Beautiful

When did I decide that society could tell me how to be beautiful? Why do I let those pictures in magazines and in the mall dictate what makes me beautiful? And why on earth do I look at those faceless mannequins and want to be as thin as them?! Because, in a sin saturated world, I feel not good enough.
When I was a teen I thought I was fat. at 14 I was 5'7 and a size 5. I thought I wasn't pretty, thought I needed to be better. I believed what t.v. and magazines and songs said. And I believed I wasn't good enough. It's pretty sad when at almost 39 these things still seep into my brain, convincing me I am just not right.
About 6 years ago, I was a size 8 and weighed 140 lbs. I think about that and I cry. Because guess what! That is not me anymore. And I, silly me, believe I am no longer beautiful.
There is always a diet craze, a weight loss fad and some skinny girl that sits next to you at the movies, church or wherever. You would think as a mom of girls I would feel differently. And I do. For them....there are different rules for the girls. I encourage their individuality. I encourage odd dressing, colored hair and multiple earrings. I encourage them to remember that they are formed in God's image, and when He looks at them all he sees is their beautiful hearts....along with their beautiful faces. This encouragement has led to some people to think they're odd ducks. Strange beings and "different". (insert hand motion from "Fantastic Mr.Fox") But that's ok...they are PHENOMENAL! But me....I'm just ordinary.
I have an eating disorder. I can't track what I eat because I'll quit eating. I've been this way since I was young. I know this about myself. And now you know it about me too. I know...I am made in God's image too. Shaped and formed and loved no matter my size. (Which I correlate to my beauty) I know these things in my heart. I just can't grasp it in my heart....so when did I decide society could dictate my beauty? When I was a young girl, and everyone around me was prettier, thinner and more put together. As a grown up, it still feels that way sometimes....and I'm stuck with teenager feelings as a grown up woman. How does it change? Well, I keep praying. I listen to what I tell the girls and I remember that I am not the only woman to feel this way. I remember that to God, I am PHENOMENAL. Cause I am....

This blog is a way for me to talk to you. So if you (whoever you are) have felt/done/been anything I have ever written about, I want you to know....it's ok. You're not alone. Not everyone admits everything...I'm just trying to do what God says. And He loves you.

I'm just a girl

Good morning, world. It's me again. After 5 hours of sleep, my internal clock went off and I dragged myself out of bed. And I started thinking. I know....it's crazy. Thinking so early in the morning.
Last night at about 11:15 p.m. I took the teens in my house and made a McDonalds run. The young adult taking our order was very sweet.....he was also flirting with me. Emily looked at me in surprise.
SURPRISE? As in, "OH MY GOODNESS! my mom is flirt worthy" surprise. Um, excuse me?! Of course I am. Yet, I realized how odd it is for them. And I think they forget I'm just a girl. They forget that I wasn't born this age and they forget that I actually had a life before them. And I like to be flirted with. (you know you do too!) I like to look pretty and more than that to know someone else thinks I look pretty. (Yes, Matty....I know you think I look pretty) I still get giddy when I see that cute boy looking at me.....(Matty). And it's still confidence boosting when the McDonalds guy flirts with me.
As a girl, confidence wanes. My self esteem takes a hit when I'm feeling "less than" and there are just some days I feel so icky about me. As a girl, my weight has gone up and down (up right now). When that happens, my confidence level fluctuates as well. I feel good, I feel bad. When my kiddos talk about how their friends all like to come over to our house, I feel great. I feel like I've done something right. When the girls are sad and feeling "less than" I commiserate. But here's the thing....THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They believe I was born almost 39 with no life experience. And how could I possibly understand?? EEESH! I am JUST a girl.
I get the same fluttery emotions, the same desire to know I'm pretty. The same ups and downs in my thought process. And it's fun to know I'm "flirt" worthy. It's also fun to see the look of surprise on the girls' faces when they realize I'm being flirted with. I asked Matty if he notices when someone flirts with him. He said no. So it leads me to the question: Does anyone else notice? Is he just oblivious to what happens? Am I an attention hog that only survives with flirty-ness?
Hmmmmm, nope. I don't think so. I ignore the flirters. I don't flirt back (not intentionally) and I don't dress for anyone but Matty and me. I honor God with my dress and my attitude. But sometimes, I think it does the girls good to remember that I am just a girl.....and not as old as they think.


Matty is oblivious. That's just him. But believe you me.....those women get no where NEAR my husband. I can spot a flirter a mile away and I have no problem going a different direction.

However....

Good Morning! It's been a long couple of days at our house. Matt got demoted (which means less pay), the tall girl broke up with her boyfriend (who she met at church camp) and one girl is sick. I haven't slept in 2 days. HOWEVER, I have not had a breakdown....not really.


Remember when I said some time ago that the girls were "off the market"? No boyfriends, only courtship stuff? Well, we broke the rule for the tall girl. And we liked her boyfriend. He was so sweet to her! Respected us and the rules we laid out.  Respected her and the boundaries she set for herself. Then, sad day, she broke up with him. She felt like he was more invested than she was in the relationship. We have a rule for the boys our girls date....if they, at any time, feel as though they no longer want relationship they need to tell the girls right away. And so we told the tall girl he deserved that same respect. 
He thanked her for being honest and said he would stay her friend. She was crying. She doesn't like hurting people. From now on, no boyfriends for her. However, I REALLY like him.  The girls bring these boys into their lives, which in turn brings them into ours. And we like them. Then they are gone. Sigh.


Matt got demoted. His confidence is shaken, his manhood on the line. I know he feels like he has let us down, done something wrong and is "less than".  And of course you had me saying things like "I asked you if......". I'm quite positive that did not make him feel better. Since the first initial shock, things have settled into  "git 'er done" mode. We've made plans (tentative) and have been praying. Alot. I know that the Lord has plans, I know that nothing happens without first being brought to the Father. I know we will be ok. However, things will be tight, money will be scarce and there won't be alot of frivolous expenditure. And that's ok. It's going to be creative living. We will find all the free things to do in Boise!


It's easy to try and wallow. To Eeyore it up and be all "Poor me" and "Why us?". It's easy to go crazy with the "what ifs" and look at situations that maybe won't even be a situation. It's easy to ignore that this was a plan. However, I have been called to do the opposite to all those things. This is a plan. Not mine, but His. And who am I to wallow? We still have each of our children, our home and eachother. We are healthy (except Chellsei who is nursing a cold). We have friends and a church home where, I believe, we are loved.  And we have a Father, who loves us continuously and in His very own words says His plan is for our good and not to cause harm.
While I did cry, I also prayed. And yesterday, my bible study was on Job. Go figure. And I am reminded, AGAIN, that God has this. What the world means for evil, the Lord means for good. I intend to enjoy the good.




The tall girl asked if her not being invested in the relationship meant she had a problem with commitment. I told her no....she's only 15, she doesn't have to commit....she has to grow up first.

So Much More

What if you weren't who you thought you were? What if one moment changed everything you ever knew about yourself? What if your whole self was an illusion, a figment of who you truly wanted to be?
We've all had them....defining moments that change our lives. We live under the possibilities of things going our way, life giving us what we want. But what happens when you get what you want and aren't sure what to do with it? What do you do when your reality isn't as wonderful as the dream? I see "perfect" people: perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect money and house. Why does their reality seem so much MORE than mine?
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea.....there is nothing wrong with any of the children, Matty and I are still firmly married and all the bills are paid. Even the dog is healthy. However, I had a thought today. About reality and how it is seldom what we think it will be. I realized I had had my time. I've found a spouse, had children and am pretty much a grown up. But for our girls, it's all just beginning. They will have regrets, sorrows, joy and "butterflies". They will flirt, have broken hearts, break hearts and survive. They will cry, laugh and perhaps grieve. And some of it will be done without me. I started thinking the other day about "Strawberry Milk" boy. Wondered how he was. I thought about the boy in high school whose heart I really broke....and wondered if he had been repaired. I started thinking about who I was at 14 and wondered if anyone remembered me like that. Had I made a lasting impression? Other than a hurtful one? Did I make a difference? Part of me wants to be remembered....I remember them and have no idea who they are as grown ups. Who can say that about me? What if there are things left to say, apologies to be given?

What if who I am isn't who I was supposed to be? My time was thrown away, frivolously discarded like I had an inordinate amount of it. That's what I don't want for the girls...I don't want them to waste their moments. I want each moment of their lives to be sweet, enjoyed and embraced. I want them to know that who they are becoming is who God intends them to be. I don't want them to be sorry for not doing something and I want them to be grateful for the things they get to do.
Every moment in my life has been defining. Some for the worse, most for the better. I have lived a life....definition to definition.....moment to moment. And I can see where those moments changed something. At 15 on the ferris wheel....at 16 getting married out of necessity.....at 19 getting married for stability.....at 27 deciding to end a marriage.....and finally being hopelessly in love for the first time and marrying my best friend. And now, at almost 39, watching the girls begin to grow, realizing there is so much more to this life thing.

Everything I have done, been through and have said has shaped me. I am who I am....maybe not who I was supposed to be, but I believe I am so much more.

Mommyism

There is an unwritten rule that as a mother you just accept your children. You must be patient, must me tender and must at all times be the sane one. Yesterday I broke those rules. I was not patient, not tender and most assuredly NOT sane. In short, I had a breakdown. Yesterday was an "It's hard to be a mommy" day.

I didn't want to be a mommy. I wanted to have my breakdown in peace. Wanted to cry, yell and stamp my feet. Wanted to vent without the girls getting sullen, without having to worry about their teenage feelings. Truthfully, I wanted to be the kid. For just a little bit, I wanted to be the one without responsibility. Didn't happen. Know why? Cause I'm the MOMMY! And mommies can't have breakdowns.

Well, why NOT? I say "Mommies Unite!" We should have one whole day where we get to be the "kid", get to stamp our feet and holler like crazy about how no one understands us. We should be able to ignore our cel phones. Stop wearing the weight of our worlds on our backs....in short be able to breathe. WITHOUT someone shouting the word "MOM" at the top of their lungs.

Every mommy has a point. You know the one. It sends you over the edge, causes you to question your reasoning for having children in the first place. You think to yourself "Good gracious....WHAT was I thinking?!" Some women are just beginning. And it's oh so sweet. It's a wonderful journey you've begun....talk to me in 5 or 6 years. The journey is still sweet....it's just a little different. And then comes the teen years. (cue horror scream) With girls, it's always a party....yelling here, slamming door there....insert eye roll every other word. Petulance becomes the norm and the words "You don't care!" are spoken often. Tears happen almost as if scripted and my sanity goes right out the window.

Please don't get me wrong. I love our children, LOVE each one! There are just some days that it's hard to be a mom. Hard to shove my own emotions down, hard to ignore my own door slamming instinct. And when it happens, the girls act like I've done something so horrible, so awful they will never recover. And to that I say WHATEVER!
There will probably never be a "mommy" day. (Mother's Day just masquerades as one) Won't be a day where all the moms can just breathe, commiserate and enjoy a "no kid zone". But i say, go with it. When it happens, close your eyes and breathe. And remember, someone you know has probably already been where you are. And they survived. I will too and so will you.

It's not all like that. It's one day and it's ok to admit if you feel this way....chances are someone else is just waiting for one of us to admit it.

The "Club"

There is a club amongst teen girls. It's the "Have a boyfriend/Don't have a boyfriend" club. I remember it well. And I belonged to the "have" side. It seems I didn't find myself complete unless I had a boyfriend. I even made a few up. Well, one. He was a real guy, just not really my boyfriend. I wanted to belong, wanted to feel like one of "those" girls. Pretty, I wanted to feel pretty. And loved, I wanted to be loved. And I just wanted to be...them.

And so, I was a "have". However, that didn't change my social status. It just gave me male company.

Guess what?! The club still exists! Only now it's more brutal. Now, I'm the mom....and I'm trying to convince these girls that they don't need completion. That they don't need approval and that they are so very LOVED. Yet, no matter how much I tell them these things, they seem to CRAVE the same things I did at that age. From the very beginning, I talked with them. Tried to bolster their confidence, build self esteem and show them physical love. Things I felt I had missed. Things I wanted.
That's not even the whole of it....I think it all goes back to the "club". They want peer acceptance, peer recognition. We have one daughter who will probably always have a boyfriend....until she gets married of course. She is content to flirt, giggle and coo and have the boys eating out of her hand. Then there's another girl who is convinced she will NEVER have anyone to love her. Convinced that high school is it, the be all end all. She has no concept that the world is right out the door, waiting with patience for her to begin her life. And then there is the tender hearted one. The one who is positive she's going to get married, but searching so hard for her husband NOW. Her heart is anxious, troubled and full of frustration. She sees the flirt "get" the good guy and she is in angst. She believes that all that will come her way are the "needy" boys. I remind her that God knows her heart, knows her list for what she wants her husband to be. She made a promise to not kiss anyone except her husband and I truly believe God is honoring that by not allowing her to meet the "good" guy. He is protecting and honoring her dreams.

I see girls flip into and out of relationships like they are shaking off water. (me) I see girls invest so much of themselves into a boy they lose who they are.(also me) I see girls who bank on a boy and settle with him because they just want. (again....me) Some of these girls are mine....by birth and by "adoption". I love these girls.....so very much. I wish all of them would have a 'Cinderella' moment. I wish that belonging to the "club" would really make a difference in their lives. But it won't. No matter how much he tells her he loves her, it isn't the truth. The truth is a boy doesn't know HOW to love a girl at this age....doesn't know how to cherish her and even protect her. There may be a few exceptions (I've met some) and i know every girl thinks she is the exception. The fact is, only God will love her they way she cries to be loved. Only God will accept her as she is and protect her her whole life. She is His bride....if only she would grasp it.

The "club" will always exist. It will always be a show of peer status, acceptance and worthiness. Girls will always judge a girl based on her "boyfriend-ness". They will deem her worthy or not. In the "club" they will laugh and make jokes about why she doesn't have one. It appears that our 3 teens are in varying stages of the "club". The flirt really doesn't care about having a boyfriend. If she does great, if not that's ok too. The almost grown up one wants one, but can't see past the right now....can't see any further than high school. And the tender girl....well, she REALLY wants to know her forever right now. She doesn't want to wait, doesn't want to be patient. She wants to belong to the "club" the most.
I have paid my dues, lived my life, searched for my forever and come out of the pit to tell about it. I belonged to that "Club" long enough to know that it really doesn't matter. I am worthy in God's eyes, beloved and nurtured. Who cares what others think?


I am a child,friend, mother, sister, friend and wife. More than that I am the bride of Christ and a beloved disciple. That's the "club" I belong to...
"Beloved, let us love one another for love is from God...." 1 john 4:7 (first half)

Isn't it funny...

The way things happen sometimes surprise me. I mean, I continually plan my life, map my days and schedule appointments. That should hold some water right? Whatever! Life constantly changes around me. Things happen I don't expect, like Little Bit breaking her arm. And the dog eating my couch. And the girls growing up. (O.K. I should expect that one) I just think it's funny that I think I have any control at all.
And truly, what do I want to control? Weeeeeeeell, my husband, children, dog and all my days. I want to make a decision and not have anything sidetrack me, nothing to get in the way and everything to go according to plan. Because I do have a plan. And it's a good one! BUT....life hardly ever goes according to MY plan. I've talked alot about time moving quickly, life going forward faster than I can run. It seems to be a theme lately.
Perhaps it's because Emily is almost 18. And next year will be in college. And Hillary lives far away and is constructing a life for herself.....without me to hug and love on her. And good gracious! she's marrying age! (by that I mean she can get married) I could be a grandma. And my grandchildren will be raised far away! EEK! (rabbit trail)
Back to subject at hand....I think this thought of life going so quickly is odd because deep down I seriously questioned if our children really ever would be adults. Whether they would ever truly be self sufficient and capable. I figured they would always be at one age or another, but I never really believed they would LEAVE ME. Isn't that funny??!
UGH! So next year, Emily will be in college and Chellsei (who I can't believe is a JUNIOR this year) will be a senior. Kaily will, gulp, be a junior. In 3 years, we could have only 2 children in the house. What a bizzare thought. It will be so quiet.
I am reminded, it's not my plan. And that these girls are only on loan. We have been blessed to be their parents. The only thing I can count on is that Someone loves them more than I do. That Someone has it all figured out and can look at the entire film strip of our lives.....and He's got it.
I can't even talk about Savannah and Harley growing up. Right now they are still in little girl mode. Except Savannah just started showing interest in doing her own hair saying "This looks cute, huh mom?!" I know that just around the corner is a time when they will all be living the lives God intends....and Matt and I can get to the business of being "empty nest-ers". Could be fun.....


I have had 6 eight year olds....Harley is the baby. Not a single broken arm in the bunch. One slide, our last 8 year old and a movie night later = 1 broken arm cuddled in a pink cast.
Isn't it funny?