It doesn't matter which "Her" I'm talking about. I've had to let them all go in one way or another over the past couple of years. I've had to stop fighting battles for them, had to stop trying to keep them from falling into a pit. I've had to watch as they've struggled, watch as they cried. I've had to say goodbye to their childhood selves. Where I would see a little girl, a woman was standing.
When you're handed that bundle....that sweet, tiny, dependent bundle....you're overcome with joy. You're thinking about all the milestones that will come, all the firsts. Your heart tries not to think about the lasts.
Maybe it's hit so hard because I've had 3 graduate in a row. 3 girls that are making their own way. My stair steps. Or maybe it's because in a matter of months, I've had 2 boys sweep girls off their feet. And one of the girls looks to her boy more than me. I know that's the nature of life, the way things are supposed to unfold....but when it comes from left field, it's always an adjustment. Plus, I don't trust easy. Ask him, he'll tell you.
But I made a decision. I decided not to trust him, but to trust God. Because every step was written by Him. And if He has allowed this young man, then who am I to NOT trust? I have to believe that this guy's intentions are honest, that his heart is truly what it appears. I have to trust that the other young man is truly seeking God in his relationship with our other girl, and will move if God says MOVE. I have to trust that God won't allow more than they can handle. I have to believe that our top stair will figure it out, have to trust God's plan and will in her life. I have to KNOW that He loves them more than I.
It's a hard thing when your child isn't your little one anymore. Suddenly the opinion of someone else matters more, their point of view holds more weight than mine. I can tell her to do one thing and she laughs me off, he says the same thing and she quickly agrees. He walks on the outside of the sidewalk, places himself between her and danger. He drives a bit more careful, buys her favorite food and comes to her defense when I'm calling her out on being rude....to him, no less! All these things are what I've prayed for, wanted and dreamed for them. Maybe I just thought it wouldn't happen, that somehow time would slow and they would remain mine.
But I guess that's my folly. They were never mine to begin with.
I will relish the moments I have left, the giggles, the joy, the struggles. I will grasp every juncture, enjoy all God gives us to cherish. No matter what unfolds with these young men, it will always be an experience to remember, occasions to recall. Some moments will bring sorrow, some will bring wishful thinking. Some will bring laughter, some contentment. No matter what, I will not forget to just revel in the way God has unfolded the adventure of my life.
One day, when they're all holding their own bundles of sweetness, they'll get it. Those young men will suddenly be overcome with a fierce desire to protect and hold tight. Our stair steps will be overcome with joy, waiting excitedly for all the firsts. When they get to the lasts, I'll be there. Their hearts will be sad, mixed with joy. And I'll get it. I'll be able to commiserate and look back with them over my own journey...of letting her go.
To the one I'm trusting: So proud of you. You're a good kid, with a good heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
Credit to Passenger, I do not own the rights to this song/video.
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