The Precipice

prec·i·pice
noun \ˈpre-s(ə-)pəs\

: a very steep side of a mountain or cliff

: a point where danger, trouble, or difficulty begins

See that second definition?? That's where we're stopping today. I have a story to tell and it isn't pretty.

Remember back a couple (almost a few now) years ago when Matt lost his job? That was the beginning of sorrow for my marriage. You see, he lied about something small. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He thought it would do more good to lie than tell the truth. Sadly, I knew it was a lie. Thus began the "Not Trusting" phase.

Did you know you have to completely be able to trust your spouse? I mean, this is the person you've given your whole heart to...given your secrets to, your mind and body to. So, trust is HUGE. Slowly his small lie invaded every aspect of our marriage. As I quietly built my wall, he quietly slipped away emotionally. Somehow, we made it through that. Then came the next things.

My wall began being built stronger, higher. We still chatted, acted cordial. We put on a happy face when we were out....I don't think it actually hid the strain. We pretended it did. We slowly walked toward the precipice, not knowing the edge was so close.

My heart was confused, full of sorrow and discontent. I'm not even sure where he was. When the "Something" came out....I thought I would die. Little did I know that an even bigger something was waiting for me on the other side of starting counseling.

Counseling. It's been very important in our lives, but around the 3-4th time....we stopped growing. We got stuck. We started fighting so terribly. We weren't nice to each other, weren't honoring at all. We would come out of our session with renewed vigor towards "working on it", by the weekend we couldn't stand each other. Turns out there was something he was hiding.

He. Wasn't. Sure. We. Should. Be. Together.

Just typing those words, my heart stops.

We had a very emotional Friday, the day BEFORE my birthday. It was raw and full of sorrow and tears and RESTORATION. Did you read that?? RESTORATION. He was very adamant that is wasn't ME he didn't want...it was the situation. It was the way we reacted to the girls, the way we were so angry with each other, the way our words and actions hurt those around us. My head understood that, my heart not so much. All I heard was that he didn't want ME. The thing is, by the time we got to our counseling session on Friday, he had already decided that the war within his head wasn't valid. He knew at that point, and actually for a couple weeks before, that he wanted our marriage to work. However, sitting on such a thought had tainted everything else. He felt like he was lying and that we couldn't move forward until he was TOTALLY HONEST. Guess what! He was RIGHT!

When he told me that, I nearly died. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. He, on the other hand, COULD breathe. He was afraid that when he told me, I'd leave. I wanted to. Instead, I stayed. We cried, we talked, we mourned. In the counselor's office, he committed to me. He committed to us. He committed to our marriage, no matter what. No MATTER WHAT. He committed to truth in all things, no matter how the truth may sting....no matter how it hurts. Oh how my heart sings for that honesty! He committed to loving me more than himself. In turn, I committed to him. To not talking circles, to being patient. I committed to loving him more than myself. We've both committed to loving God the most. We were committed before, however...the fighting situation allowed for sorrow and complacency to take root. Those things no longer have a place in our marriage!

We walked back from from the precipice...holding each other, committed to not letting go. We fully recognize God in this situation. Every night, we did devotions and every devotion hit exactly what was happening. He has worked every instance for our marriage, He is for us. We're listening....and we're working. We're also loving each other.

We are here before you, asking for you to hold us accountable. Ask us how we're treating the other, ask us how we are. Ask us if we're holding up our end with God. We want to be vulnerable with you...we know we can't do this alone. (God is a given) Please pray along side us for continued healing and continued joy.

Marriage is hard. It's work. It's every day choosing to love someone. It's not allowing your heart to be hardened, your spirit to move away from your spouse. It's messy, scary and wonderful. Marriage is more than the "I Will", more than the honeymoon. It's the sickness, health, better worse thing. It's the even when you don't feel like it thing. We are sharing our story because it's real...it's raw and it's up and down. If you're feeling this way, or have had any similar experience......you are not alone. You are loved, your spouse is loved. Talk to someone, talk about it. God already knows, He is for you.

All glory to God.