Oh My Heart.....

Be still, my heart.

It's almost time. Almost time to take the tall girl to her husband. This month has gone by faster than expected, faster than hoped. I still have not found a way to slow down time...or even stop it altogether. Emotions have started to pick up. She's started to realize that in another month she won't be here, in the crazy chaos that is our life.

We've cried together, I'm sure we'll cry some more. There will be 4 girls here for the summer, come fall only 3 will remain.

Oh. My. Heart.

You would think it'd be easier. I've seen other people do it, seen them move on like it's just an ordinary day. I don't know how they do that. It wasn't an ordinary day when she was born, it won't be an ordinary day when we leave her in her husband's loving arms. The days that follow won't be ordinary. We'll find a new routine, find a new way of doing things.....yet, my heart will miss her. It misses the other girl when she goes back to college. It's not specific to certain children....my heart longs for them always.

I've come to realize within the last few months that we have a very (apparently) unusual dynamic in our household. We're CLOSE. We love each other well. We know we're blessed with this, to us it IS the normal. Absolutely ordinary. We may have a lot of chaos and a lot of crazy, but it's our chaotic crazy.

And, oh my heart, it's changing. I've begun to wonder what I'm going to do without her laugh, without her sense of humor and (dare I say) without her sassy self. I realized that her last birthday was our last birthday with her...for now. Last Christmas was the last of her childhood.

I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. I KNOW this is normal. But...oh my heart. I know that God has her and him. I know that our relationship isn't ending, it's just beginning and now includes her husband. I love him, too. That doesn't mean it's easy. I have to leave her. And I'm not sure how.

I'm sure God will give me strength. I'm sure when she calls me, I'll put on a happy voice. I'm sure that even when she's crying, I won't be. Not where she can hear. I'm the mom. Strength is supposed to be my thing. Only God given will get me through. His plan is unfolding. No matter how hard, I know it's His.

I was talking to Matty about why this feels so different than when Hillary left. He told me that it's because after Hillary got married, she came here. Because when it's all said and done, she's here...just down the road. It's different than when Emily went to college because she comes home for weekends and school breaks. I know she'll be here. I can withstand the distance knowing that. But guess what...that tall girl won't be coming home for weekends, won't be moving here anytime soon. That's what makes this harder for me, what feels so different.

We are her foundation. We have nurtured, loved, disciplined and grown her. He is her building. He has her future in his heart, he will love and nurture and grow with her. God is her builder. He knit her together, knew her named and chose her since before time. God knows my heart, knows how it sorrows and rejoices all at once.

I don't know what their future looks like. In my mind, they come back here eventually. Just down the road from us, with cute aqua eyed grandchildren. But for now, oh my heart, I will pray. I will be thankful that her husband is a God fearing man who knows she was handpicked by Him to be his wife. I will be grateful that we have phones and computers. I will enjoy the visits. I will wait upon the Lord.

There is one other who is really struggling with this. Her heart is breaking a little at a time. When you're close like they are, you feel it a bit differently. Please pray for her. I hurt when they hurt.

Thank you for letting me unload, I've been doing a lot of that lately.

For all of you just beginning to have children and can't envision this time in your own life: Enjoy the little things. It goes by faster than you want. Have fun...children are an adventure, enjoy the ride!

For all of you who are on the other side: If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Or if you just want to hug me and tell me it's all normal, that's ok too. I think I'll need some of each.