Stolen!

I've taken (stolen) this idea from a friend:


Best Quotes of the Year! (spoken in loud, booming voice)

1)"Well, I'm not going to date him if he doesn't have any money." By Kaily, age 15.(now 16) Who has a job and is currently dating someone who has no money. She has finally stopped growing, height wise, but continues to grow emotionally and spiritually. We are proud of the woman she is becoming and look forward to seeing her become the surgeon she aspires to be.

2)"Can you take my place?!" By Hillary, near the end of her labor. We are so very excited that we are officially grandparents! We love that Hillary and Jeremy have moved here and we are able to be a part of their lives and get to see little Reya grow up! What a joy!

3)"I told them I was their first fan!" By Harley, age 10. In the spring she got to go to her very first concert and saw her favorite band. By the quote, you can tell what she told them. She continues to grow upward, and is loving being a auntie. God is key in her life and she'll tell anyone all about Him. She is still quite the character and enjoyed very much meeting Cinderella 10 times at Disneyland.

4)"I can't get it to send to your yoo-hoo account." By Matty, trying to send an e-mail to my Yahoo. Matty continues to soldier on amidst this army of girls. And while he has a son in law now, it still doesn't even up the playing field. We even got a girl puppy. He loves his new job at the hospital and really is looking forward to moving up in his chosen work.

5)"I'm not reaching into my stocking to get a bandaid!" By Chellsei, age 17. Said just a minute ago. She continues to inspire me with her wise words and is currently looking into colleges. She saw God's answer to prayer when she got to meet Hawk Nelson in person and chatted with them for 5 minutes behind the stage. We are so very proud of her and are so excited to see her grow in faith. (she stopped growing height wise a long time ago)

6)"I can't go _______________ because I'm going home for the weekend" By Emily, age 19. She was trying to surprise me....however once on facebook, it is no longer a surprise. She is doing well at University of Idaho and we are so very proud of her. Her focus is a little askew, but she'll straighten out. She currently has a boyfriend who is younger than her.

7)"Kaily has to marry 'Siah so we can be sisters." By Savannah, age 12. Her very good friend has a brother that they want Kaily to marry so they can be forever related. I told Savannah she could marry him herself and get the same result. The look she gave was priceless. She is doing great in school and her sense of humor shows itself daily.

8)"Seriously??!" Said by me, age 40. Constantly and daily. I am still flawed, trying to keep myself together and still be nice to those around me. I am a work in progress and know that God isn't done yet.....so thankful for that! My heart aches in knowing that our time is short with the girls, but so grateful that we've had them. They are all beautiful and wonderful girls, with a heart for the Lord. I am enjoying being Matty's wife....even on days we fight. ;)

So, this is it. My "Stolen" idea....I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. I look forward to chatting with you again in 2013.

Remember, He is the reason for the season!

9)"Would love to see a picture of that baby!" By Jeri, friend. Jeriana! Look on FaceBook....pictures are EVERYWHERE! Love you!

Wrappings and Trappings

Our gifts are wrapped! Yes, world, I am already done wrapping gifts. I did most of my shopping on black Friday...or Thursday as it was. Our tree is up, our lights are lit and the stockings are hung. I have a list of things to do, see and places to be. I have parties to plan and baking to do. Emily will be home, we have a new granddaughter and a son in law to celebrate with. Kaily has a new (old) boyfriend (remember the one from over a year ago?) and someone else could have a new relationship by the time Christmas rolls around.....we'll see what the next week unfolds.

BUT....let's take a step back. Let's forget the parties, the baking and the gifts. Let's breathe. Last week, we went to the capitol to see the tree lighting. It was the first time we've ever done that. It was magical. The girls got along and everything went smoothly. This Monday, we're going to see "Winter Garden Glow"....never done that either! As we do these things, I am reminded that it's not about the wrappings and trappings. It's about the memories, the joy and the fellowship of this family. Things have changed, our puzzle has shifted...but it's good.

I want to remember all the joy, the adventure and the fun we have. I want to hold on to the smiles, the laughter and the goofiness. I want to love well and be loved much. And I want to let you in on a secret: It's about one gift. A very long time ago, God created the earth. And He put us on it. When we didn't do what we should've, He allowed His son to be born, on Earth to human parents. He didn't want anyone to suffer, didn't want anyone to be separated from Him...so He created the sacrifice. His son was born so He could die, so we could live. He bottles our tears, prays for us and died for us. He prepares a home for us (me), He is our (my) bridegroom. His heart is for me and no one could stand against Him. He is love and He loves us (me) much.

Christmas is fun. It's beautiful, uniting and joyful. It is the one time of year that people tend to forgive more, give generously and forget sorrows. And sometimes, forget what it's all about. It's not about the wrappings and trappings....it's about celebrating the baby that was born to die for YOU.

My Christmas wish for you this year is that you love well. Remember to love those you would typically overlook, enjoy the little things and soak up the blessings God has given you. Even when it seems like there aren't any....He is there. He knows, dear one. He sees you and knows your name. His plan is perfect.....just hold on and enjoy the season. His gift was for you.


Merry Christmas, friends. May your holiday be bright. May the Son shine.

Whoop De "Thankful" Do!

Yes, the title is a little flat. It's time for my "Thankful" blog....and I'm having trouble finding something to be thankful for this morning. A little back story: Over something incredibly stupid, Matty and I fought last night. And he slept on the couch. Really. So this morning....well, I was/am still cranky. But, I'm going to give this a whirl.

I'm thankful I'm breathing.
I'm thankful my kids are breathing.
I'm thankful my granddaughter is breathing.
Ok, I'm thankful Matty is breathing. (honest)
I'm thankful Murphy has let the puppy live and I haven't found her shaken to death by her neck.
I'm thankful for the spider guy.
I'm thankful for German boys who send chocolate.
I'm thankful that I realized this year that our "colt" girl has it in her to be shaken to her core.
I'm thankful I am "Beloved" in blue and Kaily is "Imperfect" in purple.
I'm thankful for my friends...ones who remind me to breathe as a needle jabs into my shoulder continuously.
I'm thankful my son in law moved her so I could be with Hillary when Reya was born.
I'm thankful for Logan.
I'm thankful to Harriet....she created the path that led to my high school graduation.
I'm thankful that Emily is keeping a (somewhat) level head at college.
I'm thankful that the yumminess of Thanksgiving dinner is right around the corner! Lots of food, treats and killer bunnies!
Oh, yes...I'm thankful for Killer Bunnies. And for Jess, who talks in a funny accent when she gets to choose a carrot.
I'm thankful I'm still here...alive and able.
I'm thankful for Hawk Nelson...what a treat for Chellsei!
I'm thankful that I got to go to Disneyland. AGAIN!
I'm thankful.

Things I am NOT thankful for:
fights
outhouses
still speedos
beets and butterscotch
spiders (hence the spider guy)
puppy training....and puppy eating everything in sight
when Murphy acts like he's going to grab puppy by her neck and shake her to death
sleepless nights with hubby on couch
taking the yuckies out of the turkey....ewwwww!

Something I am ALWAYS thankful for:
God
His infinite wisdom and grace
that He allows me to live, raise His children and have another chance at being a good wife
that He holds my hand, I am never alone

So, the moral to this list is: Just because it doesn't seem to work, doesn't mean it's broken. This morning is a "flat" morning for me...doesn't have to be a "flat" day. And I'm thankful for that....I get a "Begin Again".

Thank you for reading....for sticking with me, for loving me through my honesty. I am thankful for you, unknown friends. God bless you and keep you!

thankful for stretchy pants....

Generations

I have a granddaughter. She is small and lovely and fabulous! My heart swells when I see her...i just LOVE her super much!

The day Hillary had her, I was struck with the realization that I'm no longer "the" mom. My days of parenting Hillary are over. She is the mom...her journey is just beginning. As I watch her go through all that post pregnancy stuff (pain, healing from stitches etc), I try to remind her that it's worth it. But some days, it doesn't feel worth it.

Some days, she'll want to cry from lack of sleep. Some days, she'll yell at Jeremy because he left a tiny little speck of something on the table. Some day's she'll sigh in frustration and beg me to "PLEASE take the baby". And some days, she may look back and think about how much easier life was "before"....

BUT...most days, she'll smile and coo, amazed at how pretty her sweet little one is. Most days, she'll sleep when baby sleeps (on advice from mom) and she'll get rest when she can. Most days, she'll love Jeremy. Most days, she'll look forward to the every day growing up her little sweetie pie will do. And she'll wonder what she ever did BEFORE this miracle.

One day, her daughter will call her mommy. She will get taller. She'll go to kindergarten....eventually graduate high school. In the very distant future, she'll meet someone (already bargained that one out), get married and have children of her own. I'm not trying to grow her too fast, I'm just realistic. I've got 6 kiddos under my belt....and I only blinked and they were grown. Those things you think your children will never do...they do them. And you're left to wonder if you did a good enough job. Well, He wouldn't have allowed you (me) to raise them if not. He knew what He was doing and He knew who He was creating. He knew who He was allowing to raise them, too. Amazing, right??!

There is a picture I hope to repeat, over and over. It's a generation picture. My mom, myself, Hillary and sweet girl. Eventually, there will be other daughters with other children. What a picture that will be....generations......

He is great. His creation is amazing. There is no mistake when He creates, no mistake or oops in what He does. And for that, I am blessed.

The best thing about the sweet one....I don't have to take her home. I get to love on her, snuggle her, enjoy her and then send her home with mom and dad....

Our "Little Women"

We have a Meg. And a Jo. And Amy...even a Beth. (not dead) It's amazing how much I see our girls mirrored in fictional characters. But that particular story resonates strongly with me. All these girls, numerous personalities...sometimes in the SAME girl...what a blessing it's been. As they grow and get older, I am taken aback at how short the time has actually been.

As Hillary prepares to be a mother, and I gear up to be a grandma, I am reminded that time is ever moving. In 10 years, Harley will be 20. My grand baby will be 10 and I could (possibly) have more! And I wonder...did I teach them enough? Did I do it right? Do the decisions they make reflect on us and our parenting? And how do we stop this fast moving train and rewind the movie??

I turned 40 in September. I got a tattoo. It says "Beloved". Those of you that know my story will know that is how I view myself. As His beloved. (bunny trail) Anyways, as I turned 40, I was hit with the realization that my time as a "teaching" parent is almost over. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when he allowed me to teach and raise 6 of His precious ones. So often, I've felt as though I failed them. But maybe I didn't. Maybe, just maybe, I did right.

As a mom, I have prayed, worried, cried and sorrowed over choices they've made. I've yelled, spanked, swatted and even popped. I've been honest, had some hard conversations and apologized. I've shattered dreams, built confidence and soothed broken hearts. I've become "Marmee".

Our little women have grown. They've developed personalities all their own. And while I see the mirror in fictional characters, I am so grateful and thankful they are individuals. I love the fact that they can laugh at themselves. Love that they are gracious. Love that nothing I say makes them wish I wasn't their mom. It's nice that they love to hang out with me...I guess I don't embarrass them too much! (not that I don't try)

I thank God for them. I thank God that He trusted me....and that even in my mistakes, He allowed me to do it "right".

Whoooo R Youuuuu??

I am going to a banquet. I'm not crashing it, I'm expected. Anticipated, if you will. At this banquet, no one will look through me. They will look AT me. No one will act like they are listening as they look around to see who else they COULD be talking to.

At this banquet, I won't have to wait to be accepted. I won't have to wonder if I look good. I won't have to worry that I'm not GOOD enough. I won't have to worry at all. I just get to be there. And Someone is excited that I'm going to be there.

I know that my last few blogs have been about acceptance and the way we (I) treat others or feel treated by others....but it's been heavy on my heart. I sometimes feel as though I've walked into a party an hour late and everyone already has a party buddy. And so I sit, alone, pitiful and sad. I sometimes feel like no matter how many times I invite someone over, they will always say no because they just DON'T want to be my friend. Even when they say "Sounds great....let me check my schedule". And maybe, I just need to let that go. Why do I (we) let these things define who we are?! Why do I(we) allow such trivial and minute things to determine how we shape ourselves??

I sometimes feel as though no matter how long I circulate with a group of people, I will always be the odd one out. I know my clothes aren't the same, and my husbands job doesn't bring in 6 figures and our car is super old. I feel like these things matter...perhaps they don't. I am still a person, with feelings and insecurities. You have them too....they just manifest differently.

I don't pretend. I am who I am. I'm honest, loud and sometimes not so tactful. I'm gracious, giving and vindictive. I'm abrasive, compassionate and a born leader. I'm not asking for you to like me, I'm asking you to give me a chance to be your friend. To show you who I am. To accept me for who I am.

Some banquets are hard. Everyone already knows eachother and I'm the odd duck out. That's scary and lonely. Some are easy. They're waiting for me to walk in, waiting to laugh and enjoy time with me. Those are fun and wonderful.

The one I'm invited to....not sure when I'll get to go. But when I do, He will tell me that I was always His "Beloved". He will hug me and tell me that to Him, I was never less than.

So, tell me. Who are You?

I am His.

The Matter of What Does

When it's all over, when the song has been sang, when the well has run dry and all the homes are empty and barren....will it really matter?

Will it matter that there are holes in the ceiling.....what kind of car you drove or how big your house was? Will it matter if you got a tattoo....how many piercings you had or who your friends were? Will it matter how someone dressed....how much money was in your savings account or how high up on the job chain you were? Will it matter how clean your house was....how big your t.v was or what school your kid went to?

WILL IT MATTER?

We put so much into making sure those things MATTER. We choose friends based on who we think fit into our neat little boxes. We brag about the latest technological thing we've gotten. We compare our phones....see who's phone has the most bells and whistles. We secretly watch as other people spend money and talk about them later. We very carefully remove ourselves from people we think aren't quite up to our 'level'. We judge based on past experience, deciding that if that person is one of "those" people, we should stay away. We compare our homes, our children, our cars. We compare our sins.....and try to come out on the lower sin "spectrum". We put on our Sunday best and pretend we have it all together.

In reality, we're broken. We should be making the sin matter. We should own up, take accountability and shout from the rooftops that we're restored, forgiven and redeemed! We should reach out, inside our church family AND out. Sometimes, we spend so much time reaching out and trying to make things matter that we forget to reach IN. There are sad, lonely people all around us. And some of them are in your circle....some of them live in your home. Some silently scream, asking to matter. Yet, we overlook. We ignore. We avoid.

And that is what matters.

When it's all said and done, and we've been called home, our house will be a home to someone else. There will be tribulation and sorrows. But our home....it will be a home. They will see evidence of a family, evidence of love. They will find our bibles, our devotion books, our bible studies. They will uncover our secrets, wonder perhaps why there are so many holes in our ceiling. (stars, twirlies, balloons...you name it, it's been in my ceiling) I can only pray they'll take care of Murphy.

The truth it, what matters is this time. Right now. How you're spending it. Who you're loving on. How you're serving God. Stop living in your bubble...break out and begin to matter.

I am a sinner. Some would say of the "worst" kind...the great thing is, God doesn't see it that way. I am forgiven, beloved and redeemed. He knows my name. I matter. He doesn't care what car I drive, how big my house is or what "toys" I have. He cares about my tears, my heart, my hurts, my joys. My laughter....my anger. That is what matters...my relationship with Him.

So....in the matter of what does, where do you stand?
Remember....He loves you much....

Fairytales and other Horror Stories....

Once upon a time, there lived a queen. This queen had 4 beautiful daughters and 1 amazing step son. This queen was bored, tired of all the things that ruled her world. She wanted adventure and excitement. Her king no longer held her favor.

One day a dashing knight entered her life. He was exciting! He was adventurous! He was YOUNG! The queen and the knight began a love affair. Her marriage to the king fell apart, ruined by her tawdry behavior. She didn't care. All that mattered was herself. Her young princesses knew nothing different, her young prince was oblivious. The king felt the weight of his sorrow immensely. So immensely, he left the kingdom.

Soon after, the queen discovered a new royal one was on it's way. Well! The knight was overjoyed. The queen and king dissolved their marriage and the knight and the queen were married soon after. The queen crawled out of the pit she had chosen to live in, her heart softened once again.

She was reminded who she was, who God had created her to be. He showed her the sorrow she had caused across the kingdom, the sorrow she had caused the king. Her heart was heavy. She knew God could take her new child, the bible held a story similar to hers. She knew God could take it all away. Tearfully she spoke to God. She asked for forgiveness, she begged Him to change her heart completely. She asked for the king's forgiveness. Alas, his heart was the hard one now. He held onto his anger, allowing it to color everything he did. The queen knew this was a price she would have to pay for her folly.....knew his pain was her doing.

However, God reminded her that she was forgiven. Her sin was as far as the East from the West. She was redeemed, restored and beloved.

The knight was good to her, her princesses and to the princesses they had together. He loved them and they loved him. The queen grew in faith, sharing her tale to anyone that asked, knowing it was a risk. That perhaps her subjects wouldn't love her, would turn away when they saw the outline of that scarlet "A". Some did. Some kept their distance, letting the past define who they saw. Others embraced the queen, loving her always and anyways.

Sadly, the king lived his life in sorrow and anger, his heart bearing bitterness. His relationship with his princesses faltered. They were cautious about him as they grew. The queen sorrowed for lost relationship and more than once tried to take accountability. However, God reminded her that she belonged to Him and the king's folly was now his own.

The princesses grew up strong and healthy. They grew into beautiful young women, knowing the Lord and trying to follow His plan. The queen and knight enjoyed their lives together, not always so happy....but together nonetheless. The knight came to know Christ, his relationship true.

The queen was happy. She had adventure. She had love. She had joy.

She is forgiven, grace is sufficient and God is enough.

Amazing how a horror story can turn into a fairytale......

Don't you Know?

This entry was originally going to be some drivel about me turning 40. But I erased it. So now....it's about beauty.

There is a song that the chorus is "Don't you know, don't you know that you're beautiful?" 3 years ago, I would've said yes. Maybe even 2 years ago. But now...now I just DON'T know.

You see, I equate beauty with how good I feel my figure is. And really, isn't that what we're taught?? We see thin, beautiful women on t.v. all the time. They accost us in magazines, look at us from billboards and make us laugh or cry from the big screen. The media has a hay day if a famous woman is caught, heaven forbid, looking NORMAL! Then the aforementioned woman goes on national television to show off her NEW body...the thinner, more "beautiful" her. Does she know she was beautiful before??

I know beauty is more than a figure, more than a current trend. I know it because I say it all the time to our girls. But that doesn't apply to me. I don't have to believe it, I just have to pass the message along. Right?! WRONG!

I need to believe it. I struggle so much with feeling like the odd duck, the sheep no one wants to talk to. And a part of me believes that maybe if I looked like the other sheep, was as beautiful as the flock, then maybe I would be liked better. Because, of course, I believe that how beautiful you are directly leads to how people like you. Hmmm, there seems to be a flaw in my logic. So what's a girl to do?

I know some of you are scratching your head (Yes, I 'm talking to YOU), thinking "Erin, you are so NOT a sheep at all." Don't let the pink hair fool you, sometimes I need to know I'm beautiful too. Just like all the other pretty sheep.

I look at our girls, and I think how lovely they all are. Loud, opinionated, sweet girls....and all fair of face. Sometimes, I think God did that because He knows how I feel about myself. There are things I can change, things I can work on. But what really needs the work is my mind set. It's flawed, with HUGE holes in it. I need to remember that I am MORE than my jean size, more than the number on the scale. I need to remember that I was created in HIS image....and He is Beeeeeyouuuuutiiiiifullll!

I need to believe the words I say to the girls, need to grasp them and hold tight. I need to remember the way He loves me.....and that He purposely created me. I am a part of His plan....every inch of me. And that is a grand thing.


How about you? Don't you know YOU'RE beautiful?!

Tidal Wave

That's how it came over me: the realization that next week at church there would be one less daughter sitting in our row. Not that she sat with us often (usually with the other youth), but STILL! The tidal wave of truth hit....another one was leaving our home.....and I haven't stopped crying. At least not on the inside.


This Juliet....oh how I love her. She was an incredibly happy baby (laughed at walls) and a VERY dramatic teenager....still is. I know she is going to do UH-Mazing at college and I know she has to learn how to function without us coddling her. But, please....just another few weeks/months/years?!

I didn't expect to feel this way. I figure the more you have the easier it gets, right? I think I could be wrong. I have 3 in a row....how will I survive it?

And I am reminded....she is His. He created her for His purpose, His glory, His plan. He simply allowed us to raise her. And, oh, I have wondered why He thought I would be a good mother to her?! He must see something in me, and for that I am thankful. My life would not be the same without her to have held.

Another wave hit: This one, the realization that He loves ME more than I could ever love her. And I love her ALOT. And even though I have veered so far off the path He designed just for me, He has loved me. When I was so far in a pit, with the pigs....He loved me. In fact....He created me. ON PURPOSE. That is one wave I will ride to the shore.

He calls me to love her. I can do that. But I don't have to like her leaving. Because regardless of it all, it's a new configuration of our family. I know that as time goes on, a new normal will emerge and life will settle into a pattern. The puzzle will shift and the pieces will move....and we will survive this, together, with God's grace and love. As the man who preached today said....praise Him in all times. (that's what I heard)

Tidal waves are scary, tumultuous and wild. I will hold my breath and stand firm...

if you see me, hug me. i'm gonna need it.

When a Man loves a Woman

We all know what song goes through our heads: Michael Bolton belting out those lyrics. And really, there is nothing good in that song. For heavens sake, it's about a man doing everything for a woman and she doesn't care/notice.

Sometimes, I see that in the girls. There are boys that bend over backward just to get a smile. Boys that fall so in "love" that they put a girl on a pedestal and forget that she is JUST a girl. And this girl, she shies away from that. She's a skittish colt. She hates being "loved". And sometimes, she doesn't care what they do.

We have very specific ideas of what we want for these daughters in a dating relationship. First, we believe in dating. Not the worlds view...but the whole go on dates thing. With different boys. Perhaps even in the same weekend.....daring, huh? We defy one on one relationship. We want these daughters to be pursued, not to do the pursing. We want boys to call them, not them call boys. Any boy that prefers that isn't worth the time.

Please know that I am not supporting using someone. I have told the girls that dating is to get to know someone, to figure out IF you do like someone. I hearken back to a more innocent age, a time when boys respected girls and girls didn't chase boys like they're a prize.

The truth is, when a man loves a woman it's much deeper than the things he buys, the things he does. When a man loves a woman.....
...he sits by her when she throws up
he chooses to love her when she is unlovable
...he builds her a table, even though they have a perfectly acceptable one
he sees her past and doesn't shy away
...he becomes a better man
he lets you change the xbox avatar to a girl (even though it bugs him)
...he listens when she fights with her best friend
he takes her side, even when she's wrong
...he wipes her tears when she's sad/angry/hurt/happy
he lets her go to Disneyland, even without him

The truth is, there is so much more. I watch these boys fumble with what they think "love" is and it hurts. They "love" someone that is in no place to love them. They ask for advice on "how to" with a specific girl, but get angry when the answer comes to them from different people than the object of affection. They put someone behind glass, then don't understand when she tries to break it down. They stand in awe of her.....unable to completely function and then don't understand why she gets upset that he hasn't spoken to her. I just want to yell at them...."OPEN YOUR MOUTH,BOY!".....haven't yet, but be on the lookout.

In conversation with some girls, they were talking about a boy who thinks he's ready to be intimate with his girlfriend. My heart broke. These boys think they have it all together. That they are in control. Truth is, they have none. God has it all. God has written their lives. He knows everything. He knows the heartbreak that will follow intimacy before marriage. He knows the sorrow that will come. One of these girls said "I haven't had sex yet, but I've done things that I'm already bringing into my marriage....and it's heartbreaking". My heart breaks for her.

In closing, the colt girl won't always be that way. Someone will come into her life and she will want to be loved by him. She won't want to run or hide. I know this. I also know that there is no way to stop people from loving her before she's ready. It's crazy growing up in this world, where too much too soon is a way of life. Keep praying, hold tight and know that God's plan is complete. He knows the detours we may take....and loves us anyways.

When a man loves a woman....
.......he will respect your heart, respect your commitment to God, and honor you........never settle for less.

The Art of Breaking

Every time a glass breaks in my house, I get a little cranky. And afterward I always think in my head that "next time, I will just laugh it off". I never do. Tonight, the 4th glass this month was broken. I grabbed the dog, a girl swept and I told the girl who did how it would've been different if only she'd........

Wow. That is NOT who I want to be. Every day so many things get broken. Glasses, t.v.s, anything. You name it and it can probably get broken. But tonight, I broke something far more important than a glass. I chipped away at her spirit. And I fear that someday there may be so many chinks that she shatters.

It's an art, breaking someone. I know. I was/have been broken. A parental telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. A husband (the first) headbutting me. My daughter yelling she hated me. A husband telling me tiny little stupid lies. And sometimes, I feel so broken that I'm not sure how to hold up. Occasionally, I find myself chinking away at Matty, chinking away at the girls. Bit by bit, I can see and hear myself breaking them. And sometimes, I feel helpless to stop it. I get going and can't always quit. It's like a stone rolling down a hill. Sigh.

Everyone is fragile. Their hearts, their lives. We wait for a word....we wait for silence. We wait for the "shatter". We "shatter" someone else. We run up against ourselves, we become the one who's getting broken. We tell ourselves that we're stupid, why did I do that. We realize our faults in hurting others, never in hurting ourselves. Why is that?

There is One who treats me like I am a precious stone. He will never break me. He reminds me not to shatter the glass. He reminds me that even if something breaks, He is mighty to fix it. He gently and sometimes forcefully reprimands me....these are His children, treat them well. He reminds me that a glass is just a glass, but their hearts are more valuable. He holds my hand when I fail, gives me courage to begin again. He loves me, just as I am.


I probably won't laugh it off when the next glass breaks.....but I'll try. I will, however, be more cautious with the glass that is my daughters. They deserve that.

The Monster Under the Bed

There is NOT a monster under my bed. Instead, he roams in my world. He roams around my home, he walks heavily through dreams and consistently wreaks havoc upon my life. He causes anger, sorrow, hatred and fear. And guess what! He's in your life too.

We can not escape the enemy. This world is his to walk upon. There is warfare all around us.
Let's chat a little about fear. I believe fear is a great big hold on many, many people. As a little girl, my mom took me to see a movie. I was about 7. In this movie all Christians were captured and beheaded. Talk about a "monster"! I was TERRIFIED! All I envisioned was being yanked out of my bed and taken to the guillotine. I had nightmares of this happening to my parents, my sister and anyone I loved. As I had children, their tiny heads filled a basket. It was horrible.

There is fear of love, of never finding love. There is fear of pain, death and even fear of joy. When exactly does fear set in? I have seen our children walk fearlessly into the road, ride a roller coaster, move away. I have seen them walk bravely into situations that I would've run from. I have seen them confront fear. I have seen them walk away, unscathed. Yet....I have seen fear tremble across their faces. I know one girl who is afraid she will never be loved. I WAS that girl once upon a time. But rather than search it out, SHE is waiting for God to reveal all. And that takes courage. One girl is afraid of loving too soon. That is wisdom.

As parents, we instill fear in our children. We tell them not to touch, look both ways and don't talk to strangers. We, at least I, tell them what some consequences could be. And I don't sugar coat. Some fears are simply our own. I am afraid of spiders, roller coasters and my children dying. I used to be afraid of being alone....I realize now that I was never alone. I am afraid of failing the children, afraid of not teaching and telling them everything they will need to know to survive this world. I used to be afraid of the end of the world. I used to pray that God would let me see the children grow up. In my mind, that was fully grown, with children. And one day, He revealed to me that EVERY DAY I got to see them grow up. And so it is.

What are you afraid of?? Don't be afraid of the monster under your bed, the one who walks the earth. His end is written. He will continue to cause strife, continue to try and beat you/me down. His goal is to steal, kill and destroy. I don't want to allow that anymore. Some fear is healthy, learning fear. Some is silly, human stuff. Some is well feared. We should never stop being aware of the prince of this world, never stop being vigilant to praying against him. I, however, have a mighty sword in front of me. And if God is for me, then who could stand against??!


I can't watch movies with be-headings. But I am not afraid anymore.....I have read the end and can't wait to get there.

A Moment Too Long

We've all had one. That moment you see an attractive person of the opposite sex. You glance at them, surprised they're looking at you. You hold their gaze. Then suddenly....your mind is going. And for a moment, you forget everything else but the fact that you are desirable to someone. But, um...HELLO! That person isn't your spouse. We all seek affirmation, desire attention and yearn for validation. And sometimes, when we think we're missing it, we're willing to allow those too long moments.

I believe it happens in every marriage. I don't think it's intentional, nor do I think every glance is inappropriate. I don't think every gaze leads to adultery. I do think that sometimes it leads to thinking about your own spouse. Perhaps even thinking about what it is you feel you've been missing. Or thinking about what you WISH your spouse would think/do/say.

At the very core, the very root, is dissatisfaction. An unmet expectation. There are a million things our spouses may do in a day/week/month/year to absolutely annoy us. In one of those moments, you can bet the enemy is going to try to shatter a brick in your/my marriage. We don't even know there's a fight yet. So we don't protect. Our defenses are down, we are caught unawares. And before you know....it's been a moment too long.

The thoughts you may entertain, but never expound on, are dangerous. More explosive are the ones you do act upon. A cup of coffee. Befriending on social networks. Texting.
Maybe even video chat. Sometimes, it's not even a person in person. It's someone online. You cultivate a relationship. Tell all your troubles and they commiserate. Before long, they are the missing piece to your angst. And you are sinking.

Since wearing the letter "A", I have had a few moments. Just glances, gazes. However, I shut it down. Because I've been there. My defenses go up, my bulwark is built and I SHUT MY MIND DOWN. Maybe Matty and I have had "that same old argument". Maybe he's said something I don't like. Whatever it is, I recognize that vulnerability. I see it, I own it and I embrace it. I search out my heart, PRAY and hold my thoughts captive. Everyone likes to be noticed. Everyone likes attention. Everyone likes to know that someone finds them attractive. That's where is has to stop.

We have to hold tight to our marriages. We must stand together against the enemy. We must be united. Next time you have a moment too long, I hope it's with your spouse.


My favorite is when we're across the room from eachother. I look at him, he looks at me and I know I belong. I am his.

Erin and the No Good, Very Bad May

It is what it sounds like. But we actually have to back up to the end of April.

We had a fabulous vacation to Disneyland. I went to IKEA with my parents 2 weeks after we got back. It was relaxing and blissful. Sigh.

I got home. That is when it all came down. Matt got fired. For being a nice guy. After 10 years. UGH!
I cried. I blogged. We survived....but barely. Come the following Friday, I burned my hand. Decided NOT to go to the doctor....I was having a party. Hand HURT. I went to doc at the urging of 2 friends ( you know who you are) and found out I had 2nd degree burns. OUCH. Did I mention that at this same time we were planning our oldest daughters wedding??!

Daughters wedding began coming together. On a zero budget! It can be done, people! It took a lot of people and their generous supplies/help/love. Anyways.....someone offered to pay for cake. Then, decided not to pay for cake. Okay. I can deal. Not so much, actually. I cried. EVERYTHING made me cry. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying. If anyone even asked how I was, I cried. My daughter said that every time she looked at me, I was crying.

Back to the cake: Someone else called and said not to worry, they had the cake covered. Guess what! They ended up not being able to do the cake thing either. A week and 1/2 before the wedding. Went to my moms, fought with her. Sat in my car and cried. For an hour. Talked to my friend while crying in the Starbucks parking lot. They were closed. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. (I may be off a smidge in the chain of events)Finally, the cake was taken care of. For real. And it was yummy....and ended up being a gift of love.

Found out Matt was denied unemployment because the state agreed with Wal-Mart. He was a BAD, BAD employee for helping someone on his lunch. They said his "work had fallen below the standard they expect". Cue the crying. Just when I had stopped. Eeeesh!

And before this becomes the "light at the end of the tunnel" blog, I have one more thing. The day before Hillary's wedding.....we found LICE in Harley's hair. HOORAY! I told her if she agreed to shave her head, I would shave mine. I just COULDN'T DEAL WITH ONE MORE THING! As you can see in the pictures, she opted not to go that route, much to my dismay. We washed and deloused her hair. And washed (treated) everyone else on the just in case mode. No one else had any buggies. (FYI: she is louse FREE) We stripped and bagged beds and animals. Bug sprayed brushes and combs. All the day of the wedding rehearsal. I kind of laughed, crazy like.

However, here is the light at the end of the tunnel part. Matt got a job. We had some money come in. AND! we survived. I graduated, Emily graduated and Hillary is married off. And so as I look back on my No Good, Very Bad May I realize:
Matt had all the time off he would need for that very busy month
I was able to dedicate time to my EOC so I could graduate (due to him being home and helping with girls)
We were able to spend time with our pregnant daughter and new son in law
He helped me with it all, because he was off
He put in Savannah's garden
We reconnected....had been feeling distant
We rethought our finances
Friends gave him odd jobs....brought in a little income
People prayed
I prayed
We relied (rely) on God.....it is all Him

I believe Matt will do well in his new job. He's a good man, and nice to people. We will see what God has in store. I know that he is more valuable than Wal-Mart ever recognized....and know he is too good for them. His ego took a hit, but his faith grew.


"Go, Fight, Win" words my friend says sometimes when we sign off....."I will if you will"....from a card a friend sent me (and I WOULD).....and numerous other words of encouragement came my way. I didn't always acknowledge them, but I always heard. Thanks friends, for sticking with me in my time of lunacy and crazy laughter. And incessant crying.


June is already better.....but I have a tip: Never put corn in hush puppie batter then deep fry them. The kernels become little BOMBS....ouch!

He has never left or forsaken me...I am His beloved. He knows my name.

One by One

One by one they grow up. They make choices. They listen or they don't. They slip and slide down the road. And I have to just watch.

Our relationship with our girls is unique. We've been very honest with them about the "hot button" issues. Sex, drugs, adultery, divorce.....pretty much anything we thought would cause them harm or hurt. We've chatted with them about experiences we've had, told them ugly details. We've spoken LOTS of God's grace. If you ask our girls about this, they'll tell you we've talked TOO MUCH about it all! I guess we just want them to know how special they are and how many "foxes" lurk about. We are constantly telling the girls to have a plan to escape their plan. One plan isn't enough.

I wanted so much more for them than I ever had. Which is why we started talking when they were young. I wasn't going to miss anything. I was going to make sure they all KNEW everything I didn't. And I pray. A lot. I pray my pattern of sin stop with me. Guess what!......they still make mistakes. I'm not talking physical (intimate) ones. I'm talking in general. For some reason, I thought if we educated them on all things, they would make wise choices. Hmmmm. THEY MISSED THE MEMO! And sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder where we dropped the ball.

But we didn't. We have done our best, shouted til we're blue in the face. We have reiterated and spoken truth to them. We have prayed for them, loved them and shielded them. Now, it's up to them. We still have a few we can continue to "bubble wrap", but for the most part we have 2 3/4 adult children. (Chellsei, you're the 3/4)

Sometimes, I get really happy when other christian children mess up. Because then I know we are ok. I know that if their kid did it, ours must be alright. Please don't misunderstand....I never rejoice over a lost sheep or a sheep who is blatantly going against God. I just take heart and know that it's okay not to be perfect. And that it isn't a reflection on my relationship with the Lord. And that it's not because we did anything wrong, it's just that these daughters were created with their own minds. I know, I know.....that's shocking.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do as a mom is step back. I hate having to let them get hurt....but that helps them grow. Until they have children, they won't understand. I look forward to when they do.

One by One they grow up and get a life. I may not like it, but that's the way it goes.

Not sure how to _______!

Please, fill in the blank. I have many words to fill it in with.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move

As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.

To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!

In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.

Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.

Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.

Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....

Not sure how to......

However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.

The "Bad" Me

So, here is a secret: I have a "BAD" me. *GASP*....Oh the HORROR! Bad me likes to listen to non-christian music and occasionally watch "R" rated movies. Bad me wishes I could kick people who frustrate me. Bad me wishes that all her children would just GROW UP already. Bad me wants to eat chocolate all day and watch reality t.v. Those shows are like a train wreck....you just can't look away. Bad me sometimes want to run away to a desert island with nothing but herself and a Starbucks. There are other things that bad me wants to do and I have to constantly keep "her" in check. I know that being a christian, I should do better. However, I also know that it's a constant battle. Paul even said as much. We are almost always taught that if we are doing everything "right", our lives will flow perfectly. If we just wouldn't do this thing or that thing then everything will be peachy. We live in a misconception that if we keep ourselves in check, God will love us more. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do so that God will love me more. He loves me immensely. That doesn't change just because "BAD" me comes out once in a while. Sometimes, we apply the "keep in check" rule to our families. We think that if we just do "this" or "that", then the people we love will always love us. The truth is, sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, I am downright hard to love. I know it....but I don't stop being difficult. Sometimes, it's hard to love my kids. Yet, deep down...ingrained in my soul is a love that doesn't depend on feeling. It's a love that overcomes frustration, a love that hits so hard that I can't breathe. I've had that love hit many times: with children, with Matty, with my parents and my niece and nephew....friends. It's at those times, I just look up at the Lord with awe and wonder. I realize that if I love MY earthly family in such a way, His love for me is boundless. It has no limit and no size. He will not get tired of me, He will not discard me, He will not STOP loving me. "BAD" me does not discourage the Lord, does not make Him walk away. He will nudge me, remind me that what I may be doing is not glorifying to Him. He will perhaps even discipline me. But He WILL NOT LEAVE ME. We pretend to be "perfect". Pretend that the "BAD" one is never free to roam, that we are in total control. Well, pretend all you want my friend. I'm through. Sometimes the BAD me does come out. Sometimes I make unwise choices. Sometimes I even let those choices rule me. I never excuse....just learn....and I want to continue to do so. He will continue to pick me up, dust me off and love me all the more. And for that, I am grateful. If you happen to hear of a desert island with a Starbucks on it, let me know. I'm looking to relocate.

The Circle

I have returned. Triumphant and all full of Disney memories. It was fabulous. Until we took Harley on Indiana Jones. The first day. Our very FIRST ride. Then it was not so much great. Plus, she had a cold the first few days. I really, really, REALLY wanted this to be fantastic for her.Ugh! But, we took it in stride (I only told her she had to ride Indy again about 50 BILLION times....she didn't) and moved along with our days. And it was fun. Our first day, we met Cinderella. Harley was a happy girl. It was easy to forget things. But as soon as we were back, everything piled up on me. Girl Scouts, Awana, Hillary's wedding/baby, Emily's graduation and party. Chellsei's birthday. Matty's Birthday. I feel like there is this magical circle and everyone else gets to be inside but me. I watch other people say "Hi" to each other, wait for someone to say "Hi" to me. I stand on the perimeter, waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be wanted. I have such expectation. It really isn't fair. I know that sometimes I have this force field around me, shielding me from the outside world....pretending I don't care. When inside, I'm yelling...."Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" And I know that is my little girl self. The insecure, not "enough" little girl who hides inside. She doesn't come out all the time. Just when I'm lonely. I feel like I try to build relationships and then after a while, they just crumble....or get like a sponge. Just kind of sit there, lukewarm and mushy. I don't like mushy. That is not who I want to be. How can I teach the girls anything if I am not learning anything?? I mean, really! And so I need to learn. I need to grow and stop letting "little girl" me take over "big girl" me. I am almost 40 years old, about to be a grandma. I should know better! However, I am also human, with emotion and insecurities. There are sometimes, I am just in your face confident and strong. Nothing will get me down. But then, the circle appears and I am once again on the perimeter. I shake it off, pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I want to be loved, not just by Matty but by my peers. I will walk into the "Circle". I will tread quietly and carefully. I will be bold and say "Hi". I will love with the hope of being loved back. I am loved by God. And Matty. And 6 beautiful and wonderful blessing. I know I'm loved by more than that....sometimes, I just don't feel it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to "feel" it and just KNOW it. Have you ever felt on the outside of a magic circle? It would be nice to know if you've ever felt this way....then I would know that I am perhaps a little normal...no matter how "special" you all really think I am! :D

Tethers

One week. One week until I am in my "happy" place. I love Disneyland. I think it's because I can run around like a child and no one makes fun of me because they're all doing it too! I love the carefree environment, the way the workers always smile and say "Hi" and I LOVE the people in costumes. I can hug a princess, dance with a pirate and even talk to Peter Pan. I can forget everything that is going on in the "real" world.
Last night, I REALLY wanted to run away and never come back. I would've moved right in with those fairies or lived underground with the pirates. Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a teen adult is harder. At what point do you let go and keep letting the tether out? When are you supposed to reel them back in? My heart aches when I see the children running headlong into danger. There is no Larry Boy to save them. I want to grab the tether and yank as hard as I can. I want to pull them back in time, to a more innocent age. Don't misunderstand, they haven't done anything super horrible....just enough to cause me to have nightmares.
In this specific situation, the internet plays the part of the villain. And low self esteem the villains evil assistant. When a person, who's age shall remain a mystery, disregards a fathers request, there is a problem. When that same person, who is OLD enough to know better, refers to us as "dumb*donkeys* and informs us that we could learn a thing or two from our teen adult...we have a problem. When said father informs the OLD enough to know better person to back it off, the OLD enough guy says he will but only(and I quote)"..because I don't want her to suffer your abuse". WHAT?
I am reminded that the internet is a catch all. It is good vs evil every day. And predators abound. We have had a run in with one. And my heart hurts because she felt so bad about herself that she was willing to take whatever anyone, including OLD enough to know better guy, would tell her. She feels less than. I remember that. The grasping whatever I could to feel like I was someone. It's scary to realize he was "grooming" her.
I feel like I've failed. Yet, in reality, there isn't much I could do. I've told her she's lovely, told her she's smart, reminded her she's MORE than and that truly she is a princess in her own right. She is daughter of the King. THE KING! She may not have Larry Boy to save her, but she does have the best safety net of all. It hurt when we went through "growing pains" with Hillary. It hurts going through it with this girl. I don't think it will stop. But I can take comfort knowing that He will carry me as I try to nurture her. More than that, He will carry her.

One week....then I'm out of here. I get the joy of watching these teens turn into little girls. I get the joy of seeing Harley's face light up when she meets Cinderella. And Savannah as she goes on Haunted Mansion. My heart is full.....and also giddy! :D

See you on the flip side!

My "To-Do" List

Yesterday, my dog got to do what he was born to do: chase ducks, geese and swans. Yes, I said swans. All these birds were in a pond. In a cemetery. He got off his leash AND collar. Ran away from Emily and her friend. And happily leaped into frigid water to follow his doggie instinct. Emily called us frantically. We arrived to find our almost 2 year old puppy swimming after water fowl to his hearts content. If we weren't so concerned with how on earth we were going to get him out (calling him did NOT work), we would've laughed ourselves silly. Plus, we were worried the 5-0 might show. I don't think it's ok for dogs to swim in a cemetery pond and chase water fowl...at night especially. At some point (1/2 hour later) he crawled up to the embankment and his "daddy" grabbed his tail and held on tight. After a warm bath he settled down with some contentment, I'm sure dreaming of swans.

Today, I started thinking about what I was born to do. Certainly not to camp. UGH. Most assuredly not to have boys...hahahahaha. (attempt at humor) So what is it?

Recently, I have had a run in with someone I have to "work" with. And it's continuous. I am being bullied. It's a difficult situation. I have no choice, I must work with this person....often. So in this case, I am meant to love her. I don't have to like it, she doesn't have to like it...but I have to do it. We are called to love our brothers and sisters. And she is, a sister. That makes it harder. Harder to endure and tougher to even WANT to love her. I'm trying.

At 17, when I became a mother, I still had plans for my life. I was going to be "someone". As the children continued coming, all that got pushed aside. As a SAHM, while people say it's "noble", there is often a "but" attached. It's like people think SAHMs cease intellectually. And so I started feeling like there must be MORE. I should be doing something ELSE. Never mind that I was in AWANA, teaching Sunday School and "Cooking Mom" for a kindergarten class. Forget that I made dinner every night, did laundry and still went to volleyball games. (yes, Hillary. We went to EVERY game) I still felt like I should be doing MORE. I felt like there was a specific SOMETHING and I was missing it. I imagined my life was one big trip across the ocean and I had missed the boat. I was swimming to catch up.

And then one day, I swam right into an island. God said to me "You're raising my children." Peace settled my heart, His voice lingered in my ear. He was right. I was reminded that they aren't MINE. These daughters. They are HIS! And He wanted ME, didn't graduate, scarlet letter, upside down ME to raise them up. OH MY GOODNESS! I was doing what I was meant to do!

I may not always do it right. There are days when I question His judgement on why He thought I would be a good mother to these girls. I mean they. ARE. AMAZING. And I don't always feel worthy of that amazing-ness. Yet, as I sat in church this past Sunday, I thought about how much different they could be. More like me as a teen, or more like some people who shall remain nameless. There could be many different things they could be trying, doing etc. But they haven't. I pray that my pattern of sin stop with me. And I see God honoring my heart for the girls. No, they don't always make wise choices and just recently I've started praying that when one of them practices deceit, God would cause her pain. (mean, I know) Yet...truly we are blessed. We are honest with our daughters, we laugh with them and we cry. We apologize when we are wrong. And we know that if the worst thing they do is dye their hair or pierce something, we've got it good. Golly, even tattoos are better than some alternatives!

So what I'm meant to do it this: love, laugh, discipline, grow, learn, teach, cry....and so forth. I am blessed to have a fantastic partner on this journey...he helps keep me grounded. Also, I am blessed to have an Author who loves me so much and believed in me even before I was born. These daughters are a gift...I'm glad I never saw it any other way.


I wish I could've taken a picture of Murphy, the wonder dog. Funnier still was Matty running around the inside of the fence trying to catch the slippery fellow....but don't tell him I said that.....

My Olden days

Tonight, the Little Bit said a typewriter was from "the olden days". And just the other day, one of the girls said 80's music was "oldies". I was APPALLED! I used to use a typewriter and it's no secret that I LOVE Duran Duran. ( :p to my friend...you know who you are!) This whole conversation got me thinking about my parents. My mom is a bit kooky. A bit of an odd duck. I swore when I was younger, before I had children, that she would never be allowed to speak to my kids. The darndest things come out of that woman's mouth. Once, she asked me if anyone thought I was ugly. I didn't quite know how to answer that one.

I realize that my experience growing up was one a bit different than others. Once you get past all the stuff they wouldn't want me to say (which I am not saying), you get to the part where we were poor. All my clothes came from Goodwill...before it was in style to buy clothing at thrift stores. And when I did get "in style" clothing, they weren't even the right style! (stirrup pants, mom) That made it harder in high school. But I plugged along. Pegged my jeans, cut my sweatshirts and wore skin tight, super short skirts. Anyone who grew up in the 80's knows EXACTLY the style I'm talking about. AND...I rocked my L.A. Gears. With slouch socks.

We owned a pizza place. My dad hunted for our food. Found it on our table once when I got home from school....splayed open and being cut up. Blech! No telephone until I was 13! Can you imagine?! And then it was a PARTY LINE! We lived off well water....and it collected bugs. We had a chicken that rode in our car and my alarm clock was a giant collie named Lazer. I had to chop firewood....and bring it in. (yuck) I went to elementary school where there were 2 grades per room. 8 kids in my 6th grade class. I swore I would never, EVER, live in a town that tiny. Everyone knew everything about everyone before it happened.

We moved around alot until I was 11. Our home base had always been the little house on Cedar Creek Road. It's still there. My dad shoveled stairs out of dirt for me to climb up an embankment. Our dog Sheba is buried there. And more than half the people who lived on that road still live there. Once we had a dog named Toss-Up. My dad had to shoot her because she was chasing down sheep. Shot her right in the head. Buried her. 2 days later she came trotting back to the house. Never went near my dad. Didn't have any odd issues either. If you don't believe me, ask my parents. It's all true.

We had some bad times....arguments, fighting, not enough food. Only wood heat, no carpet. Yet, I do remember all the good times. My mom once wrapped all our Christmas gifts and put them into giant boxes. When we opened the giant box, all these presents were in them. I felt like I had hit the mother lode. Found out, years later, that she did that so we wouldn't realize how little we'd actually gotten. I remember food fights in the house, the water fights that followed. Sleepovers. Making dinner for my parents. Babysitting my sister. (eesh) Our giant picture windows. And all the trees. And the rain....I do miss the rain. It was hard, growing up that way. People scoff, but I hated it. I miss our pizza (yummier than the best pizza you can think of), but I don't miss that kind of living. So when my kiddos talk about the "olden days", my mind goes back to Cottage Grove. Some good, some bad. And I wonder....what will their "olden days" be? Where will their minds go? I hope to our little house, always brimming with teenagers. I hope they will remember Christmas mornings like this years, when they realized that most of my presents were in a Wal-Mart bag under Emily's bed....or last years with the great Nyquil debacle. I hope they remember when "spiders came to play" and how I decorated the house with them...so many pictures! I'm sure they won't all be great memories...but I'm trying my best.


FYI: I do NOT eat game meat of any kind. After growing up on it....well, I just can't. I do, however, listen to Duran Duran whenever I can. Just remember, God is good all the time, and ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!

Knowing Me

Do you know me? Perhaps. Or maybe not. If we were to just meet and you'd never seen or read anything about me....who would I be to you? Would you define me by my clothes, who's mom I am and what my husband does? Maybe even what church I go to. Life doesn't have to be that....

How often I look around and watch people. Wondering what they're thinking, what their life story is. Who has what, and do I have more than? I start with the obvious. , hair, jewelry. In a millisecond, I can take in what a person is wearing and driving. I can decide if I will like someone or if I want them to like me. In my head, I figure out if it's worthwhile or not to talk. Those that I deem "high above" I stay away from. There are just certain people that intimidate me. I always try to get to Sunday School early so I can find a place to sit. Go in late and everyone looks at you and there isn't any space. I hate that.

I talk some of insecurity on here. Mine. And that's because it exists. And sometimes dictates my life. I figure if I'm sizing people up, someone must be sizing ME up. When I share my life as a former "letter A", I never do it without fear. For the most part I share only when God prompts. And He has prompted. Hence the blog. However, there has been one time I shared and that someone put me in a box. And I let them. I allowed the box flaps to close and the packing tape to seal me up. Really it was the enemy....amazing how quickly I jumped back into his lair, allowing him to beat me with a stick. I was a (wait for it) pinata. :D

I didn't like that much. After a tearful (on my end) confrontation, the other party admitted that being in a similar situation had indeed put me in the same box as the one who caused offense to her. The idea was that we must have been the same. Truthfully, I do not subscribe to that belief. The decisions I have made in my life have been mine. I am not like that guy or the other one. People make choices for various reasons....mine is different from yours. The reason I lie is not necessarily the reason you lie. (you know you do)

The biggest thing I took away from this experience.....reminded that there is One who knows me. And no matter how often the mire of muck that is my past tries to suck me in , I DON'T HAVE TO LET IT. I am forgiven and if He doesn't remember why should I allow someone to ship me off to the remote island of shame?! I am a success story of God's grace and love. I am His. And no matter how many times I say (and you read it), there is such freedom in belonging to Him.

I have shared my story willingly and openly with the cyber world. I don't know who reads my posts, don't know how many. And honestly, I don't write for the honor. I write for God. He is the One who knows me...designed and built by Him.

2012

Welcome 2012! Quoting a friend:"As much as there is chaos, there is happiness. Thanks God for balanced blessings."
This really struck me. I started thinking about all the chaos that has been in my life. Started thinking about the chaos that also brings happiness. 2011 brought it's share of hardships. Brought it's share of tears, heart break and sorrows. And for a while that is what I focused on. The sorrow. The "woe is me" aspect of things going on in my life. I think I was a walking billboard for all the things that I felt were wrong. I wore sadness like it was a cloak, stress like a backpack and anger like a simmering fire. It wasn't intentional. All of a sudden, it started raining in my life. Matty got downsized, the girls got their hearts broken and broke a few hearts. Our marriage took a hit when Matty's job got downsized. I started worrying so much about finances that I forgot to enjoy life. I started worrying about everything. The girls' husbands, college money, college, SATs, Matty's job, Murphy. EVERYTHING! My shoulders were so hunched, and if a friend asked how I was I hesitated to answer. I felt like I was in a river of sorrow.

I realized a few years ago that worry is a sin. And just this week, God reminded me that I was still partaking of that sin. He reminded me to enjoy TODAY. Every today that comes, I need to enjoy it. Truly the tomorrows will take care of themselves. Slowly, I've been coming out of my "2011 Slump". We have some friends whose sorrows are much. They are facing a sadness that I can not comprehend. Yet through it, they are praising and praying. I am sure they are crying, sure they are afraid. I'm even willing to bet that they are a little angry. (if not, my apologies) But you know, it's ok to be mad. God knows the heart, He would rather you yell at him than not. I find that when I do yell at Him, my yelling turns to praise. While I was worrying, I put up a shield. Tried to block it all, pretend I was alright. You know what? I could fool myself, my family and friends....but not God. The grand thing is He knew where I was the whole time. He knew my worries, my heart and my thoughts. And He loved me through it.

I feel so selfish for worrying about everything we have had happen when there is so much more that others face. Yet, this is my story.....and these things that happen are important to me...to my family. I am valid to the Lord....and valuable. With the slumps, there has been laughter. We have loved eachother, laughed together, grown and been joyful. Living with this many girls....well, it's always a party at my house. I wasn't "Eeyore" every second....just when I let it overwhelm me. I know this isn't the last time I will swim in the "river of sorrow"....but at least I have a life preserver. Without Him, I would surely drown.

So goodbye 2011. Welcome 2012....a brand new year full of all new possibilities, triumphs and joys. May your new year be filled with laughter and adventure...I know mine will be. And no matter if the adventure is joy filled or sorrowful, I will look to the Lord. His will be done.