Annual Christmas Thingy

Dear _________________(fill in the blank),

This past year has flown by! It seems to go faster for every year I get older. Which IS every year, so I guess it evens out! (although....I don't think it's quite fair...)

Along the tradition of a light and airy Christmas letter, I submit this for your approval:

I don't know what to write.

I guess I could tell you about how it's been a roller coaster of a year. Let's start with the girls.

Hillary:
Excelling at being a mom. Reya is excelling at being an only child and being the boss. Jeremy (bless his heart) got Hillary a puppy for her birthday. Lily is quite the....um....let's just go with "Um".
Jeremy is going through the job corps program and Hillary is working part time at Target. I get to watch Reyasunshine. I am quickly teaching her the word "NO". She's a joy!

Emily:
Currently attending U of I for her second year. Dating a nice boy....we'll see how long. Has a pretty good friend at college. Said friend brought her fish home for Thanksgiving. I admire her dedication. Em continues to be an adventure in our lives....how boring life would be without her!

Chellsei:
Currently attending BSU. We are a divided house. (not really) AND...she's DATING! I know, I know! He's a great kid, one we've known for about ever. He really seems to honor her heart. C loves her classes at BSU and has decided to feature ASL prominently in her life, hoping she can use it on the mission field! My only complaint? I can't get a good picture of her and her other! Stay STILL, Chellsei!

Kaily:
A Senior! Holy Cow! We let her attend a "mainstream" high school this year because she has friends there. Currently, she is dating a sweet young man who just left a week ago for Air Force basic training. We're hoping to attend his graduation in January. Her ultimate goal is to attend medical school. We'll see what God's goals are.

Savannah:
Believe it or not, this 'punny' girl just became our 5th TEENAGER. She hit the big 13 in November. You'd think we'd have this all figured out. Nope, not at ALL. She excels in school and continues to be the student every teacher wishes they could clone. She enjoys the small charter school that her and Harley attend. Currently, she is all about the puns. What makes them so funny is her reaction to them! She has an infectious laugh and smile!

Harley:
Our sweet "Little Bit". She is officially a tween. She consistently tells other about God. I hope she never loses that, even if she loses friends. (which she has) She is such a sweet heart and I can't wait to see what God has in store for our girl!

Now, on to us grown ups:

Matty:
Went to school to become a CNA or CAP as they're called now. And he did it! He moved into his new position at the hospital in November. He has better days, better hours and of course, better pay. He seems to really enjoy it! He's good with people. I never could do that, I think I'm too mean!

Me:
Well. I've tried very hard this year to look on the bright side. It hasn't worked. There have been bright spots, but also some down right mucky parts. I'm praying hard to improve that about me. My grandpa passed away in August.....that was hard. Money has been tight, but our needs have been provided for. I just tend to forget. I'm working on my memory. All in all, it's been a good year.

Pets:

Whisper:
Um

Murphy:
Got hurt, nearly died. Better now, but is a grumpy old man dog.

The Others: (you know who you are)

What a blessing to be called Mom by other kids than my own. I've seen them grow up and can only hope that as they continue to get older they still come see me! I hope they remember the fun times here. We were even mentioned in a wedding toast this year....that was exciting! Numerous movie nights, dance parties and late night chats pepper this past year....what a joy!

I hope this letter finds you well. More than that, I hope it finds you in the midst of great adventure. I hope you remember what this season is truly about. Remember that He loves you, His grace is sufficient and He never lets go of your hand. Remember, He is the way , the truth and the life. There is no way but through Him. I may have had a hard time this year, but that's all on me. He is here, with me....holding tight. He loves me much.

Merry Christmas _______________________(fill in the blank) You are much loved by the King of Kings.

Life isn't a Movie? Really?!

Remember all those John Hughes movies of the '80's? Molly Ringwald leading the cast of teen angst? Remember how everything wrapped up nice and tidy at the end? Remember all the amazing, grand things that seemed to happen to her character? Yeah, so do I. As a teen girl, I didn't believe that was reality....but I wanted it to be.

As I've watched our girls' lives unfold, I've come to realize (with the help of a sweet girl) that one of our girls lives in her very own John Hughes movie. It's not her fault, she can't undo the way things unravel. However, it does cause unspoken animosity. Watching her life can lead to questions of one's own worth and value. Like: 'Why doesn't anyone want to love me like that?' or 'It just isn't fair!'. Believe me, as her mom, I am always shaking my head in wonder at the way things go.

There are some girls in my life that are a lot like me. (not totally, thank heavens!) But in a sense of wanting to be loved. And not wanting to wait for God to bring it to them. Goodness knows that I didn't. I wanted to be the lead in my own teen romance movie. I wanted the boy to hold the boombox, sit on a table and eat cake in candle light....to decide I was more important than his friends. Yes, I recognize that one of those is not John Hughes. Not the point. The point is that I wanted that so badly I went out and got it. Guess what?! It didn't turn out how I'd hoped. I didn't get my "happily ever after". I still don't have it....not in the movie sense. I mean, that's just a movie. Real life is much sweeter.

I don't know why some people seem to live the 'fairy tale'. Don't know why some people have to work at it or, even worse, WAIT for it. That's the hardest. The waiting.

There is One who waits. His happy ending is never ending. His love is sufficient and much. Often we overlook Him...He's not tangible and not what we think of when we think of 'true love'. But He is. He is love and He is the one who writes the movie of our lives. We get so impatient and in a hurry. We see other people and wonder what they have that we don't. Here's the secret. NOTHING. They have worries, heart ache, struggles just like you. Our girl who appears to live in a romance movie? Well, I want her to enjoy it. It may not last and how sweet to have such memories. BUT...don't compare yourselves dear ones. You are just as valued as she is. Your Father has a plan for you. Let it unfold.

Remember that life isn't a movie. This is real time. Sometimes entertaining, sometimes frustrating...always a blessing. Enjoy it now and remember to look towards heaven. He hears you, sees you, knows you. Remember you are loved, dearest.

November Rolls In

Hello, November. You've started out cold. You even had snow already. As it is November, I am reminded that it is almost time for my Thankful blog. Then again, why wait?

This year has been a little up and down for me. I have had moments of absolute faith and clarity and moments of absolute insanity. The insanity has often won out over the clarity. So as I look back over this year, things are a bit muddled. As I wrack my brain, I find them....nuggets of thankfulness.

I am thankful for:

-Grandview, Washington. And those that minister there. And that I was part of the ministry team that went this summer. My heart aches for those young ones, their hearts crying to the Lord. He is up to magnificent things there...can't wait to see Him work!
-Late nights with teenagers.
-Finding the hard to find Monster High doll....twice!
-Surprise parties...especially ones our sweet girls planned for me. More teens than grown ups there, but that's okay.
-For neighbors who love my dog.
-That Whisper doesn't jump the fence anymore.
-Reya turned 1! Love that grand girl!
-Growing friendships.
-The simple beauty of a water fountain show. We have our own "mini-vegas" right (almost) next door.
-Once Upon a Time came back. With a spin off. Love it!
-Matt's a CNA! Hooray for Matty! And I love his new schedule!
-Chocolate
-The spider guy
-After halloween sales (fudge making supplies!)
-God...He has had me this year. Without Him, I would've sunk into the pit of muck I continually threw myself into. AKA: Despair
-Girls. Our 6 have shown amazing growth and courage this year.
--Emily @ college
--Kaily finishing high school
--Chellsei starting college and DATING
--Savannah being the student the teacher would like to clone
--Harley telling everyone about God, regardless of where she is
--Hillary growing as a mother
-Always thankful for Fancy Pants...you know who you are. :)
-Church family
-That the dogs haven't died from anything they've chosen to eat. And that in itself is a miraculous feat. They've eaten a lot of BAD things. BAD DOGS!

And now....some things I'm NOT thankful for:

3 years in a row: SPEEDOS! no man should EVER wear them, don't care who he is.
-spiders....EWWWWWWW
-Dogs that eat everything they are NOT supposed to. Annoying!
-A house that doesn't clean itself.
-How the chocolate finds it's way to my hips.
-They cancelled my new show...that was a bummer.


I'm sure there is more, but I'm trying to stay positive here. Since last year, I have struggled to be thankful. Struggled to have faith, struggled with trust. It's been a hard year. And to be honest, I don't know how we'll do Christmas. But I know that through it all, He has been with me. I may have blocked Him, put up a wall and tried to do it myself. (said in my best little girl voice) I've fallen down each time. He has lifted me up, kissed my owies and set me gently down. He loves me. He is for me. Why I try so hard to do things without Him, I have NO clue. Human nature? Probably.

I have more to be thankful for than others. I know that. But sometimes, it doesn't seem like it. So I pick my worry (which is a sin) and carry my giant bag around. Silly me. So I lay it out, here. If you see me worrying, call me out on it. Remind me that He carries me. Cause I forget. And I shouldn't.

What are you thankful for, friends? Remember to be thankful to the One who loves you most. Regardless of how I felt, I knew He loved me. He loves me. He loves you.

No worries, mate. Just let November roll right in.

When "Just Enough" Isn't

I have been going about my life wrong. I've been doing "just enough" to get by. It dawned on me as I did my bible study this morning. I have been feeling such weight, such sorrow over how my life has seemed to fall apart that I forgot one crucial, very important thing: He is for me. And He wants more than my "just enough".

I've been walking through my days with just enough oomph to convince people I'm still human. I've been smiling just enough so that people around me won't realize that I feel broken. Or I've been wanting them to notice I'm broken....and tell me they love me.

I've been praying just enough. Just enough to feel connected, but not enough to be flat on my face. I've been feeling like I'm forgotten. In the midst of walking through this valley, I have been sidetracked by the "flowers" of sorrow. I keep looking at the things I don't have; I should be remembering all that I do have. I should be rejoicing over the fact that we have enough to make ends meet....however much of a gap there appears to be. Instead, I am looking at it all thinking of what it isn't.

It's hard, this whole trying to be "just enough". The reality is...I don't have to be anything. I have One in my life that is everything, and He wants me to remember that. There is nothing that is happening that isn't His. He hasn't left me; just let me wander a bit. I recognize that this is a theme in my blogs. It's because it's TRUE!

It's not enough to slightly do things. It's not enough to live like every day is falling down. It's not enough to 'try'....you have to DO. Believe me, if you're in a hurting place, I've been there. I may not know your specific pain, but I do know sorrow and pain. And, dear one, He does too.

I can't do "just enough" anymore. I want to step out in faith, believing that He will protect and guide me. I can't stop trusting and have to stop taking back my burdens. My study today reminded me that all I have to do is what He wants RIGHT NOW. Not in 10 minutes or in 5 hours....RIGHT NOW. And so I am.

Just enough isn't enough. Don't live like it is.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord; And He delights in his way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; Because the Lord is the One who holds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

To My Boys

A while back, I addressed one of my entries to our girls. And the girls that are in our lives. I decided to turn the tables. You may not know this, but I have a lot of boys in my life as well. Boys that I am blessed to be called mom by. As I sat with one of them today, I realized that he is just as vulnerable as the girls. That made my heart hurt. So here it is...my "Dear John" letter.

Dear Boys,
You are worthy. I sit and I watch you guys interact with our girls and my heart expands. You are young men of character and inner strength. My heart aches at the thought that you may not know you're valuable.

I know the world tells you to hide your emotions, do what feels good and go about your merry way. I am so proud that you have never followed that motto. I am in no way saying you guys are perfect....we all know you're not. (yellow light, anyone?) But you are worthy. You are valuable. Don't worry about what the guy next to you is doing. Pray for him instead. I have known some of you since you were young teens and some are newer to my "mom" club. Some of you have had crushes on our girls, some now have crushes on our girls. I've watched you grow.

My mommy heart gets so full. I am so proud of each of you. No matter what, YOU ARE VALUABLE. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise...not that boy (or group of kids at school), your friends, your 'not' friends....even your (actual) parents. The enemy will tell you that you are not worthy...that you have no value. Don't listen....his job is to steal, kill and destroy.

The world would have you believe that girls are playthings; please remember they are someone's wife. If not yours, someone else's. Respect her....she is someone's daughter and valued. The world would have you think that you shouldn't cry. Cry away boys; it shows you're human. Be human....grow and flourish.

I may not like every decision you make, every life choice or path you choose to follow. But I will always love you. I will always pray for you, I will always look out for your best interest. I will always be your cheerleader.

I need you to KNOW how wonderful you are. God designed you with a purpose and a plan. There is nothing He does not know....He created YOU! He loves you. You are irreplaceable. Not only in the world, but in my life as well.

Boys, you know who you are. Not all of you call me mom, but there is not one I cherish more than another. Every moment is amazing for me. Thank you for allowing me the honor of being in your lives....I have never asked why I didn't have boys, didn't really care. However, now, I believe it was because He knew I would be 'mom' to many. What a blessing you are.

Never forget you are amazing.

Love,

Momma L

The Years the Locusts Ate

As I write this I've just found out that my grandpa probably won't live past this weekend. My heart is full of sorrow. Not just because he's dying but because while he's dying, I am thinking of the years the locusts ate. They are many and now there is no repair time.

When I was a little girl, my grandpa would brush my hair. He would pull it tight into a ponytail. When I was a little girl, my grandpa would pick me up and carry me around. He had a hard time hearing (injury in the Korean war) and I always had to yell at him. Well, speak very, very loudly. My grandparents relocated to Oregon from California when I was about 13/14. When I would fight with Rachel, my grandpa was the voice of sanity. He would go hunting with my dad and they used to play cards with my parents. I remember,long boring nights watching my parents and grandparents play cards. Ugh!

When I moved to Idaho from Arkansas after my first divorce, my parents had moved to Idaho. My grandparents were already here. Relationships continued and the memories are many.

Things changed when I met Matty. He had dated Rachel...my grandparents took exception to anyone (me) cavorting with the enemy (Matty). With sorrow, all relationship ties were severed brutally. For the record, it was not our choice. For 13 years I have had little to no contact with the man that used to love me. My grandparents made a choice. My family and even my parents were on the other side of that choice. The locusts ate well.

Now, he is dying. He doesn't remember who I am. When he was in the hospital a while back, I went to visit him every day. He didn't know me then, but it was wonderful. We chatted, he smiled at me. He loved the day Kaily came. He liked pretty girls. My heart sorrows for the years that we can't retrieve, the years that were eaten so harshly. He never really met Harley....never got to really know Savannah. Out of our girls only Emily and Hillary have true memories. I cry for knowing that even after he's gone, things won't change. The locusts get fat on bitterness.

I know that the Lord has seen this. He knows how things unfolded, indeed He allowed them. He knows the hurt in my heart, knows how I ache to be loved by my grandparents. Please understand that I am skirting the issues with them delicately. There is a lot of history that I have not covered. And will not in honor of my family.

It is the enemy's job to steal, kill and destroy. He has done well with this relationship. I know God promises to give back what the locusts eat, but also a dog will return to it's own vomit. I have no control over my grandma....she is responsible for herself. I will continue to pray. I will allow myself this day to mourn the years that are gone. I will allow this time to wish things were different. I will grieve for the grandpa that brushed my hair and introduced me to Disneyland.

I will let God do the rest. The locust may continue to eat, but I will not let them steal more from me.

His will be done. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

The Silence

It's quiet in my house. The dogs are sleeping and the children are back at school. As I went about my morning, I was hit with the certainty that slowly but surely the girls are growing up. I will be 41 in a month....I am a grandmother. The realization that we have 3 daughters (essentially) out of the house hit me like a piano from the sky. We only have 3 left and one of those is graduating next year. Holy Cow....it's quiet around here!

For over half my life, I have been a mother. My days have been full of ever changing daughters, doctor appointments, crying, laughing and cleaning. Slowly, things began to change. Our pace sped up, girls got older. Before it seemed real, Little Bit started school. Believe it or not, I relished in the silence. I didn't cry when she went to school, I rejoiced.

Every year, when school lets out, I gear up for the summer. Our summers are full of adventure, loud and boisterous teens and lazy days. We go until we can't go anymore. When school starts I am giddy. The house is silent. I cherish and treasure my time with the girls, yet enjoy the time alone. And I think I'm supposed to.

We get the blessing of these children for what seems like eternity. Sometimes, we think those toddler days will never end, that they'll wear diapers forever. We think they'll never grow up to be functioning members of society, that perhaps we'll not let them see their 16th birthday. We think that we want them to stay small forever, to stay young so they never get hurt and we can protect them always. But.....we really don't.

There is such joy in seeing your girl come home from her first day at college glowing, stories of a wonderful day falling off her lips. It's amazing when you see your daughter with her daughter, and then you get to enjoy that baby without all the responsibility. There is bittersweet happy in the "last" firsts. As we get to our 5th 13 year old, we know to pull up our bootstraps....that age is tricky. We find promise in the coming years....when it's just Matty and I. We don't stop trying to protect them, but at some point they will protect us. We never want them to get hurt...sometimes a little hurt grows them. (bubble wrap and the Amish never did materialize)

In the silence, I hear the past. That's a good thing. The best thing is the moving forward, going into tomorrow with boldness. Embrace the quiet, it really doesn't last long.

Shattered

When a glass hits my tile floor, it shatters. If someone were to throw a rock at my window, it would shatter. When someone tells you they can't be in this relationship right now, your heart could shatter. Those shatters hurt the most. It's happened to our girls, it's happened to me. And now, it's happened to someone that isn't mine, but I hurt for.

I don't know what will happen next. Her heart hurts too, but she puts on a pretty face. She pretends everything is okay. I see his confusion, his looks of despair and sorrow. I don't know what God has in play, but it's bigger than the two of them. I do believe that God is moving in a magnificent way in his life. And that will be wonderful to watch. But for now....he is shattered.

When you give someone permission to be themselves, it takes a lot of weight off of them. It allows them to truly show who they are. That is a good thing. There is a lot of growth that needs to take place and both of them need to figure out who they really are....with God, as themselves and then perhaps, as a couple. I don't know.

What I do know is that sometimes, you can fix a shattered piece of glass. You can perhaps turn it into something more beautiful than it was, create something new and different. Sometimes, looking at it a unique way is all it takes. Just because it's shattered, doesn't mean it's broken forever.

God sees the shattered hearts. He sees the tears and the inside feelings that may be hidden. He knows motives and desires and all the things we tuck away inside ourselves. You are not hidden from Him, dear one. You may not understand, but He does. You may feel all shattered and jumbled, but on the other side of this....you'll see the beautiful creation He has waiting. Lean on Him, let Him be your guide to all things.

Through the sadness, there will be joy. Through the uncertainty, there will be steadiness. As you walk around the glass shards of the broken heart, there will be restoration. I promise. Sometimes, He allows us to shatter so we can depend on Him to create something new. Wait for it....it'll be spectacular!

Finding The Other

What is it about finding "The One"? I know I was obsessed with it....looked around, wrote my story, fell into pit and finally found my "other". Other what? 1/2, self.....and on and on. I think girls become more obsessed than boys. And as young ladies, they get hit with an urgency. An urgency to quickly find the other.

We have one girl who really just wants to wait for God. But all around her, friends are pairing up and becoming all relational. I think she's feeling like a lonely fish in a big, huge pond. She KNOWS that God has a story written/yet to write. Sometimes though, it's just hard to be patient. Especially when the billboard doesn't change. She's not seeing any signs, not seeing any BIG movement on the 'fish' front. I try to encourage her....but it's hard when you just feel like you don't fit.

We have another girl that doesn't want to wait. She is constantly going out to find her other. And they come and go. They breeze in and out, her heart worse for the wear. I am always saying that she will have no rest until she is complete with God alone. She shrugs and marches on.

We have the one girl, who appears to have a classic romance, straight out of an '80's movie. But all isn't always well. The communication needs work, the emotions run high. I don't know how things will go with this one, we just wait for God to unfold the pages.

I sit and I watch. I wait for hearts to break and girls to break hearts. I watch the children scurry like ants, struggling to find the other. I watch as people get torn apart by sadness and marriages fall apart by sorrow. I ache in those stories. I watch the ones who should be together wait for God to move and wonder if in fact, He's waiting for them to do the moving. I watch the ones who shouldn't be together force themselves to fit in the same puzzle. And I watch the ones who God waits for....to see if they'll climb up out of the pit.

I get it. The urgency, the desire to be loved and the desire to know the search is over. The truth is, some of the matches won't last. Some of them are meant to be later, meant to not be at all. Sometimes, the other isn't the right one. We fit people into our box, desire them to love us and convince ourselves that it must be God's will. And sometimes, we ignore the opportunity when in fact God's will is to continue forward. It's hard, this being human. Good thing we're not long for this world! But that is another blog.

There is One that should never be an 'other'. He is the King, the Lord of Lords. He is the one who designed each one, designed each heart and each 'other'. We need to trust that He's got this. Even if finding the other takes a long time....that too is His. Don't rush it, breathe, enjoy this life and keep moving. Don't get stuck, waiting. His plan will unfold....it's just harder when all you're doing is watching the paint dry.

Be brave, be bold and go forward. His plan is divine!

In LaLa Land

Once upon a time, a little girl had a dream. She dreamed that her prince would come one day. He would be tall, handsome and would give her everything she ever wanted. Her children would be born with nary a squall and they would be darling little angels. Hmmmmm. Well.

So, he didn't ride a horse. And while he is handsome, he isn't super tall. He tries to give me everything I want....even some things he wishes I want. Like a tool set. The children were all born squalling and as for the angel part, well those are saved for heaven.

It's so far from the fairytale dream that I (and all little girls)dreamt of. The movies show it so well. Funny thing about the fairytale, they never actually go into the ever after part. I'm quite sure those princesses (you know who they are) got quite irritated when that prince charming showed up late for dinner....with COMPANY. And I'm sure she wasn't always put together and perhaps she even watched her husband eat and wondered how on earth she could've thought he was so darn charming?! And although they don't go into the children aspect, I'm sure those kiddos were naughty a time or two.

The fairytale part is easy. It's falling in love and butterflies and talking of shared dreams. It's stolen kisses and snuggles late at night. It's a dozen roses and remembering down to the moment the important things. I think more time should be spent on the ever after.

It's not always pretty here in the ever after. It's fighting, making up, watching that one movie one more time.....even though you hate it. It's trying to figure out how you're going to pay for things, how to be in his company. It's laughing and crying. It's pulling together and making things work even when you're not quite sure you even like the guy anymore. It's choosing to love him....every day. It's him sleeping on the couch because he knows I can't sleep with him snoring like that, it's me kicking him trying to get him to stop said snoring. It's rejoicing over the first grandchild and cheering as another girl graduates. It's him buying me a tea just because.

The ever after is a place after the fairytale. Sometimes it's dark and dreary and sometimes it's lovely and a party. We're still in love and I still get butterflies. We still have shared dreams and have seen some of those come true. Sometimes the kisses aren't so much stolen as a misstep as we're drifting off to sleep and the snuggles typically last only a minute. If there's money for roses, there's something to be paid and remembering the little important things is a distant memory. But....that's all ok.

Here's the deal: You can live in LaLa land and be surprised when it all goes haywire. Or you can realize that you're marrying an actual person. A real live prince who won't always be princely. Let things change, let the fairytale go.

The reality is so much better.

Very Confuzzling

I am confuzzled. Not sure what to write tonight. I have so much on my heart.

Such as: that girls German is here. In a month, they'll be saying goodbye. Again. And she'll be a mess until he's gone for a bit. All will be good until he comes back. Sigh, a heart wrenching circle to be sure.

Such as: Girls headed off to college. TWO of them. One a "veteran" college girl, one a newbie.

Such as: Matty's CNA school/job. Such a good thing, but still......

Such as: Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are all right around the corner.

Such as: Feeling not quite all together.

I was reading my friends blog (you know who you are) and she is having this deep, philosophical discussion about homosexuality and recent events. I am astounded at the way she is handling it. I'm not sure I would be quite the same. She is being very grown up with it all....not sure if I would show the same maturity.

We get to where we believe what we believe. And that's that. We lose sight of the why's and simply stamp our feet and go from there. They should just follow. Why?? Because we say so?? It's like our girl with the German boyfriend....she kinda, sorta expects him to be American. And no matter how frustrated she gets, he doesn't suddenly become American. Go figure. She's trying to be patient, but she's young. It'll come.

We set things up in our heads and they make perfect sense. Most of the time, I don't understand why the person I'm talking to doesn't get it. I mean, if I think it....that should be all they need, right??! WRONG! I need to remember that not only can people NOT read my mind, they also don't have to agree with me. I know that's a strange concept.

My mind and heart are so full, I just can't put it all down. I'm thinking alot, trying to figure out where I need to be and what I need to change. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and still strong. Trying to figure out how to do all that needs to be done. Trying to figure out how to not be confuzzled.

I love the Lord, He is the director of my life. He is the author of all things, the King of kings. I know that He sees me, know that He loves me. I also know that He's letting me puzzle through my confuzzlement. That's the hard part.

Hey, friend. Go, Fight, Win. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you much!

Winds of Change

The wind is blowing. It's blowing right through my life, shaking things up. Seems like money gets better, then suddenly it's gone. Seems like the kids do well, then suddenly there's a crisis. The winds of change aren't always welcome in my house. I tend to batten down the hatches, gather my chicks and pray that nothing changes at all. I want it all to stay the way it is now. Even with no money and with the girl troubles.

Guess What??! Change happens without my permission. Emily will head back to college, Chellsei will go to college for her freshmen year (ACK!...someone hug me!)and Savannah will be an official middle schooler. 13 is right around the corner for her. Harley hits tween age and Hillary continues to mother Reya and Reya continues to grow. Kaily, (sigh) will study for her SAT's and apply to college for the 14/15 school year. Medical school, folks. Our girl wants to be a surgeon.

Often, when the winds blow, we get scared. We like our rabbit hole. We like our comfort zones and our safety nets. We like to think that the way things are is the way things will be. We make plans and expect to follow them through. But the truth is, there is no plan that truly is our own. And sometimes, He likes to have the wind blow a smidge harder.

My mommy heart is aching. 2 girls moving on, a 3rd getting ready to in a year. My grandma heart rejoices in our grandgirl, yet I know her mommy's heart sorrows every day she gets older. Watching Reya, I don't have the same "please don't change" moments. Every day is a joy to see her grow. But with our own girls....PUH-LEASE....don't let that wind blow through my life! I haven't yet been successful in slowing time down, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

It's funny that it bothers me so much. I am constantly changing my house. There are days Matty comes home and looks around and says "Oh. You rearranged. Again.". Yes, I do it a lot. I also like to paint. (okay, Matty paints, I watch) I'm not against change, I'm just against the change happening with my family life. And therein lies the problem.

I. Am. NOT. In. Charge.

That phrase deserved it's own paragraph. Those winds are going to keep blowing, the change is going to keep happening and my life will get richer and fuller because of it. I need to remember that just because the girls are doing what God intends, (or not, depending on the girl)it doesn't mean that my life is losing anything. In most cases, I'll gain something. Even if it's just experience in a situation.

He IS in charge. His plan is perfect and unfolding in His time. I don't have to like how things change. Don't have to even agree with it. But I do need to trust in Him...and believe that all things will work according to His will. His word says that if He is for us, then who could stand against? More true words were never spoken.

As I finish up, I leave you with these words:
A BEAR ALMOST ATE SAVANNAH. (dumb wind)

In The Beginning

Chatting with an old friend the other night over Facebook, I asked if I had always wanted, or talked about wanting, children. The answer was yes. Looking back, I realize that's very true. The little bits and pieces of my life that I do remember all involve wanting to be a mommy. Maybe it's because I wanted to be loved and I thought that a child would love me all the time. (Um, that is true....BUT there are times they don't act like it!) I'm not saying my parents didn't love me or that God didn't love me. I just didn't grasp what that love was all about.

In the beginning, there was me. I was a pretty girl. I liked the boys and boy did they like me. I was the girl I warn our girls not to be. Getting pregnant at 16, I felt fulfilled. When she was born, I was young and scared. At 17, I was ill prepared to be a mother. When I had the 2nd girl at 20 (almost 21), I wasn't any more prepared....just not as young. Still scared. There is something scary about getting handed a baby and all of a sudden you realize that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. All decisions that are made, all choices, all STUFF....it's all on YOU. ARGH!

Girls 3 and 4 were born within 17 months of each other. Apparently I wasn't feeling loved enough. Actually, having children was the only way I felt complete. I still hadn't quite grasped the whole being loved by God thing. I knew God, trusted God, WAS God's....but didn't allow that to permeate my being. (psssttt....here's a little secret: He created each daughter, so before you start thinking that there were ways to prevent those pregnancies know that in the beginning, He planned on creating them) He was so gracious to me, all these girls.

When I met Matty, I told him that I came with 4 children and I would give him 2. Of course they were girls. That's okay with me, though. Didn't know what I would do with a boy anyways! By the time the Little Bit was born, I wasn't scared. There was that momentary UM when they handed her to me and I once again realized that here was another tiny human that I would have to do right by. And despite our rocky beginning, Matty and I were very settled. I had, sometime during my "living in the pit" time, fully grasped who I was in Christ. I had allowed myself to be bathed in His love and His grace. I had reached and His hand had pulled me up and out. I was forgiven.

I realize that I was looking for His love in our children's faces. In boys' faces. I was trying to fill a hole with temporary things. Because, folks, even your children are temporary. At a certain point, you really AREN'T responsible for what they say and do. They grow up and do things on their own. They learn and love and cry and make mistakes. And I can tell and warn our girls not to be like I was because I realize it wasn't who God created me to be. In the beginning, He knew my name. He also knew the way I would travel and the choices I would make. He also, I reiterate, knew that each girl was going to be born. In fact, He chose their names as well. They were meant to be here, meant to be ours and meant to be loved. But they were never meant to be EVERYTHING, the end all, be all. He is.

God planted a desire in my heart for children. He knew what would unfold. When I began trying to write my own story, He nudged and loved and even sorrowed me. When I catch glimpses of my past, it always involves wanting children. Sometimes, I'm not sure why He thought I would be a good mother.....however, in His way, He blessed me with amazing children. His love allows me to love them better.....allows me to give grace. I am His beloved.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1

With One Eye Covered

Whew! I had a heck of a week! During that week, I read another blog that struck a chord in me. And I realized....I'm looking at the world with one eye covered. This other blog got me thinking about what my children see when they see me. The blog was from a daughter to a mother. I thought I'd hit the same subject as a mother to a daughter.

Dear girls,
Please remember that you are beautiful. Please remember that no matter how your body may change, you are beautiful. I know I complain about my figure, know that I talk about how my dream is to be "tall, thin and blonde". But the truth is, I won't ever be that. And I need to remember that my words have an impact on you. I see it after I've had an exceptional rant. I see you glance in the mirror, perhaps thinking that if there is something wrong with my figure, there MUST be something wrong with yours. I see you quickly look over yourself, your gaze landing on your thighs. You push on them and grimace and I realize.....I do that all the time.
With one eye covered, I believe I can complain about myself and expect that it won't effect you. I expect that because you are young and beautifully built, you won't take my words and make them yours. I don't comprehend that to you, I am beautiful. You tell me all the time...and I scoff. Your dad tells me and I sigh, feeling he can't possibly mean it. And all this, you see.
The world gives you an image to behold, a model of how you should look and dress. The world teaches that you must be thin to be beautiful. And with one eye covered, it does seem like that is right. But, girls, it isn't. You, just as you are, are BEAUTIFUL. Your body will change, you will gain weight and lose weight. You will have children and your body will stretch in ways you never knew it could. You will gain weight in places you want it AND in places you don't. Through all this, YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
The world will continue to tell you that you are not built right, it will tell you that you aren't perfect. It will be lying.
I won't always have this mindset. This is my growth mindset. I will probably slip right back into my complain mode tomorrow. However, I will try to remember that you are listening. You are watching and learning. I don't want the seeds of self recrimination to take root in your mind. Don't want my image issues to become your reality. I love you so much and when I look at you, I am so proud to be your mother. I am so proud of the women you are becoming.
I will uncover my eye and truly look at the things around me. I will be cautious with my words and actions and I will claim beauty more often. I will remember that every mark and stretch on my body has been because I carried you beneath my heart. I will remember that your dad means it. I will remember that I am made in His image, as are you. He has created good things, so by deduction...I am good. ALL of me is good. And all of you is good. Good and beautiful.
Remember this when you have daughters. Remember that they love you, that to them you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Remember that you are always amazing to those little eyes. Remember they hear you.
Uncover your eyes, dear ones. Hold tight and never let go. Remember YOU are beautiful. But mostly, remember you are the daughter of the most High King.

Love,

mom

This One

This One is a little different. This One, I'm going to talk about being a mom.

First, it's hard. When you're expecting, no one tells you how hard it's going to be. No one tells you that labor hurts and that when your sweet angel is 2, you will be in a state of constant motion. You will wash her face multiple times a day, pull things out of her ears, wipe her little fanny and pray for a moment of quiet. When she's 5, you'll be sad as she goes to school....then secretly dance around the living room, enjoying the brief time of alone-ness. When she's 10, you will be befuddled by her erratic behavior. Your sweet, unassuming girl has just become a crier, a yeller and a stomper. When she's 16, your heart will break when hers does. You will threaten to hurt that boy and you will cry with her and for her. You will yell at her as she yells at you. When she's 18 and graduating high school, you'll realize that although you knew this day would come, you never really thought it would. And then.....it just moves on from there.

Second, it's amazing. When your angel is 2, the whole world is new. Everything is worthy of inspection, every word a delight. You won't want to stop moving....or sleep. You might miss something. When she is 5, you will cry as she rides the bus for the first time, you will love the art she brings home....the way she looks at you as she discovers something new. When she is 10, your heart will break a little as you realize she's becoming a woman....and you'll celebrate with her. You'll enjoy this new girl, the one who looks at you as though you actually KNOW something. When she's 16, she'll cling to you a little more, and she'll realize that your hugs are the best. She'll laugh when you threaten that boy and she will know you mean it. At 18, she's technically a grown up. She carries herself with pride, knows the Lord and has grown so very much. Your heart will burst with pride.

Third, being a mom doesn't mean a child born of your body. There are so many women in our girls' lives that "mother" them...ie: LOVE them. And there are so many kids that call me mom....and I love each of them immensely. I don't know what my life would be without these teens. Good golly! One of them is a BOY! What a blessing he is in my life! And I didn't have to worry about any of his 'parts'....he came to me (almost) fully grown!

Being a mother is hard, it's work. Sometimes, I don't want the job. Sometimes, I want to run away, have a major melt down and just quit my life. Sometimes, I can't handle the eye rolling, angry word saying, stomping, door slamming girls. Sometimes, I look at God and ask Him why he thought I would be a good mom. And then He shows me.

I really wouldn't have it any other way. Can NOT imagine my life without these 6 daughters (and all the others I get the privilege of knowing) and all the moments that make me a mom. Without the pain, the tears or the sorrows.....it wouldn't be the same. All these things, the bad along with the good, are what make motherhood worth doing. It's all a learning experience....and I love it. I would go through every hour of hard labor again....for these same results. It's not always a picnic, and sometimes the bad things are REALLY bad...but God is good. All the time.

This One.....is good. Enjoy the mother moments, the not so great moments and the fun, fabulous moments. Remember to breathe, to hold tight to His hand and to remember that YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER. He believes it....so should you.

ps....the moving on? Well, I am a grandma. That moment your daughter has a child.....AMAZING.

Snug Fit

There is a movie about a people group called 'Wemmicks'. It's a sweet tale about God and His love. In this particular movie about these peoples, the 'Wemmicks' have begun wearing green dots and gold stars. Your popularity and "fitting-ness" is determined by the type of stickers you have and how many. The hero of this tale is concerned because he doesn't have enough stickers of a specific kind. His whole life is on hold, his worth set by by others. Then along comes a girl. She has no stickers and when others try to put them on her, they fall off. Our hero asks her why she doesn't have any stickers and she tells him that she doesn't need them. Her worth and value are set by the Creator. And He loves her as she is.

I want to be that non sticker girl. I want to know ALL the time that I am His beloved. I often forget. I stand back and wait for others to talk to me, wait for others to notice me. And when they don't, I convince myself that there is something wrong with me. In short, I don't have enough stickers.

In truth, I hide myself. I hang back, watching to see my opening, my chance. I want to fit and fit snugly. Sometimes, I get so scared, I can't do anything. And then, my worst fears are realized. No one talks to me, no one invites me to sit with them, no one notices if I'm missing. This adds a sticker to my face, covering me in sorrow and silent pain. Of course, it's a green dot. The worst kind. You only get gold stars when you're the OTHER kind of person. And so, in search of a gold star sticker I go. I integrate myself into conversation, try so hard to be outgoing. Inside I am cringing, silently asking them to like me. But there are no gold stars forthcoming. And I am left to wonder what's wrong with me.

Guess what.....there is nothing wrong with me. I may not have the most tact, may not have the best stories, may not fit super snug. But I fit with Him. He created me. I don't have any stickers because I don't need them. I need to pick myself up by my boot straps, realize that to some history represents relationship and move on. I need to remember that He puts specific people in my life, people to love me. And, you anonymous reader, need to remember that it doesn't cost you anything to talk to someone else. That you should step outside your snug fitting space and invite someone to sit with you. Let them know you see them. We talk a lot about serving others, but if we forget that those around us need our 'service' (ie: relationship) then our service is for naught. If we consistently go around adding stickers to our faces, we lose sight of the truth: The Creator didn't create us with green dots or gold stars. He created us in His image and He doesn't want any of us to be lonely or sad. He calls us to love each other. That doesn't mean we have to all be friends, but it doesn't hurt us to stretch a bit....grow and hope all the stickers fall off.

I want to fit where the world things I should. Snug and tight. But here's the deal: I don't. The stickers don't stick because I am His beloved. I am His creation. He sees me in my silent wishing. He sees my tears and knows the pain in my heart. Better than that, He picks me up...dusts me off....peels off the green dots and holds me tight. I may not fit into this world the way the world thinks I should...I fit tight in His arms, though. I fit right in the "Erin" shaped hole in this world, quirky, opinionated and fun. A little emotional (a lot), a smidge loud and very much a girl. I will remember to talk to someone, invite them into my world. I will remember that just because they don't think like I do, they are valued in His eyes. I will remember the time I so desperately wanted to fit and cried when I didn't. I will remember I am stickerless because that's how He made me.

I am His, beloved and whole. Created and blessed. I am a snug fit.

Behind the Curtain

Behind the curtain is a man pretending to be a wizard. We are meant to pay no attention to him, to ignore his existence and pretend that the wishes are really being granted. Reality check: wishes aren't being granted and the man is just a man.

Behind the curtain of our children is a secret world. They do things we don't know about, keep secrets and make choices we find out about later. They justify what they do based on how they feel, decide to go along with something just because they want to be loved or recognized. They so desire to be accepted they allow things they would've scoffed at earlier. I was one of those children, seeking acceptance any way I could. Seeking love from boys too young to give it, seeking confirmation of my beauty. As I grew up, I swore I wouldn't be one the moms to turn aside, to believe that just because I told them no meant they would listen. I was going to push the curtain aside....I was going to be open and honest.

And I have been. I've been open, honest and involved. Perhaps too involved sometimes. Perhaps so involved that I push friends out of their lives. Perhaps I meddle too much, try to mother the world and their friends too much. Perhaps, in wanting their lives to be different, I've created something worse. I don't know. I don't believe in privacy in our house. I read texts if phones are laying around, notes found on the floor. And believe you me, it's served me well. I have found things out that I may not WANT to know, but in the grand scheme needed to know. In some cases the curtain was ripped right off the rod.

In the grand scheme of things, in this great big world, we have really good girls. They dress modestly, they hold themselves to a high standard, they don't do drugs or drink. And when they slip, they tell on themselves and we talk about it. I may bluster and be really, really mad but in the end, we talk and we cry and we still love eachother. I always felt like I couldn't make a mistake when I was younger, felt I had to be just so in order to be loved. I never felt loved enough. I wanted our girls to know they are loved, so perhaps I went/go overboard on the open/honest thing.


I never mean offense to the young ones in my life...I just want each one to know how valued and treasured they each are. (not just our girls) Our children are by no means perfect. They do mess up...sometimes often. They have issues and struggles and sometimes do NOT seem to think AT ALL. Sometimes, they seem to have lost all common sense. It just goes....flllllllllllp out of their minds. But when that happens, I try to remind them that they are more than the mistakes they make. I don't want them to get stuck....the mud and muck is sometimes hard to get out of. I want them to glide across the mud pit like it's ice.

The girls have said that they like us being involved in their lives. Said they prefer that over the alternative. And when I get worried that it's just too much, they say that perhaps "those" friends weren't really their friends to begin with. I have to remember that there is One who is just as involved. One that loves them more than I, One that sees behind the curtain without having to pull it back. He isn't a wizard, doesn't grant wishes and doesn't pretend to be something other than the great I Am. I can rest knowing that I am doing my best to raise up and teach these girls to stand for themselves, to respect themselves, to honor themselves and know that they are worth more than the world tells them. That they are more than the sum of what society says is beauty, more than what the world would try to convince them they are.

They are His. The curtain is torn.

The Everyday Broken

I'm broken. Like Humpty Dumpty. It seems like everything keeps falling down around me, and somewhere along the way I fell too.

Lately I can't do anything right. Not with my kids, my husband, not even with my dog. I cry all the time. My kids tell me how much I do wrong. My husband is just plain busy. My dog is....well, he's just having one thing after another. One girl is trying desperately to go to college. Her financial aid isn't enough to send her. That makes me cry. I hate to think of the girls being sad/disappointed etc. I feel.....all.....shattered.

The everyday broken. I know that's not who I am or who I will always be. It's a moment in time and I just FEEL like I can't breathe, can't function. I thought last year was bad, but at least last year we had some monies to fall back on. Now it's just paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth. And believe it or not, everything costs monies! Especially a dog who is having one issue after another.

I see broken people all the time. Their eyes are sad, their smiles pretend. I can see their hurting hearts, the sadness that threatens to overwhelm. They answer questions with small answers, real words hiding in their hearts. They hold their sorrow close, hidden from us in the human realm. I know this because I do it too. I wonder when things will change. I pray daily for the Lord to help me with my trust issues, with my picking up my baggage and trying to carry it alone. I lay it all at His feet, then yank it back and cry some more.

What. The. Heck?! Why on earth would I carry those bags when God wants to do it for me? He'll let me pick them up, carry them and stumble under them. Because I am stubborn enough to do it! Reality is: He wants to carry those bags, more than that....He wants to carry me! And I should let Him. Duh!

I may be broken like Humpty Dumpty, but unlike him I'm not wanting the Kings horses and Kings men to put me back together. I'm trusting the King Himself to do it.


It's possible to be everyday broken....without being broken everyday.

Smoke and Mirrors

I think there is a desire by all women to know they are beautiful. As I stalked Facebook last night, I noticed multiple pictures of grown women pursing their lips into the camera, flirtatiously eyeing whoever might stumble upon them. In comparison, most of the teen girls I know have sweet pictures of themselves and their awkward prom dates. Both beautiful....however, I think one set feels as though they have something to prove.

I know. I've belonged to the 'come hither' group. There is one picture I had up once that my mom said should be reserved for my hubby only. It wasn't inappropriate, it was just the look on my face. It's a darn good picture and honestly, the Little Bit took it. It was totally unintentional. But when I posted it, I admit, I was hoping for likes and perhaps even some comments on my perceived beauty.

As I see these women's photos, I know they're hoping for some "Dang, girl...you look GOOD!" comments. And they get some. But...isn't it all smoke and mirrors? I'm quite sure they don't ALWAYS look like that. I know I don't always look like the completely put together gal you all know me to be. (hahahahhahahhaha) Now, before you get all up on your high hippity horse, please know that I am not saying it's not a good thing to put your best self forward. We all do it. But what I am saying is that, for myself, I need to remember that I don't need a gold star to look good to God. He sees past the smoke, past the mirror and into my heart.

When my goal is to catch some sweet, honeyed phrases...I kind of feel like a hussy. Every woman (even you/your wife/girlfriend/mother etc) has a desire to know that what caught her man is still what keeps her man. They desire to know they are beautiful even though they wear the badge of motherhood. They desire to know they're lovely even when they don't do their hair at 5 a.m. so you won't see them undone. They desire to know that when their make up hasn't been washed off and they're wearing sweats and a t-shirt with holes in it, you still love them. So they put up a great photo, revel in the compliments and remember that they are BEAUTIFUL. But here's the secret: You/I am always beautiful to the Creator. He sees us with the dirty shirts, dirty hair, kids hanging off our hip. He sees us crying when we're overwhelmed and laughing crazy like when things seem to be going upside down. To Him, I am beautiful. To Him, I have the grace of a ballet dancer, the beauty of the ocean. He doesn't need me to prove it by posting a picture of me looking like I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm 40.

Having 6 very different daughters (in looks and stature), I have consistently tried to remind them that they are all wonderfully made, beautiful inside and out. When do we forget that? I say, DON'T. Hold onto the fact that YOU were created in His image. Created just the way you are. Perhaps you've gained weight, gotten thinner, gotten older, changed your hair...whatever. He sees you. He loves you. He created you. He thinks you're beautiful.


I know guys probably feel some of these ways to, but in case you haven't noticed...I'm a GIRL. I can only speak from my side of the gender.

The Honor System

Having 6 daughters, we have had all sorts of thoughts on dating. All sorts of thoughts on (ahem) sex and marriage and such. Our thoughts are simple: honor our daughters and don't ask them for sex if you're not married to them. We know that it is a big temptation, a wildfire waiting to happen. We consistently tell the girls that inside/outside marriage, the physical feeling is the same. However, the emotional isn't. We encourage them having a 'plan' and then having a 'plan' to escape their plan. We allow dating, but we are VERY involved. We don't really allow one on one, but that is a case by case basis. We LOVE the colt girls boyfriend....he lives in GERMANY!

The reality is that sex is all around us. The t.v. shows, the music even the ads we see in the mall. Our young are encouraged to do what makes them feel good. I know I did what I wanted to do. I had no honor system for myself. And that is the key. Not only do these young men that come into our lives need to honor our girls, but our girls need to honor THEMSELVES! We have told them they are valuable, they are worthy and they deserve the very best. And when they don't seem to believe it and make choices that are contrary, my heart breaks.

Listen up....just because you're raised in a Christian home, with Christian parents and go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that you are not prey to the temptation of the flesh. You tell yourself or your kids that lie and you are just walking off a cliff. We often tell young people to "wait...because the bible says so". Ok...AND??? There is so much more to it than just that! Yes, God did say to save sex for marriage. Yes, that is what we tell our girls. However, we do elaborate. A girls emotions are so valid and so wrapped up in the pitter pats and the butterflies. They get a boost out of someone wanting them....all of them. And once they get past that initial 'I really shouldn't', it's a whole lot easier to just keep going.

Friends tell them it's ok, perhaps a favorite aunt or a trusted adult says it's alright. Our schools teach safety over abstinence. Like a wildfire, things get out of control so quickly. You get consumed. And once a relationship ends, it's easier to allow the fire with the next person. And before you think it won't happen in your family or with your kiddo, remember that the enemy is the father of lies. Like in the garden, he convinces the young ones to wallow in the pit and eat with the pigs. Not a pleasant place to be.

My goal with this entry is not to discourage, but to encourage. Maybe you come from a background where talking about sex is shameful or come from a home where your mom (HI girls!) is very open and honest. Maybe you lived a wildfire life, maybe your were blessed to heed the words of the Lord and waited. Either way, your story is so important to your children. They need to know that what they're going through isn't new, that someone has survived it. They need to know that they deserve to be honored in the best way. They need to know that God loves them the most, and know that they are so precious and important.

Please don't misunderstand....I'm not saying you don't already do that. I have just seen so much sorrow in girls in my life, girls in this world, girls I don't know. I've seen boys torn up over taking someone's future wife, seen the knowledge that what happened goes with them into their future. I've seen life created when unintended, I've seen life ended when inconvenient. The honor system is so much more than just spoken words. It's actions that back up the words. Also, I think that any MAN worth his salt will honor what we hope for our girls. We sit down with each boy our daughters date and tell them exactly what we hope/wish/dream for our girl. After that, it is up to him/them. We pray, we teach, we validate. Reality is: they have to grasp it, hold it and own it. They have to honor it.

Nothing is unforgivable....God is in the business of grace. Don't think that just because you/they choose a pit for a bit that you are beyond His grace. The grand thing is that He will reach right into the pit of mud, past the pigs, and grab you/them up and hug you/them. Without you being clean first. That is just the way He works. He did it for me, He does it for me. He is for me, who could stand against??

More than that, He honors you. He honors them. He is for you.

The Earthquake

It starts out innocently enough: I ask one of the girls why they aren't wearing contacts/makeup/etc or why they haven't done their hair. They hear "You're not good enough." That leads to a rumble. In their response, they flip a little attitude, I get a little angry at that attitude. The rumble gets louder, the earth starts to shift. Before too much time has passed, it's a yelling match. She's pretty sure I'm saying she's not good enough, I'm really saying that her confidence level goes up by 75% when her hair and makeup is done. A full blown earthquake ensues. The world crashes down around me/us.

I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!

It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.

I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.

I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.

Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.

So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.

Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.

The Expiration Date (HA!)

Just today, I watched a video that a friend of mine made. (TheRedheadMusic.com) After his initial greeting and antics, he got down to what the video was about. Death. And where he's going after he dies, and why he doesn't worry about his expiration date. That got me thinking.

Years ago, as a young teen, I would ask God to please not come back until I had children. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Having children was the most important thing to me. I was afraid that God would come or take me before I really got to be loved. (Amazing...His love truly is ALL I need! He loves me unconditionally and without pause! I know that now!)

After having a child, my pleas became "Please, let me see her grow up." After having more children, I would sit up late at night, crying. My heart ached, thinking of losing a daughter or them losing me. I would sit and watch whichever baby was sleeping soundly and beg God to "Please, don't let me die before they're grown." I had visions of them wandering the house, searching for me and me no where to be found. My mommy heart grieved in sorrow with these horrible scenarios. I wasn't worried about where I or they would go, I was worried about my life without them or their life without me. I didn't want to expire!

Once, when Colt girl was about 2, God showed me that I was getting to see them grow up. Every day they grew. Every day those marvelous girls changed. Every day I saw something new. And with Colt girl being my youngest at the time, somethings were the "last first time". (get it?) I had peace, for the first time. God knew something though. He knew that grace girl and bonus would come along before too long. The year following grace girls birth....9/11 happened. My fears of death and war and sorrow whapped me upside the head. I was terrified again. The enemy grabbed a hold of my mind, my heart and yanked me around. God reminded me that He alone is sovereign.

Sometimes, fear will grip my heart. What if they really didn't become saved? What if they don't really understand? WHAT IF THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM?! His presence comes around me, His hand holding mine. Like always, with all things concerning me/the girls/Matty, He reminds me that He's got this. He alone knows their hearts. He alone has a plan. He alone sees the entire film strip, including anyone's expiration dates.

Within the past few years, as the girls have gotten older, my prayers have turned to grandchildren. No longer do I ask Him not to come, but I ask Him that I will be allowed to have grandchildren to snuggle. And I do! I have one sweet grand girl that I get to cuddle and love on and spoil rotten. Her mother worries about the end of things, I can tell. She worries that she won't get to see this little Reyasunshine grow up. I don't know how things will go down and sometimes, I still get frightened by the end of things, the BIG expiration date. I think that's only human. But the truth is, I am His. I know I am a sinner, know that I can not DO anything to be saved and enter into His presence. He saved ME! I know that He died on the cross, took my sin (and the worlds) and rose again on the 3rd day after His death. I believe. So, because of that, I KNOW I get to praise and worship Him after my expiring. How about you?

I have gotten to have children (check), see them grow up (check), see my grand girl (check) and be loved by an amazing man. That was a bonus. I don't really have a "bucket list". If I did, those things were on it. What a joy to have experienced so much. Do I want to expire? No, not really. Not yet. I have 5 other daughters to marry off, and other grandbabies to meet. But....His plan is His and He alone knows it. I'm going to enjoy this time, enjoy this moment and grow up a little bit more.


On my not "bucket list": going to Disneyland next year! Yippee!!

"....that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved..." romans 10:9
That's all folks....

The Momma Bear

Yup, that's me. The Momma Bear. And let me tell you something, don't mess with my cubs.

Recently, a certain someone has resurfaced in our lives. This someone had a non relationship with one of our cubs. He strung her a long the "I like you path" for a good long while. Finally, the string was broken and they really went their separate ways. Cut to a year later. He's back, emotions in overdrive. And of course, looking at our girl like he always did. Our girl is flattered. Who wouldn't be?? But, as per usual, a few texting days later....someone has left the building. She doesn't get it. She didn't ask him to come back around, didn't ask him to confess what feelings he has. She certainly didn't ask him to cause upheaval in her life. She's just calmly building her life, waiting for God's direction.

And this, dear readers, is what make this Momma Bear mad. I know that boys eventually outgrow stupidity. I know that girls have just as much growth going on, but somehow we seem to have it much more together quicker! I've seen my fair share of this with our girls. Boys that come around, then change their minds. Boys that profess 'love' then 2 weeks later forget. Golly, one boy professed love then broke up with our girl the same day. I know that life is confusing and emotions lie. BUT don't drag our girl into the bramble bush.

Funny, once I was the 'boy'. I would drag unsuspecting boys around on a leash, then cut them loose with no explanation. It looks so much different as the Momma Bear. I'm the one that sees the hurt in their eyes, wipes their tears and hugs them tight. I'm the one that gets angry on their behalf when they're confused as to what the heck just happened. I'm the one that desires to just kick those boys in the fannies and yell at them to wake up. They're going to miss the best things that ever could happen to them.

This boy cub, he's emotionally hurting. His life changed rather rapidly. And while I have sympathy for that, I will not tolerate him causing hurt and confusion in our girl. (AGAIN) She will be his "What If". If they never get it together, he will always wonder what might've happened. And I am sorry for him, and whoever his future wife may be. Our cub will be okay. As I said before, she's waiting for God. Sometimes impatiently, but waiting none the less. I know He will honor her heart with a mate that will love Him first, her second. They will serve Him with their lives. She deserves that and so much more. She deserves the man God created for her....the waiting may be tough, but in the end it will be worth it.

Yes, I love our girls. No, I don't think they're perfect. But I do believe that God honors heart felt pleas. I believe that God loves them more than I. I believe that God allows for second chances and if the ONE by chance makes a different decision then He has another. I believe that some of our girls will wait and others will hurry along to write their own ending. All in all, it's Him. No matter what we try to write, He always finishes the story differently than we expect. And I love that.

Boy Cubs: If you want to love one of ours, be honest about it. Stop waiting for the BIG SIGN....sometimes, it's the small ones that are meant to get your attention. Don't focus on the what ifs, go for the right nows. Otherwise, back off. This Momma Bear bites. :)

Those Magic Moments

I don't believe in magic. Don't believe in unicorns, leprechauns or genie's. We don't let our girls watch Harry Potter, but do let them watch Disney movies. We don't watch Twilight, but Chicken and I love to watch "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer". Probably because the vampires in Buffy aren't sparkly odd balls. I may not believe in magic, but I do believe in the magic moments of life. (AHA! Wondering when I would throw the title in, huh?)

Those moments begin to shape and define our world. We tuck them away, inside our hearts and hold them close. Our colt girl has had more romantic, 'magic' airport (movieish) moments than one young girl should have. Last year, as he left, he leaned over the security line and tucked a necklace into her hands and said "So you don't forget me." She sighed and whispered back, "I could never forget you."
This year, parting was great sorrow. He almost missed his flight, he was hugging her so long then standing at the exit doors on the other side of security, watching and waving. Those moments are hers, tucked inside her heart. It made me reflect on my own moments.

Down memory lane we go......
Matty once took me above the city, played Journey and cuddled me as we watched the twinkling lights of the city. After a HUGE fight.
Hillary was born, Emily was born, Chellsei was born, Kaily was born, Savannah was born and finally, Harley was born. Those were intense magic moments.
When I say, 'Honey! I have an idea!' Matty (mostly) listens...even if it involves painting.
Reya was born.
My dad cried the day he gave me away.
Meeting friend in California. That was the MOST fun!
Going to Disneyland every year for 4 years.
....there are so many more. Most of them involve the girls, involve Matty, friends and family.

The colt girl's moments, those belong to her. I realized as I watched them watch each other from across and behind airport doors, that those moments didn't involve me. I watched him take steps to go through the doors that would bring him back to her arms. Watched her shoo him back, tears streaming down her face. I watched as an observer, one removed. Until I pulled her away, then it became part of my story. I sorrow a little. I am not quite ready for her to love someone this way. It was a magic moment that I only got to see, not be a part of. As her mother, my heart sorrowed a bit.

God blesses us with those moments when we aren't looking for them. Sometimes, we try to make them happen. The results of that aren't always what we hoped. As young girls, we hope and dream of our Prince Charming, and the moment he'll sweep us off our feet. Sometimes, the love story is just like that. Sometimes, it's not. But take heart, each moment IS written by the Author, the Creator of life.
Anything we may try to put into play, He sees and knows.

The best magic moment: The one where I realized that I am truly His beloved. I am His bride, He delights in me. There is a moment every day that I breathe easier knowing I belong to Him. Often it consists of Him reminding me that I haven't chatted with him lately....a loving whap on the head. Those moments when I know it's Him and Him alone that I can take comfort in. The breeze that blows my way after I pray for it, the phone call telling me someone loves me, the calm after I pray. That is Him. He is the greatest love story.

As we watch things unfold around us, I am reminded to find the magic in the every day. I don't want to miss it, don't want to be complacent. I don't know how colt girl's story will end...but I'm flattered to be an observer, if a little sad. Take some time today, friend, to enjoy Those Magic Moments. And don't blink, you might miss them.

The Absolute Truth

Disclaimer: The following deals with spousal abuse in absolute truth.


The Absolute Truth is this: I have no idea what I'm doing. I travel through life quickly, telling others my opinion, my story, my views. I tell people what they could do differently and what I think needs to be changed in their lives. But honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a wife/mother/friend/lover/enemy.

When Hillary was born, I had an idea of what being a mother and wife looked like. I would make dinner for my husband, our daughter would be perfect and I would be the best housekeeper ever. Instead, my house was a mess, my husband hit me and our daughter....well, she WAS perfect. She was my reason for living. When he started hitting me, I thought it was my fault. That somehow, I had created his animosity. I thought if I did better/looked better it would all be ok. It wasn't. I lived for 2 years under his rule. Once, I even told him I forgave him. I figured he must not know what he was doing....overtaken by rage, certainly he lost himself and didn't mean to hurt me. He quite nonchalantly informed me that he knew exactly what he was doing. People looked the other way, ignored the lumps and bruises and accepted my excuses of running into doors and cabinets. When his parents found out, they confirmed my worst fears: they said he wouldn't have to hit me if I kept a cleaner house.

Right before his birthday one year, I left. He had been hitting me and I saw our tiny daughter, not quite 2, cowering behind the recliner. All I could think was that I didn't want her to think it was okay. No way was I going to let her believe that was how SHE deserved to be treated. My vision changed of how to be a mother. I was 19, an abused woman and now single mother. I was scared. I had no idea how to do anything.

For years, I wondered why I had to go through that sorrow. The almost dying, the insecurity, the physical pain. And then I met someone. She was abused...her heart ached. I saw her. Recognized her. I had been her. She is still with her husband, but I pray someday she finds the courage to truly leave....or he truly changes. My ex never did. After our divorce, he killed a child. Spent 12 years in prison after pleading no contest. I thank God every day for delivering Hillary and I from that life.

As I had more children, I struggled to be the mother God intended me to be. I had 3 children in 3 years....add to that Hillary and my (ex)step-son. The Absolute Truth is: I was overwhelmed. I wasn't grown up, I was PLAYING grown up. Everything about me was sad. I was heavy, didn't take care of my house. I did take care of the kids...they were my world. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. They were always mine...never my 2nd husbands. My life was only complete as long as the children were in it. I couldn't picture my life after they were grown....couldn't picture my home empty, children gone their own directions. Slowly, things changed. I went through my selfish phase, met Matty and finally grew up.

The Absolute Truth? I can picture our life after the girls are gone. I'm loving being a grandma and I'm excited to watch the girls grow. My heart aches when I think they will be hurt, my heart sorrows when they are sad. I want to protect them, but I know they need to fly away.....and experience the life God has planned for them. My plan seldom is His plan. I always want things to be just so, and they rarely ever are. I can see where sometimes my plan does align up with His...but it's typically AFTER I've given up. I'm stubborn. Looking back over my own life, I see where the road would've been different. I was meant to marry Matty....I just went the hard way around the mountain instead of just waiting for God to unfold the path across it. And that's the way He works. I don't blame Him for the abuse, never did. I questioned Him, but that's okay. Sometimes there were answers, sometimes there was silence. Sometimes it was years before I got the answer I looked for.

The Absolute Truth: He allowed me to travel around the mountain that is my life. He allowed me to stay and wallow in the pit of my own making. Then He took my decisions and fashioned great things out of them. He allowed me to finally look past myself into the great big world and find joy in the things that brought me sorrow. He allows me glimpses of each girls future, reassuring me that He's got them. And no one can snatch them away. He is the King. I am His child, His beloved.

The Absolute Truth: If you are being hurt please know that it is NOT okay. You are worth more than the sum of one person's fist, the sum of what the world overlooks. You may not feel it, but you ARE precious in His sight. He sees the sparrow, believe me my dear one, He sees YOU! In the darkness, He is the light. Tomorrow is Easter. The day He died, took all my sin (and yours) and provided a way to live with Him forever. The story didn't end there...He rose again. He lives today.

The Absolute Truth: I'm feeling somber today. I wait and watch to see how a plan will unfold. For me, that is nerve wracking. Truth....He already knows how it unfolds....across the mountain we go.

The Equality of It All

There has been a lot in the news about equality. You know what I'm talking about. But let's take it somewhere different. Let's talk about inside a marriage. God's original design for marriage was that a man and a woman would compliment each other. He created Adam, and from Adam created Eve. She was his 'helpmeet', his match in all things. Yet, this same woman...beautiful, certainly shaped well helpmeet.....was also the down fall. Adam was by no means innocent. I mean seriously, dude, your wife was talking to a snake! As she took that bite, he stood by, perhaps waiting to see if she'd fall dead. When she didn't, he bit too. Thus began the equality war.

I'm too young to be a part of the 'burning bra' movement. But I've heard about it. And i grew up in a household where my mom was the spiritual leader. Spiritual leader=LEADER in my head. After I got married the first time, I lived through 2 years of horrible abuse. Almost died. After that marriage, I swore I would never let any man dominate me again. This thought process now leads to a lot of struggle in my household. Matty would never hurt me, never cause me physical pain. Emotionally, I think everyone batters each other some. (even you) But I struggle to be his equal....even his leader. And I'm sure some of that has to do with the fact that I am 4 years older....I've lived more life and I believe I know everything. HA!

I tell our girls that their husband is to be their guide, the strength of their household. Yet...I don't always live that. And I pray about it. A LOT. Maybe not enough. Here's the truth. I try to make dinner every night he is home at dinner time. I believe he is worthy of a hot meal after a long day at work. If he's working, I set him a plate in the fridge...I get his food before I get mine. I try to keep our home a place he enjoys coming home to. I make sure his laundry is done. I try to choose movies he would enjoy. In return, he provides for our family. He gets up every morning and makes breakfast for the girls and takes the littles to school. He hangs the clothes up in the closet, because i HATE that. Aside from the leadership struggle, we have a marriage of equality. I still make bad choices and he still does annoying things. Thus is marriage.

We talk about equality. We want it in everything. We all want the same size piece of pie. But sometimes, it's not about that. Sometimes we take equality to another level. We decide that we want it, must have it. At any cost. Where is the line drawn? Where do we decide it's not ok? I desire to be my husbands helper. I desire to allow him to be the head of our household. I desire him to guide and lead our family. Sometimes he forgets, so I take the reins. And I have to remind myself not to take bite out of that apple. I step back, hand the reins off and try not to think about what I want to do differently. Inside of marriage, the equality is the blessing to be taken care of. To be loved through my faults, to whisper 'I love you' in the night and have it whispered back. To know that he trusts me to raise his children, and that I trust him to never hurt me.

I have a very strong personality. (duh, right??) I know that is how God created me. I have, believe it or not, tempered it quite a bit. But in this, the Equality of It All....I struggle. So, friends, pray for me. I want to be all God designed me to be, wife, mother, helpmeet. And I REALLY like apples.......


funny thing: Kaily's young man said that American girls are much different from the ones in his place of origin. Said they appear to want to be more equal.

Right Here, Right Now

Right here, right now all is well in our corner of humanity. Emily is safely back at college, dating a nice boy who brings her flowers. Hillary is raising our grand girl well, her husband helicoptering around her. Chellsei has applied to college and appears on track to be accepted into more than one. Kaily is finishing up junior year strong, her crazy German is here visiting her. Savannah is going to her first dance on Wednesday, her dress makes her look very grown up. Harley started a prayer 'cup' at home, her requests are often for family time or others to know Christ. Matty loves his job, heading into college later this summer to become a C.N.A. And me....well, I'm actually kind of cranky. But that is just the way it is right now.

Any moment, these things can change. In the blink of an eye, the whole world can fall apart. One year ago, we were getting ready to go to Disneyland. Shortly after that, Matty lost his job and our world was turned upside down. We survived, pulled ourselves up and have settled into a normal. It doesn't always happen that way. We're just blessed with God's grace through it.

A week ago, I realized that this time next year, Kaily will be graduating. And then headed off to college. Emily will be a junior in college later that fall. And we will only have 2 girls at home. As a woman who has defined herself as "mom of 6 girls" I'm not quite sure what this new puzzle will look like. It will be quieter and Savannah and Harley will have their own rooms. We'll even have an extra room for t.v.s and such. In another few years, we could have more than one son in law and perhaps even more grandchildren. Right here, right now.....everything is still the normal we've created.

In a couple weeks, Kaily's Simon will be going home. And by home, I mean Germany. Right here, right now they're looking at the next couple weeks with joy. I see ahead to the last moments at the airport. She cried for 2 days last time....I'm sure it will be harder this time. How often do we not enjoy the right here and now? How often do we allow the thought of the "after" effect us? How often do we skip over the good parts because we know the bad parts are coming? And maybe they're not even bad....just different from what we want. We get stuck in the struggle of what we think will happen rather than enjoy what IS happening. Our minds get so caught up in what we don't want to happen.

We get stuck. Stuck in the way we wish the world was different, our own lives different. We get stuck thinking of all the things we have to do and ignore the things we GET to do. We live so often for the tomorrows that may or may not come, we forget to live for the right here, right now. I want the girls to enjoy their moments. I've never had a boy fly across the world to see me...what a story she can someday tell. It's been a long time since I've gotten flowers, what a memory for Emily. Hillary gets to go through all those amazing milestones that moms get to see...what joy for her and Jeremy! Chellsei is following what the Lord wants for her, what a testimony to the world. Savannah will always remember her first dance...and that her fabulous dress only cost $3.00! Harley gets to enjoy sharing the gospel, what a blessing to those around her. Matty gained self confidence this year, what a strength to our family! Me....well, i see all around me the ways God has provided. I've seen His hand in all aspects of my life over the past year. He has reminded me that tomorrow takes care of itself. Whatever struggles you have....He sees them. He shoulders them and doesn't want you to try to carry them on your own. He doesn't want you to live in the 'after'. He wants you to live in the Right Here, Right Now.

So do it. Whatever you're doing, enjoy it. See it as the gift this day is, this moment is. Take the joy (even if you think there is none) and be willing to live it. Right here, Right now.

And...don't forget to eat dessert. Life is too short to ignore sugary goodness.

The Blueprint

Take just a minute to think about this: From before God created life on earth, He had a blueprint of YOUR life. He had an intricate plan in His mind, a plan for His glory and goodness. A plan, that sadly, we often veer from. Except tonight, I realized that in His blueprint of MY life He had 6 daughters....also blueprinted and intricately planned and taken care of. Wow.

After my last blog, someone suggested that I should stop living in the past. My take away from that was that they thought I live under my sins. But, here's the reality. I don't. I bring up my past because I want all those people who may have fallen to know that there IS hope. You don't have to live in that pit, don't have to struggle under the weight of what you think is unforgivable. You may wander away from His plan, the blueprint of your life, but He is still there. Watching and loving. And eventually, you arrive at the place He had planned you to be. What a sweet story...sweet and full of grace.

I'm not sweet, but I have been washed in His grace. (ok, I can be sweet sometimes) I have been cleansed by His blood. I am what you would call a "cradle christian". I've known the Lord for as long as I can remember. I don't have that huge "AH HA" moment that Matty has. (he's only been a christian for about 9 years) I just remember loving the Lord. I have had those moments of reaffirming my belief and my relationship. And I've had those moments of choosing to walk away from what He wants...even as I knew He was trying to keep me close.
I watched a movie today, which is where I got the blueprint idea, and one of the main characters had chosen a sin. She said that she was a "church" girl, and church girls didn't do certain things. And when she did a 'certain' thing, which resulted in a certain thing which led to another certain thing. Which led to a lifetime of regret and sorrow. The character then went on to say that you also didn't talk about those certain things. Not because of God, but because of the other people in her life. While this was a fictional story, there is so much truth in it. And that, dear ones, is why I blog. I talk about the 'certain' things others would rather forget. You don't have to tell me your sin, you don't have to agree with me. But please believe me when I say, I only write what God says to write.

When I first started my blog, it was with major trepidation and fear. What if people read it? What if people I KNOW read it?? What if they didn't like me anymore??? Well, maybe they didn't like me to begin with?! And then God just said, WRITE. So I did and I do. Sometimes, it starts out with me being angry. Somehow, it always turns into praise. For Him. And sometimes, it's the only way I can say anything at all. Our girls are often in my writings...they read every one before published or shortly after. So just in case you thought they didn't know....they do. Except for our little girls...would like to keep them young as long as possible.

God's blueprint for my life is creatively drawn. I'm sure it shows all the side trips I've taken, the pit I chose to live in, the lines that have stayed true to His design. I thank Him every day that He stuck with me, kept me close and by His side. That even when I was choosing a path less than His, He waited for me to come back. His arms never closed, He never stopped loving me. I have a physical representation of His grace. I am blessed to call her my daughter. He could've taken her like He did with David and Bathsheba. But He didn't. Instead, He let me be her mother. She doesn't know the impact and the reality of who she is in my life. But, He does. He knew, so very long ago, that I would be created and in my blueprint were 6 daughters. And among those 6 daughters would be a girl who would be His grace to me. I never could've known. Until I started making those 'certain' choices, I never would've believed my blueprint could be so smudged. Now, so many years later, the smudges have become part of my story. A story that every time I tell, I have fear in my heart. But He nudges me on, encouraging me to tell it with all the 'certain' things on the table. He reminds me that He is bigger than where I've been, more than I ever need. He reminds me of His grace, His blood that saved me. And after that, I am light...free and solidly Beloved. It is this that keeps me going. Keeps me writing. I don't know who you are...don't know where you are or even if you know Him. But I know that He wants you. He wants you to know you are His, and you have been created with an intact blueprint. He has a plan for your life, no matter how you try to mess it up.

Please know that I love each of you. If you ask me a question, I will answer honestly. I don't have to know who you are...He does. I do know this. YOU are part of my blueprint. What a blessing you are in my life!

What's Your Deal?

Here's mine. I am beloved. I am His. I am a sinner. I used to wear a giant red letter A. I am a mom of SIX daughters. Yes, I have no boys. What would I do with them??? I have been divorced twice, married thrice. (fun word, right??) I am loud, brash, intuitive, bossy (which equals good leadership skills), creative and a Disney lover. I lose it with my kids, tell my daughter how to be a mother and don't exactly love my son in law right. I'm protective, cranky, silly and just when you think you've got me figured out, I throw a curve ball at you. I like things other people overlook, I think art is just that and don't worry about the little things.

I was listening to my "Worship" playlist this morning while I did my Ruth bible study. In the bible, way after Ruth and Naomi have traveled to Naomi's home land and Ruth has forsaken everything, Ruth is referred to as the Moabitess. Well, we all know that's who she is/was. We all know the facts. So why? Well, the author then reminds us about Ruth's soon to be mother in law. Rahab. The harlot. Prostitute. That's how she's remembered in the bible. BUT it's not because they want you to reflect upon her sin. It's because they want you to reflect on her redemption. Rahab is directly related to Jesus. Rahab the harlot is DIRECTLY related to the Lamb of God, God's Son....Savior of the entire world. Take a moment to think on that.

Here's my deal: I sometimes feel like I should conform. Wear the latest "in" style, do my hair like everyone else and take up knitting. I should NEVER tell anyone my story, always sugar coat and pretend like the world is full of lollipops and rainbows. Even when it's stormy out and the lollipops melt in the rain. I sometimes feel as though I'm not good enough for other people. I mean, sometimes it seems like no one else ever sins. They always smile and are so shiny. I think underneath it all, they aren't so shiny. Anyways, when I get stuck feeling like this, God whaps me upside the head with Rahab the harlot. I wasn't a harlot, but some would construe me as such. But God reminds me that Rahab the harlot is His beloved, so much so that she is Jesus' grandmother WAY back down the line. The Redeemers grandmother! Seriously!

So where does that leave me? Sinning, scarlet letter A, pregnant at each of my weddings me? Well, it leaves me washed, white as snow, pure before my Lord. It leaves me beloved, His, held by His hands and forgiven. It leaves me 'Unleft'....not alone, not forgotten. Rahab the harlot believed. Ruth left her homeland and followed her mother in law and believed. Both women were redeemed, spiritually and physically. And years later, in these womens' lineage, a baby was born. A baby that was destined to die....to save the world. What a testament! What a joy! What grace! What a mighty God!

So, What's Your Deal? What do you hide? What part of yourself do you think no one would love you because of? Let it go, dear one. He sees you and loves you. He is so for you and when you're done trying to make your own stubborn way, He is waiting. (I know this for a FACT!) As the author of my study says, I'm a former 'bad girl'. Maybe I'll be known in His book as Erin, the wearer of the scarlet letter. Because, that is not me. It's who I was, but not who I am. My redemption is complete. And if that IS how I'm known, it's a testament to Him, to His grace and love. He brought me out of the pit.

The Big Deal: Him. No matter who you are, or who you have been, He can and will redeem you. Yell at Him, cry to Him, sing to Him....He doesn't care, He just wants YOU.

I am His big deal. He rejoices over me, loves me and provides. He is my kinsman redeemer.

3 things:
If I ever take up knitting, remind me I don't like it.
Can I make lollipop soup out of melted lollis?
AND....Why isn't the world full of rainbow slides?
Good day, friends. Enjoy it!