The "Bad" Me

So, here is a secret: I have a "BAD" me. *GASP*....Oh the HORROR! Bad me likes to listen to non-christian music and occasionally watch "R" rated movies. Bad me wishes I could kick people who frustrate me. Bad me wishes that all her children would just GROW UP already. Bad me wants to eat chocolate all day and watch reality t.v. Those shows are like a train wreck....you just can't look away. Bad me sometimes want to run away to a desert island with nothing but herself and a Starbucks. There are other things that bad me wants to do and I have to constantly keep "her" in check. I know that being a christian, I should do better. However, I also know that it's a constant battle. Paul even said as much. We are almost always taught that if we are doing everything "right", our lives will flow perfectly. If we just wouldn't do this thing or that thing then everything will be peachy. We live in a misconception that if we keep ourselves in check, God will love us more. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do so that God will love me more. He loves me immensely. That doesn't change just because "BAD" me comes out once in a while. Sometimes, we apply the "keep in check" rule to our families. We think that if we just do "this" or "that", then the people we love will always love us. The truth is, sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, I am downright hard to love. I know it....but I don't stop being difficult. Sometimes, it's hard to love my kids. Yet, deep down...ingrained in my soul is a love that doesn't depend on feeling. It's a love that overcomes frustration, a love that hits so hard that I can't breathe. I've had that love hit many times: with children, with Matty, with my parents and my niece and nephew....friends. It's at those times, I just look up at the Lord with awe and wonder. I realize that if I love MY earthly family in such a way, His love for me is boundless. It has no limit and no size. He will not get tired of me, He will not discard me, He will not STOP loving me. "BAD" me does not discourage the Lord, does not make Him walk away. He will nudge me, remind me that what I may be doing is not glorifying to Him. He will perhaps even discipline me. But He WILL NOT LEAVE ME. We pretend to be "perfect". Pretend that the "BAD" one is never free to roam, that we are in total control. Well, pretend all you want my friend. I'm through. Sometimes the BAD me does come out. Sometimes I make unwise choices. Sometimes I even let those choices rule me. I never excuse....just learn....and I want to continue to do so. He will continue to pick me up, dust me off and love me all the more. And for that, I am grateful. If you happen to hear of a desert island with a Starbucks on it, let me know. I'm looking to relocate.