The Circle

I have returned. Triumphant and all full of Disney memories. It was fabulous. Until we took Harley on Indiana Jones. The first day. Our very FIRST ride. Then it was not so much great. Plus, she had a cold the first few days. I really, really, REALLY wanted this to be fantastic for her.Ugh! But, we took it in stride (I only told her she had to ride Indy again about 50 BILLION times....she didn't) and moved along with our days. And it was fun. Our first day, we met Cinderella. Harley was a happy girl. It was easy to forget things. But as soon as we were back, everything piled up on me. Girl Scouts, Awana, Hillary's wedding/baby, Emily's graduation and party. Chellsei's birthday. Matty's Birthday. I feel like there is this magical circle and everyone else gets to be inside but me. I watch other people say "Hi" to each other, wait for someone to say "Hi" to me. I stand on the perimeter, waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be wanted. I have such expectation. It really isn't fair. I know that sometimes I have this force field around me, shielding me from the outside world....pretending I don't care. When inside, I'm yelling...."Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" And I know that is my little girl self. The insecure, not "enough" little girl who hides inside. She doesn't come out all the time. Just when I'm lonely. I feel like I try to build relationships and then after a while, they just crumble....or get like a sponge. Just kind of sit there, lukewarm and mushy. I don't like mushy. That is not who I want to be. How can I teach the girls anything if I am not learning anything?? I mean, really! And so I need to learn. I need to grow and stop letting "little girl" me take over "big girl" me. I am almost 40 years old, about to be a grandma. I should know better! However, I am also human, with emotion and insecurities. There are sometimes, I am just in your face confident and strong. Nothing will get me down. But then, the circle appears and I am once again on the perimeter. I shake it off, pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I want to be loved, not just by Matty but by my peers. I will walk into the "Circle". I will tread quietly and carefully. I will be bold and say "Hi". I will love with the hope of being loved back. I am loved by God. And Matty. And 6 beautiful and wonderful blessing. I know I'm loved by more than that....sometimes, I just don't feel it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to "feel" it and just KNOW it. Have you ever felt on the outside of a magic circle? It would be nice to know if you've ever felt this way....then I would know that I am perhaps a little normal...no matter how "special" you all really think I am! :D