When did I decide that society could tell me how to be beautiful? Why do I let those pictures in magazines and in the mall dictate what makes me beautiful? And why on earth do I look at those faceless mannequins and want to be as thin as them?! Because, in a sin saturated world, I feel not good enough.
When I was a teen I thought I was fat. at 14 I was 5'7 and a size 5. I thought I wasn't pretty, thought I needed to be better. I believed what t.v. and magazines and songs said. And I believed I wasn't good enough. It's pretty sad when at almost 39 these things still seep into my brain, convincing me I am just not right.
About 6 years ago, I was a size 8 and weighed 140 lbs. I think about that and I cry. Because guess what! That is not me anymore. And I, silly me, believe I am no longer beautiful.
There is always a diet craze, a weight loss fad and some skinny girl that sits next to you at the movies, church or wherever. You would think as a mom of girls I would feel differently. And I do. For them....there are different rules for the girls. I encourage their individuality. I encourage odd dressing, colored hair and multiple earrings. I encourage them to remember that they are formed in God's image, and when He looks at them all he sees is their beautiful hearts....along with their beautiful faces. This encouragement has led to some people to think they're odd ducks. Strange beings and "different". (insert hand motion from "Fantastic Mr.Fox") But that's ok...they are PHENOMENAL! But me....I'm just ordinary.
I have an eating disorder. I can't track what I eat because I'll quit eating. I've been this way since I was young. I know this about myself. And now you know it about me too. I know...I am made in God's image too. Shaped and formed and loved no matter my size. (Which I correlate to my beauty) I know these things in my heart. I just can't grasp it in my heart....so when did I decide society could dictate my beauty? When I was a young girl, and everyone around me was prettier, thinner and more put together. As a grown up, it still feels that way sometimes....and I'm stuck with teenager feelings as a grown up woman. How does it change? Well, I keep praying. I listen to what I tell the girls and I remember that I am not the only woman to feel this way. I remember that to God, I am PHENOMENAL. Cause I am....
This blog is a way for me to talk to you. So if you (whoever you are) have felt/done/been anything I have ever written about, I want you to know....it's ok. You're not alone. Not everyone admits everything...I'm just trying to do what God says. And He loves you.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I'm just a girl
Good morning, world. It's me again. After 5 hours of sleep, my internal clock went off and I dragged myself out of bed. And I started thinking. I know....it's crazy. Thinking so early in the morning.
Last night at about 11:15 p.m. I took the teens in my house and made a McDonalds run. The young adult taking our order was very sweet.....he was also flirting with me. Emily looked at me in surprise.
SURPRISE? As in, "OH MY GOODNESS! my mom is flirt worthy" surprise. Um, excuse me?! Of course I am. Yet, I realized how odd it is for them. And I think they forget I'm just a girl. They forget that I wasn't born this age and they forget that I actually had a life before them. And I like to be flirted with. (you know you do too!) I like to look pretty and more than that to know someone else thinks I look pretty. (Yes, Matty....I know you think I look pretty) I still get giddy when I see that cute boy looking at me.....(Matty). And it's still confidence boosting when the McDonalds guy flirts with me.
As a girl, confidence wanes. My self esteem takes a hit when I'm feeling "less than" and there are just some days I feel so icky about me. As a girl, my weight has gone up and down (up right now). When that happens, my confidence level fluctuates as well. I feel good, I feel bad. When my kiddos talk about how their friends all like to come over to our house, I feel great. I feel like I've done something right. When the girls are sad and feeling "less than" I commiserate. But here's the thing....THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They believe I was born almost 39 with no life experience. And how could I possibly understand?? EEESH! I am JUST a girl.
I get the same fluttery emotions, the same desire to know I'm pretty. The same ups and downs in my thought process. And it's fun to know I'm "flirt" worthy. It's also fun to see the look of surprise on the girls' faces when they realize I'm being flirted with. I asked Matty if he notices when someone flirts with him. He said no. So it leads me to the question: Does anyone else notice? Is he just oblivious to what happens? Am I an attention hog that only survives with flirty-ness?
Hmmmmm, nope. I don't think so. I ignore the flirters. I don't flirt back (not intentionally) and I don't dress for anyone but Matty and me. I honor God with my dress and my attitude. But sometimes, I think it does the girls good to remember that I am just a girl.....and not as old as they think.
Matty is oblivious. That's just him. But believe you me.....those women get no where NEAR my husband. I can spot a flirter a mile away and I have no problem going a different direction.
Last night at about 11:15 p.m. I took the teens in my house and made a McDonalds run. The young adult taking our order was very sweet.....he was also flirting with me. Emily looked at me in surprise.
SURPRISE? As in, "OH MY GOODNESS! my mom is flirt worthy" surprise. Um, excuse me?! Of course I am. Yet, I realized how odd it is for them. And I think they forget I'm just a girl. They forget that I wasn't born this age and they forget that I actually had a life before them. And I like to be flirted with. (you know you do too!) I like to look pretty and more than that to know someone else thinks I look pretty. (Yes, Matty....I know you think I look pretty) I still get giddy when I see that cute boy looking at me.....(Matty). And it's still confidence boosting when the McDonalds guy flirts with me.
As a girl, confidence wanes. My self esteem takes a hit when I'm feeling "less than" and there are just some days I feel so icky about me. As a girl, my weight has gone up and down (up right now). When that happens, my confidence level fluctuates as well. I feel good, I feel bad. When my kiddos talk about how their friends all like to come over to our house, I feel great. I feel like I've done something right. When the girls are sad and feeling "less than" I commiserate. But here's the thing....THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They believe I was born almost 39 with no life experience. And how could I possibly understand?? EEESH! I am JUST a girl.
I get the same fluttery emotions, the same desire to know I'm pretty. The same ups and downs in my thought process. And it's fun to know I'm "flirt" worthy. It's also fun to see the look of surprise on the girls' faces when they realize I'm being flirted with. I asked Matty if he notices when someone flirts with him. He said no. So it leads me to the question: Does anyone else notice? Is he just oblivious to what happens? Am I an attention hog that only survives with flirty-ness?
Hmmmmm, nope. I don't think so. I ignore the flirters. I don't flirt back (not intentionally) and I don't dress for anyone but Matty and me. I honor God with my dress and my attitude. But sometimes, I think it does the girls good to remember that I am just a girl.....and not as old as they think.
Matty is oblivious. That's just him. But believe you me.....those women get no where NEAR my husband. I can spot a flirter a mile away and I have no problem going a different direction.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
However....
Good Morning! It's been a long couple of days at our house. Matt got demoted (which means less pay), the tall girl broke up with her boyfriend (who she met at church camp) and one girl is sick. I haven't slept in 2 days. HOWEVER, I have not had a breakdown....not really.
Remember when I said some time ago that the girls were "off the market"? No boyfriends, only courtship stuff? Well, we broke the rule for the tall girl. And we liked her boyfriend. He was so sweet to her! Respected us and the rules we laid out. Respected her and the boundaries she set for herself. Then, sad day, she broke up with him. She felt like he was more invested than she was in the relationship. We have a rule for the boys our girls date....if they, at any time, feel as though they no longer want relationship they need to tell the girls right away. And so we told the tall girl he deserved that same respect.
He thanked her for being honest and said he would stay her friend. She was crying. She doesn't like hurting people. From now on, no boyfriends for her. However, I REALLY like him. The girls bring these boys into their lives, which in turn brings them into ours. And we like them. Then they are gone. Sigh.
Matt got demoted. His confidence is shaken, his manhood on the line. I know he feels like he has let us down, done something wrong and is "less than". And of course you had me saying things like "I asked you if......". I'm quite positive that did not make him feel better. Since the first initial shock, things have settled into "git 'er done" mode. We've made plans (tentative) and have been praying. Alot. I know that the Lord has plans, I know that nothing happens without first being brought to the Father. I know we will be ok. However, things will be tight, money will be scarce and there won't be alot of frivolous expenditure. And that's ok. It's going to be creative living. We will find all the free things to do in Boise!
It's easy to try and wallow. To Eeyore it up and be all "Poor me" and "Why us?". It's easy to go crazy with the "what ifs" and look at situations that maybe won't even be a situation. It's easy to ignore that this was a plan. However, I have been called to do the opposite to all those things. This is a plan. Not mine, but His. And who am I to wallow? We still have each of our children, our home and eachother. We are healthy (except Chellsei who is nursing a cold). We have friends and a church home where, I believe, we are loved. And we have a Father, who loves us continuously and in His very own words says His plan is for our good and not to cause harm.
While I did cry, I also prayed. And yesterday, my bible study was on Job. Go figure. And I am reminded, AGAIN, that God has this. What the world means for evil, the Lord means for good. I intend to enjoy the good.
The tall girl asked if her not being invested in the relationship meant she had a problem with commitment. I told her no....she's only 15, she doesn't have to commit....she has to grow up first.
Remember when I said some time ago that the girls were "off the market"? No boyfriends, only courtship stuff? Well, we broke the rule for the tall girl. And we liked her boyfriend. He was so sweet to her! Respected us and the rules we laid out. Respected her and the boundaries she set for herself. Then, sad day, she broke up with him. She felt like he was more invested than she was in the relationship. We have a rule for the boys our girls date....if they, at any time, feel as though they no longer want relationship they need to tell the girls right away. And so we told the tall girl he deserved that same respect.
He thanked her for being honest and said he would stay her friend. She was crying. She doesn't like hurting people. From now on, no boyfriends for her. However, I REALLY like him. The girls bring these boys into their lives, which in turn brings them into ours. And we like them. Then they are gone. Sigh.
Matt got demoted. His confidence is shaken, his manhood on the line. I know he feels like he has let us down, done something wrong and is "less than". And of course you had me saying things like "I asked you if......". I'm quite positive that did not make him feel better. Since the first initial shock, things have settled into "git 'er done" mode. We've made plans (tentative) and have been praying. Alot. I know that the Lord has plans, I know that nothing happens without first being brought to the Father. I know we will be ok. However, things will be tight, money will be scarce and there won't be alot of frivolous expenditure. And that's ok. It's going to be creative living. We will find all the free things to do in Boise!
It's easy to try and wallow. To Eeyore it up and be all "Poor me" and "Why us?". It's easy to go crazy with the "what ifs" and look at situations that maybe won't even be a situation. It's easy to ignore that this was a plan. However, I have been called to do the opposite to all those things. This is a plan. Not mine, but His. And who am I to wallow? We still have each of our children, our home and eachother. We are healthy (except Chellsei who is nursing a cold). We have friends and a church home where, I believe, we are loved. And we have a Father, who loves us continuously and in His very own words says His plan is for our good and not to cause harm.
While I did cry, I also prayed. And yesterday, my bible study was on Job. Go figure. And I am reminded, AGAIN, that God has this. What the world means for evil, the Lord means for good. I intend to enjoy the good.
The tall girl asked if her not being invested in the relationship meant she had a problem with commitment. I told her no....she's only 15, she doesn't have to commit....she has to grow up first.
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