Ties That Bind

We are creatures of habit. We do the same things every day, talk to the same people, live our days like the one before it. We tie ourselves to many different things: people, belongings, animals etc. We tend to hold tight, tie the ropes tighter and hope nothing breaks.

So......what happens when someone chooses to break them? In our family we've recently had some pretty life changing, earth shattering moments. Someone we love has made a decision to die. They have not been successful. While this is good, we are left with the why of it all. We're left to ask questions that they won't answer, we're left to pray it won't happen again. We're holding desperately to the tie that binds us....they're trying just as desperately to cut it.

We've learned that life is more fragile than we thought, and we've learned that no matter what you think is going on, you really have no idea. We can presume to know the inside, we can take things at face value, we can gloss over the what we're looking at. In the end, we Just. Don't. Know.

We think that life is to be valued. And rightly so. We love the ties that bind us to other people, ties that don't restrict but allow growth. We love those that we're tied to. We hope they love us, too. We hope they value themselves as much as we value them. It doesn't always happen. We've learned that no matter how much slack you give, how much you hope that they'll remain tied....they may not want the same thing.

This doesn't just apply to this specific person in our lives. It applies to friendships, familial relationships, marital relationships...pretty much any relationship. Those ties that bind are strong, but sometimes someones will is stronger. This has been a hard winter for our family. We've had "stretched" cords, sorrowful breakings. Matty and I have had to figure out how to tighten the bindings that had stretched to far. On a whole, as a family, we've had to figure out how to love that someone who doesn't want to be here anymore. We're still having to figure out how to continue loving them.

The ties that bind us to others isn't a simple thing. There is history. There is love. There is sorrow. There is delight. There is shared experience. There is a lifetime of figuring it out and dreaming. When someone wants to break that binding, it's painful. Our hearts hurt for all the not understanding.

There is one tie that never breaks. And I know that He sees this all. He sees the ties that bind us all together, He sees the frayed edges, the broken rope. He sees where it's strongest and needs to be shored up. His tie to me is made of something stronger than typical cable. I know that. His tie to that someone is stronger than all the ties they're trying to break. I need to remember that. His grace is sufficient. No matter how things happen, I need to remember His plan is always perfect. My heart may sorrow....yet even in sorrow, I can rest. His will be done.

Please pray for our family. Please don't ask any questions. Thank you, dear ones, for allowing me to 'vent'.

Trust Issues

Don't laugh....I've realized I have MAJOR trust issues. Try dating one of our daughters....or wanting to marry one. (right, son in law?) For some strange reason, I think that as soon as I'm out of sight, people change. They suddenly become who they really are. And I never get to know, because I can't see them. I think this is a little askew. Actually, probably a lot askew. That's what I'm going with.

I don't know where it started. Childhood? Young adulthood? I know that marrying someone 7 years older than me and then being abused for 2 years didn't help. You're supposed to trust your spouse...I couldn't trust him with anything. I'm sure there were sometimes my mistrust was misplaced. But I allowed it all the same. I know that now there are situations in which it isn't warranted, yet here I am...worrying myself sick with mistrust.

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's watching things happen and wanting to direct they way things go. Maybe it's one little slip up and then I'm done. I KNOW some of that is from my 2 years of sad. I don't give people chances anymore. I figure one is enough and if they mess up why should I stick around? I mean, it isn't always like that...but there are those that I just flat out don't trust/like/want to be around.

Wow. I am so glad that God doesn't have the same view point. Here I am talking about trust and I have broken so many. Yet...He loves me anyway. He has carried me up and out of a pit more than once. And I have the audacity to not even trust Him?? That's what this comes down to. Trusting God.

I see trust issues presenting themselves more when it's a girl situation. Pretty sure it's because I don't want any of them to be broken. But...really...isn't that God's part? Isn't He the one that has created and invested in them more than I? Didn't He just allow us to raise them? For HIM??? His purpose and His plan. I feel like I'm constantly fighting a current. I'm losing.

So...it's time to give it up. I'm giving it up to God. A couple entries ago, I said I wasn't going to trust someone...that I was going to trust God. So here we go. For the billionth time, I am giving this all to God. He's got it, I just keep trying to snatch it back and carry it. Silly, mistrustful me.


What are you struggling with? What are you not trusting? WHO are you not trusting? Because He sees it. He knows, and He loves you. He wants to carry your mistrust, your angst and anxiety. He wants you to settle and just remember His promises.

I just started a bible study at church. It's "Anxious for Nothing" by John MacArthur. Yup...God is speaking to me. It's 'bout time I listen.



"And again, "I will put My trust in Him." And again, "Behold, I and the children whom God has given Me."
Hebrews 2:13

Who Says?

Who says that love has an age? I've met people who's love story began at 15 and some who didn't start until their 50's. Who decides the "magic" age?

I mean, I get it. I have daughters. I never wanted them to talk to those who had love stories that began young. I was afraid it would sway them, teach them to look when they're barely able to navigate their emotions. I always told them to wait. Begin their life. Grow. Boy, am I presumptuous!

As their mother, I am given certain liberties. I teach them right from wrong, discipline when needed, love always. I can give advice, pray they take it and lift them up when they don't. But...I can NOT presume to know their story. Because they have one. Each has their own story, written by the greatest Author of all.

So...WHO SAYS they can't love young, can't love old. Who says they have to go to college, who says they can't chuck it all and live in the wilds sharing about Jesus? Who says that they can't decide to not get married at all? Who says they MUST have children, who says they MUST wait a certain amount after marriage? Who says their story is less than written by God?

Well, sometimes I say. I've recently learned that what we say really affects our children. I know! I've been a mother for almost 24 years and I'm STILL learning! I can see where my own agenda has put a crimp in the road for them, see where someone else has swayed thought process and it's hurt my child in the unfolding. I can see glimpses into others lives, glimpses of sorrow and shame and rebellion. I can see those who aren't sure how to love, how to live. Someone else has had a lot of say in those lives. I don't want that to be our girls.

I'm learning that each of their stories is unique to them. When they go off path, God is right there to pick them up and set them straight. Sometimes, there are blips that He allows. And we are all the better for it. We get to grow. Often it hurts, but the outcome is amazing.

Again I ask: Who Says? And if it's you...then WHO are you to say? I will rest in knowing that God is bigger than anything that seems scary. I will rest in His promise that He is FOR them and nothing can stand against Him. I will rest in knowing that at creation, He KNEW about these 6 amazing and wonderfully knit together daughters. He knew them by name, knew their whole life. I will rest in knowing that there isn't a "too young" or a "too old". I will rest in knowing He is in control.

I will rest.

Letting Her Go

It doesn't matter which "Her" I'm talking about. I've had to let them all go in one way or another over the past couple of years. I've had to stop fighting battles for them, had to stop trying to keep them from falling into a pit. I've had to watch as they've struggled, watch as they cried. I've had to say goodbye to their childhood selves. Where I would see a little girl, a woman was standing.

When you're handed that bundle....that sweet, tiny, dependent bundle....you're overcome with joy. You're thinking about all the milestones that will come, all the firsts. Your heart tries not to think about the lasts.

Maybe it's hit so hard because I've had 3 graduate in a row. 3 girls that are making their own way. My stair steps. Or maybe it's because in a matter of months, I've had 2 boys sweep girls off their feet. And one of the girls looks to her boy more than me. I know that's the nature of life, the way things are supposed to unfold....but when it comes from left field, it's always an adjustment. Plus, I don't trust easy. Ask him, he'll tell you.

But I made a decision. I decided not to trust him, but to trust God. Because every step was written by Him. And if He has allowed this young man, then who am I to NOT trust? I have to believe that this guy's intentions are honest, that his heart is truly what it appears. I have to trust that the other young man is truly seeking God in his relationship with our other girl, and will move if God says MOVE. I have to trust that God won't allow more than they can handle. I have to believe that our top stair will figure it out, have to trust God's plan and will in her life. I have to KNOW that He loves them more than I.

It's a hard thing when your child isn't your little one anymore. Suddenly the opinion of someone else matters more, their point of view holds more weight than mine. I can tell her to do one thing and she laughs me off, he says the same thing and she quickly agrees. He walks on the outside of the sidewalk, places himself between her and danger. He drives a bit more careful, buys her favorite food and comes to her defense when I'm calling her out on being rude....to him, no less! All these things are what I've prayed for, wanted and dreamed for them. Maybe I just thought it wouldn't happen, that somehow time would slow and they would remain mine.

But I guess that's my folly. They were never mine to begin with.

I will relish the moments I have left, the giggles, the joy, the struggles. I will grasp every juncture, enjoy all God gives us to cherish. No matter what unfolds with these young men, it will always be an experience to remember, occasions to recall. Some moments will bring sorrow, some will bring wishful thinking. Some will bring laughter, some contentment. No matter what, I will not forget to just revel in the way God has unfolded the adventure of my life.

One day, when they're all holding their own bundles of sweetness, they'll get it. Those young men will suddenly be overcome with a fierce desire to protect and hold tight. Our stair steps will be overcome with joy, waiting excitedly for all the firsts. When they get to the lasts, I'll be there. Their hearts will be sad, mixed with joy. And I'll get it. I'll be able to commiserate and look back with them over my own journey...of letting her go.

To the one I'm trusting: So proud of you. You're a good kid, with a good heart.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA
Credit to Passenger, I do not own the rights to this song/video.