Walking Backwards

You ever want to walk backwards just so you don't forget where you've been? The desire to savor the view or take in the battered land you've left behind, shaking with gratitude that you no longer camp there.

We're walking backwards, every step careful.We're taking in the scene before us, imprinting in our minds where we don't ever want to go again. The war torn land around us is full of pits and sorrow, but we are sure footed. The past 2 weeks have been cautious, anxious and wonderful. I am very apprehensive about believing my husband...worried those thoughts will overtake his mind again. He is very tolerant and gentle in his loving me....reassuring me consistently. I find myself having faith in him again.

We argued yesterday. It was, I believe, a HEALTHY argument. There was no yelling, no bitter words. Yet....my fear overtook me. I had to ask him if he was thinking we'd be better off not together. He said absolutely not. Then we went through the "talk" again....he wasn't going to allow those thoughts, those things only came when it was REALLY bad and he never gave them credence anyways. My heart was settled.

Every day, I believe in him a little bit more. Not only that but I BELIEVE his words. I ask him often what makes these words different than when he said them before. He says it's because he remembered he needed me to breathe. That's good, because I remembered I loved him.

I've said it a lot through this trial: Marriage is HARD. It doesn't come with an instruction manual. Although, the Bible is a great resource. There are so many who seem to do it right...so what was wrong with us that we couldn't get it just so?? Nothing, really. Those who appear to have perfect marriages struggle too...they're just more private. Or maybe they haven't hit the hard time yet. Maybe they're in the middle of it and can't admit it. Honestly, I was confused when things first started to blow up. We loved each other, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. How could we have hit such a HUGE wall??

Well, we're human. And we're not impervious. In fact, when you start thinking you are....well, watch out. That is when you're the most vulnerable.

I've seen marriages crumble over small things, seen families torn apart over someone's choice. Someone decides they just don't like the situation they're in, they just want out. I don't believe that's where my husband was at. I believe he honestly wanted what, he thought, would be better for all involved. It didn't take much convincing for him to realize that was not better for anyone. I am so thankful to God for giving us restoration. So grateful for His continued healing. Not all marriages are healed. My heart breaks for those suddenly single mothers, the fathers that get to see their children only on weekends...the children who are no longer whole.

I pray with relief as we walk backwards into tomorrow. We aren't quite whole...but we will be. God is doing a great work in our marriage and I am so excited to share it with you all. I ache to think you may be hurting, in the midst of a war yourself. Please know that I am praying for you.

Walking backwards takes faith. Let your steps be sure, your heart be comforted. He knows the way, His hand holds yours....and mine.