And so the story goes....

My story continues on. In my life I have broken hearts, smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol(gasp), gotten married 3x, gotten divorced twice. I have given birth to six healthy and beautiful girls and lost one child of unknown sex. For the record, I think it was a boy....*wink* There is so much more in my story. All that lumped together looks very sordid, very wordly and very icky. Except the children part. What you don't see is the emotion, the sorrow, the anger and the raw feelings. There is so much more to me than those words. I am afraid sometimes of what people will think of me. Afraid to be too honest for fear I will be cast out, thrown to the sharks. In the darkest part of my story, that's where I was. In the middle of the ocean without a life ring. The only thing I knew was that I was a child of God. I was stuck in a pit, a pattern of sin. I had made it myself. Lived and wallowed in it. Decided to hang there for a while. Yet, I knew He loved me. I knew that at any moment I could run to Him and He would pick me up and cuddle me. BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO. I was pseudo happy. I found ways to convince myself I was ok.
I think it started as a young girl. I decided very young that I needed a man to complete me. As a young teen (14) I already knew my power over boys. And I used it. At 17, I got pregnant. Married. Abused for 2 years. Divorced. Wow. That was a whirlwind....alot of pain and sorrow and confused feeling. In Jack and Jill (my previous blog) I talk more about this. And I know, in that part of my story I'm the victim. But I wasn't always. Sometimes, I was the instigator. And that's hard to admit. No one wants to say they chose wrong. I mean, I'm a Christian! I should always make the "right" choice. Whatever! I'm forgiven, not perfect. Still human, here! I hurt people. ON purpose. I caused grief for those around me. Yet....I am beloved. And during the darkest part of my story, I was thrown overboard...cast aside. Told I wasn't and couldn't really be a christian. Told that I shouldn't be happy about the child I was carrying. (Savannah, btw) But you know what???! God created her....she didn't slip by, wasn't a suprise and He knew her name from the very beginning. I am FORGIVEN! Set FREE! I see how He loves me in Savannah's face, in Harley's laughter and when Matt and I pray together. The joy is this, sisters....He took my muddy, icky and sordid self and cleansed me....purified me and set me completely free. He didn't have to. He took David and Bathsheba's first born. He could've taken ours. But He didn't. He loves me so much....healthy girls, a Godly husband and my bonus Harley. I see His grace every day....and I realize that my story goes on. I don't know how long, or if I'm achieving all I'm supposed to. But my story is continuing...He's writing it even as I type and I am so blessed to be able to share. There is nothing I can do that He won't forgive me for. When I accepted Him as a child, that was it. I don't have to work for His grace, I don't have to sacrifice sheep, I don't have to turn around 10 times and say Woo Hoo! It's just given...His grace is just given.

And so the story goes....and that's the way it is.