Next Go Round

Here we are. We've had our second session. We've survived it.

It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.

We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.

Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.

I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.

Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.

I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.

Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.

The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.

ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!