We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Our year was full of so many things. Here are the highlights:

Emily began her senior year of college...come May we will have our very first college graduate. She also scrambled to find her focus. Great thing is...God is in the business of unscrambling and focusing! She got her very first pet...a blind, old cat she calls Ro-Ro.

Hillary and Jeremy are raising our sweet grandgirls. Piper had her very important 1st birthday and our sweet Reyasunshine turned 3. Their family started going to a wonderful church where they've plugged in and feel very loved! Jeremy continues to work 3 part time jobs to support them and Hillary's health issues continue to plague her. God is so great to give provision! We've seen some wonderful provision for their family! They have a kitty named Zoey who causes the girls much delight!

Chellsei began her junior year at BSU. She loves sign language and history...don't start a conversation about WWII if you don't want to go on for a bit! She began helping in the youth group at church this summer and continues to drum occasionally. She went on a weekend mission trip to Grandview, WA with our church over the summer; enjoyed seeing the people she served with in years prior. Her and her boyfriend celebrated their 2 year anniversary. Wonder what's next! God is so good to unfold adventures before our very eyes! Just a week ago, she flew off to Germany to see....

Kaily and Tim. His job took them overseas to Germany. They live in a small village and are enjoying it immensely. The possibility of deployment always looms; they're preparing themselves for that. On a journey to a small zoo in France, they saw some very wild....raccoons. We had quite the giggle over that. We skype often. The girls are enjoying their sister time until January when C flies home. They've kept us quite entertained with finding just the right beer stein for their dad and grandpa. T & K had to leave their dogs and hedgehog behind...there were tears shed! (We've found homes for dogs, hedgehog lives in C's room now. Our pet count is now 2 dogs, 1 rat and a hedgie. Soon, a Ro-Ro. :/)

Savannah is attending Sage International School. She is doing well and has friends! I know because I ask her every day. She recently (Tuesday)joined the braces gang. Didn't think she could get any cuter...I was wrong. She enjoyed her first mission trip; Grandview Wa for a week with our church! She LOVED it! After that, she went away to camp for 3 weeks this summer...2 as servant staff and one as a camper. She developed relationships and is looking forward to heading back next year! They've asked her to serve for the summer. She has switched her focus from becoming a vet to working with children. Also, she got to see her favorite band in concert and, after having an allergic reaction, got to meet Sadie Robertson! What joy! Can't wait to see what story God has written for her!

Harley is in 7th grade at The Village Charter Middle School. She has a heart for those around her and I love getting to see her sweet nature exposed. She was just in a play at school and let me tell you...she was AMAZING! One of the only kids without a script in her hand and she definitely has a flair for the dramatic! Her timing was great and she knocked the socks off the audience. She continues to show her artistic talent and we continue to be blown away. Really praying that God show us how to tap into supporting that and getting her where she needs to be to develop the talents He's given her.

Matt and I are doing well. We had a bit of a rough start this year. We've made new friends, rekindled with old ones and have continued to grow and heal as a couple. We joined a small group at church...it's great to hear perspective from people who have recovered from where we are or to share where we've been to others who may be heading there. I began working at H's school 3 hours a day. It's a great little part time job....God has reminded me that He had me where He wanted me for a reason. So, we'll see. Right now, that is our "Savannah braces account". Matt continues to work at the hospital. He loves working with the people and loves talking with those who ask about his AGAPE tattoo...who knew that could be a mission field??! His new goal is to get his GED sooner rather than later and move forward in the medical field. He also went to Grandview for a weekend...he loved building and helping around the church. He also loved the relationship building with others from our church! In August, we went and grabbed those Pryde's from NM. It was a wonderful time for just the 4 of us to have an adventure!

All in all....we're alive. We're all breathing and we're all growing. It wasn't a perfect year, wasn't a quiet one. We had lots of adventures this year, lots of tears, lots of laughter.

And I wouldn't change it.

God is so good, so amazing to love me. He is truly the reason for the season.

So...Merry Christmas, friends. May your new year unfold with joy and His hand unfolding your adventure.


Remember the baby born to die...so you could live with Him.

Thankfulness

It's been a while. Not for lack of trying or inspiration; simply because the words wouldn't flow. But here I am. My annual Thankful blog.

If you had asked me at the beginning of this year if I would have anything to be thankful for, I would've probably said my kids and that's it. Good thing that God is truly great! My list is certainly bigger than 6 girls.

Here it is, my Thankful list.

-God. Without Him, I never would've survived the year(s) I've had. They've been hard, fraught with worry and despair. I. Have. Survived. And will continue to do so with His strength.

-Matt. I am thankful for him....thankful for his patience as we still figure out this married thing. (yes, it's been 15 years....still figuring it out) Thankful we can have fun while we do!

-Girls. 6...8 including grandgirls! These wonderful girls! So blessed to be able to watch their lives unfold; sometimes with joy, sometimes with sorrow...always with God's hand. Those sweet little grandgirls of ours are amazing...looking forward to more someday!

-Skype! Without it, we'd never talk to our sweet girl in Germany!

-Sons-in-law. One is a good father to those sweet little ones, the other is a co-adventurer with our far away girl. So thankful they are striving to be the men God created them to be.

-Rides home from college. Without those, we'd never see our U of I girl! She graduates this year...so proud of the woman she is becoming.

-Family. (including friends) You know this has been a hard road this past year (or 2) and without you guys praying....well, things would've been different. Thank you...you mean so much to me.

-Church Family. A body of believers who believe in us!

-Church Camp. Where S got to grow!

-Murphy and Whisper. And Jake...who now lives with my parents. Our lives would be boring without our fur babies.

-A borrowed vehicle. Whew! That was a wonderful blessing for our sweet C.

-Breath. Every day new.


There is so much more to find joy in, to be thankful for. I am so thankful that God is in the "business" of bringing hope to the hopeless. So thankful that His love for me doesn't change. That He is always writing my story even when I'm trying to break out of the margins. I'm so thankful for all the small moments that trumped the really bad icky big moments. So thankful that even in my absolute sorrow, He saw me and held me.

It's so important to know that wherever you are, someone else has been. Our lives are not always the shiny faces we put on. I encourage you to reach out. Someone else may have gone through the same thing, felt the same thing or knows exactly how you feel. Plus, the King of Kings is always available. His desire is for you to know Him; to be His. His love doesn't fail, there aren't stipulations to Him loving you.

I am so thankful for that love. That unending love and the gift of grace.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. May you day be blessed, your table be full and your joy overflowing.

Just One More...

...kiss
....moment
.....day
......hug
............

The day is almost here. Tomorrow, our tall girl has her birthday. We are so joyful that we get to spend it with her; it's all tinged in "blue". The minutes went too fast, the days too full. And now, it's over.

She's going so very far away. We can't just drive to see/get/be with her. She is excited and nervous; has pretended all week that the day isn't coming. We all have kind of "ostriched"...head in sand, hearts in denial. Her sisters have soaked up moments, her daddy gathered hugs. I've treasured smiles and laughter.

This is one of those times I have to truly remember that she was never really mine.

She has always been His. He designed her, He gave us wisdom in raising her. He knew her future, He wrote her story. And now, I have to trust Him.

It seems so strange. They really do grow up and move into their own lives. It seems like they were babies just the other day....LOTS of other days!

Our youngest is 13 on Friday. Time is flying. It seems like there are never any "One More"s. Seems like life unravels faster than I can keep track of and girls grow quicker than I care to acknowledge. The irony is...I knew years ago I would 'lose' her to Germany. Just didn't know it would be this way.

I really am happy for them. Excited for the adventure that will soon unfold. I just, in my wistful heart, wish it wasn't happening. In my perfect space, our girls are all close by and I get to enjoy each one as grown women. While God has honored my heart in so many things, I recognize that my wistfulness is not His will. He loves me, He loves them. His plan is written, her story being revealed.

Her story isn't more important than any of the other girls'. It's just more noticeable, more prominent in our lives right this minute. So we cry, we laugh and we wish.

Just one more.


My dearest K:

I love you...every day, all the time...
...all your life and mine.

Enjoy the adventure sweets...we'll see you on the flipside.

Away We Go

Wow! It's been MONTHS since I've sat at this computer and let it all out. So much is happening....so very much.

To start, we are now parents of a 7th grader and a 9th grader. Our youngest is in 7th grade people! Holy cow...time flies. Second, E is graduating from college in the spring. From. College. C is getting ready to go into her junior year at BSU. And K...well, K is moving to Germany. Be still my heart. I thought New Mexico was bad...Germany is worse. I mean, it's exciting and all, but it's SO FAR AWAY! We're hoping to go visit next year. Praying to go visit.

Matty and I are good. We've had some bumps: his back went out, our funds are being used up by doctor bills, thought our car was dead and had a few medical scares...but we're breathing and living and growing.

Right now all six of our girls are under our roof. It feels nostalgic. There is laughter, fighting and sniffles. It's amazing how they walk into the house and revert to their space in the house. They slip into their roles...even the married ones. Even the grown up college girls. They hug their daddy and cuddle up to me. They get irritated with each other in one breath and hug each other the next.

This chapter, this last year, has been a hard one. It's been full of sorrow , restoration, joy and tears. Every year unfolds...sometimes I wish they wouldn't unfold so rapidly. I can see glimpses of the future, glimpses of what it appears our girls' lives are going to be. Who they're going to be with, what they're going to do. The women they're becoming amazes me. And even though this is the "natural order of things"....I still don't want it all to happen.

It's strange, only 4 of us at the house full time. C comes and goes, life beckons her. E is up north. H has her own little family to take care of. K is (going to be) in Germany. Life is quiet with only S and Little Bit. I miss the chaos. However, I know that even as they move on, adventure will unfold. I know that my life isn't done being written, that my story is still unfolding. That Matty and I have a life to live that doesn't involve the care of others. That even though we are always their parents, we are suddenly just us.

This transition is going to be hard. The moving way far away thing is what's hit the girls the most. K is happy to go, to be able to grow and explore with her husband. But she's soaking up her daddy hugs, her sister time and her mommy snuggles. She's getting teary thinking of moving away. We're happy she gets to go....sad to see her go. S is struggling quite a bit.

We can't forsee the adventures God has in store; can't guess at His plans. He has unfolded each girls life in a way that surprises us. We are ever so thankful to have been blessed to be the parents of such amazing and fabulous women. We are so very joyed to watch them grow and change. As hard as it is to let go, I am reminded they weren't really ours anyway.

So...I'm taking a breath, holding on while letting go. This year will unfold, regardless of if I want it to or not.


Away we go.....

Accountable

That is such a convicting word. Guilt inducing, even. As believers, we're supposed to not only be accountable to others, we're supposed to hold others accountable.

A friend of mine once told me that guilt and conviction are two different things. She was very right. Guilt can be swept away, under a mountain of sin. It can be induced by a friend's well meaning word or the way you look at another man. Conviction comes straight from God. There is no hiding, there is no pretending. In conviction, there is accountability.

When did we stop holding each other (fellow believers) accountable? When did we start looking the other way, allowing others' sin to be ignored? When did we fall into the "If it feels good" trap??

Trust me, I'm no better. I sin on a daily basis. I don't sit behind this keyboard in judgement. However....I've noticed an upswing in "tolerance" of other people's sins. I mean, really, who are they hurting by doing what they're doing? God will get a hold of them, right? Well, yeah. He will. Does that mean He wants us to sit by and watch while they make choices which separate them from Him? We say things like "Sin is sin, we shouldn't judge." But wait! That is where we're messing up.

Judgement is VERY different from holding someone accountable. Holding someone accountable is talking to a fellow believer and calling them out on what they're doing. Notice I didn't say fellow man. Here's the thing....believers have a different accountability. We are accountable to God. If you don't know Him, you don't know what I mean. That's just truth. If you do know Him, you get it...and even now you might be feeling accountable.

We live in a world that teaches our children to take what they want. To have sex if it feels right, to be attracted to people; not gender, to change their own gender because they 'feel' like they were born wrong. We live in a world that teaches our daughters to stand for what they want, our sons that the only woman worth having is the "perfect" one. We live in a world that says there are many different gods....different ways to heaven, hell or wherever. We live in a world that isn't accountable.

In my own world, there is only one God. He is the way, the truth and the light. He is the only way to heaven. In my world, gender is a gift; His marvelous creation and sex is a gift for marriage. In my world, our daughters are taught to be their husband's helpmeet. In my world, I sin. Daily. I am forgiven, hourly.

My heart has been so heavy lately. Our own daughters have made decisions that I've mourned over; those I love have made decisions I mourn over now. My heart is not to hurt nor bring guilt. My heart is to hold accountable. We really should remember that His word is the same today as yesterday and still hold truth. We need to remember that He died so we could live; that doesn't give us a free pass to sin as much as we want....it gives us a way out of the sins that we let hold us down. The pits we dig are often deep; so glad His arms are strong.


The only way through this world is with Him.

The How

I'm not even sure. How does one really get over things that happen? How does a bible believing woman slip up so often and forget that she's already forgiven the very thing that she's complaining about?? How?!

What a word! I get asked 'how' a lot in my daily life. The girls ask me how to do something, my husband asks me how to word something. The How is very important. Yet....I can't seem to get it myself.

I find myself struggling with all the 'hows'. Yes, I've forgiven Matty. Yet....I guess I haven't. I thought I did. But then the 'hows' came up in conversation. As in "How could you (Matty) say....or do.....". And I sit in my unhappy square, struggling with the 'how'.

Funny thing is, I already know HOW. God. He's the 'how'. All through scripture, He is VERY clear. TRUST HIM. We do NOT have to lean upon our own understanding. We don't have to actually answer the HOWs that come up. He is ready and willing to carry all the burdens associated with that tiny, 3 letter word.

Well.

I always amaze myself. I am always amazed at how (HAH!) easily I want to sling those burdens up onto my back. Um, Erin, WHY? Good Golly! I don't even know. Apparently, somewhere down the line, I have decided to believe that I am not important enough for the Almighty to bother with. I have decided that I can do it myself. That's when I get stuck worrying about all the HOWs. He watches and waits; always more than willing to carry them for me. Joyful and sobering all at once.

Tonight, we had a HOW conversation. Those are never pretty. They usually entail me talking a lot, with him nodding and looking a bit glazed. Not sure it's effective. Coming off the heels of this conversation, our Little Bit got sick. That just felt like the icing on a very terrible cake. And I'm sitting here, wondering HOW I'm ever going to survive.

I'll tell you. Grace. It's new every day. His love abounds; knows no limits. There is no HOW to God. He keeps every promise, bottles every tear. I may ask Him HOW...I may even doubt. He will just love me. His arms open wide; His mercy continual.

I don't know HOW other than Him.

He is the reason my marriage is surviving, even with the HOW conversations. He is the reason our girls are growing well and we have food. I don't actually have to know HOW, I just have to trust.

What HOW are you struggling with? There isn't anything He isn't working on. Nothing He isn't seeing. He knows your heart, my heart. He knows HOW. Let Him love you through it!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is right around the corner. Until about 7 years or so ago, I celebrated with the rest of the world. Celebrated my mom, was celebrated by my girls. Then, suddenly, I was hit by sorrow. Not mine. Others.

I had friends who wanted to be mothers...they couldn't. I knew women who longed to carry a baby, their body denying them that joy. I knew single women who longed to get married and have a family. I knew someone once who told me she would trade all her monetary riches just to have what I had; all these girls and not a lot of money. My heart ached for them.

In some forums they do this thing where all the moms stand up and get recognized. I feel hearts breaking, little pieces falling like shards of glass. What is worthy to be celebrated is suddenly heart wrenching to others. I don't believe there is ever malice; just sadness.

About 4 years ago, we had a school chat with a couple of teachers from the school our girls went to. One of those was an older never been married woman. She made reference to not understanding what it was like to be a parent, her words wistful. As we all talked about the one specific daughter, it dawned on me that even though this woman was single with no children, she was still helping to raise our girls. Now don't misunderstand....I mean she had influence over them. She was responsible for them in her class and even helped to shape some of their thought process. Overcome with gratitude, I let her know that even though she wasn't a 'mother', she was still very important; her love for students evident. Her eyes filled with tears as she thanked me.

I realized then that there are so many women in our daughters lives that deserve credit. I've tried to live that since. We (Matty and I) are their full time parents. They are out in this world, whether at youth group, school or mission trips and they interact with women. Women who love me, who love them. Women who influence them, listen to them and respect them. I am honored.

I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate....I have carried 7 babies, given birth to 6 and raised almost all of them to pretty good adults. They are all alive, self-sufficient and loving the Lord. That is worthy of partying about! I am saying that maybe, this Mother's Day, celebrate the influential women in your life. Remember those who love your kiddos; those that look longingly upon your worn out body with envy. They celebrate you....I know this. I try to remember them, whatever their story.

God is so gracious...I am so very glad that my worthiness to Him isn't based on how many children I have or how successful they are. I am so glad to know that I am valued to Him on my own.

Celebrate well, friends.


Happy Mother's Day...to my mom, to my daughter and to all the women who have influenced our daughter's worlds. You are precious to me.

A Little Piece of My Mommy Heart

Remember that time we had 6 daughters? Remember how we used to do lots of things together? Remember when THEY ALL GREW UP???

Yeah, me too. Talking with one of them tonight, I realized that her compass was off. As a family, we are very close. As sisters, some of them are closer than others. 2 of them in particular.

Since that tall girl left to live with her husband (how dare she??!), C has been a little lost. K was her support system, her closest friend. K, of course, gets the benefit of someone else. C has been wandering a bit. All around her, friendships are dropping. People she's known for years are suddenly no longer around. Her heart is heavy. I encourage her to get involved, meet new people. She wants to....doesn't quite know how.

I never really had the joy of a close girl relationship. When I was 18 I met my very first real friend. We are still friends to this day; she helped me escape from my first husband. I didn't meet another woman I was close with until about 10 years ago. We're still friends...don't see her as much as I would like, but I know she loves me. I'm slowly developing more girl relationships; I've got some pretty great ones and growing new ones all the time!

It's difficult,though, to try to tell your child that sometimes it's a slow process. I can explain my theory of seasonal friendships. It doesn't take away her hurt. I really want to take away her hurt.

We all knew these days would come. The days when the household got smaller and a lot quieter. We knew it would get less busy. We knew the teens we claimed as our own would someday find lives. Just because we knew doesn't mean it's easy. I've felt the sting, the break in my heart is healing. I miss them...not just the ones God blessed us to raise; the ones He put in our path to love. From my mother point of view, I forget there are others hurting. Mainly our girl.

I know He has a plan for her life. I know that the friendships that have changed may not stay that way, I know that He may be protecting her from some things and I know that in His timing He will provide joyous relationship for her! I know she misses her sister; that may never change. Her sister misses her.

This girl...she's amazing. She's a bit upside down and backwards. However, she is His. Her heart is covered. I don't doubt that she will grow past this; her life will unfold according to His will. He is for her. As He is for all of them. He created them, He knows them...He loves them.



Chin up, girl whose name they never have. You are His dead girl.

The Lie

We are surrounded by lies. Billboards, television, books....they all lie and tell us how we should look, how we should talk and how we should support the "issues". The problem is that we BELIEVE these lies. We allow them to permeate our lives, fall prey to the ones that seem innocent. Those are the most harmful; the ones that look right.

As our marriage is healing, the enemy is trying to undo the restoration that the Lord has given. We have to be careful not to fall into the snares he sets. The Bible says that he is allowed to roam and rule this earth...this is his domain. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. He works overtime in his deceit, finds joy in the sorrows.

We've gone through a challenging year. As we've navigated, I've cried out. I've believed the lies of the evil one; I've allowed his untruth to seep into my spirit. I've allowed the sadness to overtake. In short, I've allowed him small victories.

Guess what! No More! I have been reminded of His grace. I am surrounded by His love, pillowed by His spirit.

Our marriage isn't without struggle. Now, though, we turn to Him first. We argue in love and seek to soothe injured hearts and feelings. The enemy's lies have no hold. Sometimes they creep in and try to take over and sometimes I have to pray very hard to get them away.....but He always takes them, doesn't allow them.

One thing I've struggled with is the feeling of not being good enough. Here's some news for you: I. Don't. Have. To. Be. He is more than enough and wants to be always enough for me. There isn't ANYTHING I can do to make Him love me more, nothing I HAVE to do. My relationship (and salvation) are only based on the fact that I am an acknowledged sinner and that I believe in Him. He paid for me on the cross....as He hung there dying, my sin was upon Him. And He took it. If I was the only one, He would've taken it. I'm not. He did it for you, too.

There isn't ceremony in knowing Him. The enemy would have us believe it's complicated and based on a series of must do things. The truth is, it's simple.

With Him, all can be restored. The worst lie of all in our marriage was believing that we could fix it ourselves. Without our relationship with Christ being center, we had no hope. Now we are full of it.


Don't believe the enemy. He makes everything look pretty. Don't be fooled; underneath the beauty is a sorrow unimaginable. The biggest lie of all is that there is no enemy. He exists and he walks this earth.

Sunday is Easter. If you don't know Him, I encourage you to ask questions. Get to know Him in truth. You are loved, friend, and worth more than the enemy tells you. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.

The One That Wasn't

I spent last weekend at a marriage conference. Those of you that follow along know that things have been very tumultuous for Matty and I over the last year.

Last week, before the conference had even gotten here, I told him I wouldn't go with him. Part of our issue is trust and I was really struggling to trust him, to believe his words and even more to believe his actions. I told him I couldn't put myself out there for all the world to see if everything was going to be the same behind our closed doors. He told me that he hoped I'd go with him; either way he was going. That surprised me. He would go?? By HIMSELF?? To me, that spoke volumes more than any word he had said lately. My guarded heart was released a little...I believed him. It was a wonderful time of healing. So this post may seem a little out of left field, but here I go.

You know how you hear people talk about "The One"? We're taught that in movies, books and even by our parents. Adam had the "one". Of course, God did create her...there weren't any options, lucky boy that Adam. Now, options abound. We're taught to do what feels right, with whomever it feels right with. That is a lie.

I had so many options when I was younger and each one I tried to fit into the "One" box. When I was 14, my 20 year old boyfriend loved me. He was wealthy, drove a fast car and devoted himself to me. We were going to get married some day. He wasn't enough. So, I picked up a young man in high school. Yes, at the same time. I had no compass. I had been raised in church, knew the Lord....was just very motivated to be loved. I wasn't yet aware of His love for me, and how deep it really went....He is truly the One. But that's later.

Neither one of them fit into the "One" box. Like Goldilocks, I tried to fit one man after another into that box. My first husband, as you know, was very abusive. My second husband was someone I never should have married or divorced. Which brings us to Matty.

He fit very nicely into the "One" box. I just had to get my second husband out of it. So I did. I make no excuses or reasons other than I CHOSE to live with the pigs. After I quit wallowing in the mud, God so very lovingly and graciously lifted me out and blessed me with a bundle of joy. Matty became a believer and then we had a 'bonus'. (our Little Bit) We cruised along for 10 years, until WHAM....we hit a very big wall with very large obstacles on it. And here we are....broken and put back together. God is so good!

Matty wasn't "The One". Take that in.

I'm not even sure the others were. The only One that can fit into that box is actually too big to do so. His love is so vast, His grace so spectacular. I'm not sure if it's because I do have such a redemption story or what....but man!....What a mighty God!! I have seen His grace first hand, felt His touch and sorrowed when I broke His heart. I recognize His love, recognize where things could've been so very different.

Sometimes, I get so busy and I don't talk with Him. I figure I'll do it later. Time gets away and before you know it, my soul is unhappy. With the other human relationships I had, I would try to fill that void. With God, I just talk. I yell, I whisper, I don't say anything but I do cry. He hears it all, sees me down to my core. He is the One.

My love story with Matty could only be written by One as strong and amazing as Him. He took every sorry thing I have ever done and forgave me. He saw every choice before I made it, let me do it and let me fail. He bottled every tear, heard every break in my heart and spirit. He watched as Matty said those terrible things, watched as I built a very big wall against the man I had chosen to love. He surrounded us with peace that surpasses understanding.

Oh. My. Heart.

I want to cry for His goodness. I went to the conference. It was marriage changing. Life changing. There were other couples there who were struggling along side of us. Couples who had even more of a struggle ahead. Someone said there was immense sorrow among the couples, hearts were heavy. I was so glad we had been through what we had been through. So glad that I could go into this conference looking to the future with Matty instead of wondering how it would all work out. So glad we had so much time before this to work through things. It truly was a time of restoration, healing and commitment. I forgave him, friends. My heart is light. Fear sometimes tries to creep in, but I'm trying to not let it. I can only do that with the One.

So many were not "The One". Often we look so hard at the One That Wasn't, we forget that the God of the universe is!

My wish for you is that you know Him the way I do. You don't have to work for His love, He just gives it. He is just the One.

Sometimes, It's Grey

DISCLAIMER:This contains sensitive opinion about SEX

There is a movie coming out. One that has sparked so much controversy, so much sorrow....so much lust and has given the very wrong impression of love. You all know what I'm talking about. That Grey movie. The book/movie stays far from what God intended sex to be....a gift for marriage. I believe it glorifies a sexual appetite that has no confines, no boundaries and no love.

To begin, I have NOT (repeat NOT) read the book. Also, I will NOT be going to see the movie. I will, however, be addressing something I have read in response to the movie.

This movie has ignited all sorts of response. Born again believers have spoken out harshly, the not so much believing shrug it off and others (believing and non) will go see it, pretending they wouldn't dare. I've read article upon article, blog upon blog. I read one that was a letter to a daughter. So much of it was on point....some I didn't agree with. One point had to do with behavior in sex and how some things don't "fit" inside marital sex. That is what I don't agree with. Read on to find out why.

Where I'm going to land:God created sex as a gift for a married couple. Outside the obvious NO WAY stuff, (pornography, other people) inside marriage, there should be agreement (boundaries), there should be joy and FUN. It should be FULL of love. My personal belief is that if the husband and wife are in agreement, anything goes. What that anything is is OUR business...your anything is YOUR business. No one can tell you what is right, what is wrong and how to love on your spouse. God intended my marriage bed to be my own. He set some very firm rules for intimacy , very easily obeyed laws. I believe that as long as you are obeying those rules, ANYTHING goes. God intended intimacy to be enjoyed by a husband and wife and that there is freedom in that. This movie/book and it's heroine and hero (terms used loosely) are solidifying the worlds idea that sex is anyone's for the taking, without love....without marriage.

Where the book/movie goes wrong is belittling what God's gift is. It has created a false sense of pleasure, a facade that sex without marriage is No Big Deal. That intimacy can contain abuse and be pleasurable. I don't agree that abuse is alright, pretty sure that takes away the gift part. This movie/book has created a frenzy in women. It's been termed "mommy porn". It is creating the idea that women want to be used as toys, that innocence isn't worth keeping. It's creating a hero out of man that is just a broken and stuck little boy. It has taken what should be a married couples gift and turned it into nothing.


We have always been open and honest with our girls about sex. We have tried desperately to remind them of their value and worth to God, remind them that they are His beloved. We have tried to answer questions openly and relay our own experiences and the sorrows we've had. We've always taught them the difference between the physical experiences and the emotional ones. To just say "Because God says so" doesn't always cut it. We've learned to elaborate, learned to speak from the heart. We've prayed over them, we've prayed about what to tell them. We've done our best to honor Him when we teach. What we've taught our girls:Sex outside marriage is physically the same as inside marriage. The physical sensation is the same, the hormones flow. The difference??.....outside marriage comes with sorrow and shame. Self esteem takes a hit, there is always the option of just walking away and no matter how it may FEEL like love, it isn't. Outside marriage, sex is not freeing. It keeps your heart in shambles and your emotions used up. Inside marriage there should be no condemnation, no sorrow and no shame. I do know that sometimes, even in marriage, there is sorrow. I know that for some, it's a shameful thing...their love doesn't treat them as such. My heart sorrows for them. That is not how God intended.

I think I could go on and on with this. So many see sex as shameful. Even those that are married. My goal with this is to remind you all that it IS a gift. How you unwrap it is yours to decide.

It's not black and white....sometimes, it's a bit gray. (HA...see what I did there???!)

Ps....if you ever want to know how I REALLY feel, ask to see the sign above my bed. ;)


An alternative to that movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMpEY67fqoQ

I do not own the rights to this video or the movie itself, or anyone in the trailer.

Rightside Up-side down

Yes, you read that right. That's how my life has been. Just when i feel like it's all going right...WHAM! I'm flipped upside down. Sometimes even backwards.

So....everything was better. Matty and I were coasting along, restoring our marriage when we suddenly started fighting again. Not anything major, his intentions weren't meeting my expectations. I didn't like that one bit. Que the arguing. One night, after he'd worked a very long day, I decided to address such subject. Holy cow....some things were said. I believed all those things he said. It was a terrible night. Tears, sorrow, the cavalry was called in. Where are we now?? Well, we are certainly NEVER going back to that night again. We promptly made a promise to each other to NEVER allow a night like that again. He promised he would never say such things again and I have promised to try and believe him more. It's hard though...because even though he didn't mean the things he said, he said them. And they're in my head.

I started thinking about how we travel through life,right side up, our minds full of our own selves. How we worry, scurry and wander around figuring out the best way to "do" life. When something out of the (seemingly) blue happens, we're blindsided. Upside down and surprised. We think we're doing it all "right". How very wrong we are. I'm not saying we're NOT living right, not saying we're NOT being obedient. I'm saying that just because we think it's right doesn't mean it IS.

Obviously, in my marriage, there was more that needed to be talked about. More that needed to be brought out into the open. It hurt, though. I think that's why we ignored the things that were building up again. It wasn't an intentional build up, it was built out of platitude. We wanted to keep the peace, so why talk about anything??? Good golly! How often I approach life that way! Thinking why rock the boat if I don't have to?

HAH! I appear to be a boat rocker....but I'm really not. Yes, I say it like it is. Yes, I'm loud. Yes, I'm honest. Those are all traits God gave me, traits I use when He says to. (Except the loud part...I'm working on that)This may appear to be my forte, writing about my entire life....shoving it at your reading self. But really, I wouldn't do this if I had a choice. Every entry is prayed over, words tumble under my fingers and suddenly my right side up self is upside down and vulnerable before you.

He reminds me that upside down is good. Reminds me that I may not like the shaking and the flipping of my world, but that's okay. He's got me, and nothing will happen to me that He hasn't allowed. That does NOT mean that my life will run smoothly, peachy keen and suddenly like a musical. It means that even with the icky stuff, He is beside me. It means that even with the things I don't understand, He is holding me. It means that even with the things that I believed that aren't true, He is there to show me truth. Once upon a time, when I lived in a pit and ate with pigs, I knew He was there. I knew He hadn't left me. I knew I had fallen into the mud and muck and chosen to stay there. I had no excuse for my actions other than I wanted to be there. Here's the thing: He loved me all the time. He has always been for me.

Matty and I needed to approach things differently. We needed to stop coasting and really start living. We have since sat down and created a contract, a marriage contract if you will. As it will be framed and put on our wall, I will share it with you one day. God allowed us to be upside down for a moment so that we could see things differently. I'm sure it's not the last time, not the end of arguing or hurt feelings. We're married, people! Those things happen. We are going to be attacking that stuff together, even when we don't feel like it. Most importantly, He'll be right in the middle of us. Fighting for us, loving us and guiding us.



Right side up is good for a lot of things, Upside down is best to see things differently. Either way, lean on Him. His arms are wide, His hold secure.

My Circle(s) of Life

There are so many circles in my life that I feel like I can run a circus. Somedays, I DO run a circus. It's made of tweens and teens and young adults and dogs. Sometimes a rat. Anyways....

I find all different relationships in the many different circles. There are some that I am nurturing, some I am allowing to die. Some that are fading away into nothing-ness and the other person doesn't even know. I find myself creating squares, boxing people in....If I put them there, they should stay...right??!

WRONG!

There is one person in my life that I think I've been squaring up. It's hard not to. There are things that are said, actions that are taken that just offend. I worked so very hard to continue this relationship and only recently realized that I shouldn't have. It's not that it wasn't a valuable relationship, it's just that it's season was nearing an end. I can still love someone without liking them.

People come in and out, they stay for a bit then wander away. Some leave in anger, some with regret. Some leave in joy, a season passes and they've returned. I have loved so many, liked less and truly disliked a few.

Sometimes, the circles intersect and therein lies a crux. When the circles intersect in such a way, hurt is bound to be sustained. The fragility of such circles becomes known and the lines slowly fade. Feelings are hurt, people chat and the truth is lost. The circle is broken, the relationships suffers. Things are said that can't be undone.

Our girls are figuring out their own circles. They travel along, tripping over blocks...walking the tight rope that is life. One of our girls very plainly says that "I don't know how to 'Adult'!". It makes me giggle but, truthfully, it's a very real sentiment for her. They're trying to figure out relationships, figure out where everyone fits and perhaps even who doesn't fit. People that used to fit inside one circle now belong to another and sometimes, that one person doesn't belong at all. And that's where the hurt comes in. It's trying to fit that one person into a circle when you're really shoving them into a square.

In reality, there aren't really circles. I don't split my friends up based on where I think they fit. I don't have a church circle, a non church circle. I don't have people categorized depending on if they done me wrong. I do, however, recognize when a relationship season has ended. I realize when things aren't quite the same when we talk, realize that the relationship isn't running the same way. We react with emotion, react with anger. We allow ourselves to tear down what has taken years to build.

When you're young, you think that those relationships will always be the same. You think that you're strong enough to withstand the storm. Then, when things change, you're left a little surprised. A little sorrowed. Here's a secret: There is One who will never leave. One who always is loving you. One who is bigger than any circle. He is not seasonal, He is not fluid. He is not human. He is not prone to reaction. Love is His language, grace is His gift.

We should spend more time building up our circles, spend more time growing our relationships. We CAN love someone and not be their friend, love them without liking them. We can let some relationships go and grow new ones. We can withstand. Because He is for us. Nothing can stand against Him.....and by default, us. He is the bulwark.

I'm going to let it go. The relationship. I'm going to let God take this one, let Him bring closure. I'm going to love the person from afar. I will always be here, they have to want me, too. God is good to bring joy, faithful to love me. He loves you, let Him be your shield.



Kiwi-
This blog isn't about you, but I want you to know....You're now in one. I love you, don't agree with you....love you anyway.