Just today, I watched a video that a friend of mine made. (TheRedheadMusic.com) After his initial greeting and antics, he got down to what the video was about. Death. And where he's going after he dies, and why he doesn't worry about his expiration date. That got me thinking.
Years ago, as a young teen, I would ask God to please not come back until I had children. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. Having children was the most important thing to me. I was afraid that God would come or take me before I really got to be loved. (Amazing...His love truly is ALL I need! He loves me unconditionally and without pause! I know that now!)
After having a child, my pleas became "Please, let me see her grow up." After having more children, I would sit up late at night, crying. My heart ached, thinking of losing a daughter or them losing me. I would sit and watch whichever baby was sleeping soundly and beg God to "Please, don't let me die before they're grown." I had visions of them wandering the house, searching for me and me no where to be found. My mommy heart grieved in sorrow with these horrible scenarios. I wasn't worried about where I or they would go, I was worried about my life without them or their life without me. I didn't want to expire!
Once, when Colt girl was about 2, God showed me that I was getting to see them grow up. Every day they grew. Every day those marvelous girls changed. Every day I saw something new. And with Colt girl being my youngest at the time, somethings were the "last first time". (get it?) I had peace, for the first time. God knew something though. He knew that grace girl and bonus would come along before too long. The year following grace girls birth....9/11 happened. My fears of death and war and sorrow whapped me upside the head. I was terrified again. The enemy grabbed a hold of my mind, my heart and yanked me around. God reminded me that He alone is sovereign.
Sometimes, fear will grip my heart. What if they really didn't become saved? What if they don't really understand? WHAT IF THEY DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM?! His presence comes around me, His hand holding mine. Like always, with all things concerning me/the girls/Matty, He reminds me that He's got this. He alone knows their hearts. He alone has a plan. He alone sees the entire film strip, including anyone's expiration dates.
Within the past few years, as the girls have gotten older, my prayers have turned to grandchildren. No longer do I ask Him not to come, but I ask Him that I will be allowed to have grandchildren to snuggle. And I do! I have one sweet grand girl that I get to cuddle and love on and spoil rotten. Her mother worries about the end of things, I can tell. She worries that she won't get to see this little Reyasunshine grow up. I don't know how things will go down and sometimes, I still get frightened by the end of things, the BIG expiration date. I think that's only human. But the truth is, I am His. I know I am a sinner, know that I can not DO anything to be saved and enter into His presence. He saved ME! I know that He died on the cross, took my sin (and the worlds) and rose again on the 3rd day after His death. I believe. So, because of that, I KNOW I get to praise and worship Him after my expiring. How about you?
I have gotten to have children (check), see them grow up (check), see my grand girl (check) and be loved by an amazing man. That was a bonus. I don't really have a "bucket list". If I did, those things were on it. What a joy to have experienced so much. Do I want to expire? No, not really. Not yet. I have 5 other daughters to marry off, and other grandbabies to meet. But....His plan is His and He alone knows it. I'm going to enjoy this time, enjoy this moment and grow up a little bit more.
On my not "bucket list": going to Disneyland next year! Yippee!!
"....that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart the God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved..." romans 10:9
That's all folks....
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
The Momma Bear
Yup, that's me. The Momma Bear. And let me tell you something, don't mess with my cubs.
Recently, a certain someone has resurfaced in our lives. This someone had a non relationship with one of our cubs. He strung her a long the "I like you path" for a good long while. Finally, the string was broken and they really went their separate ways. Cut to a year later. He's back, emotions in overdrive. And of course, looking at our girl like he always did. Our girl is flattered. Who wouldn't be?? But, as per usual, a few texting days later....someone has left the building. She doesn't get it. She didn't ask him to come back around, didn't ask him to confess what feelings he has. She certainly didn't ask him to cause upheaval in her life. She's just calmly building her life, waiting for God's direction.
And this, dear readers, is what make this Momma Bear mad. I know that boys eventually outgrow stupidity. I know that girls have just as much growth going on, but somehow we seem to have it much more together quicker! I've seen my fair share of this with our girls. Boys that come around, then change their minds. Boys that profess 'love' then 2 weeks later forget. Golly, one boy professed love then broke up with our girl the same day. I know that life is confusing and emotions lie. BUT don't drag our girl into the bramble bush.
Funny, once I was the 'boy'. I would drag unsuspecting boys around on a leash, then cut them loose with no explanation. It looks so much different as the Momma Bear. I'm the one that sees the hurt in their eyes, wipes their tears and hugs them tight. I'm the one that gets angry on their behalf when they're confused as to what the heck just happened. I'm the one that desires to just kick those boys in the fannies and yell at them to wake up. They're going to miss the best things that ever could happen to them.
This boy cub, he's emotionally hurting. His life changed rather rapidly. And while I have sympathy for that, I will not tolerate him causing hurt and confusion in our girl. (AGAIN) She will be his "What If". If they never get it together, he will always wonder what might've happened. And I am sorry for him, and whoever his future wife may be. Our cub will be okay. As I said before, she's waiting for God. Sometimes impatiently, but waiting none the less. I know He will honor her heart with a mate that will love Him first, her second. They will serve Him with their lives. She deserves that and so much more. She deserves the man God created for her....the waiting may be tough, but in the end it will be worth it.
Yes, I love our girls. No, I don't think they're perfect. But I do believe that God honors heart felt pleas. I believe that God loves them more than I. I believe that God allows for second chances and if the ONE by chance makes a different decision then He has another. I believe that some of our girls will wait and others will hurry along to write their own ending. All in all, it's Him. No matter what we try to write, He always finishes the story differently than we expect. And I love that.
Boy Cubs: If you want to love one of ours, be honest about it. Stop waiting for the BIG SIGN....sometimes, it's the small ones that are meant to get your attention. Don't focus on the what ifs, go for the right nows. Otherwise, back off. This Momma Bear bites. :)
Recently, a certain someone has resurfaced in our lives. This someone had a non relationship with one of our cubs. He strung her a long the "I like you path" for a good long while. Finally, the string was broken and they really went their separate ways. Cut to a year later. He's back, emotions in overdrive. And of course, looking at our girl like he always did. Our girl is flattered. Who wouldn't be?? But, as per usual, a few texting days later....someone has left the building. She doesn't get it. She didn't ask him to come back around, didn't ask him to confess what feelings he has. She certainly didn't ask him to cause upheaval in her life. She's just calmly building her life, waiting for God's direction.
And this, dear readers, is what make this Momma Bear mad. I know that boys eventually outgrow stupidity. I know that girls have just as much growth going on, but somehow we seem to have it much more together quicker! I've seen my fair share of this with our girls. Boys that come around, then change their minds. Boys that profess 'love' then 2 weeks later forget. Golly, one boy professed love then broke up with our girl the same day. I know that life is confusing and emotions lie. BUT don't drag our girl into the bramble bush.
Funny, once I was the 'boy'. I would drag unsuspecting boys around on a leash, then cut them loose with no explanation. It looks so much different as the Momma Bear. I'm the one that sees the hurt in their eyes, wipes their tears and hugs them tight. I'm the one that gets angry on their behalf when they're confused as to what the heck just happened. I'm the one that desires to just kick those boys in the fannies and yell at them to wake up. They're going to miss the best things that ever could happen to them.
This boy cub, he's emotionally hurting. His life changed rather rapidly. And while I have sympathy for that, I will not tolerate him causing hurt and confusion in our girl. (AGAIN) She will be his "What If". If they never get it together, he will always wonder what might've happened. And I am sorry for him, and whoever his future wife may be. Our cub will be okay. As I said before, she's waiting for God. Sometimes impatiently, but waiting none the less. I know He will honor her heart with a mate that will love Him first, her second. They will serve Him with their lives. She deserves that and so much more. She deserves the man God created for her....the waiting may be tough, but in the end it will be worth it.
Yes, I love our girls. No, I don't think they're perfect. But I do believe that God honors heart felt pleas. I believe that God loves them more than I. I believe that God allows for second chances and if the ONE by chance makes a different decision then He has another. I believe that some of our girls will wait and others will hurry along to write their own ending. All in all, it's Him. No matter what we try to write, He always finishes the story differently than we expect. And I love that.
Boy Cubs: If you want to love one of ours, be honest about it. Stop waiting for the BIG SIGN....sometimes, it's the small ones that are meant to get your attention. Don't focus on the what ifs, go for the right nows. Otherwise, back off. This Momma Bear bites. :)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Those Magic Moments
I don't believe in magic. Don't believe in unicorns, leprechauns or genie's. We don't let our girls watch Harry Potter, but do let them watch Disney movies. We don't watch Twilight, but Chicken and I love to watch "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer". Probably because the vampires in Buffy aren't sparkly odd balls. I may not believe in magic, but I do believe in the magic moments of life. (AHA! Wondering when I would throw the title in, huh?)
Those moments begin to shape and define our world. We tuck them away, inside our hearts and hold them close. Our colt girl has had more romantic, 'magic' airport (movieish) moments than one young girl should have. Last year, as he left, he leaned over the security line and tucked a necklace into her hands and said "So you don't forget me." She sighed and whispered back, "I could never forget you."
This year, parting was great sorrow. He almost missed his flight, he was hugging her so long then standing at the exit doors on the other side of security, watching and waving. Those moments are hers, tucked inside her heart. It made me reflect on my own moments.
Down memory lane we go......
Matty once took me above the city, played Journey and cuddled me as we watched the twinkling lights of the city. After a HUGE fight.
Hillary was born, Emily was born, Chellsei was born, Kaily was born, Savannah was born and finally, Harley was born. Those were intense magic moments.
When I say, 'Honey! I have an idea!' Matty (mostly) listens...even if it involves painting.
Reya was born.
My dad cried the day he gave me away.
Meeting friend in California. That was the MOST fun!
Going to Disneyland every year for 4 years.
....there are so many more. Most of them involve the girls, involve Matty, friends and family.
The colt girl's moments, those belong to her. I realized as I watched them watch each other from across and behind airport doors, that those moments didn't involve me. I watched him take steps to go through the doors that would bring him back to her arms. Watched her shoo him back, tears streaming down her face. I watched as an observer, one removed. Until I pulled her away, then it became part of my story. I sorrow a little. I am not quite ready for her to love someone this way. It was a magic moment that I only got to see, not be a part of. As her mother, my heart sorrowed a bit.
God blesses us with those moments when we aren't looking for them. Sometimes, we try to make them happen. The results of that aren't always what we hoped. As young girls, we hope and dream of our Prince Charming, and the moment he'll sweep us off our feet. Sometimes, the love story is just like that. Sometimes, it's not. But take heart, each moment IS written by the Author, the Creator of life.
Anything we may try to put into play, He sees and knows.
The best magic moment: The one where I realized that I am truly His beloved. I am His bride, He delights in me. There is a moment every day that I breathe easier knowing I belong to Him. Often it consists of Him reminding me that I haven't chatted with him lately....a loving whap on the head. Those moments when I know it's Him and Him alone that I can take comfort in. The breeze that blows my way after I pray for it, the phone call telling me someone loves me, the calm after I pray. That is Him. He is the greatest love story.
As we watch things unfold around us, I am reminded to find the magic in the every day. I don't want to miss it, don't want to be complacent. I don't know how colt girl's story will end...but I'm flattered to be an observer, if a little sad. Take some time today, friend, to enjoy Those Magic Moments. And don't blink, you might miss them.
Those moments begin to shape and define our world. We tuck them away, inside our hearts and hold them close. Our colt girl has had more romantic, 'magic' airport (movieish) moments than one young girl should have. Last year, as he left, he leaned over the security line and tucked a necklace into her hands and said "So you don't forget me." She sighed and whispered back, "I could never forget you."
This year, parting was great sorrow. He almost missed his flight, he was hugging her so long then standing at the exit doors on the other side of security, watching and waving. Those moments are hers, tucked inside her heart. It made me reflect on my own moments.
Down memory lane we go......
Matty once took me above the city, played Journey and cuddled me as we watched the twinkling lights of the city. After a HUGE fight.
Hillary was born, Emily was born, Chellsei was born, Kaily was born, Savannah was born and finally, Harley was born. Those were intense magic moments.
When I say, 'Honey! I have an idea!' Matty (mostly) listens...even if it involves painting.
Reya was born.
My dad cried the day he gave me away.
Meeting friend in California. That was the MOST fun!
Going to Disneyland every year for 4 years.
....there are so many more. Most of them involve the girls, involve Matty, friends and family.
The colt girl's moments, those belong to her. I realized as I watched them watch each other from across and behind airport doors, that those moments didn't involve me. I watched him take steps to go through the doors that would bring him back to her arms. Watched her shoo him back, tears streaming down her face. I watched as an observer, one removed. Until I pulled her away, then it became part of my story. I sorrow a little. I am not quite ready for her to love someone this way. It was a magic moment that I only got to see, not be a part of. As her mother, my heart sorrowed a bit.
God blesses us with those moments when we aren't looking for them. Sometimes, we try to make them happen. The results of that aren't always what we hoped. As young girls, we hope and dream of our Prince Charming, and the moment he'll sweep us off our feet. Sometimes, the love story is just like that. Sometimes, it's not. But take heart, each moment IS written by the Author, the Creator of life.
Anything we may try to put into play, He sees and knows.
The best magic moment: The one where I realized that I am truly His beloved. I am His bride, He delights in me. There is a moment every day that I breathe easier knowing I belong to Him. Often it consists of Him reminding me that I haven't chatted with him lately....a loving whap on the head. Those moments when I know it's Him and Him alone that I can take comfort in. The breeze that blows my way after I pray for it, the phone call telling me someone loves me, the calm after I pray. That is Him. He is the greatest love story.
As we watch things unfold around us, I am reminded to find the magic in the every day. I don't want to miss it, don't want to be complacent. I don't know how colt girl's story will end...but I'm flattered to be an observer, if a little sad. Take some time today, friend, to enjoy Those Magic Moments. And don't blink, you might miss them.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
The Absolute Truth
Disclaimer: The following deals with spousal abuse in absolute truth.
The Absolute Truth is this: I have no idea what I'm doing. I travel through life quickly, telling others my opinion, my story, my views. I tell people what they could do differently and what I think needs to be changed in their lives. But honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a wife/mother/friend/lover/enemy.
When Hillary was born, I had an idea of what being a mother and wife looked like. I would make dinner for my husband, our daughter would be perfect and I would be the best housekeeper ever. Instead, my house was a mess, my husband hit me and our daughter....well, she WAS perfect. She was my reason for living. When he started hitting me, I thought it was my fault. That somehow, I had created his animosity. I thought if I did better/looked better it would all be ok. It wasn't. I lived for 2 years under his rule. Once, I even told him I forgave him. I figured he must not know what he was doing....overtaken by rage, certainly he lost himself and didn't mean to hurt me. He quite nonchalantly informed me that he knew exactly what he was doing. People looked the other way, ignored the lumps and bruises and accepted my excuses of running into doors and cabinets. When his parents found out, they confirmed my worst fears: they said he wouldn't have to hit me if I kept a cleaner house.
Right before his birthday one year, I left. He had been hitting me and I saw our tiny daughter, not quite 2, cowering behind the recliner. All I could think was that I didn't want her to think it was okay. No way was I going to let her believe that was how SHE deserved to be treated. My vision changed of how to be a mother. I was 19, an abused woman and now single mother. I was scared. I had no idea how to do anything.
For years, I wondered why I had to go through that sorrow. The almost dying, the insecurity, the physical pain. And then I met someone. She was abused...her heart ached. I saw her. Recognized her. I had been her. She is still with her husband, but I pray someday she finds the courage to truly leave....or he truly changes. My ex never did. After our divorce, he killed a child. Spent 12 years in prison after pleading no contest. I thank God every day for delivering Hillary and I from that life.
As I had more children, I struggled to be the mother God intended me to be. I had 3 children in 3 years....add to that Hillary and my (ex)step-son. The Absolute Truth is: I was overwhelmed. I wasn't grown up, I was PLAYING grown up. Everything about me was sad. I was heavy, didn't take care of my house. I did take care of the kids...they were my world. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. They were always mine...never my 2nd husbands. My life was only complete as long as the children were in it. I couldn't picture my life after they were grown....couldn't picture my home empty, children gone their own directions. Slowly, things changed. I went through my selfish phase, met Matty and finally grew up.
The Absolute Truth? I can picture our life after the girls are gone. I'm loving being a grandma and I'm excited to watch the girls grow. My heart aches when I think they will be hurt, my heart sorrows when they are sad. I want to protect them, but I know they need to fly away.....and experience the life God has planned for them. My plan seldom is His plan. I always want things to be just so, and they rarely ever are. I can see where sometimes my plan does align up with His...but it's typically AFTER I've given up. I'm stubborn. Looking back over my own life, I see where the road would've been different. I was meant to marry Matty....I just went the hard way around the mountain instead of just waiting for God to unfold the path across it. And that's the way He works. I don't blame Him for the abuse, never did. I questioned Him, but that's okay. Sometimes there were answers, sometimes there was silence. Sometimes it was years before I got the answer I looked for.
The Absolute Truth: He allowed me to travel around the mountain that is my life. He allowed me to stay and wallow in the pit of my own making. Then He took my decisions and fashioned great things out of them. He allowed me to finally look past myself into the great big world and find joy in the things that brought me sorrow. He allows me glimpses of each girls future, reassuring me that He's got them. And no one can snatch them away. He is the King. I am His child, His beloved.
The Absolute Truth: If you are being hurt please know that it is NOT okay. You are worth more than the sum of one person's fist, the sum of what the world overlooks. You may not feel it, but you ARE precious in His sight. He sees the sparrow, believe me my dear one, He sees YOU! In the darkness, He is the light. Tomorrow is Easter. The day He died, took all my sin (and yours) and provided a way to live with Him forever. The story didn't end there...He rose again. He lives today.
The Absolute Truth: I'm feeling somber today. I wait and watch to see how a plan will unfold. For me, that is nerve wracking. Truth....He already knows how it unfolds....across the mountain we go.
The Absolute Truth is this: I have no idea what I'm doing. I travel through life quickly, telling others my opinion, my story, my views. I tell people what they could do differently and what I think needs to be changed in their lives. But honestly, I have no idea. I'm just a wife/mother/friend/lover/enemy.
When Hillary was born, I had an idea of what being a mother and wife looked like. I would make dinner for my husband, our daughter would be perfect and I would be the best housekeeper ever. Instead, my house was a mess, my husband hit me and our daughter....well, she WAS perfect. She was my reason for living. When he started hitting me, I thought it was my fault. That somehow, I had created his animosity. I thought if I did better/looked better it would all be ok. It wasn't. I lived for 2 years under his rule. Once, I even told him I forgave him. I figured he must not know what he was doing....overtaken by rage, certainly he lost himself and didn't mean to hurt me. He quite nonchalantly informed me that he knew exactly what he was doing. People looked the other way, ignored the lumps and bruises and accepted my excuses of running into doors and cabinets. When his parents found out, they confirmed my worst fears: they said he wouldn't have to hit me if I kept a cleaner house.
Right before his birthday one year, I left. He had been hitting me and I saw our tiny daughter, not quite 2, cowering behind the recliner. All I could think was that I didn't want her to think it was okay. No way was I going to let her believe that was how SHE deserved to be treated. My vision changed of how to be a mother. I was 19, an abused woman and now single mother. I was scared. I had no idea how to do anything.
For years, I wondered why I had to go through that sorrow. The almost dying, the insecurity, the physical pain. And then I met someone. She was abused...her heart ached. I saw her. Recognized her. I had been her. She is still with her husband, but I pray someday she finds the courage to truly leave....or he truly changes. My ex never did. After our divorce, he killed a child. Spent 12 years in prison after pleading no contest. I thank God every day for delivering Hillary and I from that life.
As I had more children, I struggled to be the mother God intended me to be. I had 3 children in 3 years....add to that Hillary and my (ex)step-son. The Absolute Truth is: I was overwhelmed. I wasn't grown up, I was PLAYING grown up. Everything about me was sad. I was heavy, didn't take care of my house. I did take care of the kids...they were my world. I couldn't imagine my life without my children. They were always mine...never my 2nd husbands. My life was only complete as long as the children were in it. I couldn't picture my life after they were grown....couldn't picture my home empty, children gone their own directions. Slowly, things changed. I went through my selfish phase, met Matty and finally grew up.
The Absolute Truth? I can picture our life after the girls are gone. I'm loving being a grandma and I'm excited to watch the girls grow. My heart aches when I think they will be hurt, my heart sorrows when they are sad. I want to protect them, but I know they need to fly away.....and experience the life God has planned for them. My plan seldom is His plan. I always want things to be just so, and they rarely ever are. I can see where sometimes my plan does align up with His...but it's typically AFTER I've given up. I'm stubborn. Looking back over my own life, I see where the road would've been different. I was meant to marry Matty....I just went the hard way around the mountain instead of just waiting for God to unfold the path across it. And that's the way He works. I don't blame Him for the abuse, never did. I questioned Him, but that's okay. Sometimes there were answers, sometimes there was silence. Sometimes it was years before I got the answer I looked for.
The Absolute Truth: He allowed me to travel around the mountain that is my life. He allowed me to stay and wallow in the pit of my own making. Then He took my decisions and fashioned great things out of them. He allowed me to finally look past myself into the great big world and find joy in the things that brought me sorrow. He allows me glimpses of each girls future, reassuring me that He's got them. And no one can snatch them away. He is the King. I am His child, His beloved.
The Absolute Truth: If you are being hurt please know that it is NOT okay. You are worth more than the sum of one person's fist, the sum of what the world overlooks. You may not feel it, but you ARE precious in His sight. He sees the sparrow, believe me my dear one, He sees YOU! In the darkness, He is the light. Tomorrow is Easter. The day He died, took all my sin (and yours) and provided a way to live with Him forever. The story didn't end there...He rose again. He lives today.
The Absolute Truth: I'm feeling somber today. I wait and watch to see how a plan will unfold. For me, that is nerve wracking. Truth....He already knows how it unfolds....across the mountain we go.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Equality of It All
There has been a lot in the news about equality. You know what I'm talking about. But let's take it somewhere different. Let's talk about inside a marriage. God's original design for marriage was that a man and a woman would compliment each other. He created Adam, and from Adam created Eve. She was his 'helpmeet', his match in all things. Yet, this same woman...beautiful, certainly shaped well helpmeet.....was also the down fall. Adam was by no means innocent. I mean seriously, dude, your wife was talking to a snake! As she took that bite, he stood by, perhaps waiting to see if she'd fall dead. When she didn't, he bit too. Thus began the equality war.
I'm too young to be a part of the 'burning bra' movement. But I've heard about it. And i grew up in a household where my mom was the spiritual leader. Spiritual leader=LEADER in my head. After I got married the first time, I lived through 2 years of horrible abuse. Almost died. After that marriage, I swore I would never let any man dominate me again. This thought process now leads to a lot of struggle in my household. Matty would never hurt me, never cause me physical pain. Emotionally, I think everyone batters each other some. (even you) But I struggle to be his equal....even his leader. And I'm sure some of that has to do with the fact that I am 4 years older....I've lived more life and I believe I know everything. HA!
I tell our girls that their husband is to be their guide, the strength of their household. Yet...I don't always live that. And I pray about it. A LOT. Maybe not enough. Here's the truth. I try to make dinner every night he is home at dinner time. I believe he is worthy of a hot meal after a long day at work. If he's working, I set him a plate in the fridge...I get his food before I get mine. I try to keep our home a place he enjoys coming home to. I make sure his laundry is done. I try to choose movies he would enjoy. In return, he provides for our family. He gets up every morning and makes breakfast for the girls and takes the littles to school. He hangs the clothes up in the closet, because i HATE that. Aside from the leadership struggle, we have a marriage of equality. I still make bad choices and he still does annoying things. Thus is marriage.
We talk about equality. We want it in everything. We all want the same size piece of pie. But sometimes, it's not about that. Sometimes we take equality to another level. We decide that we want it, must have it. At any cost. Where is the line drawn? Where do we decide it's not ok? I desire to be my husbands helper. I desire to allow him to be the head of our household. I desire him to guide and lead our family. Sometimes he forgets, so I take the reins. And I have to remind myself not to take bite out of that apple. I step back, hand the reins off and try not to think about what I want to do differently. Inside of marriage, the equality is the blessing to be taken care of. To be loved through my faults, to whisper 'I love you' in the night and have it whispered back. To know that he trusts me to raise his children, and that I trust him to never hurt me.
I have a very strong personality. (duh, right??) I know that is how God created me. I have, believe it or not, tempered it quite a bit. But in this, the Equality of It All....I struggle. So, friends, pray for me. I want to be all God designed me to be, wife, mother, helpmeet. And I REALLY like apples.......
funny thing: Kaily's young man said that American girls are much different from the ones in his place of origin. Said they appear to want to be more equal.
I'm too young to be a part of the 'burning bra' movement. But I've heard about it. And i grew up in a household where my mom was the spiritual leader. Spiritual leader=LEADER in my head. After I got married the first time, I lived through 2 years of horrible abuse. Almost died. After that marriage, I swore I would never let any man dominate me again. This thought process now leads to a lot of struggle in my household. Matty would never hurt me, never cause me physical pain. Emotionally, I think everyone batters each other some. (even you) But I struggle to be his equal....even his leader. And I'm sure some of that has to do with the fact that I am 4 years older....I've lived more life and I believe I know everything. HA!
I tell our girls that their husband is to be their guide, the strength of their household. Yet...I don't always live that. And I pray about it. A LOT. Maybe not enough. Here's the truth. I try to make dinner every night he is home at dinner time. I believe he is worthy of a hot meal after a long day at work. If he's working, I set him a plate in the fridge...I get his food before I get mine. I try to keep our home a place he enjoys coming home to. I make sure his laundry is done. I try to choose movies he would enjoy. In return, he provides for our family. He gets up every morning and makes breakfast for the girls and takes the littles to school. He hangs the clothes up in the closet, because i HATE that. Aside from the leadership struggle, we have a marriage of equality. I still make bad choices and he still does annoying things. Thus is marriage.
We talk about equality. We want it in everything. We all want the same size piece of pie. But sometimes, it's not about that. Sometimes we take equality to another level. We decide that we want it, must have it. At any cost. Where is the line drawn? Where do we decide it's not ok? I desire to be my husbands helper. I desire to allow him to be the head of our household. I desire him to guide and lead our family. Sometimes he forgets, so I take the reins. And I have to remind myself not to take bite out of that apple. I step back, hand the reins off and try not to think about what I want to do differently. Inside of marriage, the equality is the blessing to be taken care of. To be loved through my faults, to whisper 'I love you' in the night and have it whispered back. To know that he trusts me to raise his children, and that I trust him to never hurt me.
I have a very strong personality. (duh, right??) I know that is how God created me. I have, believe it or not, tempered it quite a bit. But in this, the Equality of It All....I struggle. So, friends, pray for me. I want to be all God designed me to be, wife, mother, helpmeet. And I REALLY like apples.......
funny thing: Kaily's young man said that American girls are much different from the ones in his place of origin. Said they appear to want to be more equal.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Right Here, Right Now
Right here, right now all is well in our corner of humanity. Emily is safely back at college, dating a nice boy who brings her flowers. Hillary is raising our grand girl well, her husband helicoptering around her. Chellsei has applied to college and appears on track to be accepted into more than one. Kaily is finishing up junior year strong, her crazy German is here visiting her. Savannah is going to her first dance on Wednesday, her dress makes her look very grown up. Harley started a prayer 'cup' at home, her requests are often for family time or others to know Christ. Matty loves his job, heading into college later this summer to become a C.N.A. And me....well, I'm actually kind of cranky. But that is just the way it is right now.
Any moment, these things can change. In the blink of an eye, the whole world can fall apart. One year ago, we were getting ready to go to Disneyland. Shortly after that, Matty lost his job and our world was turned upside down. We survived, pulled ourselves up and have settled into a normal. It doesn't always happen that way. We're just blessed with God's grace through it.
A week ago, I realized that this time next year, Kaily will be graduating. And then headed off to college. Emily will be a junior in college later that fall. And we will only have 2 girls at home. As a woman who has defined herself as "mom of 6 girls" I'm not quite sure what this new puzzle will look like. It will be quieter and Savannah and Harley will have their own rooms. We'll even have an extra room for t.v.s and such. In another few years, we could have more than one son in law and perhaps even more grandchildren. Right here, right now.....everything is still the normal we've created.
In a couple weeks, Kaily's Simon will be going home. And by home, I mean Germany. Right here, right now they're looking at the next couple weeks with joy. I see ahead to the last moments at the airport. She cried for 2 days last time....I'm sure it will be harder this time. How often do we not enjoy the right here and now? How often do we allow the thought of the "after" effect us? How often do we skip over the good parts because we know the bad parts are coming? And maybe they're not even bad....just different from what we want. We get stuck in the struggle of what we think will happen rather than enjoy what IS happening. Our minds get so caught up in what we don't want to happen.
We get stuck. Stuck in the way we wish the world was different, our own lives different. We get stuck thinking of all the things we have to do and ignore the things we GET to do. We live so often for the tomorrows that may or may not come, we forget to live for the right here, right now. I want the girls to enjoy their moments. I've never had a boy fly across the world to see me...what a story she can someday tell. It's been a long time since I've gotten flowers, what a memory for Emily. Hillary gets to go through all those amazing milestones that moms get to see...what joy for her and Jeremy! Chellsei is following what the Lord wants for her, what a testimony to the world. Savannah will always remember her first dance...and that her fabulous dress only cost $3.00! Harley gets to enjoy sharing the gospel, what a blessing to those around her. Matty gained self confidence this year, what a strength to our family! Me....well, i see all around me the ways God has provided. I've seen His hand in all aspects of my life over the past year. He has reminded me that tomorrow takes care of itself. Whatever struggles you have....He sees them. He shoulders them and doesn't want you to try to carry them on your own. He doesn't want you to live in the 'after'. He wants you to live in the Right Here, Right Now.
So do it. Whatever you're doing, enjoy it. See it as the gift this day is, this moment is. Take the joy (even if you think there is none) and be willing to live it. Right here, Right now.
And...don't forget to eat dessert. Life is too short to ignore sugary goodness.
Any moment, these things can change. In the blink of an eye, the whole world can fall apart. One year ago, we were getting ready to go to Disneyland. Shortly after that, Matty lost his job and our world was turned upside down. We survived, pulled ourselves up and have settled into a normal. It doesn't always happen that way. We're just blessed with God's grace through it.
A week ago, I realized that this time next year, Kaily will be graduating. And then headed off to college. Emily will be a junior in college later that fall. And we will only have 2 girls at home. As a woman who has defined herself as "mom of 6 girls" I'm not quite sure what this new puzzle will look like. It will be quieter and Savannah and Harley will have their own rooms. We'll even have an extra room for t.v.s and such. In another few years, we could have more than one son in law and perhaps even more grandchildren. Right here, right now.....everything is still the normal we've created.
In a couple weeks, Kaily's Simon will be going home. And by home, I mean Germany. Right here, right now they're looking at the next couple weeks with joy. I see ahead to the last moments at the airport. She cried for 2 days last time....I'm sure it will be harder this time. How often do we not enjoy the right here and now? How often do we allow the thought of the "after" effect us? How often do we skip over the good parts because we know the bad parts are coming? And maybe they're not even bad....just different from what we want. We get stuck in the struggle of what we think will happen rather than enjoy what IS happening. Our minds get so caught up in what we don't want to happen.
We get stuck. Stuck in the way we wish the world was different, our own lives different. We get stuck thinking of all the things we have to do and ignore the things we GET to do. We live so often for the tomorrows that may or may not come, we forget to live for the right here, right now. I want the girls to enjoy their moments. I've never had a boy fly across the world to see me...what a story she can someday tell. It's been a long time since I've gotten flowers, what a memory for Emily. Hillary gets to go through all those amazing milestones that moms get to see...what joy for her and Jeremy! Chellsei is following what the Lord wants for her, what a testimony to the world. Savannah will always remember her first dance...and that her fabulous dress only cost $3.00! Harley gets to enjoy sharing the gospel, what a blessing to those around her. Matty gained self confidence this year, what a strength to our family! Me....well, i see all around me the ways God has provided. I've seen His hand in all aspects of my life over the past year. He has reminded me that tomorrow takes care of itself. Whatever struggles you have....He sees them. He shoulders them and doesn't want you to try to carry them on your own. He doesn't want you to live in the 'after'. He wants you to live in the Right Here, Right Now.
So do it. Whatever you're doing, enjoy it. See it as the gift this day is, this moment is. Take the joy (even if you think there is none) and be willing to live it. Right here, Right now.
And...don't forget to eat dessert. Life is too short to ignore sugary goodness.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
The Blueprint
Take just a minute to think about this: From before God created life on earth, He had a blueprint of YOUR life. He had an intricate plan in His mind, a plan for His glory and goodness. A plan, that sadly, we often veer from. Except tonight, I realized that in His blueprint of MY life He had 6 daughters....also blueprinted and intricately planned and taken care of. Wow.
After my last blog, someone suggested that I should stop living in the past. My take away from that was that they thought I live under my sins. But, here's the reality. I don't. I bring up my past because I want all those people who may have fallen to know that there IS hope. You don't have to live in that pit, don't have to struggle under the weight of what you think is unforgivable. You may wander away from His plan, the blueprint of your life, but He is still there. Watching and loving. And eventually, you arrive at the place He had planned you to be. What a sweet story...sweet and full of grace.
I'm not sweet, but I have been washed in His grace. (ok, I can be sweet sometimes) I have been cleansed by His blood. I am what you would call a "cradle christian". I've known the Lord for as long as I can remember. I don't have that huge "AH HA" moment that Matty has. (he's only been a christian for about 9 years) I just remember loving the Lord. I have had those moments of reaffirming my belief and my relationship. And I've had those moments of choosing to walk away from what He wants...even as I knew He was trying to keep me close.
I watched a movie today, which is where I got the blueprint idea, and one of the main characters had chosen a sin. She said that she was a "church" girl, and church girls didn't do certain things. And when she did a 'certain' thing, which resulted in a certain thing which led to another certain thing. Which led to a lifetime of regret and sorrow. The character then went on to say that you also didn't talk about those certain things. Not because of God, but because of the other people in her life. While this was a fictional story, there is so much truth in it. And that, dear ones, is why I blog. I talk about the 'certain' things others would rather forget. You don't have to tell me your sin, you don't have to agree with me. But please believe me when I say, I only write what God says to write.
When I first started my blog, it was with major trepidation and fear. What if people read it? What if people I KNOW read it?? What if they didn't like me anymore??? Well, maybe they didn't like me to begin with?! And then God just said, WRITE. So I did and I do. Sometimes, it starts out with me being angry. Somehow, it always turns into praise. For Him. And sometimes, it's the only way I can say anything at all. Our girls are often in my writings...they read every one before published or shortly after. So just in case you thought they didn't know....they do. Except for our little girls...would like to keep them young as long as possible.
God's blueprint for my life is creatively drawn. I'm sure it shows all the side trips I've taken, the pit I chose to live in, the lines that have stayed true to His design. I thank Him every day that He stuck with me, kept me close and by His side. That even when I was choosing a path less than His, He waited for me to come back. His arms never closed, He never stopped loving me. I have a physical representation of His grace. I am blessed to call her my daughter. He could've taken her like He did with David and Bathsheba. But He didn't. Instead, He let me be her mother. She doesn't know the impact and the reality of who she is in my life. But, He does. He knew, so very long ago, that I would be created and in my blueprint were 6 daughters. And among those 6 daughters would be a girl who would be His grace to me. I never could've known. Until I started making those 'certain' choices, I never would've believed my blueprint could be so smudged. Now, so many years later, the smudges have become part of my story. A story that every time I tell, I have fear in my heart. But He nudges me on, encouraging me to tell it with all the 'certain' things on the table. He reminds me that He is bigger than where I've been, more than I ever need. He reminds me of His grace, His blood that saved me. And after that, I am light...free and solidly Beloved. It is this that keeps me going. Keeps me writing. I don't know who you are...don't know where you are or even if you know Him. But I know that He wants you. He wants you to know you are His, and you have been created with an intact blueprint. He has a plan for your life, no matter how you try to mess it up.
Please know that I love each of you. If you ask me a question, I will answer honestly. I don't have to know who you are...He does. I do know this. YOU are part of my blueprint. What a blessing you are in my life!
After my last blog, someone suggested that I should stop living in the past. My take away from that was that they thought I live under my sins. But, here's the reality. I don't. I bring up my past because I want all those people who may have fallen to know that there IS hope. You don't have to live in that pit, don't have to struggle under the weight of what you think is unforgivable. You may wander away from His plan, the blueprint of your life, but He is still there. Watching and loving. And eventually, you arrive at the place He had planned you to be. What a sweet story...sweet and full of grace.
I'm not sweet, but I have been washed in His grace. (ok, I can be sweet sometimes) I have been cleansed by His blood. I am what you would call a "cradle christian". I've known the Lord for as long as I can remember. I don't have that huge "AH HA" moment that Matty has. (he's only been a christian for about 9 years) I just remember loving the Lord. I have had those moments of reaffirming my belief and my relationship. And I've had those moments of choosing to walk away from what He wants...even as I knew He was trying to keep me close.
I watched a movie today, which is where I got the blueprint idea, and one of the main characters had chosen a sin. She said that she was a "church" girl, and church girls didn't do certain things. And when she did a 'certain' thing, which resulted in a certain thing which led to another certain thing. Which led to a lifetime of regret and sorrow. The character then went on to say that you also didn't talk about those certain things. Not because of God, but because of the other people in her life. While this was a fictional story, there is so much truth in it. And that, dear ones, is why I blog. I talk about the 'certain' things others would rather forget. You don't have to tell me your sin, you don't have to agree with me. But please believe me when I say, I only write what God says to write.
When I first started my blog, it was with major trepidation and fear. What if people read it? What if people I KNOW read it?? What if they didn't like me anymore??? Well, maybe they didn't like me to begin with?! And then God just said, WRITE. So I did and I do. Sometimes, it starts out with me being angry. Somehow, it always turns into praise. For Him. And sometimes, it's the only way I can say anything at all. Our girls are often in my writings...they read every one before published or shortly after. So just in case you thought they didn't know....they do. Except for our little girls...would like to keep them young as long as possible.
God's blueprint for my life is creatively drawn. I'm sure it shows all the side trips I've taken, the pit I chose to live in, the lines that have stayed true to His design. I thank Him every day that He stuck with me, kept me close and by His side. That even when I was choosing a path less than His, He waited for me to come back. His arms never closed, He never stopped loving me. I have a physical representation of His grace. I am blessed to call her my daughter. He could've taken her like He did with David and Bathsheba. But He didn't. Instead, He let me be her mother. She doesn't know the impact and the reality of who she is in my life. But, He does. He knew, so very long ago, that I would be created and in my blueprint were 6 daughters. And among those 6 daughters would be a girl who would be His grace to me. I never could've known. Until I started making those 'certain' choices, I never would've believed my blueprint could be so smudged. Now, so many years later, the smudges have become part of my story. A story that every time I tell, I have fear in my heart. But He nudges me on, encouraging me to tell it with all the 'certain' things on the table. He reminds me that He is bigger than where I've been, more than I ever need. He reminds me of His grace, His blood that saved me. And after that, I am light...free and solidly Beloved. It is this that keeps me going. Keeps me writing. I don't know who you are...don't know where you are or even if you know Him. But I know that He wants you. He wants you to know you are His, and you have been created with an intact blueprint. He has a plan for your life, no matter how you try to mess it up.
Please know that I love each of you. If you ask me a question, I will answer honestly. I don't have to know who you are...He does. I do know this. YOU are part of my blueprint. What a blessing you are in my life!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)