Thursday, January 16, 2014

Possibilities

In the 2 weeks since my first post of the year, things have gotten better. I decided to post my "resolutions". Not really resolutions, because resolutions bring guilt if not accomplished. We will call them......"Possibilities".

My hopes and dreams of possibilities for this year are:

-Love my husband better. Already working on this one. It's not easy, but I am truly pushing forward with it. He can still frustrate me, but I feel as though we're both more honest and exposed with the other.

-Be happy for my children. Disclaimer: I am NOT never happy for them. I am just not always happy that they get to grow up and begin their own lives. That part always makes me sad. I mean, HELLO....we raised them and loved them. In certain cases, someone else has come along to love them. AS sweet as that is, it's sometimes sad. Sigh.

-Walk the dogs more. They need it, I need it...my poor socks need it. And wooden spoons, plastic bowls, etc. need it.

-Be present for my friends. I've been in seclusion for about 3 months. Part of it has been sick kids, sick me, sick Matty. Part of it has been me not wanting to go into the world. To much to explain out there. I'm sorry if I've been withdrawn.

-Be more patient with my family. That is all.

-Go to Texas with Kaily! Ha! That one becomes reality on Wednesday. Unless we die before then. Or Jesus comes back. But...I'm planning on flying out early in the a.m. on Wednesday. See you on the flip side!

-Call my faraway friends. I miss you people!

-Try to be more neutral. I am highly opinionated (really I am!) and I need to remember that I should be patient with those that don't think like me.

-Maybe get 'new' cabinets. Painting is good.

-Be Matty's cheerleader.

-Trust God. This one should be easy. But it's not always.

-Tell others about Him. It's simple.

-Stop taking back the burdens I give up. They're heavy and not worth it! He is more than willing.

-Let God love me.

There are so many more. These are the ones that came first to my mind. As this year unfolds, remember that there are possibilities all around. Remember that God loves you and is for you. Somewhere along the line last year I forgot that. Not always, just sometimes. When it seems darkest, He is there. When it seems hopeless, He is there. When the possibilities seem limited, remember there is always opportunity. Even if it's just to smile at someone, grasp EVERY moment. His grace is sufficient, His love boundless, His way full of promise.

2 weeks ago, I came out of the gate with a very heart wrenching, honest missive. The facts of that haven't changed, but I'm more ready to welcome 2014. It waits to unravel in a marvelous adventure.

Happy New Year, friends. Adventure well!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Unseen

Welcome 2014! Not sure what happened to your predecessor, but I'm happy to see you! 2013 was a hard year. It was a year of "The Unseen".

I left my husband last year.

It started out innocently enough. I got mad over some small thing. A small piece of my heart closed off. Then something else happened and the unseen wall got bigger and stronger. Before I realized it, I had 'left' Matty. We were two people just sharing space. I felt as though I shouldered every emotional boulder that came our way. In reality, I did. He has a tendency to let me take control. And I take it. If someone hands me the reigns, I run with the horse.

My husband left me last year.

I'm sure it started out innocently enough. He would compliment me and I would shrug it off. When I feel bad about myself, nothing anyone says gets through. He no longer felt validated. His unseen barrier grew taller and thicker.

Whether we loved each other or not wasn't the issue. It was whether or not we could find our ways past the things that held us apart. I always love Matty and I believe he always loves me. This unseen sorrow became seen one day early in December. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I know my husband is a good man, a good provider and a good father. He stopped being a good husband. I didn't know how to be a good wife anymore. Or even if I wanted to.

I won't dishonor our marriage by giving intimate details of what happened. I will say that there was no infidelity on either side, no 'other' people. We have taken counsel with our pastor. Things were better....then they got worse.

In this worse, both of us crying, we decided that our marriage was worth it. We never really entertained the idea of it not being worth it. We felt as though if we didn't openly and honestly commit to each other and our marriage, then "The Unseen" would just get bigger, bolder and scarier. Everything was laid out on the table, our hearts exposed, our sorrow palatable.

There are things that will change. Things that have been prayed about and sorrowfully admitted. Things that will make a difference.

Being brutally honest: Our marriage was saved by God. This is the marriage that God has blessed, this is the marriage that God desires to continue. The things we think are "Unseen"....well He sees them all. He allows them to come to light, no matter the sorrow that comes with. God is good, even when the world falls apart. God is great, even when you're so broken you think there is nothing that will help. His presence is a balm to the blistered flesh of my soul. His healing comes in waves, soothing the broken, bitter pieces. He has put us together. Our hearts are knit firmly.

We left each other last year. It was Unseen by the world, but seen by God. It wasn't physical, but emotional. When it seems there is no hope and you're broken into a million pieces, take heart. He sees and will restore what's been harmed. He reminded us that we need to be behind a wall together. That our marriage needs a fence around it to protect it. We need to be tended to...by each other. While I know that we'll probably slip up sometimes, we have both promised to talk first....keep each other in the "loop".

I love my husband. My husband loves me. That was never the problem. Guard your heart, beloved. Don't let the enemy con you into thinking you're safe. You're never safe with out consistent prayer and God's hand in your life....and in your marriage. Don't let the unseen foxes in.

I felt this was the right way to ring in the New Year. Admitting the old one was kind of sucky. God is all about grace, new beginnings and love. Let Him wash over you, let Him be your beginning.

Happy 2014, everyone. Have wonderful adventures!