The "Bad" Me

So, here is a secret: I have a "BAD" me. *GASP*....Oh the HORROR! Bad me likes to listen to non-christian music and occasionally watch "R" rated movies. Bad me wishes I could kick people who frustrate me. Bad me wishes that all her children would just GROW UP already. Bad me wants to eat chocolate all day and watch reality t.v. Those shows are like a train wreck....you just can't look away. Bad me sometimes want to run away to a desert island with nothing but herself and a Starbucks. There are other things that bad me wants to do and I have to constantly keep "her" in check. I know that being a christian, I should do better. However, I also know that it's a constant battle. Paul even said as much. We are almost always taught that if we are doing everything "right", our lives will flow perfectly. If we just wouldn't do this thing or that thing then everything will be peachy. We live in a misconception that if we keep ourselves in check, God will love us more. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do so that God will love me more. He loves me immensely. That doesn't change just because "BAD" me comes out once in a while. Sometimes, we apply the "keep in check" rule to our families. We think that if we just do "this" or "that", then the people we love will always love us. The truth is, sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, I am downright hard to love. I know it....but I don't stop being difficult. Sometimes, it's hard to love my kids. Yet, deep down...ingrained in my soul is a love that doesn't depend on feeling. It's a love that overcomes frustration, a love that hits so hard that I can't breathe. I've had that love hit many times: with children, with Matty, with my parents and my niece and nephew....friends. It's at those times, I just look up at the Lord with awe and wonder. I realize that if I love MY earthly family in such a way, His love for me is boundless. It has no limit and no size. He will not get tired of me, He will not discard me, He will not STOP loving me. "BAD" me does not discourage the Lord, does not make Him walk away. He will nudge me, remind me that what I may be doing is not glorifying to Him. He will perhaps even discipline me. But He WILL NOT LEAVE ME. We pretend to be "perfect". Pretend that the "BAD" one is never free to roam, that we are in total control. Well, pretend all you want my friend. I'm through. Sometimes the BAD me does come out. Sometimes I make unwise choices. Sometimes I even let those choices rule me. I never excuse....just learn....and I want to continue to do so. He will continue to pick me up, dust me off and love me all the more. And for that, I am grateful. If you happen to hear of a desert island with a Starbucks on it, let me know. I'm looking to relocate.

The Circle

I have returned. Triumphant and all full of Disney memories. It was fabulous. Until we took Harley on Indiana Jones. The first day. Our very FIRST ride. Then it was not so much great. Plus, she had a cold the first few days. I really, really, REALLY wanted this to be fantastic for her.Ugh! But, we took it in stride (I only told her she had to ride Indy again about 50 BILLION times....she didn't) and moved along with our days. And it was fun. Our first day, we met Cinderella. Harley was a happy girl. It was easy to forget things. But as soon as we were back, everything piled up on me. Girl Scouts, Awana, Hillary's wedding/baby, Emily's graduation and party. Chellsei's birthday. Matty's Birthday. I feel like there is this magical circle and everyone else gets to be inside but me. I watch other people say "Hi" to each other, wait for someone to say "Hi" to me. I stand on the perimeter, waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be wanted. I have such expectation. It really isn't fair. I know that sometimes I have this force field around me, shielding me from the outside world....pretending I don't care. When inside, I'm yelling...."Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" And I know that is my little girl self. The insecure, not "enough" little girl who hides inside. She doesn't come out all the time. Just when I'm lonely. I feel like I try to build relationships and then after a while, they just crumble....or get like a sponge. Just kind of sit there, lukewarm and mushy. I don't like mushy. That is not who I want to be. How can I teach the girls anything if I am not learning anything?? I mean, really! And so I need to learn. I need to grow and stop letting "little girl" me take over "big girl" me. I am almost 40 years old, about to be a grandma. I should know better! However, I am also human, with emotion and insecurities. There are sometimes, I am just in your face confident and strong. Nothing will get me down. But then, the circle appears and I am once again on the perimeter. I shake it off, pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I want to be loved, not just by Matty but by my peers. I will walk into the "Circle". I will tread quietly and carefully. I will be bold and say "Hi". I will love with the hope of being loved back. I am loved by God. And Matty. And 6 beautiful and wonderful blessing. I know I'm loved by more than that....sometimes, I just don't feel it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to "feel" it and just KNOW it. Have you ever felt on the outside of a magic circle? It would be nice to know if you've ever felt this way....then I would know that I am perhaps a little normal...no matter how "special" you all really think I am! :D

Tethers

One week. One week until I am in my "happy" place. I love Disneyland. I think it's because I can run around like a child and no one makes fun of me because they're all doing it too! I love the carefree environment, the way the workers always smile and say "Hi" and I LOVE the people in costumes. I can hug a princess, dance with a pirate and even talk to Peter Pan. I can forget everything that is going on in the "real" world.
Last night, I REALLY wanted to run away and never come back. I would've moved right in with those fairies or lived underground with the pirates. Being a parent is hard. Being the parent of a teen adult is harder. At what point do you let go and keep letting the tether out? When are you supposed to reel them back in? My heart aches when I see the children running headlong into danger. There is no Larry Boy to save them. I want to grab the tether and yank as hard as I can. I want to pull them back in time, to a more innocent age. Don't misunderstand, they haven't done anything super horrible....just enough to cause me to have nightmares.
In this specific situation, the internet plays the part of the villain. And low self esteem the villains evil assistant. When a person, who's age shall remain a mystery, disregards a fathers request, there is a problem. When that same person, who is OLD enough to know better, refers to us as "dumb*donkeys* and informs us that we could learn a thing or two from our teen adult...we have a problem. When said father informs the OLD enough to know better person to back it off, the OLD enough guy says he will but only(and I quote)"..because I don't want her to suffer your abuse". WHAT?
I am reminded that the internet is a catch all. It is good vs evil every day. And predators abound. We have had a run in with one. And my heart hurts because she felt so bad about herself that she was willing to take whatever anyone, including OLD enough to know better guy, would tell her. She feels less than. I remember that. The grasping whatever I could to feel like I was someone. It's scary to realize he was "grooming" her.
I feel like I've failed. Yet, in reality, there isn't much I could do. I've told her she's lovely, told her she's smart, reminded her she's MORE than and that truly she is a princess in her own right. She is daughter of the King. THE KING! She may not have Larry Boy to save her, but she does have the best safety net of all. It hurt when we went through "growing pains" with Hillary. It hurts going through it with this girl. I don't think it will stop. But I can take comfort knowing that He will carry me as I try to nurture her. More than that, He will carry her.

One week....then I'm out of here. I get the joy of watching these teens turn into little girls. I get the joy of seeing Harley's face light up when she meets Cinderella. And Savannah as she goes on Haunted Mansion. My heart is full.....and also giddy! :D

See you on the flip side!

My "To-Do" List

Yesterday, my dog got to do what he was born to do: chase ducks, geese and swans. Yes, I said swans. All these birds were in a pond. In a cemetery. He got off his leash AND collar. Ran away from Emily and her friend. And happily leaped into frigid water to follow his doggie instinct. Emily called us frantically. We arrived to find our almost 2 year old puppy swimming after water fowl to his hearts content. If we weren't so concerned with how on earth we were going to get him out (calling him did NOT work), we would've laughed ourselves silly. Plus, we were worried the 5-0 might show. I don't think it's ok for dogs to swim in a cemetery pond and chase water fowl...at night especially. At some point (1/2 hour later) he crawled up to the embankment and his "daddy" grabbed his tail and held on tight. After a warm bath he settled down with some contentment, I'm sure dreaming of swans.

Today, I started thinking about what I was born to do. Certainly not to camp. UGH. Most assuredly not to have boys...hahahahaha. (attempt at humor) So what is it?

Recently, I have had a run in with someone I have to "work" with. And it's continuous. I am being bullied. It's a difficult situation. I have no choice, I must work with this person....often. So in this case, I am meant to love her. I don't have to like it, she doesn't have to like it...but I have to do it. We are called to love our brothers and sisters. And she is, a sister. That makes it harder. Harder to endure and tougher to even WANT to love her. I'm trying.

At 17, when I became a mother, I still had plans for my life. I was going to be "someone". As the children continued coming, all that got pushed aside. As a SAHM, while people say it's "noble", there is often a "but" attached. It's like people think SAHMs cease intellectually. And so I started feeling like there must be MORE. I should be doing something ELSE. Never mind that I was in AWANA, teaching Sunday School and "Cooking Mom" for a kindergarten class. Forget that I made dinner every night, did laundry and still went to volleyball games. (yes, Hillary. We went to EVERY game) I still felt like I should be doing MORE. I felt like there was a specific SOMETHING and I was missing it. I imagined my life was one big trip across the ocean and I had missed the boat. I was swimming to catch up.

And then one day, I swam right into an island. God said to me "You're raising my children." Peace settled my heart, His voice lingered in my ear. He was right. I was reminded that they aren't MINE. These daughters. They are HIS! And He wanted ME, didn't graduate, scarlet letter, upside down ME to raise them up. OH MY GOODNESS! I was doing what I was meant to do!

I may not always do it right. There are days when I question His judgement on why He thought I would be a good mother to these girls. I mean they. ARE. AMAZING. And I don't always feel worthy of that amazing-ness. Yet, as I sat in church this past Sunday, I thought about how much different they could be. More like me as a teen, or more like some people who shall remain nameless. There could be many different things they could be trying, doing etc. But they haven't. I pray that my pattern of sin stop with me. And I see God honoring my heart for the girls. No, they don't always make wise choices and just recently I've started praying that when one of them practices deceit, God would cause her pain. (mean, I know) Yet...truly we are blessed. We are honest with our daughters, we laugh with them and we cry. We apologize when we are wrong. And we know that if the worst thing they do is dye their hair or pierce something, we've got it good. Golly, even tattoos are better than some alternatives!

So what I'm meant to do it this: love, laugh, discipline, grow, learn, teach, cry....and so forth. I am blessed to have a fantastic partner on this journey...he helps keep me grounded. Also, I am blessed to have an Author who loves me so much and believed in me even before I was born. These daughters are a gift...I'm glad I never saw it any other way.


I wish I could've taken a picture of Murphy, the wonder dog. Funnier still was Matty running around the inside of the fence trying to catch the slippery fellow....but don't tell him I said that.....

My Olden days

Tonight, the Little Bit said a typewriter was from "the olden days". And just the other day, one of the girls said 80's music was "oldies". I was APPALLED! I used to use a typewriter and it's no secret that I LOVE Duran Duran. ( :p to my friend...you know who you are!) This whole conversation got me thinking about my parents. My mom is a bit kooky. A bit of an odd duck. I swore when I was younger, before I had children, that she would never be allowed to speak to my kids. The darndest things come out of that woman's mouth. Once, she asked me if anyone thought I was ugly. I didn't quite know how to answer that one.

I realize that my experience growing up was one a bit different than others. Once you get past all the stuff they wouldn't want me to say (which I am not saying), you get to the part where we were poor. All my clothes came from Goodwill...before it was in style to buy clothing at thrift stores. And when I did get "in style" clothing, they weren't even the right style! (stirrup pants, mom) That made it harder in high school. But I plugged along. Pegged my jeans, cut my sweatshirts and wore skin tight, super short skirts. Anyone who grew up in the 80's knows EXACTLY the style I'm talking about. AND...I rocked my L.A. Gears. With slouch socks.

We owned a pizza place. My dad hunted for our food. Found it on our table once when I got home from school....splayed open and being cut up. Blech! No telephone until I was 13! Can you imagine?! And then it was a PARTY LINE! We lived off well water....and it collected bugs. We had a chicken that rode in our car and my alarm clock was a giant collie named Lazer. I had to chop firewood....and bring it in. (yuck) I went to elementary school where there were 2 grades per room. 8 kids in my 6th grade class. I swore I would never, EVER, live in a town that tiny. Everyone knew everything about everyone before it happened.

We moved around alot until I was 11. Our home base had always been the little house on Cedar Creek Road. It's still there. My dad shoveled stairs out of dirt for me to climb up an embankment. Our dog Sheba is buried there. And more than half the people who lived on that road still live there. Once we had a dog named Toss-Up. My dad had to shoot her because she was chasing down sheep. Shot her right in the head. Buried her. 2 days later she came trotting back to the house. Never went near my dad. Didn't have any odd issues either. If you don't believe me, ask my parents. It's all true.

We had some bad times....arguments, fighting, not enough food. Only wood heat, no carpet. Yet, I do remember all the good times. My mom once wrapped all our Christmas gifts and put them into giant boxes. When we opened the giant box, all these presents were in them. I felt like I had hit the mother lode. Found out, years later, that she did that so we wouldn't realize how little we'd actually gotten. I remember food fights in the house, the water fights that followed. Sleepovers. Making dinner for my parents. Babysitting my sister. (eesh) Our giant picture windows. And all the trees. And the rain....I do miss the rain. It was hard, growing up that way. People scoff, but I hated it. I miss our pizza (yummier than the best pizza you can think of), but I don't miss that kind of living. So when my kiddos talk about the "olden days", my mind goes back to Cottage Grove. Some good, some bad. And I wonder....what will their "olden days" be? Where will their minds go? I hope to our little house, always brimming with teenagers. I hope they will remember Christmas mornings like this years, when they realized that most of my presents were in a Wal-Mart bag under Emily's bed....or last years with the great Nyquil debacle. I hope they remember when "spiders came to play" and how I decorated the house with them...so many pictures! I'm sure they won't all be great memories...but I'm trying my best.


FYI: I do NOT eat game meat of any kind. After growing up on it....well, I just can't. I do, however, listen to Duran Duran whenever I can. Just remember, God is good all the time, and ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!

Knowing Me

Do you know me? Perhaps. Or maybe not. If we were to just meet and you'd never seen or read anything about me....who would I be to you? Would you define me by my clothes, who's mom I am and what my husband does? Maybe even what church I go to. Life doesn't have to be that....

How often I look around and watch people. Wondering what they're thinking, what their life story is. Who has what, and do I have more than? I start with the obvious. , hair, jewelry. In a millisecond, I can take in what a person is wearing and driving. I can decide if I will like someone or if I want them to like me. In my head, I figure out if it's worthwhile or not to talk. Those that I deem "high above" I stay away from. There are just certain people that intimidate me. I always try to get to Sunday School early so I can find a place to sit. Go in late and everyone looks at you and there isn't any space. I hate that.

I talk some of insecurity on here. Mine. And that's because it exists. And sometimes dictates my life. I figure if I'm sizing people up, someone must be sizing ME up. When I share my life as a former "letter A", I never do it without fear. For the most part I share only when God prompts. And He has prompted. Hence the blog. However, there has been one time I shared and that someone put me in a box. And I let them. I allowed the box flaps to close and the packing tape to seal me up. Really it was the enemy....amazing how quickly I jumped back into his lair, allowing him to beat me with a stick. I was a (wait for it) pinata. :D

I didn't like that much. After a tearful (on my end) confrontation, the other party admitted that being in a similar situation had indeed put me in the same box as the one who caused offense to her. The idea was that we must have been the same. Truthfully, I do not subscribe to that belief. The decisions I have made in my life have been mine. I am not like that guy or the other one. People make choices for various reasons....mine is different from yours. The reason I lie is not necessarily the reason you lie. (you know you do)

The biggest thing I took away from this experience.....reminded that there is One who knows me. And no matter how often the mire of muck that is my past tries to suck me in , I DON'T HAVE TO LET IT. I am forgiven and if He doesn't remember why should I allow someone to ship me off to the remote island of shame?! I am a success story of God's grace and love. I am His. And no matter how many times I say (and you read it), there is such freedom in belonging to Him.

I have shared my story willingly and openly with the cyber world. I don't know who reads my posts, don't know how many. And honestly, I don't write for the honor. I write for God. He is the One who knows me...designed and built by Him.

2012

Welcome 2012! Quoting a friend:"As much as there is chaos, there is happiness. Thanks God for balanced blessings."
This really struck me. I started thinking about all the chaos that has been in my life. Started thinking about the chaos that also brings happiness. 2011 brought it's share of hardships. Brought it's share of tears, heart break and sorrows. And for a while that is what I focused on. The sorrow. The "woe is me" aspect of things going on in my life. I think I was a walking billboard for all the things that I felt were wrong. I wore sadness like it was a cloak, stress like a backpack and anger like a simmering fire. It wasn't intentional. All of a sudden, it started raining in my life. Matty got downsized, the girls got their hearts broken and broke a few hearts. Our marriage took a hit when Matty's job got downsized. I started worrying so much about finances that I forgot to enjoy life. I started worrying about everything. The girls' husbands, college money, college, SATs, Matty's job, Murphy. EVERYTHING! My shoulders were so hunched, and if a friend asked how I was I hesitated to answer. I felt like I was in a river of sorrow.

I realized a few years ago that worry is a sin. And just this week, God reminded me that I was still partaking of that sin. He reminded me to enjoy TODAY. Every today that comes, I need to enjoy it. Truly the tomorrows will take care of themselves. Slowly, I've been coming out of my "2011 Slump". We have some friends whose sorrows are much. They are facing a sadness that I can not comprehend. Yet through it, they are praising and praying. I am sure they are crying, sure they are afraid. I'm even willing to bet that they are a little angry. (if not, my apologies) But you know, it's ok to be mad. God knows the heart, He would rather you yell at him than not. I find that when I do yell at Him, my yelling turns to praise. While I was worrying, I put up a shield. Tried to block it all, pretend I was alright. You know what? I could fool myself, my family and friends....but not God. The grand thing is He knew where I was the whole time. He knew my worries, my heart and my thoughts. And He loved me through it.

I feel so selfish for worrying about everything we have had happen when there is so much more that others face. Yet, this is my story.....and these things that happen are important to me...to my family. I am valid to the Lord....and valuable. With the slumps, there has been laughter. We have loved eachother, laughed together, grown and been joyful. Living with this many girls....well, it's always a party at my house. I wasn't "Eeyore" every second....just when I let it overwhelm me. I know this isn't the last time I will swim in the "river of sorrow"....but at least I have a life preserver. Without Him, I would surely drown.

So goodbye 2011. Welcome 2012....a brand new year full of all new possibilities, triumphs and joys. May your new year be filled with laughter and adventure...I know mine will be. And no matter if the adventure is joy filled or sorrowful, I will look to the Lord. His will be done.