Drum Roll, Please!

This special edition of my blog brought to you by Christmas!!

Drum Roll, Please!.....

This year has brought numerous changes, much sorrow, great joy and confusing emotions! Thought I'd catch you all up in one fell swoop.

So it begins....

I started this year going to see our new son in law graduate basic training. That was pretty great! I am so thankful to him for his service to our country! March brought Kaily's surprise marriage to Tim. They've been married almost 9 months, have adopted TWO dogs, bought a hedgehog and are figuring out married life along with military life. It's been hard, and she's had to do some major adjusting! Where there used to be 7 people in her consistent world, there is now only 1. While he's cute and she loves him, it can be a bit quiet for her! A bright spot was her flying here to visit in November....

....which brings us to Piper Ann! She was born to Hillary and Jeremy on her "Tee-Tee"'s birthday AKA Aunt Savannah. H and J are settling into having 2 daughters rather roughly. Just very recently they found out that H has blood clots again and will have some choices to make regarding blood thinners and all that jazz. Of course, Piper would get sick at the same time! However, they are great parents and while things are upside down and backwards, they're trying and doing wonderfully! J just started a temp to hire job at a tea company in town so prayerfully that will turn into long term! Of course, Miss Reya-Sunshine continues to be so! She turned 2 in October...she is a wonder and joy to behold! The nieces are much loved by their aunties....

....Auntie Em (our Emily) is a junior at U of I. We are so proud of her! She continues to push forward with her education...now that the boys are off her 'burners', her focus is immensely better! She is on track to graduate next year, but will continue school to become an English teacher. Her ultimate goal is to teach in Japan. We absolutely believe in her and look forward to seeing how God unfolds her adventure! Meanwhile, back in Boise....

.......Chellsei is thriving at BSU. We are a divided household with collegiate loyalty! While C doesn't enjoy every class, she does try her very best! She continues to date that one boy, (you know who you are)they've been together a smidge over a year and still enjoy each other's company. She worked for a few months at a popular burger place and is now working at a new place in town. She prefers this new job...they're closed on Sundays! She still drums in our church worship band. It's a joy to see her worshiping the Lord on Sunday mornings...sometimes, the drums go silent and her arms raise. We are so very proud of the woman she's becoming! Speaking of becoming a woman...

...Savannah is almost one! Holy cow...don't know when that child started looking like a young woman! She is so very beautiful and gracious. She has quite the sense of humor AKA sarcastic and witty. She attends an International school and is LOVING it! She's challenging herself as her new school says you must maintain a 4 or lose credit. Trust me, this isn't as easy as it sounds. She has discovered she likes drama and is trying out for a play with a local playhouse. Her new role in the house is second oldest....quite the change! Her and her little sister struggle some, but for the most part are getting along.....

.....Hello, Harley! Well, our Little Bit is 12! Not sure when that happened, but we are now looking at being empty nesters sooner rather than later! It's a crazy thing! She still attends the small charter school she's been at since 2nd grade and is enjoying it. She's looking forward to MOSS camp next year in the 7th grade. She is a very caring and sweet girl! She was slightly bullied last year (broke our hearts, her sisters took care of it), but this year has been a tremendous improvement! No more bullying! She is very willing to share God's word with anyone around, a light to the world!

This brings us to the parents. Matty and I. We've been pretty well chronicled, so I won't go more into it. I will say that how our year started is no where near how our year is ending. God is so good and has allowed us restoration, given us wisdom and solidified our commitment to each other. I will also say that it is purely God's grace. Without it, we'd be nowhere fast!

I look back at our year and I see my mistakes. I see Matty's mistakes. I see lost moments, joy stolen and tears cried. I see laughter, relief, restoration and healing. I see love...taken and given. I see growth in our daughters. I see growth in me and Matty. I see grace.

Without this year, we may have continued on building our walls without recognizing them as such. We may have continued to grow desperately apart. We may have been good parents, but we wouldn't have been good husband/wife. I am so thankful for the chance to be a good wife to a good husband!

Celebrating Christmas is a way of celebrating our accomplishments this year. Christmas may be about Jesus' birth, but to me it's about how a baby was born to die so I could live. A baby who would take it all. There is no way we would've survived this year without Him. I am so very glad He was born....so very glad He loved me enough to die.

Merry Christmas, friends. Don't ever forget to celebrate and don't forget the drum roll!

PS: Murphy is still a wonderdog, Whisper is still very lick-y. They're both crazy.

The Gift of Intentional Presence

That's me. My (early) New Year's resolution is going to be intentional presence. I want to be there for our daughters, for my family, for friends and most importantly for my husband.

I find myself at a distance. I'm standing outside circles, wishing I was in them. I'm watching happiness and not claiming any for myself. I'm dreaming of better times and not creating them. That was me....but not for a bit.

Happiness is mine. It's in the laughter of our family as we play games, watch movies and talk. It's in prayer with friends, decorating with family and sharing meals will all aforementioned. Yet...I was letting it slip by. Caught up in the drama of my heart, I forgot to be happy. I forgot to allow God's presence wash me in joy. Not anymore. I'm claiming it.

The circles I stand outside of are sometimes my making, sometimes others have created them. I can't do anything about those ones. I found myself frustrated. Frustrated by the feeling of "outside looking in". Social events have come and gone, I haven't been invited. It's hard, when you feel like you're supposed to be part of a 'family'.....yet you feel like you're really not part of anything. I felt like I was sinking, pouring my heart out often to those around me (in this forum) and no one approached to pray with me, or even to say they loved me. But maybe, just maybe, they weren't sure how to. I know I'm not the only to ever feel this way...about these things. I'm scared putting this out there, but trusting God with my heart. The circles of my creation? Well, I'm going to smudge those lines. I'm going to be bold, try not to be scary and pray God will open up some fabulous relationships! Disclaimer: I was NOT sitting at home thinking "Woe is poor, friendless me!"...I have some very good friends I've cried with and to and have certainly been loved through this. I guess I was just wanting....

I've allowed my sorrow of sorrows to color my world. It's been a hard road, this Matty and I thing. We traveled along smoothly for 10 years and out of nowhere a mountain sprang up. We couldn't go around it anymore, we'd done that for 4 years. We were getting nowhere. I would imagine in my head certain scenarios and with the intent to play them out, I would go forward into my day. Imagine my surprise when it didn't exactly work out that way. I would get angry, hurt an undertone. In my hurt I would hurt others. My dreams were shattering...why not just let them fall to pieces??! More recently, I've been more cautious with those dreams, I've allowed them to expand and take root. I don't hurt as much. Sometimes, I struggle with trusting....but he's working on it and so am I.

I'm giving those around me the gift of intentional presence. I want to be there for you, too, friend. I don't know you, maybe you don't know me. But I'm praying for you. I'm praying that in the midst of my selfish ramblings, my emotional struggles, my joyful exploits something resonates. I want you to know that God is my inspiration with this blog, He gives the words form. I pray your hearts are open to those around you, that your heart is open to Him. I pray His peace surpass understanding, His love enfolds you heartily. He is always present. I don't have to ask Him, don't have to plead. He is watching over me, bottling my tears and enjoying my joy.

I am going to be intentional. Be intentional with me, friends. Find joy, claim it. Remember that as dark as it looks, He is holding your hand.

My Annual Thankful Post

What a catching title, huh? Well, here it is. Whether you've been waiting with bated breath or are just now finding me (or neither), this is my annual Thankful blog. This list is comprised of things over this year that have caused me to be intensely thankful. God is good.

Thankful For:

-Matty. At the beginning of the year I was thankful for him, but not the way I am now. My eyes are open, my heart is open, our marriage continues to grow.

-Girls. As in the 6 of them. They are a bright spot in my life, a joy to watch grow, their adventures unfolding.

-Sweet Reya! That girl makes me giggle! She reminds me that there is hope for this world, reminds me of God's grace.

-Piper Ann. Not born yet, but what a sweet joy to anticipate.

-Restoration

-Adventures! I would rather not repeat them without my rock (Matty), but what an adventure this year was! Texas twice, Kaily married (once)and a long drive to and from New Mexico. Tears, laughter, hugs and Skype dates. It's been a ride.

-Son in law x 2. Both are young men who are learning to be good husbands. So thankful for the way they love our girls.

-Crazy. He loves our girl.

-Young adults. All those teens became young adults. What a pleasure it is to still be a part of their lives.

-My Aunt Vicki who loves me all the time.

-My parents, J and A. Family: people who love you no matter what.

-Young people at our church who gave up their lives here in America to teach others in countries that are sorely lacking in amenities and abounding with bugs. God is so for them, His plans are unfolding as I write.

-New dining room light. Love it!

-New friends!

-God has provided for our pantry.

-Murphy hasn't eaten as many socks.

-Whisper doesn't jump the fence.

-People who graciously spend their time working on our vehicle. That we have a vehicle to drive while ours is getting fixed.

-In the midst of our sorrow, God continuously provided brightness. He gave tidbits of joy and never let us sink completely, no matter how hard we tried to swim to the bottom.

-God and His infinite grace.

There is so much more, so many tiny things that have seeped into my every day. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to find joy in. I have decided to not do my non-thankful list....except for one thing: I am NOT thankful for spiders. Yuck!

Find your joy, friends. Claim it. Be thankful, because even if you're not feeling thankful.....you're breathing. His plan for you isn't done unfolding and even when it looks bleak, He is with you. He holds your hand and bottles your tears.

I'm thankful for you. I'm praying for you. Happy Thanksgiving season!

Me at My Most.....

I'm taking a break from the marriage stuff...honestly, things are really good right now. We're talking, not yelling. We're negotiating, not demanding. We're learning, not ignoring. We're loving each other well. So today,I thought I'd give you a little bit of me. I know, I always over share. ;) So here is Me at My Most......

Scared:
Every time I walk into a crowded room. I am so very afraid of rejection. I hide myself away, hoping someone will talk to me. When we started somewhere new, I thought this was my chance to put myself forward. Make a new start, new relationships. I find myself still on the fringes, afraid of what people think...afraid of what people say. I so desperately want to be loved and have real, deep relationships....instead, I find myself watching from the outside. I DO have some very amazing friendships...am so very blessed by them....that doesn't take away the scared-ness in relation to others.

Lonely:
Good golly! Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the quiet of my house, but I'd LOVE to go get coffee with someone, lunch or even just take a walk with another human being that I can chat with. My days are long....they can get lonely. Okay, so maybe it's not EVERY DAY...but it sure does feel like it!

Beautiful:
Hmmmm. Lately, I've been feeling beautiful quite often. That may be because Matty and I are doing so well, and he's loving me better. Plus, I've lost some weight. It's okay if you haven't noticed...I have! :)

Angry:
At any given moment, I could become unglued. Which is interesting, considering I'm reading that very book!! It doesn't take much...a toy left out, a wrapper not thrown away. Shoes left all over my house are a biggie. And I NEVER, EVER go upstairs. Because when I do...well, let's just say I win the worst mom of the year award. Every. Time.

Nervous:
Every Sunday. What if no one says "Hi" to me. What if everyone ignores me. What if no one even 'sees' me. Yup...this is what I think.

Worrisome:
ALWAYS! Worried about money, worried about food. Worried about the girls, about Matty, about grandchildren. Worried about the world ending (not so much anymore), worried about how Christmas is going to work this year. Worried about seeing our far away girls, worried about the dogs. Worried about the new little guest living in my garage...thank you, Matty for telling me that we DO have a mouse out there. Worried, Worried, WORRIED! I just worry. Our counselor did a worry "test"...yeah...I failed big time. Matty on the other hand...doesn't worry about a THING. Lucky duck.....

Joyful:
Sigh. When I think of the girls, when I think of the grandgirls. When I think about how Matty and I turned and RAN from the brink of disaster...together! When I pray, when I allow God to seep into my soul. When I can just be with my family...and just be.

Overwhelmed:
When I feel like no one is taking care of me and I'm taking care of everyone else.

Ambitious:
Right now. I'm going to step beyond my fear and talk to people. The way they respond is theirs...I shouldn't take it personally. Also, when I write. I love to write.

Redeemed:
All day, every day. I can look backwards and see how God has so very patiently waited for me to blow off the muck and enter into His arms. I can see where He's shielded me from the danger I tried to run headlong into. I can enjoy His grace, bask in His love and rejoice that I am His beloved. I can see how He has and is continuing to restore my life. I. Am. His.

Would love to hear about you at your most....it can be anything. From regretful to happy. Remember....you are loved and it's okay to be at your most anything. Today is a new day, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Walking Backwards

You ever want to walk backwards just so you don't forget where you've been? The desire to savor the view or take in the battered land you've left behind, shaking with gratitude that you no longer camp there.

We're walking backwards, every step careful.We're taking in the scene before us, imprinting in our minds where we don't ever want to go again. The war torn land around us is full of pits and sorrow, but we are sure footed. The past 2 weeks have been cautious, anxious and wonderful. I am very apprehensive about believing my husband...worried those thoughts will overtake his mind again. He is very tolerant and gentle in his loving me....reassuring me consistently. I find myself having faith in him again.

We argued yesterday. It was, I believe, a HEALTHY argument. There was no yelling, no bitter words. Yet....my fear overtook me. I had to ask him if he was thinking we'd be better off not together. He said absolutely not. Then we went through the "talk" again....he wasn't going to allow those thoughts, those things only came when it was REALLY bad and he never gave them credence anyways. My heart was settled.

Every day, I believe in him a little bit more. Not only that but I BELIEVE his words. I ask him often what makes these words different than when he said them before. He says it's because he remembered he needed me to breathe. That's good, because I remembered I loved him.

I've said it a lot through this trial: Marriage is HARD. It doesn't come with an instruction manual. Although, the Bible is a great resource. There are so many who seem to do it right...so what was wrong with us that we couldn't get it just so?? Nothing, really. Those who appear to have perfect marriages struggle too...they're just more private. Or maybe they haven't hit the hard time yet. Maybe they're in the middle of it and can't admit it. Honestly, I was confused when things first started to blow up. We loved each other, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. How could we have hit such a HUGE wall??

Well, we're human. And we're not impervious. In fact, when you start thinking you are....well, watch out. That is when you're the most vulnerable.

I've seen marriages crumble over small things, seen families torn apart over someone's choice. Someone decides they just don't like the situation they're in, they just want out. I don't believe that's where my husband was at. I believe he honestly wanted what, he thought, would be better for all involved. It didn't take much convincing for him to realize that was not better for anyone. I am so thankful to God for giving us restoration. So grateful for His continued healing. Not all marriages are healed. My heart breaks for those suddenly single mothers, the fathers that get to see their children only on weekends...the children who are no longer whole.

I pray with relief as we walk backwards into tomorrow. We aren't quite whole...but we will be. God is doing a great work in our marriage and I am so excited to share it with you all. I ache to think you may be hurting, in the midst of a war yourself. Please know that I am praying for you.

Walking backwards takes faith. Let your steps be sure, your heart be comforted. He knows the way, His hand holds yours....and mine.

The Precipice

prec·i·pice
noun \ˈpre-s(ə-)pəs\

: a very steep side of a mountain or cliff

: a point where danger, trouble, or difficulty begins

See that second definition?? That's where we're stopping today. I have a story to tell and it isn't pretty.

Remember back a couple (almost a few now) years ago when Matt lost his job? That was the beginning of sorrow for my marriage. You see, he lied about something small. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He thought it would do more good to lie than tell the truth. Sadly, I knew it was a lie. Thus began the "Not Trusting" phase.

Did you know you have to completely be able to trust your spouse? I mean, this is the person you've given your whole heart to...given your secrets to, your mind and body to. So, trust is HUGE. Slowly his small lie invaded every aspect of our marriage. As I quietly built my wall, he quietly slipped away emotionally. Somehow, we made it through that. Then came the next things.

My wall began being built stronger, higher. We still chatted, acted cordial. We put on a happy face when we were out....I don't think it actually hid the strain. We pretended it did. We slowly walked toward the precipice, not knowing the edge was so close.

My heart was confused, full of sorrow and discontent. I'm not even sure where he was. When the "Something" came out....I thought I would die. Little did I know that an even bigger something was waiting for me on the other side of starting counseling.

Counseling. It's been very important in our lives, but around the 3-4th time....we stopped growing. We got stuck. We started fighting so terribly. We weren't nice to each other, weren't honoring at all. We would come out of our session with renewed vigor towards "working on it", by the weekend we couldn't stand each other. Turns out there was something he was hiding.

He. Wasn't. Sure. We. Should. Be. Together.

Just typing those words, my heart stops.

We had a very emotional Friday, the day BEFORE my birthday. It was raw and full of sorrow and tears and RESTORATION. Did you read that?? RESTORATION. He was very adamant that is wasn't ME he didn't want...it was the situation. It was the way we reacted to the girls, the way we were so angry with each other, the way our words and actions hurt those around us. My head understood that, my heart not so much. All I heard was that he didn't want ME. The thing is, by the time we got to our counseling session on Friday, he had already decided that the war within his head wasn't valid. He knew at that point, and actually for a couple weeks before, that he wanted our marriage to work. However, sitting on such a thought had tainted everything else. He felt like he was lying and that we couldn't move forward until he was TOTALLY HONEST. Guess what! He was RIGHT!

When he told me that, I nearly died. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. He, on the other hand, COULD breathe. He was afraid that when he told me, I'd leave. I wanted to. Instead, I stayed. We cried, we talked, we mourned. In the counselor's office, he committed to me. He committed to us. He committed to our marriage, no matter what. No MATTER WHAT. He committed to truth in all things, no matter how the truth may sting....no matter how it hurts. Oh how my heart sings for that honesty! He committed to loving me more than himself. In turn, I committed to him. To not talking circles, to being patient. I committed to loving him more than myself. We've both committed to loving God the most. We were committed before, however...the fighting situation allowed for sorrow and complacency to take root. Those things no longer have a place in our marriage!

We walked back from from the precipice...holding each other, committed to not letting go. We fully recognize God in this situation. Every night, we did devotions and every devotion hit exactly what was happening. He has worked every instance for our marriage, He is for us. We're listening....and we're working. We're also loving each other.

We are here before you, asking for you to hold us accountable. Ask us how we're treating the other, ask us how we are. Ask us if we're holding up our end with God. We want to be vulnerable with you...we know we can't do this alone. (God is a given) Please pray along side us for continued healing and continued joy.

Marriage is hard. It's work. It's every day choosing to love someone. It's not allowing your heart to be hardened, your spirit to move away from your spouse. It's messy, scary and wonderful. Marriage is more than the "I Will", more than the honeymoon. It's the sickness, health, better worse thing. It's the even when you don't feel like it thing. We are sharing our story because it's real...it's raw and it's up and down. If you're feeling this way, or have had any similar experience......you are not alone. You are loved, your spouse is loved. Talk to someone, talk about it. God already knows, He is for you.

All glory to God.

The Good, Bad and Ugly

We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.

We had a couple of VERY ugly days last week. They were so terrible that I couldn't even be in the same room with Matty. He couldn't do or say anything right and I couldn't respond right or even be cordial. It was very, very bad. We went to counseling and started talking about our girls. All of a sudden, we were fine. I could feel my face glowing, my tone softening and my heart was open. Matty's face lit up, his words were eloquent. He even cried when talking about that one girl he used to watch football with.....he misses her so. When we got home, we were a unit again. Two halves of a whole. That was very, very good.

Until the enemy reminded me of the Something. Then I am a mess. I worry, I ponder and I wonder. Not a good thing...I allow what was beautiful to be painted ugly again. Yet...I prayed and I was okay. The Something became a something in the past.

It's not too far in the past, but every day it gets further. And every time we go to counseling, we learn something new. I realized something myself on this last visit. When we enter the room, I choose a corner of the couch to curl into and Matty sits right next to me. He always grabs my hand. We may not walk in as a unit, but we are one while we're there. It's almost like we're making sure that, even though we are upside down and backwards, we're a whole.

We started acting like we were only halves. That was part of the issue. The counselor said we need to be married like we parent....on the same page and with consistency. Makes sense. Now if only we could really do that......we're working on it.

The thing about the something: it's very damaging. We treat our marriages like they're made of iron. I'm sure some are. It's when we forget that they're not that we open ourselves up to "foxes". We allow things to creep into our hearts, our minds and our spirits. We forget to shelter our hearts and our partners. We forget to continue courting them. Did you think that just because that ring is on your finger you didn't have to try anymore??? NOPE! That's a BAD way to think.....you always need to be finding ways to love your spouse better, to stay interested in them. Notice I didn't say to keep them interested in you?? That's because if you're interested in them they'll feel loved, respected and important. They, in turn, will be interested in YOU. That is a GOOD thing!

Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get pulled into a pit. Sometimes we jump into it. I am here to tell you THERE IS A WAY OUT OF THAT PIT! If you choose to wallow....well, that's your thing. You're missing the good stuff. The pit doesn't always look like one, but it is ALWAYS quicksand.

We've chosen to love each other. And by default, we've chosen to get out of the pit the Something put us in. I'm trying. I really am. Somedays, it's really hard.

I know that He has not forsaken me. I know that He has a plan and that by this time next year we will be a restoration story so amazing it will have to be told. I believe He will have us share the Something, we're just not there yet. Until then....please know that life and marriage is full of good, bad and ugly things. It's full of amazing, scary and wonderful things. It's full of Somethings and somethings. Sometimes, it's full of nothing.

God has continuously told me not to pretend. So, here I am...not pretending. He loves you, dear one. Where ever you are, whatever you're doing. If you're in a pit or not....He is for you. Reach out for Him, He's waiting to hold your hand. And that is very, very GOOD!

Hero Worship

I'm breaking from my current blog theme. Today, I'm talking about Hero Worship.

There has been a story in the news about an NFL footballer who was kicked off his team for abusing his wife. Like most abuse cases, rumours swirl of what she did or if it was so bad why didn't she leave. People whisper behind their hands about how she must've deserved it, his career is ruined because of her. Until video surfaced, it was her fault, she contributed to his abusing her.. Even now, some people may believe that.

We worship people. We want them to be who we see on t.v., in the movies and the songs we hear. We have favorite sports players, favorite actors, favorite singers. We enjoy favorite authors, favorite presidents. We put these people on pedestals and think they are so special. When they do something wrong we often forgive them, overlooking the act. Because, hey, they're STARS!

Before I loved a man that abused me, I was one of those "Why doesn't she leave?" people. I believed I would never stay in a situation like that.

Well. I stayed for two years. I almost died, had more bruises than could be explained. Some people that knew never said a word, looking the other way. They pretended what I said was true, I pretended it was true. I was insecure, alone and full of sadness. I walked carefully and never fought back. No matter how carefully I walked, he found a reason to hit me. Yet, I stayed.

One day, Hillary cowering behind a chair as he hit me, I decided enough was enough. I almost went back. But God always blocked that door. I am so very grateful. I'm grateful for the experience which allows me to recognize abused women. I'm thankful for His protective hand. I'm thankful we were divorced when he killed his girlfriends baby. I'm thankful he's never sought me out. I'm just thankful.

We are so quick to assume, so quick to jump to the must've happened. Women often have to prove themselves innocent when the victim....what is wrong with this world? We cast blame, assume the worst and wonder. She can't leave....she believes she's loved. And he apologizes....she believes him. I am NOT saying everyone is of one mind with this...I am saying this is common public perception.

There is a story of a woman who was going to be stoned by an angry mob. One man stepped forward in her defense. She was able to leave and she was a new woman after that.

That man is my hero. He is the Alpha, the Omega. He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. He is the one who bottles my tears and holds my hand. He hurt for me, through my time of sorrow. Then again when I put myself into a pit. He loves me, though. That I always knew. It is my hope everyone know Him as such. In the meantime, we should stop blaming, stop assuming and start listening. We should stop asking innocents to prove they are such. There is nothing that should ever CAUSE a spouse to hurt their loved one. No amount of anything.

Who are you worshiping today? Who is your "hero"?

Outside God, my hero is my husband. Even with the "Something".

Empty

My house, currently, is empty aside from me, Murphy the wonderdog and his faithful sidekick (the ever LICK-Y) Whisper. It was a long summer. Amazing how, even with all the changes, I can rejoice in the silence and emptiness that overcomes my house for 8 hours M-Th.

Amazing because if you had asked me in March if I wanted an empty house, I would've said no and burst into tears. That's pretty much all I did in March. Cry. Watching that tall girl get married, having to give her away all by myself was HARD. Feeling the distance between Matty and I and not having a CLUE as to what was causing it or how to change it was perplexing and difficult. Throw in some family resentment, some cranky kids and lost relationships and you've got my spring wrapped up nice and tight.

Oh, yeah. Also, I was EMPTY. I felt so broken and I presented that way.

Our summer went by in a blur, a flurry of activities. A whirlwind of good-byes, feeling like there wasn't enough time in a day. In a house full of girls, the tears flowed often.

Then came the Something that sent Matty and I into counseling. Which is going so/so, for your info. It's always a learning experience....not always pleasant. But at least we're learning. And I'm not feeling so empty.

I remembered that He is all I need. Remembered that even if the Something caused great sorrow, He is bigger than that. He is bigger than the empty me and He can fill me right up with His presence, His peace and His love. It's not perfect, this thing called my life, but at least I'm still breathing!

It's been hard, having girls grow up and begin their own lives. Some people will say "It's normal" or "It's time" or other things like that. When, in reality, they struggled too. You carry these people under your heart, take care of them for numerous years and they just expect to grow up and move away? Well....yes. And that's alright. It just takes some getting used to. That contributed to my emptiness.

It's hard, not knowing how to fix things. That sucks all the "me" out of me. Leaves me empty and desolate. This Something with Matty....that left me the brokenest. But he loves me. So it's getting better. And I love him. And that makes it even more better.

God is "fixing" me. He is mending my broken spirit, filling up my empty soul. That is why I can enjoy the empty of my house.

So in closing, aside from our ever entertaining canines, God is here. My house is never really empty. Just like i was never really empty. I only allowed myself to believe I was.

What are you believing? Let's be real with each other, friends. We (hopefully) all belong to the same family. And if you don't know Jesus....ask me how. He loves you, friend. You are beloved.

Learning to Love

Every day, we learn. We learn traffic patterns for 7:20 a.m. school runs, learn how long it takes for 2 girls to get ready. We learn what NOT to watch on Netflix, learn about beautiful beginnings and sorrowful endings. We learn how to be better, how to focus on ourselves less. We learn how to walk, talk, kiss, hug and love.

I am learning how to love my husband again. He's learning how to love me again. That's a bit misleading. It's not that we ever stopped, it's just that we forgot to be intentional about showing it. Every week we come away from counseling with an "assignment". This weeks is to list 10 ways he can act to induce affection in me and vice versa. I never realized how I needed him to respond to me in order for me to be more intentional. I know that the goal is to eventually not have to think and put effort into being intentional, it's to just BE INTENTIONAL.

It's interesting to me to realize how I relate. Interesting to hear some of the things that come out when we're being raw with each other. It's nice to be able to talk with him and not feel as though I have to put up a bulwark. (fancy word, huh?) Guess what? These things we're learning and being refreshed on in counseling are things we can use in ALL our relationships with others. Well, except a few.

I am learning to love him better, in a way that he really will respond to. He's learning to love me better, in a way I'll respond to. I've realized that love doesn't just continue on because we WANT it to. It's a consistent learning thing. Every day, I change. Every day, he changes. Every day, I need to learn how to love him. And I choose to love him....every day. I'm pretty sure he chooses to love me every day. And every day, we learn.

I am so thankful that God doesn't have to learn to love me, so glad His love isn't as fickle or as emotional. I'm so glad He just loves me. No strings, no learning how to love, no wondering if He'll love me tomorrow. He just does.

I love my husband. My husband loves me. That wasn't and isn't the issue. But somewhere down the road, we forgot to show it. We allowed ourselves to slip into a pattern of forgetting. We're learning how to get out of it, learning how to show love and mean it.

Friends, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Don't feel bad if you struggle....talk about it before it becomes a big thing. Before the wall is so big you don't know how to get over it or go around it.

We still haven't come to the point where we can share what got us into counseling. I can reiterate what it wasn't....but I'm sure I don't have to.


My heart grieves for those without husband and father. I've had to balance my frustration with the knowledge that I have the privilege of my husband.

Learn to love better, friends. That is one area you can never know too much about.

Thank you for praying....God is good all the time.

In An Instant

We are in our 3rd week of counseling. Yesterday was a bad one, I came away angry and crying. Went to bed that way too. This morning, my Facebook feed had a simple line above a picture.

"These are my parents.
Late last night, I lost my Dad.
Please pray for my family."

Talk about perspective. I just wanted to hug Matty. He was at work. This doesn't mean that the reason we're in counseling goes away, doesn't mean we're all done. It doesn't even mean that next week, I won't be upset again. It just means that today I am reminded that there are children who go to bed without hugging their dad....a wife that is a widow.

It was very quick, an instant. I am reminded that is all it is sometimes. It's not always about death. There are "instants" in life that we ignore, let pass us by without a single "Howdy-Do". We forget that those are important. We get stuck in complacency.

Complacency is part of what got Matty and I to counseling to begin with. It's just a sneaky thing, lulling us into the "Every Day". We forget to pay attention to the instants...then they're gone.

I don't want them to be gone. I want to remember to cherish every instant.

I know that the Lord is sovereign. I know He called this man home, that this man is worshiping at His feet. There is sorrow here, there is also peace. His peace surpasses all understanding.

Tell the people you love that you do. Don't let instants pass you by. Enjoy them, embrace them and let them wash over you with joy.

God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

Next Go Round

Here we are. We've had our second session. We've survived it.

It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.

We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.

Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.

I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.

Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.

I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.

Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.

The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.

ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!

Things We Don't Talk About

There are things, in this world, that we don't talk about. You'd like to believe that as Christians, believers in the one true God, we'd be honest with each other about our sins, sorrows and all the struggles we go through. Because then, we'd know we're not alone. But there are things we don't talk about....so we think we're alone. I've used this blog as a forum. A way to be completely honest with you. And here I am again.

I won't go into too much detail. We're not there yet. BUT...Matty and I started marriage counseling on Friday. GASP! I know! COUNSELING! Um, what EXACTLY is the big deal?

We are admitting that as a married couple (almost 14 years) WE ARE STRUGGLING. The struggle we're going through now is pretty big. Our sorrow is bigger....but we're staying married. And we're talking to someone about it. We are able to talk without judgement, talk without worrying how the other will respond. We are able to cry, laugh and be angry. This person, this counselor, listens and is FOR our marriage. Bigger than that, WE are for our marriage. Even bigger (and better), God is for our marriage.

A few blogs ago, I wrote about how I "left" Matty and he "left" me. I thought we were working through it. Turns out it was a bandaid. An easy fix....an "OH LOOK! Everything's better!". Nope. Not even close. The details are too new to share, but I believe that someday God will press us to do just that. Why? So that you KNOW you're not the only believer to struggle. I'm sure this has you speculating. You can speculate all you want.....it doesn't get you anywhere.

It's easy to look at another couple and think that you're nothing like them. Beware, your marriage is at risk. Protect your hearts, guard your spouse's. Don't get caught up in the idea that you're safe just because you're saved. Those are two very different things, my friends.

I love my husband. My husband loves me. Sometimes, we need to be reminded. Sometimes, we need a bit of help discovering how to get back "on track" and out of the complacency our lives have slipped into. It's so easy to get into a rut, same thing every day. Same conversation, new day. Same sorrows....same confusion....same struggles. Not knowing how to get back in control, the spiral getting tighter. There is always a catalyst....be aware.

You are not alone. I know that those of you that are married have not had the perfect marriage, no matter the front we see. I know that everyone one of us is a sinner....therefore there is no perfection. We need to start talking. We need to start being honest. We need to show each other the healed wounds, the victory that we have overcome the bad. We need......

Please pray for us. It's not easy, yet already some things have gotten.....non complacent. Our goal is to love each other better, remember each other more and to stay married. He is my beloved, I am his.

More importantly, we are both His.

"Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than youre thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking"

Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. I do not own the rights to these lyrics, am so thankful they exist.

The Learns I've Learned

I have returned. Sans a tall girl. My heart is sad yet overjoyed to see my other girls. And so very glad that life has slowed down. I wonder if it'll stay that way......

I cried. A lot. I'm still prone to bouts of tears. Not as much.

I learned some things on this journey.....

Here's ten of them:

1) I'm stronger than I think. I can drive numerous miles, drop my flesh and blood off and leave her. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears. However, I am home and she is at her new home.

2) Bravery is something I'm capable of. I drove a LONG way, folks. It was quite an adventure...I had great adventure buddies. (buddY on the way home) C played a hippie's djembe at a truck stop. QUITE the adventurer, that one!

3) Just because Colorado has "Bear Crossing" signs (with pictures of the bears on them) doesn't mean you'll actually see a bear. Bummer.

4) Buffalo Bill is buried in Colorado.

5)Cockroaches are creepy. They scurry in the dark....when you least expect them. Eeesh!

6)Birds like my car. Really. We had at least 4 dive bomb it...2 were successful. Pretty sure they died.

7) Bugs. Windshield. Ewwwww!

8) The tall girl can cook! And it's yummy!

9) God loves me. We saw so many wonderous things....I am in awe of His love.Plus we saw hippies dancing at the rock arch. They had an "alien" van.

10)You'd like to think everything will be easier tomorrow....it isn't.

We were assaulted when we walked in. Her stuff was everywhere. You'd think it had all been packed and was being unpacked at her new home. Nope. That would be too easy. And so I learned that small things can bring tears in grown women. (not me, for the record) Sweatshirts, posters, perfume bottles...all hold tear inciting power when your best friend has left them behind.

It will take time. She'll settle, we'll settle. It's not like we're never going to see her again. It's just that this feels so permanent. And even though I had company...I had to do this on my own. Again. I've had some very emotional things that I've done with out my emotional cheerleader next to me. (Matty, in case you're curious) I'm worn.

I wouldn't take a moment back. I've had some very sweet moments with these very sweet girls. And with our son in law. He definitely isn't used to our brand of crazy and drama sends him to a happy place somewhere in his mind, but I love him. He'll get used to it. These moments are treasures. The wedding, reception, New Mexico journey....those are full of moments to be treasured and cherished. I learned I need to cherish.

We're good. Life will continue forward. I don't want to miss any moments....so I am grabbing what comes and enjoying it.


One more things I learned:
New Mexico is better than dead.....


"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Christopher Robin, Pooh's Grand Adventure

My Oh My!

We left home a week ago to drive K to her new home. Our rig was loaded heavy with furniture,boxes and odds and ends. Her mattress was bagged up and tied down to the top of the car. We were definitely a sight to see, but really who cared?? We were on a mission.

Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!

The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.

We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.

Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.

Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??

My,Oh My.

I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.

Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.

She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?

Nothing. My story is different.

I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.

Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.

My...Oh...My.....

What Time is it, Mr. Fox?

It's Father's Day. The tall girl came to me this morning, tears in her eyes, and said something about this being the last Father's Day at home....with her daddy. In all my worrisome ways, I've forgotten that there is someone else who is struggling. Not her....him.

She was 3 when he became her daddy. I told him when we met I had 4 daughters, he could have 2 (children). He never looked back for the escape door. Instead, he rooted himself into them. I guess I forgot because I carried her under my heart and it doesn't get much more emotional than that. But he CHOSE them.

She said once that she realized that her biological was just that. And she recognized that her daddy didn't love her because he HAD to, he chose to. He has been their daddy for so long that it doesn't seem real to me that their blood isn't the same. Funny, though, all girls got my blood type....so I guess their blood IS the same after all.

I am blessed. God took my very complicated, muddy and messy situation (that I slithered into) and showed me His grace. Matty didn't have to love these daughters, didn't have to root them so deeply in his heart. But, he did. We've heard a lot of "You're such a good man to take in all those girls." and "You're so wonderful to provide for children that aren't yours.". He looks at them like they're crazy people. Um, hello...they ARE his. There is no different treatment, no setting apart. He loves each one as though he was there from their births. (Except for walking S...ask him about that, it's funny)

I remember him and the tall girl playing "Mr.Fox" while we waited for her bus. In her sweet little voice, she'd ask what time it was....he'd answer and she'd hop towards him...blonde hair floating around her elfin face. I treasure those moments in my mommy heart. It won't be too long before she'll have a sweet aqua eyed child to play "Mr.Fox" with and she'll remember those moments too.

He's held me as I've broken down, been my strength. I've forgotten that he's not as strong with this. I've taken and not given. He needs to 'mourn' too. I need to let him.

I believe that every child is created by the one true God. I believe that before time began, He knew these daughters. Knew me, knew Matty. I believe He knew the choices I would make, knew the sorrow I would cause. And yet...He gave me grace. Undeserved favor. He knit us together, by heart, even after I decided to live in the pit. He intertwined our lives, allowed us joy and blessed me with someone who would love these daughters unconditionally.

There is nothing He doesn't see. Nothing that gets by Him. Even when I am oblivious. Friday is coming, time is short. Her life will start and ours will continue. We will all re-group and figure out the new normal. I have faith that even when she is away from her daddy's protection, she is in her Father's hands.

I need to remind her daddy that.

Remember, friends, there is one who loves you the most. His grace is sufficient, His word is truth. He is the Father that never sleeps, the Father that always protects. He weeps for us, laughs and delights in us.

Happy Father's Day.

The Ebb and Flow

Well...let me tell you! When that tide comes in it washes over me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it hurts just as much as I think that would.

Recently, I've had to let someone go. I've had to let God take over and just trust that at some point, He'll bring joy regardless of the sorrow. My heart aches so much. The crux is that I have no idea what's happened. And there are no answers forthcoming. That's the ebb and flow.

This specific relationship has been loving, strong and most certainly adventurous. It's been honest and, up until now, open. I love this person...not sure how to love them right now, though. Sigh. I'm not sure how to proceed but, lucky for me, I don't really have to. The proceeding is all His.

I've come to realize that sometimes, God puts people in our lives for small amounts of time. What we think is solid and built on a great foundation is, in reality, just being held in His hand. Doesn't mean His hand isn't solid. It doesn't mean He's dropped me. It just means that His plan is very different from what I thought was set in stone. Huh, that is quite the revelation.....one I need a constant reminder of.

There is someone that has a little more recently entered our lives. God has shown me consistently that I am to love them. Unconditionally. So I do. This person is not one that I would've ever expected to be so prominent in our lives....not one that I would've expected to take so much of my heart. (while I do love my new son in law, this is not him)

I believe that somewhere down the line, the loss of one relationship and the beginning of another have a lot to do with each other....directly connected. The ebb and flow of life continue, and I get swept away. Lost in the current, but never drowning. He makes sure of that.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He has seen from the beginning the impact that these separate (but interwoven relationships) would have on me, our family and our hearts. I am not the only one mourning the loss of relationship.....their hearts ache as well. Yet, here we go with the tide. We trust that His plan is perfect. Not built with perfect people in mind, but with us (me) at the center. We are sinners, saved by grace. He is always for us.

If you're reading, please know you're loved. I pray for you daily, wish much joy and adventure for you. I hope the ebb and flow of your life tosses you around enough to remind you that you need Him all the time.

Enjoy the waves, friends.

Oh My Heart.....

Be still, my heart.

It's almost time. Almost time to take the tall girl to her husband. This month has gone by faster than expected, faster than hoped. I still have not found a way to slow down time...or even stop it altogether. Emotions have started to pick up. She's started to realize that in another month she won't be here, in the crazy chaos that is our life.

We've cried together, I'm sure we'll cry some more. There will be 4 girls here for the summer, come fall only 3 will remain.

Oh. My. Heart.

You would think it'd be easier. I've seen other people do it, seen them move on like it's just an ordinary day. I don't know how they do that. It wasn't an ordinary day when she was born, it won't be an ordinary day when we leave her in her husband's loving arms. The days that follow won't be ordinary. We'll find a new routine, find a new way of doing things.....yet, my heart will miss her. It misses the other girl when she goes back to college. It's not specific to certain children....my heart longs for them always.

I've come to realize within the last few months that we have a very (apparently) unusual dynamic in our household. We're CLOSE. We love each other well. We know we're blessed with this, to us it IS the normal. Absolutely ordinary. We may have a lot of chaos and a lot of crazy, but it's our chaotic crazy.

And, oh my heart, it's changing. I've begun to wonder what I'm going to do without her laugh, without her sense of humor and (dare I say) without her sassy self. I realized that her last birthday was our last birthday with her...for now. Last Christmas was the last of her childhood.

I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. I KNOW this is normal. But...oh my heart. I know that God has her and him. I know that our relationship isn't ending, it's just beginning and now includes her husband. I love him, too. That doesn't mean it's easy. I have to leave her. And I'm not sure how.

I'm sure God will give me strength. I'm sure when she calls me, I'll put on a happy voice. I'm sure that even when she's crying, I won't be. Not where she can hear. I'm the mom. Strength is supposed to be my thing. Only God given will get me through. His plan is unfolding. No matter how hard, I know it's His.

I was talking to Matty about why this feels so different than when Hillary left. He told me that it's because after Hillary got married, she came here. Because when it's all said and done, she's here...just down the road. It's different than when Emily went to college because she comes home for weekends and school breaks. I know she'll be here. I can withstand the distance knowing that. But guess what...that tall girl won't be coming home for weekends, won't be moving here anytime soon. That's what makes this harder for me, what feels so different.

We are her foundation. We have nurtured, loved, disciplined and grown her. He is her building. He has her future in his heart, he will love and nurture and grow with her. God is her builder. He knit her together, knew her named and chose her since before time. God knows my heart, knows how it sorrows and rejoices all at once.

I don't know what their future looks like. In my mind, they come back here eventually. Just down the road from us, with cute aqua eyed grandchildren. But for now, oh my heart, I will pray. I will be thankful that her husband is a God fearing man who knows she was handpicked by Him to be his wife. I will be grateful that we have phones and computers. I will enjoy the visits. I will wait upon the Lord.

There is one other who is really struggling with this. Her heart is breaking a little at a time. When you're close like they are, you feel it a bit differently. Please pray for her. I hurt when they hurt.

Thank you for letting me unload, I've been doing a lot of that lately.

For all of you just beginning to have children and can't envision this time in your own life: Enjoy the little things. It goes by faster than you want. Have fun...children are an adventure, enjoy the ride!

For all of you who are on the other side: If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Or if you just want to hug me and tell me it's all normal, that's ok too. I think I'll need some of each.

The Shift

Another shift has taken place in our house. Amazingly, it's not what you think it is. Yes, K is married. Yes, she will be moving with her husband in a little over a month. Yes, I am sad about that. However, that isn't the shift. The shift is that I love her husband. I didn't expect to. Didn't expect to have my heart take him in so quickly.

It hurt to see him leave this morning, going so far away to his new home. I wasn't expecting to cry...but I did. It's a good shift.

And even though I still get jealous of the minutes with our girl, I am so very glad that God opened my heart so much to the Kid. I know that he will take care of her...and she'll take care of him.

Sometimes the shifting hurts. When I start thinking about her moving away, I start to wonder about filling the K sized hole in our family. I know I'll look for her, call for her and get mad when she doesn't answer. There's always a mourning period when on of the girls begins her life.....no matter how happy I am for her. I think, sometimes, it's just not fair.

God doesn't call us to attach so much that we forget to let Him work. He calls us to trust Him. To believe His word and trust in His promises. He opens our hearts and our eyes. I believe we fall so in love with the blessings He gives us that we forget they are really His. And when we have these beloved ones, no one tells us that time speeds up and that eventually, they will find their own lives. We see them as tiny and helpless. Then, one day, they're not.

The K sized hole in our household will fill. It's not that we won't realize she's gone, it's that a routine will begin....things will head towards normal. She'll have the adventure of figuring out how to fold her towels, how her husband likes his breakfast and where the furniture fits best. She'll have a multi-person "hole" in her life, but her heart will be full. She'll realize the chaos of her childhood has disappeared....she'll mourn too. Her husband will love her well...give comfort when she's sad, laughter when she's crying. I've realized that the shift isn't one sided. I always kind of figured that they were 'Woo-Hooing' on the inside, glad to escape the crazy of our household. Guess what! That's not true.

Our lives will look different. The shift doesn't cause an end. It causes a new beginning, an adventure yet to unfold.

I can look forward to late night phone calls, exciting visits to new places and lots of pictures. I can look forward to them visiting us and watching as their marriage grows stronger. I can look forward to seeing how God will move in their lives and hearts. This shift is good.


P.S.

I can look forward to aqua eyed grandchildren...maybe TRIPLETS! Wouldn't that be fun?? ;)

Dear World

Dear World,

Since the end of March, we have been questioned. We have been chastised and belittled. You have wondered if something immoral is going on behind the scenes, wondered if perhaps I went behind my husbands back and did something he would not approve of. You, world, have forgotten who you are supposed to be. Let me remind you who I am.

I am a child of the one true King.
He alone sits in judgement of me, my actions, my comings and goings. He is the one who heard my cries, my pleas fell upon His ears. He alone knew the indecision in my heart. He saw my husband pray, heard his heart and gave His answers. He watched as Matty reassured me over and over again that the decision was the best for our girl. He allowed me to test Him. To consistently test Him. His answer was always the same, and I felt He gave it with a gentle pat on my head. Reminding me He's got this. Yet, world, here you are....in disagreement and anger.

I am a mother.
He charged me to love and raise His daughters. What a blessing they have been, what a joy to nurture and grow. What a gift to not have to do it alone. He blessed me with a husband that has truly fathered the daughters that were not his by birth. They are truly as precious to him as if they were his actual blood. Perhaps more precious because they have chosen to call him "Daddy", chosen to be wholeheartedly his. And he has chosen to be theirs. What a joy to see this wonderfully sweet relationship on a daily basis.

I am a wife.
Rest assured, world. I make no BIG decisions on my own. There are the every day decisions that my husband leaves to me. ie:dinner and such. But these things, these life changing moments...I can't do on my own. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to things like this. I will second guess myself until the very end. His solid presence and his certainty are the only things that get me through. I absolutely follow him, world. I couldn't survive without him. If his answer is no, then that is mine as well. So, world, you should stop assuming things.

World, you have forgotten that God has called you to love. He hasn't called you to agree, but He has called you to love. Are you aware of the sorrow that you have caused these young ones who are just starting their lives together? And before you start saying "They did it to themselves.", think about how you've treated them. Think about the opposition you've raised. Think about what you've thought and the things you've said and the way you've behaved. There are those, world, who DO love on them. However, there are those that seek to destroy what God has put together. Just because it doesn't look like what YOU think it should look like, world, doesn't mean it isn't what God intended.

We owe no explanation. We owe no one the story. If you ask, we'll share. Please understand, world. There has been no immorality, no shameful deeds. There has been no sin. Please stop treating it as such. You don't have to agree. I don't always agree with you, but I will love you anyway. The only sorrow is what you are causing, world. We stand by our decisions. We hope you will love us anyway.

Thank you for your time, world.

Love,

e

Plot Twist!

I used that term a lot in my Facebook status recently. That's because my life was twisting all over the place. Long story short: There was a wedding planned for August that happened on this past Tuesday. What a twist that was!

I am so happy for our daughter and our new son in law. It's slowly sinking in that yes, they really did get married. Yes, he is really her husband and yes....she'll be moving away in June. It seems surreal to me, like I'm living in some dream state. Yesterday, as her and her older sister lovingly (and sarcastically) teased each other, my heart was sad. I realized that those moments will now be fewer....our puzzle is shifting once again.

Remember my blog "Who Says"? It was about the bride and groom. They are young, inexperienced and totally "it" for each other. You will certainly ask why they got married so quickly and so young. You might even assume some things. There was no 'need' for a wedding, nothing that's hidden. They got married for the same reason anyone does. As for the timing, it doesn't matter what we say....if you think it's a bad idea, you'll find a reason for our reasons to be invalid. And that's ok.

Because here's the thing: They're married. We (her dad and I) spent a lot of time agonizing over this, praying over them and the decisions that needed to be made. They prayed. And before you scoff, please remember that age has nothing to do with prayer or whether or not God speaks. When I asked our son in law why, his answers were simple: He loved her and God told him she would be his wife. That was enough.

We weren't looking for a husband for this daughter. She had plans to be a doctor, her life was full already. A marriage has thrown that all off kilter, but that was when I knew she really loved him. When she said she would put college on hold for a year. Prior to him, there was no changing her heart. She still wants to be a doctor...she wants to be his wife more right now. They're good kids. They get to grow up together, lean on each other, fight and make up...they get to figure it out.

What this whole twisted plot comes down to is God. He is the author. I always think I have things figured out. I have prayed, tested Him, begged Him to stop everything that's outside His will. I have asked for His light upon every step and at times thought maybe He was stopping it. He didn't. And now, they're married. And that is sacred. I trust that the Lord will protect, provide and guide them. It won't be easy, but age aside, marriage NEVER IS!

So I ask you, please pray for them. Pray for strength, wisdom, joy and fellowship for them. And pray for me...my heart is sad over her moving away.

Truth: God is good. Just because I didn't see all the plot twists happening, I can take heart in knowing He did. He does. There is nothing that happens without His knowledge, not even without His consent. He loves them the most.

Identitiy

Not a super long word, or majorly impactful. But oh so full of meaning. A person's identity is something to cherish, celebrate and build up. Something to grow, learn about and nurture.

Today, mine took a hit. Literally, someone told me to "go seek God, read the bible and your (my) wrongdoings would be revealed." Instantly, I was taken back over 14 years. I was suddenly in that pit that God has so graciously lifted me out of. I felt like I was climbing the walls, stuck in mud. I cried all day. I wracked my brain, I prayed incessantly, cried some more and tried desperately to figure it out. About mid evening, as I laid on my bed (emotionally drained), God spoke.

He told me it wasn't me. Whatever was happening, wasn't because of me. I was freed. I know, at this point, that I'm good. I am not that mud bound, stuck woman. I am saved by grace. His grace, His undeserved favor. I was reminded, like I so often remind you all, that He is bigger than this. He sees, He knows and He's in control.

I recognize that while involved in a situation, I am not the cause of the sorrow. That is something different. Am I saying I have no fault, no responsibility? Nope. I've owned up to it. This new thing, however, is not mine to take....no matter how much someone wants to give it to me. There is something amazing about the Lord freeing me.

There is still sorrow, there is still confusion. I'm still not sure what caused my identity to come into question. I asked for answers...I got none. (at least not from the humans) I prayed for answers and clarity. I got it. It wasn't me. So I will take joy in that. I will pray for the situation at hand, and I will search Him out in all things. There may never be complete healing. I just need to know that I. AM. HIS.

I hope this isn't the end of this particular story. My love is deep and it doesn't end because someone else decides it should. Amazingly, His is much stronger. I am amazed and loved.

My identity is not wrapped up into today's sorrow, and yesterday's sins. My identity is defined by Him. In the very beginning, He created me. Knit me together. Who are they to decide I am less than...to decide how I should identify myself?? They are no one. He is everything.

If He is for me, then who could stand against?

The Way it Works

A year ago, I thought I knew the direction our lives were going. When I say 'our', I mean the entire family's. Yeah. Well....tip me over and call me a teapot. I actually had NO CLUE. I know, right??

A year ago, we were preparing for an overseas fellow to pop in for a visit. We were getting over the tidal wave from the year before. We were gearing up for C to graduate high school and go away to college. From that vantage point, I thought I had it all figured out. We had new kids popping in and out of our lives, relationships ending and beginning. I thought the way it works was....I figure it out and it would go that way. HAH!

Over the past year, I've learned that I actually KNOW NOTHING. That I can plan, presume and assume, but in reality...I know NOTHING! (thought that deserved to be said twice)If someone had told me a year ago that the plot was changing so suddenly and with such fervor, I would've laughed. I would've p'shawed my heart out and giggled like a mad woman. Heavens, if someone had sat me down and told me EXACTLY what was going to happen, well I would've just up and ran away.

There was no way to prepare for the way my life twisted. No way to figure out how it really was going to work. Just when I got into a groove, God shook me up and out of it. That's okay. I needed it. Matty and I needed to be shaken to the core of our marriage so that we would get out of the complacency groove. C needed to realize that sometimes her plans aren't God's. And that thing with the overseas boy? Well, it needed to be broken. He needed to grow and so did she. They just couldn't grow together.

If someone had told me that the way it works is NOT the way I expect, I'm not sure how I would've responded. I never expected a certain boy to come along and shake our girl so much that her whole life changed. I never expected him to love her in such a way. I mean, he was new to the party! I never expected her to love him...that's what really threw me. A year ago, I'm sure neither of them expected to be in each others lives....and mean so much. The way it was supposed to work was not this way. Serves me right...thinking I know the mind of the Almighty.

I know I say this a lot, but truly, it is God's world. He has planned and I can not presume to know what His next move is. And yet, I get stuck doing just that. I get stuck thinking I know the way it works and I'm just going to go about my business making it work that way. Guess what?! I'm working against Him at that point. I do believe that we often work within His plan and His will...however, I know that when I start to assume His plan I go my own way. And that is not good. That is not the way it works.

A year ago, I had no clue. I thought I knew it all. I look back and see where the ground work was being laid, the path set. I see the twists, the curvy places.

Now, I'm just going to go one day at a time. It's really the best way, the only way. I can plan...but I know that things can change in a heartbeat. That just because I have a plan doesn't make it so.

Where were you a year ago? Can you see where His hand has touched? Can you see where you thought you had it figured out and He just moved you away from that?? Keep watching, dear ones. And remember, He is for us....no one can stand against!

Stay tuned.....

Ties That Bind

We are creatures of habit. We do the same things every day, talk to the same people, live our days like the one before it. We tie ourselves to many different things: people, belongings, animals etc. We tend to hold tight, tie the ropes tighter and hope nothing breaks.

So......what happens when someone chooses to break them? In our family we've recently had some pretty life changing, earth shattering moments. Someone we love has made a decision to die. They have not been successful. While this is good, we are left with the why of it all. We're left to ask questions that they won't answer, we're left to pray it won't happen again. We're holding desperately to the tie that binds us....they're trying just as desperately to cut it.

We've learned that life is more fragile than we thought, and we've learned that no matter what you think is going on, you really have no idea. We can presume to know the inside, we can take things at face value, we can gloss over the what we're looking at. In the end, we Just. Don't. Know.

We think that life is to be valued. And rightly so. We love the ties that bind us to other people, ties that don't restrict but allow growth. We love those that we're tied to. We hope they love us, too. We hope they value themselves as much as we value them. It doesn't always happen. We've learned that no matter how much slack you give, how much you hope that they'll remain tied....they may not want the same thing.

This doesn't just apply to this specific person in our lives. It applies to friendships, familial relationships, marital relationships...pretty much any relationship. Those ties that bind are strong, but sometimes someones will is stronger. This has been a hard winter for our family. We've had "stretched" cords, sorrowful breakings. Matty and I have had to figure out how to tighten the bindings that had stretched to far. On a whole, as a family, we've had to figure out how to love that someone who doesn't want to be here anymore. We're still having to figure out how to continue loving them.

The ties that bind us to others isn't a simple thing. There is history. There is love. There is sorrow. There is delight. There is shared experience. There is a lifetime of figuring it out and dreaming. When someone wants to break that binding, it's painful. Our hearts hurt for all the not understanding.

There is one tie that never breaks. And I know that He sees this all. He sees the ties that bind us all together, He sees the frayed edges, the broken rope. He sees where it's strongest and needs to be shored up. His tie to me is made of something stronger than typical cable. I know that. His tie to that someone is stronger than all the ties they're trying to break. I need to remember that. His grace is sufficient. No matter how things happen, I need to remember His plan is always perfect. My heart may sorrow....yet even in sorrow, I can rest. His will be done.

Please pray for our family. Please don't ask any questions. Thank you, dear ones, for allowing me to 'vent'.

Trust Issues

Don't laugh....I've realized I have MAJOR trust issues. Try dating one of our daughters....or wanting to marry one. (right, son in law?) For some strange reason, I think that as soon as I'm out of sight, people change. They suddenly become who they really are. And I never get to know, because I can't see them. I think this is a little askew. Actually, probably a lot askew. That's what I'm going with.

I don't know where it started. Childhood? Young adulthood? I know that marrying someone 7 years older than me and then being abused for 2 years didn't help. You're supposed to trust your spouse...I couldn't trust him with anything. I'm sure there were sometimes my mistrust was misplaced. But I allowed it all the same. I know that now there are situations in which it isn't warranted, yet here I am...worrying myself sick with mistrust.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's watching things happen and wanting to direct they way things go. Maybe it's one little slip up and then I'm done. I KNOW some of that is from my 2 years of sad. I don't give people chances anymore. I figure one is enough and if they mess up why should I stick around? I mean, it isn't always like that...but there are those that I just flat out don't trust/like/want to be around.

Wow. I am so glad that God doesn't have the same view point. Here I am talking about trust and I have broken so many. Yet...He loves me anyway. He has carried me up and out of a pit more than once. And I have the audacity to not even trust Him?? That's what this comes down to. Trusting God.

I see trust issues presenting themselves more when it's a girl situation. Pretty sure it's because I don't want any of them to be broken. But...really...isn't that God's part? Isn't He the one that has created and invested in them more than I? Didn't He just allow us to raise them? For HIM??? His purpose and His plan. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a current. I'm losing.

So...it's time to give it up. I'm giving it up to God. A couple entries ago, I said I wasn't going to trust someone...that I was going to trust God. So here we go. For the billionth time, I am giving this all to God. He's got it, I just keep trying to snatch it back and carry it. Silly, mistrustful me.


What are you struggling with? What are you not trusting? WHO are you not trusting? Because He sees it. He knows, and He loves you. He wants to carry your mistrust, your angst and anxiety. He wants you to settle and just remember His promises.

I just started a bible study at church. It's "Anxious for Nothing" by John MacArthur. Yup...God is speaking to me. It's 'bout time I listen.



"And again, "I will put My trust in Him." And again, "Behold, I and the children whom God has given Me."
Hebrews 2:13

Who Says?

Who says that love has an age? I've met people who's love story began at 15 and some who didn't start until their 50's. Who decides the "magic" age?

I mean, I get it. I have daughters. I never wanted them to talk to those who had love stories that began young. I was afraid it would sway them, teach them to look when they're barely able to navigate their emotions. I always told them to wait. Begin their life. Grow. Boy, am I presumptuous!

As their mother, I am given certain liberties. I teach them right from wrong, discipline when needed, love always. I can give advice, pray they take it and lift them up when they don't. But...I can NOT presume to know their story. Because they have one. Each has their own story, written by the greatest Author of all.

So...WHO SAYS they can't love young, can't love old. Who says they have to go to college, who says they can't chuck it all and live in the wilds sharing about Jesus? Who says that they can't decide to not get married at all? Who says they MUST have children, who says they MUST wait a certain amount after marriage? Who says their story is less than written by God?

Well, sometimes I say. I've recently learned that what we say really affects our children. I know! I've been a mother for almost 24 years and I'm STILL learning! I can see where my own agenda has put a crimp in the road for them, see where someone else has swayed thought process and it's hurt my child in the unfolding. I can see glimpses into others lives, glimpses of sorrow and shame and rebellion. I can see those who aren't sure how to love, how to live. Someone else has had a lot of say in those lives. I don't want that to be our girls.

I'm learning that each of their stories is unique to them. When they go off path, God is right there to pick them up and set them straight. Sometimes, there are blips that He allows. And we are all the better for it. We get to grow. Often it hurts, but the outcome is amazing.

Again I ask: Who Says? And if it's you...then WHO are you to say? I will rest in knowing that God is bigger than anything that seems scary. I will rest in His promise that He is FOR them and nothing can stand against Him. I will rest in knowing that at creation, He KNEW about these 6 amazing and wonderfully knit together daughters. He knew them by name, knew their whole life. I will rest in knowing that there isn't a "too young" or a "too old". I will rest in knowing He is in control.

I will rest.

Letting Her Go

It doesn't matter which "Her" I'm talking about. I've had to let them all go in one way or another over the past couple of years. I've had to stop fighting battles for them, had to stop trying to keep them from falling into a pit. I've had to watch as they've struggled, watch as they cried. I've had to say goodbye to their childhood selves. Where I would see a little girl, a woman was standing.

When you're handed that bundle....that sweet, tiny, dependent bundle....you're overcome with joy. You're thinking about all the milestones that will come, all the firsts. Your heart tries not to think about the lasts.

Maybe it's hit so hard because I've had 3 graduate in a row. 3 girls that are making their own way. My stair steps. Or maybe it's because in a matter of months, I've had 2 boys sweep girls off their feet. And one of the girls looks to her boy more than me. I know that's the nature of life, the way things are supposed to unfold....but when it comes from left field, it's always an adjustment. Plus, I don't trust easy. Ask him, he'll tell you.

But I made a decision. I decided not to trust him, but to trust God. Because every step was written by Him. And if He has allowed this young man, then who am I to NOT trust? I have to believe that this guy's intentions are honest, that his heart is truly what it appears. I have to trust that the other young man is truly seeking God in his relationship with our other girl, and will move if God says MOVE. I have to trust that God won't allow more than they can handle. I have to believe that our top stair will figure it out, have to trust God's plan and will in her life. I have to KNOW that He loves them more than I.

It's a hard thing when your child isn't your little one anymore. Suddenly the opinion of someone else matters more, their point of view holds more weight than mine. I can tell her to do one thing and she laughs me off, he says the same thing and she quickly agrees. He walks on the outside of the sidewalk, places himself between her and danger. He drives a bit more careful, buys her favorite food and comes to her defense when I'm calling her out on being rude....to him, no less! All these things are what I've prayed for, wanted and dreamed for them. Maybe I just thought it wouldn't happen, that somehow time would slow and they would remain mine.

But I guess that's my folly. They were never mine to begin with.

I will relish the moments I have left, the giggles, the joy, the struggles. I will grasp every juncture, enjoy all God gives us to cherish. No matter what unfolds with these young men, it will always be an experience to remember, occasions to recall. Some moments will bring sorrow, some will bring wishful thinking. Some will bring laughter, some contentment. No matter what, I will not forget to just revel in the way God has unfolded the adventure of my life.

One day, when they're all holding their own bundles of sweetness, they'll get it. Those young men will suddenly be overcome with a fierce desire to protect and hold tight. Our stair steps will be overcome with joy, waiting excitedly for all the firsts. When they get to the lasts, I'll be there. Their hearts will be sad, mixed with joy. And I'll get it. I'll be able to commiserate and look back with them over my own journey...of letting her go.

To the one I'm trusting: So proud of you. You're a good kid, with a good heart.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
Credit to Passenger, I do not own the rights to this song/video.

Possibilities

In the 2 weeks since my first post of the year, things have gotten better. I decided to post my "resolutions". Not really resolutions, because resolutions bring guilt if not accomplished. We will call them......"Possibilities".

My hopes and dreams of possibilities for this year are:

-Love my husband better. Already working on this one. It's not easy, but I am truly pushing forward with it. He can still frustrate me, but I feel as though we're both more honest and exposed with the other.

-Be happy for my children. Disclaimer: I am NOT never happy for them. I am just not always happy that they get to grow up and begin their own lives. That part always makes me sad. I mean, HELLO....we raised them and loved them. In certain cases, someone else has come along to love them. AS sweet as that is, it's sometimes sad. Sigh.

-Walk the dogs more. They need it, I need it...my poor socks need it. And wooden spoons, plastic bowls, etc. need it.

-Be present for my friends. I've been in seclusion for about 3 months. Part of it has been sick kids, sick me, sick Matty. Part of it has been me not wanting to go into the world. To much to explain out there. I'm sorry if I've been withdrawn.

-Be more patient with my family. That is all.

-Go to Texas with Kaily! Ha! That one becomes reality on Wednesday. Unless we die before then. Or Jesus comes back. But...I'm planning on flying out early in the a.m. on Wednesday. See you on the flip side!

-Call my faraway friends. I miss you people!

-Try to be more neutral. I am highly opinionated (really I am!) and I need to remember that I should be patient with those that don't think like me.

-Maybe get 'new' cabinets. Painting is good.

-Be Matty's cheerleader.

-Trust God. This one should be easy. But it's not always.

-Tell others about Him. It's simple.

-Stop taking back the burdens I give up. They're heavy and not worth it! He is more than willing.

-Let God love me.

There are so many more. These are the ones that came first to my mind. As this year unfolds, remember that there are possibilities all around. Remember that God loves you and is for you. Somewhere along the line last year I forgot that. Not always, just sometimes. When it seems darkest, He is there. When it seems hopeless, He is there. When the possibilities seem limited, remember there is always opportunity. Even if it's just to smile at someone, grasp EVERY moment. His grace is sufficient, His love boundless, His way full of promise.

2 weeks ago, I came out of the gate with a very heart wrenching, honest missive. The facts of that haven't changed, but I'm more ready to welcome 2014. It waits to unravel in a marvelous adventure.

Happy New Year, friends. Adventure well!

The Unseen

Welcome 2014! Not sure what happened to your predecessor, but I'm happy to see you! 2013 was a hard year. It was a year of "The Unseen".

I left my husband last year.

It started out innocently enough. I got mad over some small thing. A small piece of my heart closed off. Then something else happened and the unseen wall got bigger and stronger. Before I realized it, I had 'left' Matty. We were two people just sharing space. I felt as though I shouldered every emotional boulder that came our way. In reality, I did. He has a tendency to let me take control. And I take it. If someone hands me the reigns, I run with the horse.

My husband left me last year.

I'm sure it started out innocently enough. He would compliment me and I would shrug it off. When I feel bad about myself, nothing anyone says gets through. He no longer felt validated. His unseen barrier grew taller and thicker.

Whether we loved each other or not wasn't the issue. It was whether or not we could find our ways past the things that held us apart. I always love Matty and I believe he always loves me. This unseen sorrow became seen one day early in December. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I know my husband is a good man, a good provider and a good father. He stopped being a good husband. I didn't know how to be a good wife anymore. Or even if I wanted to.

I won't dishonor our marriage by giving intimate details of what happened. I will say that there was no infidelity on either side, no 'other' people. We have taken counsel with our pastor. Things were better....then they got worse.

In this worse, both of us crying, we decided that our marriage was worth it. We never really entertained the idea of it not being worth it. We felt as though if we didn't openly and honestly commit to each other and our marriage, then "The Unseen" would just get bigger, bolder and scarier. Everything was laid out on the table, our hearts exposed, our sorrow palatable.

There are things that will change. Things that have been prayed about and sorrowfully admitted. Things that will make a difference.

Being brutally honest: Our marriage was saved by God. This is the marriage that God has blessed, this is the marriage that God desires to continue. The things we think are "Unseen"....well He sees them all. He allows them to come to light, no matter the sorrow that comes with. God is good, even when the world falls apart. God is great, even when you're so broken you think there is nothing that will help. His presence is a balm to the blistered flesh of my soul. His healing comes in waves, soothing the broken, bitter pieces. He has put us together. Our hearts are knit firmly.

We left each other last year. It was Unseen by the world, but seen by God. It wasn't physical, but emotional. When it seems there is no hope and you're broken into a million pieces, take heart. He sees and will restore what's been harmed. He reminded us that we need to be behind a wall together. That our marriage needs a fence around it to protect it. We need to be tended to...by each other. While I know that we'll probably slip up sometimes, we have both promised to talk first....keep each other in the "loop".

I love my husband. My husband loves me. That was never the problem. Guard your heart, beloved. Don't let the enemy con you into thinking you're safe. You're never safe with out consistent prayer and God's hand in your life....and in your marriage. Don't let the unseen foxes in.

I felt this was the right way to ring in the New Year. Admitting the old one was kind of sucky. God is all about grace, new beginnings and love. Let Him wash over you, let Him be your beginning.

Happy 2014, everyone. Have wonderful adventures!