We left home a week ago to drive K to her new home. Our rig was loaded heavy with furniture,boxes and odds and ends. Her mattress was bagged up and tied down to the top of the car. We were definitely a sight to see, but really who cared?? We were on a mission.
Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!
The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.
We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.
Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.
Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??
My,Oh My.
I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.
Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.
She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?
Nothing. My story is different.
I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.
Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.
My...Oh...My.....
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