My house, currently, is empty aside from me, Murphy the wonderdog and his faithful sidekick (the ever LICK-Y) Whisper. It was a long summer. Amazing how, even with all the changes, I can rejoice in the silence and emptiness that overcomes my house for 8 hours M-Th.
Amazing because if you had asked me in March if I wanted an empty house, I would've said no and burst into tears. That's pretty much all I did in March. Cry. Watching that tall girl get married, having to give her away all by myself was HARD. Feeling the distance between Matty and I and not having a CLUE as to what was causing it or how to change it was perplexing and difficult. Throw in some family resentment, some cranky kids and lost relationships and you've got my spring wrapped up nice and tight.
Oh, yeah. Also, I was EMPTY. I felt so broken and I presented that way.
Our summer went by in a blur, a flurry of activities. A whirlwind of good-byes, feeling like there wasn't enough time in a day. In a house full of girls, the tears flowed often.
Then came the Something that sent Matty and I into counseling. Which is going so/so, for your info. It's always a learning experience....not always pleasant. But at least we're learning. And I'm not feeling so empty.
I remembered that He is all I need. Remembered that even if the Something caused great sorrow, He is bigger than that. He is bigger than the empty me and He can fill me right up with His presence, His peace and His love. It's not perfect, this thing called my life, but at least I'm still breathing!
It's been hard, having girls grow up and begin their own lives. Some people will say "It's normal" or "It's time" or other things like that. When, in reality, they struggled too. You carry these people under your heart, take care of them for numerous years and they just expect to grow up and move away? Well....yes. And that's alright. It just takes some getting used to. That contributed to my emptiness.
It's hard, not knowing how to fix things. That sucks all the "me" out of me. Leaves me empty and desolate. This Something with Matty....that left me the brokenest. But he loves me. So it's getting better. And I love him. And that makes it even more better.
God is "fixing" me. He is mending my broken spirit, filling up my empty soul. That is why I can enjoy the empty of my house.
So in closing, aside from our ever entertaining canines, God is here. My house is never really empty. Just like i was never really empty. I only allowed myself to believe I was.
What are you believing? Let's be real with each other, friends. We (hopefully) all belong to the same family. And if you don't know Jesus....ask me how. He loves you, friend. You are beloved.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Learning to Love
Every day, we learn. We learn traffic patterns for 7:20 a.m. school runs, learn how long it takes for 2 girls to get ready. We learn what NOT to watch on Netflix, learn about beautiful beginnings and sorrowful endings. We learn how to be better, how to focus on ourselves less. We learn how to walk, talk, kiss, hug and love.
I am learning how to love my husband again. He's learning how to love me again. That's a bit misleading. It's not that we ever stopped, it's just that we forgot to be intentional about showing it. Every week we come away from counseling with an "assignment". This weeks is to list 10 ways he can act to induce affection in me and vice versa. I never realized how I needed him to respond to me in order for me to be more intentional. I know that the goal is to eventually not have to think and put effort into being intentional, it's to just BE INTENTIONAL.
It's interesting to me to realize how I relate. Interesting to hear some of the things that come out when we're being raw with each other. It's nice to be able to talk with him and not feel as though I have to put up a bulwark. (fancy word, huh?) Guess what? These things we're learning and being refreshed on in counseling are things we can use in ALL our relationships with others. Well, except a few.
I am learning to love him better, in a way that he really will respond to. He's learning to love me better, in a way I'll respond to. I've realized that love doesn't just continue on because we WANT it to. It's a consistent learning thing. Every day, I change. Every day, he changes. Every day, I need to learn how to love him. And I choose to love him....every day. I'm pretty sure he chooses to love me every day. And every day, we learn.
I am so thankful that God doesn't have to learn to love me, so glad His love isn't as fickle or as emotional. I'm so glad He just loves me. No strings, no learning how to love, no wondering if He'll love me tomorrow. He just does.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. That wasn't and isn't the issue. But somewhere down the road, we forgot to show it. We allowed ourselves to slip into a pattern of forgetting. We're learning how to get out of it, learning how to show love and mean it.
Friends, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Don't feel bad if you struggle....talk about it before it becomes a big thing. Before the wall is so big you don't know how to get over it or go around it.
We still haven't come to the point where we can share what got us into counseling. I can reiterate what it wasn't....but I'm sure I don't have to.
My heart grieves for those without husband and father. I've had to balance my frustration with the knowledge that I have the privilege of my husband.
Learn to love better, friends. That is one area you can never know too much about.
Thank you for praying....God is good all the time.
I am learning how to love my husband again. He's learning how to love me again. That's a bit misleading. It's not that we ever stopped, it's just that we forgot to be intentional about showing it. Every week we come away from counseling with an "assignment". This weeks is to list 10 ways he can act to induce affection in me and vice versa. I never realized how I needed him to respond to me in order for me to be more intentional. I know that the goal is to eventually not have to think and put effort into being intentional, it's to just BE INTENTIONAL.
It's interesting to me to realize how I relate. Interesting to hear some of the things that come out when we're being raw with each other. It's nice to be able to talk with him and not feel as though I have to put up a bulwark. (fancy word, huh?) Guess what? These things we're learning and being refreshed on in counseling are things we can use in ALL our relationships with others. Well, except a few.
I am learning to love him better, in a way that he really will respond to. He's learning to love me better, in a way I'll respond to. I've realized that love doesn't just continue on because we WANT it to. It's a consistent learning thing. Every day, I change. Every day, he changes. Every day, I need to learn how to love him. And I choose to love him....every day. I'm pretty sure he chooses to love me every day. And every day, we learn.
I am so thankful that God doesn't have to learn to love me, so glad His love isn't as fickle or as emotional. I'm so glad He just loves me. No strings, no learning how to love, no wondering if He'll love me tomorrow. He just does.
I love my husband. My husband loves me. That wasn't and isn't the issue. But somewhere down the road, we forgot to show it. We allowed ourselves to slip into a pattern of forgetting. We're learning how to get out of it, learning how to show love and mean it.
Friends, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard. Don't feel bad if you struggle....talk about it before it becomes a big thing. Before the wall is so big you don't know how to get over it or go around it.
We still haven't come to the point where we can share what got us into counseling. I can reiterate what it wasn't....but I'm sure I don't have to.
My heart grieves for those without husband and father. I've had to balance my frustration with the knowledge that I have the privilege of my husband.
Learn to love better, friends. That is one area you can never know too much about.
Thank you for praying....God is good all the time.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
In An Instant
We are in our 3rd week of counseling. Yesterday was a bad one, I came away angry and crying. Went to bed that way too. This morning, my Facebook feed had a simple line above a picture.
"These are my parents.
Late last night, I lost my Dad.
Please pray for my family."
Talk about perspective. I just wanted to hug Matty. He was at work. This doesn't mean that the reason we're in counseling goes away, doesn't mean we're all done. It doesn't even mean that next week, I won't be upset again. It just means that today I am reminded that there are children who go to bed without hugging their dad....a wife that is a widow.
It was very quick, an instant. I am reminded that is all it is sometimes. It's not always about death. There are "instants" in life that we ignore, let pass us by without a single "Howdy-Do". We forget that those are important. We get stuck in complacency.
Complacency is part of what got Matty and I to counseling to begin with. It's just a sneaky thing, lulling us into the "Every Day". We forget to pay attention to the instants...then they're gone.
I don't want them to be gone. I want to remember to cherish every instant.
I know that the Lord is sovereign. I know He called this man home, that this man is worshiping at His feet. There is sorrow here, there is also peace. His peace surpasses all understanding.
Tell the people you love that you do. Don't let instants pass you by. Enjoy them, embrace them and let them wash over you with joy.
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
"These are my parents.
Late last night, I lost my Dad.
Please pray for my family."
Talk about perspective. I just wanted to hug Matty. He was at work. This doesn't mean that the reason we're in counseling goes away, doesn't mean we're all done. It doesn't even mean that next week, I won't be upset again. It just means that today I am reminded that there are children who go to bed without hugging their dad....a wife that is a widow.
It was very quick, an instant. I am reminded that is all it is sometimes. It's not always about death. There are "instants" in life that we ignore, let pass us by without a single "Howdy-Do". We forget that those are important. We get stuck in complacency.
Complacency is part of what got Matty and I to counseling to begin with. It's just a sneaky thing, lulling us into the "Every Day". We forget to pay attention to the instants...then they're gone.
I don't want them to be gone. I want to remember to cherish every instant.
I know that the Lord is sovereign. I know He called this man home, that this man is worshiping at His feet. There is sorrow here, there is also peace. His peace surpasses all understanding.
Tell the people you love that you do. Don't let instants pass you by. Enjoy them, embrace them and let them wash over you with joy.
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Next Go Round
Here we are. We've had our second session. We've survived it.
It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.
We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.
Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.
I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.
Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.
I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.
Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.
The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.
ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!
It's hard. Some days it feels like we're headed forward, full steam ahead. The next day, it feels like we've fallen 5 paces behind and someone has shot us in the leg. Good gracious...marriage is hard! So is being a parent, but that is another kettle of fish.
We enter every day with hope. Some days, trepidation comes calling. Some days, joy takes the forefront. I've learned that there is no blueprint for this, no clear directions. We just keep praying, seeking God and talking with each other. Sometimes AT each other. But always face to face. Otherwise things get misinterpreted. Nothing like putting a 'tone' to a text.
Our counselor is a bit quirky. We like that. He's also honest. I go into the sessions knowing I'll get called out on something, but so will Matty. We're learning a lot about ourselves, about each other. I had a moment of panic last week, wondering if through all this self discovery Matt will decided he doesn't love me. (I think that is a valid fear that people have when entering counseling, especially secular counseling) I mentioned that to Matty. His response was that we're learning these things so we can love each other better, not stop loving at all.
I'll be honest. There have been moments when I've shut down, walled up and hunkered behind the bulwark. There have been moments where I just wanted to throw my hands up and run. Self protect mode. I recognize this. It is not a healthy thing, it's a byproduct of life before Matty. It's easier to shut down than to open up. I'm pretty sure he's felt that way too.
Yet, here I am. Opening my heart to you. That's better than shutting life out, ignoring the world. I've done that a lot. I know....my life has been a series of typhoons. The storms are calming, the waves getting smaller and I feel like I can breathe again. I'm sorry to those that I sheltered from.....I really didn't know how to be social.
I'm not sure how long we'll be in counseling, but I realized today that there is no easy fix. This does not just get better because we've uncovered the wound and aired it out. This is going to take time. I want it to be better now....but am willing to wait for God to bring total restoration.
Let me reiterate: Matty and I are committed to our marriage. We are in the absolute belief that staying married is the only way to fix any marital issue. Our counselor is committed to our commitment to each other. More importantly, God is committed to US. We are His and will live as such.
The next go round is Monday....prayers are much appreciated.
ps....I'm ready for social. Hit me up!
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