When did I decide that society could tell me how to be beautiful? Why do I let those pictures in magazines and in the mall dictate what makes me beautiful? And why on earth do I look at those faceless mannequins and want to be as thin as them?! Because, in a sin saturated world, I feel not good enough.
When I was a teen I thought I was fat. at 14 I was 5'7 and a size 5. I thought I wasn't pretty, thought I needed to be better. I believed what t.v. and magazines and songs said. And I believed I wasn't good enough. It's pretty sad when at almost 39 these things still seep into my brain, convincing me I am just not right.
About 6 years ago, I was a size 8 and weighed 140 lbs. I think about that and I cry. Because guess what! That is not me anymore. And I, silly me, believe I am no longer beautiful.
There is always a diet craze, a weight loss fad and some skinny girl that sits next to you at the movies, church or wherever. You would think as a mom of girls I would feel differently. And I do. For them....there are different rules for the girls. I encourage their individuality. I encourage odd dressing, colored hair and multiple earrings. I encourage them to remember that they are formed in God's image, and when He looks at them all he sees is their beautiful hearts....along with their beautiful faces. This encouragement has led to some people to think they're odd ducks. Strange beings and "different". (insert hand motion from "Fantastic Mr.Fox") But that's ok...they are PHENOMENAL! But me....I'm just ordinary.
I have an eating disorder. I can't track what I eat because I'll quit eating. I've been this way since I was young. I know this about myself. And now you know it about me too. I know...I am made in God's image too. Shaped and formed and loved no matter my size. (Which I correlate to my beauty) I know these things in my heart. I just can't grasp it in my heart....so when did I decide society could dictate my beauty? When I was a young girl, and everyone around me was prettier, thinner and more put together. As a grown up, it still feels that way sometimes....and I'm stuck with teenager feelings as a grown up woman. How does it change? Well, I keep praying. I listen to what I tell the girls and I remember that I am not the only woman to feel this way. I remember that to God, I am PHENOMENAL. Cause I am....
This blog is a way for me to talk to you. So if you (whoever you are) have felt/done/been anything I have ever written about, I want you to know....it's ok. You're not alone. Not everyone admits everything...I'm just trying to do what God says. And He loves you.
I am glad you wrote this. I, too, am feeling like I don't measure up to our sin-ridden world's version of beauty. Especially now, dealing with the physical changes of weaning and all... bleh. And I worry sometimes that if I still struggle with these issues as a pre-30 year old, how in the world am I going to provide comfort/guidance/direction/counsel to my girls in their preteen and teenage years??? You are right to bring it all back to being made in God's image and remembering that individuality is much more beautiful than carbon copies.
ReplyDeleteWith all that being said, it's still nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling physically inadequate, not quite put together properly, or however else we could term it. Thanks for sharing.