Keep, Take and Donate

It was a fantastic Christmas. Full of laughter, tears, yelling and.....huh? Yes, I said yelling. No explanation, it's just what it was.
Our daughter flew herself home. It was an amazing Christmas gift to open the front door and see her there! And all I could say was "Your presents are in Missouri." Yes, world, that's what I said. I know, it was a moment of complete brilliance. I'm sure you are shaking your head in awe of my brilliance.
And now it's Forward into the New Year. And it's time to say goodbye to our 20 year old. Again. And this time it's different. When she left in August, it was a desperate move. A move to provide safety and haven. A move to heal. My heart broke. Over the past months, I've heard growth in her voice, in her attitude and her words. Even with some "blips" on the screen this past week, I've seen the growth. We pulled out some boxes that were packed up in 2009 and went through them. Memories abounded. Drawings, poetry....it was all there. We separated things into piles: keep, take and donate and a box for trash. Before I knew it, the donate pile had grown. And right on top were her "kitty" ears. They are a cat ear headband, camo in color with sparkly sequiny (official word, by the way) things on the inside of the ear part. She wore those for a year. Non-stop. In high school. Maybe they were her "safety". I don't know. But when I saw them, on top of the donate pile, I began to cry. She really had done some growing.....and I have missed it. I feel like I missed alot. Or maybe was just distracted. Was I the best mom? No. But I was the best I knew how to be. And with every girl, things change and I get just a little bit better at my "job". But with her, I don't get the luxury of another chance. I don't get to learn how to do it better. I learn along with her growth.....and her change. She is settled, growing and learning. Without me. And my heart aches a little. Ok, a lot. Yet, isn't this the way it's supposed to be? No one told me when I was pregnant that the hardest part would be letting them grow up....becoming adults. There is no manual, no handbook and no rule of thumb. (yes, I know the Bible is THE handbook, I'm talking about something different) There is no one who tells you how to stop the ache in a mommy's heart. I guess I have to grow too. Stop worrying about what I think I didn't do and start praying about what I can do now. I covered her in prayer before she was born, covered her during her youth and continue to do so in her adulthood. I think I just need someone to pray for me....to cover me all up as I learn how to be her mom now and let go.
It's been easy to just rearrange the puzzle and keep moving. Yet, it's really hard to have this puzzle piece fly away, into her new life so far away. I'm not sure how to do this, the letting go. It's different every time. This is the first time it's been cemented, the daughter being settled, her heart truly happy. Her home somewhere else. Maybe that's what makes this time the most different. She's not running away, she's going home. And I ache, just a little.


Side note: I kept the kitty ears.....

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, world. It's been a wild year. Kind of like Mr.Toads Wild Ride, except I'm not going to Hell. (a very real place by the way)
In this year I have:
Relived some of my past
Dealt with heartbreak in different forms
Had 1 girl join the double digit club and another hit the over 16 mark
Had another girl move away
Went to Disneyland! (woo hoo)
Hit the decade mark in my marriage!

These things can't even begin to truly describe my year....there has been unlimited drama, broken dreams and shattered hearts. Untold stories of tantrums and in detail stories of what drives me CRAZY. My own heart has weatherd storms of tears, anger and even some hatred. I have bandaged wounds, real and figuritive. I have cried in Matt's arms and laughed in them too. I have been blessed to see the daughters grow spiritually and been frustrated to see them stop themselves mid-growth. I have hit my knees in prayer and lifted my hands in worship. I have danced for my Father and encountered Him when I least expected it.
This year has been filled with laughter, joy and love. We have banded together in sorrow and in happiness. We have survived the "restructure" of our puzzle and are stronger for it. We have prayed together, memorized scripture and been seen by God.
We have had numerous teenagers wreak havoc upon our home and lived to tell the tale. We have survived Murphy....I think! We are blessed!
They (my family) have survived countless "mom" rearrangeings. The couch moved about 4 times this year, and those of you that have seen my house know that is no small feat.(it's a small house) My husbands least favorite words are "Let's paint" and I said it......a couple times. And he did it. He did all my (our) cupboards and the kitchen table, and the kitchen. All different colors! Boy, I love him! He even, bless him, survived the night I moved ALL the electronic stuff off the entertainment center and put it on a dresser.(took up less space) In my defense, all the wires were there and in their spots. I think. OOOO, was he cranky...... :D
There is so much more.....bringing Murphy home, Kaily in physical therapy, Kaily getting her first boyfriend and her first kiss. Emily's 2 year relationship ending, Chellsei having boys "flow" through her life until the flow stopped and "he" was waiting. Savannah being Mrs.Claus....and wanting to! Harley's musical gift showing itself. Matt's promotion and raise, my ALONE time. Our Disneyland trip and the joy of 5 whole days with NO children. Hillary moving to Missouri....and saying it was a good move.....watching marriages crumble, holding on to ours. Finding a church family....insisting that the cup you drink out of is important.....seeing children lick leopards (playland) and just loving life....It's been a fun, twisty, out of the box ride. I know next year will be even better...but for now, I'm just thankful for this one.

Merry Christmas world. Remember the baby that was born to die.....and the grace that came with.

The "What Ifs"

Heavy words: What If? Looking over my life, I see numerous "what if" forks in the twisted roads I've travelled. And each road has it's own sorrows and also it's own temptations. Like: the boy I didn't marry, the man I DID marry, the time I went to visit my grandparents and the time I shouldn't have. Sure, I'm settled and my life flows pretty well. I see God's blessing every where I look and just last night I thanked Him for allowing me the priveledge to be mother to 6 of His children. BUT...What If?
What If: I had gotten back together with Strawberry Milk Boy? We had planned on having children. If we'd had a girl, her name was going to be Brittney Elisha. I would've lived in the town I'd grown up in, he never would've joined the military and maybe we still would be married. Sounds ok, huh? EXCEPT! There would be no Hillary. And would I miss her? No, cause I wouldn't know she was supposed to exist. But that's not how it went....so I do know. It went like this: I refused to get back together with him. Moved with my parents. Went to visit grandparents in Cali. Met Navy man and the rest is Hillary history.
What If: I hadn't married Navy man? Well, I would still have Hillary.....that's a bonus. I wouldn't have been abused for 2 years, wouldn't have had to flee for my life and lived in fear for years. I also wouldn't have grown, wouldn't have known I was capable of surviving and living. Also, I wouldn't be able to "see" abused women. It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty, but God blessed me through it and now He uses me to reach others sometimes.
What If: I hadn't married the Nice guy? Welllllll, I wouldn't have my "Stairsteps". And boy do I love them! I wouldn't have hurt his heart, wouldn't have "been" David. Wouldn't have been a part in his broken relationship with the 3 girls. Or have been the cause. Or have been convinced of God's total grace, because if He can love me through that and bless me afterwards He is gracious indeed. My sorrow is heavy on this road, but I am free.
What If: I hadn't worn the scarlet letter? Would Matt be a christian? I know that the girl I call grace and the one I call the bonus wouldn't be here. This road is one I don't look down. Ever. Because it's not worth it. I beat myself up, causing bruises and wounds to myself. I remind God of my sin and He says "What are you talking about, child?" When I even glimpse down this road, the enemy reminds me of where I have been and tries to throw me back into the pit. I don't let him anymore, but I have to work at it. It's easy to get caught up in the "What Ifs" of life. Sometimes, the "What Ifs" find you....Strawberry Milk Boy called a couple of years ago. And, oh, the "what ifs" flooded my mind. But not anymore....threw away his number, told my husband and checked myself out of any appearance of evil! The enemy is very real, very strong and is looking for our weaknessess. And the "What Ifs" are a weakness for anyone, everyone. What Ifs are not always so heavy. Sometimes, it's about having dessert, or a new paint color. But alot of the time, it's about the roads in our twisted lives.....just remember where you're at, that's where God is. And every road you've travelled has been one He's watched over you on.

What If: I'd had BOYS.....UGH!

The "Apples"

I realized something about myself. I am as shallow as a mobsters grave in Vegas. While I've always known I can be snobbish, I totally realized I am SHALLOW! I think I should've outgrown that at about 20 years of age. Didn't happen. Remember those boxes the girl whose name they never have puts people in? Well, she's an apple. And I am the tree. I package people up, nice and tidy. Sometimes, with a bow on top. Where her stuff is a coping mechanism, mine is just pure and not so lovely shallowness. EEK! What a horrible thing to realize.
I want our "apples" boyfriends to be handsome, their friends to be popular and their lives to flow well. I want them to live the charmed life. And I equate that with "beautiful" people. What I want to is why? Is it because our world is undunated with advertisements about what makes you beautiful? Is it because the women on tv and in movies are a size 2 or sometimes smaller? Is it because all the men have abs to die for? According to everything I see and read, they're all perfect. And I am not....however, i believe our "apples" are close. *wink*
Another "apple", Juliet, craves the attention of boys. She wants to be loved by someone. She's concerned that her looks aren't good enough, that her figure isn't just right and that her hair is too thick. She is trying to find her value in a boy's eyes......thankfully not his arms! Again, I am the tree that the apple didn't fall far from.
We do have one daughter who has "fallen" into my shallowness grave. The confident one. She is very sure of herself, knows who she wants to be and where she fits in this world. Until this year, she wore glasses and didn't wear makeup. Regardless of this, she was still very confident. But she liked a certain boy. A boy that didn't fit the "mold" of what I wanted her to like. Now, I kept my mouth shut....honest. However, at the end of summer the contacts went in, the makeup went on and that boy went out the window. She found her "groove".....and never looked back. I don't think the boy realized what happpened, she just quit talking to him. That's my shiny apple, from me....the tree.
The oldest "apple" has a lot of insecurity. Searching for love, acceptance and struggling to still take care of everything. I feel as though I failed the most with her. I tried to be a good mom, but she so anxiously wants my approval and banks so much on my opinion. I can make the most innocent comment and it's taken to heart and flung back at me. She remembers things much different from the way they happened. Yet, even in all this....I see me, the tree. (I am a POET! HELLO!)
We have two apples that have yet to come to "fruition".....I'm hoping that all the things I don't like about myself will not grow in them. As for all the "apples, I want them to be strong, sure and confident. I want them to know their value and worth is in the hands of the One that loves them all the time. That with Him, they need no human man's approval. They are brides of a Bridegroom above all else....He sees them, knows them and LOVES them immensly. And, guess what friends! He loves me that way too! Even with my shallow grave self. I am going to be aware of my shallowness and pray it away.....and I will know I am prepping the way for these daughters to do the same.


ending thought: how many bodies are buried in Vegas?
I'm going to stop "burying" people in my mind, stop killing them with my shallowness...

Infatuation

That is a loaded word. I see it in our girls, the way they like a boy. Or in the younger ones, the way they like a certain toy. Sometimes in my husband. He likes NCIS....and guns....and a holster for his gun. Drives me crazy. Rod Stewart had a song called "Infatuation". Anyone remember that?
Mostly, I see it in me. It's odd, the things that infatuate me. Years ago, I loved that show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Owned every season and couldn't get me away from it. Mostly, I liked "Spike". Bad boy vampire with bleach blonde hair. Sigh...I couldn't help it. He was HOT! (sorry hubby...FYI hubby was well aware of my crush) I would watch it daily. Guess what happened? God told me to stop watching and to get rid of every season. WHAT??! So I did. I didn't want to. It was like taking off my arm. Ok, not really....but STILL! Sigh. That was 5 years ago. To this day, I haven't watched an episode. I want to, even tried to watch one on Hulu. Funny thing: that show was down that day.
Other things that infatuate me: the color red, skeletons (leftover from Buffy days?), Dancing with the Stars and Jack Vettriano, an artist. I tend to like odd things. Things that others would say are really strange. But that's ok. I think infatuation can be healthy, as long as it doesn't turn into obsession. God is a jealous God....He should be our obsession, our passion and our focus.
I've realized lately that the things that infatuate me take up too much of my time. I have a lot of "ought to"s in my life. I need to realize that the things I "ought to" do are the things I CAN do. Things I get the priveledge to do. I CAN love my husband for the rest of our lives. I CAN read my bible every day. I CAN exercise and eat right. It's ok to enjoy my infatuations. It's not ok to put them first and begin an "ought to" lifestyle.
There are other things I am infatuated with: Harley's smile, Chellsei's sparkle, Kaily's free thinking, Emily's nurturing, Savannah's joy and HIllary's growth. And I love, love, loveeeeee my Matty. And I am infatuated with my God. He is truley an awesome God. I love that He loves my joy, that He loves me so much He gave me things to enjoy.I CAN worship Him every day, talk to Him and rave over Him. Not only can I, but I will. Hopefully every day. But if I get distracted, I know He still loves me. He's just waiting for me to come back around. And sometimes, He nudges. It may be a sacrifice on my end (what I think is a sacrifice), but it's always worth it. His presence is my reward.

sidenote: Matty's hair was bleached when I met him.....Sigh....

Let's do the Time Warp

Do you hear that? Listen close....it's the sound of my girls being wrapped in bubble wrap. Or at least their hearts. Another heart semi broken. This time, it's the girl whose name they never have. They weren't together very long. They just clicked. And he's very nice and I believe he really likes her. Alot. However, there was just one thing they didn't exactly agree on. God. And that's a biggie. So they're just friends....for now.
I wish I could just freeze time. Rewind. Start over. There are so many things I would do differently. I would still love Michael Jackson (duh!) and love the color pink. I would rethink stirrup pants (UGH) and still LOVE Duran Duran. Other than that, I wouldn't change my teen years. They shaped me, molded me and showed me who NOT to be.
In regards to my girls...OOOO, there is much to do differently. I would play many games, not be too tired and I wouldn't save every paper from school. (a whole tote of school work YEARS old) Hillary is our oldest. She is still our trial girl. Everything we do, and how we respond to her, is brand new to us. With our Bonus, everything is old hat. It almost isn't fair. I told our Juliet that the bonus is our 6th eight year old. We kind of know what to expect now. And what to do. Unfortunetly for Hillary, she is our 1st twenty year old! And most times, we are CLUELESS! She's in a good place now...learning lessons in a loving home. I miss her much.
If I could go through a time warp, I would stop Juliet from dating Romeo. Tonight, when the girl whose name they never have's ex called, Juliet looked at me. Tears in her eyes, she asked if I thought they would get back together. I said probably. Crying, she asked (softly) why that couldn't have happened with her. My heart wept for her. I realized that the brave face she's had since the break up is just that. Brave. She worries all the time about a husband...worries that Romeo was the only boy who will ever love her. If I could rewind, I would zap her with confidence, a truth that as long as she's God's it's all under control! I can't go back, though. So I will help her go forward.
The girl whose name they never have....she is sad. Sigh. If I could go back on this one, would I? No. It was short, sweet and maybe will be again. I only know that I am praying for this boy. Praying that God become part of his life in a big way. The girl, she knows what God's will was with this. She said the Holy Spirit was on her and conviction rode her mind. She knows it's better as the boy's friend. But that doesn't hurt less. As I cuddled her in front of the meat department in Albertsons, my heart cried for her. And I was proud. She listened to God, and that's not easy at 15.
No time warps for me. No matter how many times I hum the tune...Just life lessons. It's just harder for me this time around. I thought mine hurt. Nothing hurts like watching your children hurt.

BTW: I pray daily for Romeo too....he misses my Juliet. If these kids can get it together with God, nothing will stop them. And the hurt will be replaced with joy.

And the label goes to....

Geek. Stoner. Prep. Popular. Nerd. Creepers. Loners.
Those are just some of the labels I hear in my house. Daily. One child, whose name they never have, is constantly labeling people. I think it comes from her own insecurities. She struggles with her identity. When she has it going on, BOY does she sparkle! However, she rarely has "it" going on. She hides. Remember those walls I've been shouting down? Well, she has tall, thick walls going on. Almost a dome.
We've all done it. Labeled someone. Especially in High School. Those tables where people sit. The girls that are on the "outside" who look at the popular girls and wish they could be just like them. The boys who wish the girls would even glance their way. The kids who pretend like it's ok they sit alone, who act like they have something better to do. What teens don't realize is that every single one of them is scared. Alone inside. The most popular of kids could be the one that is the saddest. It's easy to assume that because it appears like they have everything going on, they have a perfect life. But that is hardly ever true.
Sometimes, that travels into adulthood. As adults, we still label. But now we're not just labeling our peers, we're labeling the kids our teens hang with. We make judgments by how they look, if their pierced, tatooed or even have colored hair. That doesn't so much bother me....if you've met me, you know why.
I try to stop the labeling when it happens. Try to tell the child whose name they never have that you can't put people into boxes. They don't always fit, and she may be hurting someone. I know that's not her intention. While she's labeled other, she's also labeled herself. AND limited herself. She's put herself in a box, or dome, and sheltered herself from experiences that could and will change and shape her life. When you label, sometimes in your heart, those people stay that label. And you don't really know them. I've been labeled. In high school, I was alone. I never fit. Always pretending to read, pretending I didn't care. I did, though. I wanted to be invited places, wanted to giggle and laugh with the girls and have the popular boys like me. Didn't happen. Later I was labeled again. I shook that label off though. Forgiven...east from the west.....
We have to change our mindset. Stop thinking the outside equals the inside. Realize that the hearts of those around us are the same as our own....fearful, anxious and trepiditious. If we open our boxes, we let the Sonshine in. And when the Son shines, amazing things happen.

PS....the girl whose name they never have has actually expanded her box quite a bit. I have no doubt that before long, her dome will have disappeared and she will have the life the Son intends.

And so the story goes....

My story continues on. In my life I have broken hearts, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol(gasp), gotten married 3x, gotten divorced twice. I have given birth to six healthy and beautiful girls and lost one child of unknown sex. For the record, I think it was a boy....*wink* There is so much more in my story. All that lumped together looks very sordid, very wordly and very icky. Except the children part. What you don't see is the emotion, the sorrow, the anger and the raw feelings. There is so much more to me than those words. I am afraid sometimes of what people will think of me. Afraid to be too honest for fear I will be cast out, thrown to the sharks. In the darkest part of my story, that's where I was. In the middle of the ocean without a life ring. The only thing I knew was that I was a child of God. I was stuck in a pit, a pattern of sin. I had made it myself. Lived and wallowed in it. Decided to hang there for a while. Yet, I knew He loved me. I knew that at any moment I could run to Him and He would pick me up and cuddle me. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO. I was pseudo happy. I found ways to convince myself I was ok.
I think it started as a young girl. I decided very young that I needed a man to complete me. As a young teen (14) I already knew my power over boys. And I used it. At 17, I got pregnant. Married. Abused for 2 years. Divorced. Wow. That was a whirlwind....alot of pain and sorrow and confused feeling. In Jack and Jill (my previous blog) I talk more about this. And I know, in that part of my story I'm the victim. But I wasn't always. Sometimes, I was the instigator. And that's hard to admit. No one wants to say they chose wrong. I mean, I'm a Christian! I should always make the "right" choice. Whatever! I'm forgiven, not perfect. Still human, here! I hurt people. ON purpose. I caused grief for those around me. Yet....I am beloved. And during the darkest part of my story, I was thrown overboard...cast aside. Told I wasn't and couldn't really be a christian. Told that I shouldn't be happy about the child I was carrying. (Savannah, btw) But you know what???! God created her....she didn't slip by, wasn't a suprise and He knew her name from the very beginning. I am FORGIVEN! Set FREE! I see how He loves me in Savannah's face, in Harley's laughter and when Matt and I pray together. The joy is this, sisters....He took my muddy, icky and sordid self and cleansed me....purified me and set me completely free. He didn't have to. He took David and Bathsheba's first born. He could've taken ours. But He didn't. He loves me so much....healthy girls, a Godly husband and my bonus Harley. I see His grace every day....and I realize that my story goes on. I don't know how long, or if I'm achieving all I'm supposed to. But my story is continuing...He's writing it even as I type and I am so blessed to be able to share. There is nothing I can do that He won't forgive me for. When I accepted Him as a child, that was it. I don't have to work for His grace, I don't have to sacrifice sheep, I don't have to turn around 10 times and say Woo Hoo! It's just given...His grace is just given.

And so the story goes....and that's the way it is.

The Wall

So, I live behind a wall. It's a wall of my own making. Sometimes it's tiny....Sometimes it's the size of a castle wall. Depends on where I am, who I am with and what I am doing. If I'm walking into a room full of people, WOOSH, that wall is HUGE! I guess I figure that if I appear unapproachable, I can't be rejected. Reject first....no hurt later. I put on a mask of indifference, the appearance of "I'm fine without you". But then, later, I wonder why no one spoke to me. Huh?
Ok, so there is something wrong with the wall. It constricts, chokes and kills relationship. I miss out. What if I miss out on getting to know that person that needs to know me? Or, if I miss that one woman who can impart massive wisdom? I realize that I let my own insecurities cause me to stumble. I know that I am comparing myself to others and I always LOSE! Hence, the wall of many sizes. If I feel a smidge comfortable, the wall is smaller.....able to be jumped over. But not enough to really let someone all the way in. I had a "play-date" with a friend today. She told me to get over myself and stop making myself unapproachable. I cried. Not tears of sorrow, just emotion. The funny thing is, with her, there was never any wall. I knew I could tell her everything about myself and she would love me anyway. So what's the biggie? Why the walls in general? FEAR! Fear binds us, holds us and doesn't allow movement. It suffocates and gives us cause to wallow. We are so afraid of change, of real love, of rejection. We as humans crave acceptance. We strive for it, change for it and search for it in any form. But why?
I already have been accepted by the King. I was created by Him, in His image. When He looks at me...He sees beauty. He finds joy in my happiness and He loves me. Oh, how He loves me. There is no wall with my God. And He has called me to tear the walls down, not brick by brick with a safety net, but CRASH,BOOM,BANG. ALL GONE. So, this afternoon I did. They may build back up...but I will do my best to keep "shouting" them down. I will not be afraid...and I will love like Him.

"So the people shouted and priests blew the trumpets; and it came about. when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, that the people shouted with a great shout and the wall fell down flat...." Joshua 6:20

An ordinary day

Today is ordinary. Sunshine, a breeze and quietness abounds. Mid October already. Pumpkins sit at my front entry way, and all the windows are open. My life is good. I was reminded, however, that things don't stay ordinary. With in a one month span, 2 people I know have found out they have cancer. Their families live in the not ordinary. It causes one to wonder about what ordinary truly is. It caused ME to evaluate my living.
What do I do? Every day starts the same. Kids get up. I get up. Make coffee...eat breakfast. The driving begins. Drop kids off. Go home. Drink more coffee. Keep dog from chewing on everything in sight. Laundry, dishes, floors, bathroom, bed made. Go shopping. Pick first set of kids up....1/2 hour later, pick up 2nd set of kids. Make dinner. Emotional breakdowns (girls). Emotional meltdown (me). All better. Daddy home, tv on, girls settled. Bed.
Wow. Where was God? Sometimes, I feel like it's weeks that I don't read His word. I pray constantly through my day. Sometimes, I rant. I yell and holler. Sometimes I sing...praise Him with my not so great vocal skills. With all my ordinary, I've forgotten and gotten complacent about the One who makes me so NOT ordinary. I am the daughter of THE King. He thinks I am extraordinary. Why then, do I let myself get sucked into the every day, same old thing?? Why do I let myself get so unfocused? If our lives were shaken by cancer or other such, what would I do? If I had to step outside my comfy box, WHAT would I do? I'd live. And grow and change.
That's what I'm going to do. No, we haven't been rocked by a not ordinary instance. But I want to live like I'm extraordinary. I want to meet people where they are, love those the world deems unlovable and serve those who my Father loves. I don't want to begin living just when my world gets rocked. I want to see the blessings now. I want to enjoy and LIVE....while the living is good! Every day begins again, brand new with a plan in place. Not my plan, but His. It's a perfect plan, with bumps and holes and straight and smooth. It's fabulous.

My day will begin the same way tomorrow, but tomorrow I won't be the same.

Jack and Jill

You know the rhyme...Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Pretty innocent. But what if we put it in the context of marriage? If one partner falls, the other tumbles too. At bible study last night, I talked about how anxious I was to get my life started. And i was...too anxious. As a young girl, all I thought about was marriage, finding "the" one and having children. So I set out to find it.
I found the first one at 16. I was naive. And thought love came in the form of a Navy man. 7 years older and wiser. Sure, there were warning signs. Such as he was interested in a 16 year old. But hey...I thought it was great. I thought HE was great. We will call him Navy Man. I met him the summer I was 16 while visiting my grandparents. It was party, party, party. He was cute, older and interesting. After the summer ended I went home to Oregon. Unbeknownst to me, I had a very special visitor along for the ride. Navy Man visited me often and asked me to marry him. He even asked my dad. Talk about romantic. My pregnancy was a secret...we married in December. I quit high school, he got discharged from Navy (personality disorder) and we moved. To Arkansas. Yes, to the backwoods. Literally. The abuse started soon after. I was isolated, alone and scared. After 2 years I left. We divorced and he killed his girlfriends child. Talk about God's saving grace. He was Jack...he fell, I tumbled.
Number 2 came after I moved to my current location. I found him after dating....ALOT.
I was a single mom and living with my mom and dad. UGH. I couldn't wait to move along. So number 2....he was nice. And after Navy Man, I wanted nice. I didn't love him...not sure I liked him. But he was nice. And guess what! I had another special visitor again. We married a year after my first divorce. And I was visibly pregnant. Our first child was born in september that same year. Our second child was born april 2 years later and the 3rd born a year after that. I now had 4 daughters and a step son. And a life I was confused about. And unhappy in. And not enjoying. After 7 years of marriage, I checked out. Emotionally, physically and any other way I could. I hurt him....I tore my marriage down, brick by brick. All my fault? No. He had his own stuff going on. But, I fell....he tumbled.
When I fell, I fell for husband 3. This is it, folks. The end of my marriage rope. He was younger. Adorable and outgoing. Our relationship was.....well, not sure how to explain it. Wrong. Unbiblical. Destructive. Maybe, but I didn't care. And...you guessed it. Daughter number 5 came along after we were married 3 months. I must have very early babies...hahaha. Anyways....I have been blessed beyond belief inside this marriage. God saw me. He knew who I was, what I was doing and how I was behaving. Daughter 5 did not escape His notice. Yet, He blessed me anyway. We have been married 10 years, hubby became a christian 5 years ago and we had another daughter to boot. I call her our bonus. Is our marriage "fall" proof? No. But we work at it. It isn't perfect, and some days are harder than others. Do I love him all the time? Yes...sometimes he drives me CRAZY though. I don't always agree with him, don't always get along with him. But he's still adorable and he makes me laugh. I know he doesn't always agree with me and sometimes I make him INSANE. He's a good dad, loves all the girls. He's been their father a long time and loves them much. We work together. There is still residual from husbands 1 and 2. One is back in jail after some other child related stuff. And 2, well he's angry, sad and lives a heartbroken life. I know I am released though. My Father forgave me for my part. I have no more responsiblity in how things go for him. His choices are his own...his decisions his.

The thing is, Jack and Jill don't have to be impatient. They can take their time, go slowly and reach their goal together. No falls and no one tumbles. And they get to get the Living Water.

Really??

You ever walk into a room and scope out the competition? You know what I mean. You glance at every woman. You measure, size and put into a neat little box all the other females around. Some you look at and wish you were just like her! Others you get a little smug and think "I am so much better looking". Or there's that one woman, the one with the gorgeous hubby. She's not so hot and you're thinking "REALLY? He's with her???" I found myself doing that this weekend. Not over some other woman's hubby...mine is pretty hot...but over other mom's. And their kids.
I know, I know. Judge not. I've read the verse. But as I was standing the other day picking kiddos up from school, I was sizing the mommy competition. I was thinner than some, fatter than others. I dreamed about having a figure like that one, wished I was blonde. Started comparing so much, I came up completely lacking. My thighs are too big, my hair too blah, my eyes are just brown. I tell you what, when I get to heaven I want to be tall, thin and blonde. (small rabbit trail) After I beat myself up internally a while, I started looking at the kids. And I tell you....I was horrid!
If a little girl had a messy shirt or stringy hair my thought was "no way are the girls playing with that girl." If they looked unkempt the thought was the same.I actually judged children over how they look! WHAT is WRONG with me?? Have I gotten so skewed in my thinking that even children are prey to the "Let's Compare" game?? Sometimes, I think that because we are financially challenged I have something to prove. And that does distort my vision. I am so thankful that God doesn't look at me the way I sometimes look at others. I don't always sit in the comparison seat....It's just that when I do, it's very telling of my inner attitude and self. There is always someone who is uglier, fatter, thinner, prettier than me. There is always someone who is needy, alone, scared. Those children, they are just children. When my niece and nephew were still living with my drug addicted sister, you wouldn't have let your kids play with them. They were dirty, unkempt and not taken care of well. It wasn't their fault. The adult in their life didn't nurture and respect them. My mom always did my hair. I try to always do the baby's. I try to make sure that our kiddos don't look like we are financially challenged. And maybe that's what I am really looking at. When I think that there is no way my kids would play with "those" kids, I am really saying that I don't want people to think we are like them. And what does that say about me? It says I'm human....growing, changing. It says what I'm sure others have thought. I know I'm not alone. I may just be the only one bold enough to admit it in public.

It's a grand thing to be the child of THE KING....He sees these things in my heart and loves me anyway. That's what I'm going to do. Love myself, just as I am. (thighs and all) And spread His love to those around me.

Shattered Hearts

When a heart breaks, can you hear it shatter? I couldn't hear it when I broke someone elses heart. I didn't care. But now...now my Juliet's heart is broken. And I could've heard the shatter from 200 miles away. Just earlier today, he said he loved her. And I believe he does. As much as a teen boy can. He's so lost and unsure. His life is full of doubt and indecision. My heart hurts for him, too. I want to whap him upside his head and ask him what he was thinking. That's what I did to strawberry milk boy. All whap, though, no asking.
So, in my teen girlhood, I broke one boy's heart. I doubt it scarred him for life, but who truly knows? I did him wrong. Intentionally. Methodically. All without concern for his heart. It seemed to be a theme with me. I meet boy. Boy asks me out. I say yes. Lose interest. But rather than tell him right away, I line up another one. And still don't tell first boy. Apparently, 2 was better than 1. One in high school. One out. Silly, silly girl. All this is, of course, after MY heart was broken by strawberry milk boy. Does that make it ok?? Golly, NO! But I think I went into protective mode. Protect my heart. It wasn't until I met my hubby that I truly let my heart go. He made me drop every defense I had. I even gave him one of my children. But that, friends, is another story.
Our Juliet is crying. Sobbing. Her gifts from him have been bagged up. He has been removed from her facebook friends, and her relationship status is "Single". Pictures have been deleted. Jewelry has been put away. I know this isn't it for her. She is not doomed to a life of spinsterhood. I know that this is God, trying to gain her attention back. He is a jealous God and Romeo took up alot of our Juliet's thought process. I know that she can't think. I know SHE thinks this is the end of her life. But I know this is just the beginning. Maybe, Romeo wasn't in His plan to begin with. Maybe this was to teach her to be careful with others. I pray she will grow, learn and not close herself up. I pray she will not follow in my footsteps and put up a huge wall. I pray she will live...enjoy and have fun. I pray she will KNOW her value is not in Romeo's young hands, but the hands of the Almighty God. He sees her. He knows her name and He loves her much, much more than anyone on this earth. She IS the daughter of THE King. I pray she remembers that. And those of you who know her, please pray these things too. She's going to need it to heal.

I hope those hearts I broke have grown back together. I never did have the power to truly ruin lives...people just pretended I did.

The breathtaking whirlwind

Give me the beach, a drink and a chair all to myself. I've sent in my retirement, turned in my "mommy" card and taken a vacation. Of course it's in my head. I am breathless. This whirlwind called "motherhood" and "wife" has taken over. My time is not my own. Even with all the kids in school, I am inundated with "kid" stuff. There is laundry and dishes and dinner to plan. Totems to make and homework to supervise. Appointments to be gotten to and "taxi" runs to make. Birthday parties to plan and in general, troops to keep happy. Sigh.
I know, I know. It's no more than anyone else, I've made this choice myself, I am so blessed. I KNOW all those things....I'm just having a hard time "feeling" it today. I feel under water, unable to breathe and overwhelmed. I feel like I have to fix everything, and everyone's issue. I feel like running away, hence the vacation in my head. But, worry not friends. I won't fly the coop. The truth is, I know that I AM blessed. I know being a SAHM is a lifetime commitment....and I've enjoyed every year of it. And I have more years left. It's who I am. But sometimes, I want to be someone else. Tall, thin and blonde fits very well in my mind. Little umbrella's in my drinks, and no one fighting over who gets to sit next to me. No arguing over who doesn't do their chores and no one jealous over the girl who IS tall (very), thin and blonde. (She's gooooorgeous!) Everyone's room would be clean ALL the time and the laundry would be done without me having to do it! The tv wouldn't be on all the time (Sorry, hubby) and I would be able to eat ANYTHING and never gain a pound! Godiva brownie sundae...YUM. And.....well the wish list could go on and on. Would any of that really make me happy?? Probably!!! But I'm sure it wouldn't keep me happy. The honest truth is, and don't tell anyone, I am happiest in chaos. Happiest when food is cooking, music is playing and children are laughing. Happiest when we have impromptu bbqs and invite 10 people over. (Matty may not be, but he does have fun in the end) Happiest when I'm all snuggled next to the strongest man I know. Happiest when the lights go down, the house is quiet and I have a glass of wine....savoring the day.
These moments, when the whirlwind has taken my breath and I've broken down and cried to my friend, they overwhelm me. Yet, when I start my "dreaming" I am reminded how much of my dreams are my reality. God is good, His plan for my life is in full swing and I need to enjoy the ride. For now, the whirlwind subsides. I can breathe again.

I'm going to buy some little umbrellas...you never know when the beach might come to you!