The Gift of Intentional Presence

That's me. My (early) New Year's resolution is going to be intentional presence. I want to be there for our daughters, for my family, for friends and most importantly for my husband.

I find myself at a distance. I'm standing outside circles, wishing I was in them. I'm watching happiness and not claiming any for myself. I'm dreaming of better times and not creating them. That was me....but not for a bit.

Happiness is mine. It's in the laughter of our family as we play games, watch movies and talk. It's in prayer with friends, decorating with family and sharing meals will all aforementioned. Yet...I was letting it slip by. Caught up in the drama of my heart, I forgot to be happy. I forgot to allow God's presence wash me in joy. Not anymore. I'm claiming it.

The circles I stand outside of are sometimes my making, sometimes others have created them. I can't do anything about those ones. I found myself frustrated. Frustrated by the feeling of "outside looking in". Social events have come and gone, I haven't been invited. It's hard, when you feel like you're supposed to be part of a 'family'.....yet you feel like you're really not part of anything. I felt like I was sinking, pouring my heart out often to those around me (in this forum) and no one approached to pray with me, or even to say they loved me. But maybe, just maybe, they weren't sure how to. I know I'm not the only to ever feel this way...about these things. I'm scared putting this out there, but trusting God with my heart. The circles of my creation? Well, I'm going to smudge those lines. I'm going to be bold, try not to be scary and pray God will open up some fabulous relationships! Disclaimer: I was NOT sitting at home thinking "Woe is poor, friendless me!"...I have some very good friends I've cried with and to and have certainly been loved through this. I guess I was just wanting....

I've allowed my sorrow of sorrows to color my world. It's been a hard road, this Matty and I thing. We traveled along smoothly for 10 years and out of nowhere a mountain sprang up. We couldn't go around it anymore, we'd done that for 4 years. We were getting nowhere. I would imagine in my head certain scenarios and with the intent to play them out, I would go forward into my day. Imagine my surprise when it didn't exactly work out that way. I would get angry, hurt an undertone. In my hurt I would hurt others. My dreams were shattering...why not just let them fall to pieces??! More recently, I've been more cautious with those dreams, I've allowed them to expand and take root. I don't hurt as much. Sometimes, I struggle with trusting....but he's working on it and so am I.

I'm giving those around me the gift of intentional presence. I want to be there for you, too, friend. I don't know you, maybe you don't know me. But I'm praying for you. I'm praying that in the midst of my selfish ramblings, my emotional struggles, my joyful exploits something resonates. I want you to know that God is my inspiration with this blog, He gives the words form. I pray your hearts are open to those around you, that your heart is open to Him. I pray His peace surpass understanding, His love enfolds you heartily. He is always present. I don't have to ask Him, don't have to plead. He is watching over me, bottling my tears and enjoying my joy.

I am going to be intentional. Be intentional with me, friends. Find joy, claim it. Remember that as dark as it looks, He is holding your hand.