As I write this I've just found out that my grandpa probably won't live past this weekend. My heart is full of sorrow. Not just because he's dying but because while he's dying, I am thinking of the years the locusts ate. They are many and now there is no repair time.
When I was a little girl, my grandpa would brush my hair. He would pull it tight into a ponytail. When I was a little girl, my grandpa would pick me up and carry me around. He had a hard time hearing (injury in the Korean war) and I always had to yell at him. Well, speak very, very loudly. My grandparents relocated to Oregon from California when I was about 13/14. When I would fight with Rachel, my grandpa was the voice of sanity. He would go hunting with my dad and they used to play cards with my parents. I remember,long boring nights watching my parents and grandparents play cards. Ugh!
When I moved to Idaho from Arkansas after my first divorce, my parents had moved to Idaho. My grandparents were already here. Relationships continued and the memories are many.
Things changed when I met Matty. He had dated Rachel...my grandparents took exception to anyone (me) cavorting with the enemy (Matty). With sorrow, all relationship ties were severed brutally. For the record, it was not our choice. For 13 years I have had little to no contact with the man that used to love me. My grandparents made a choice. My family and even my parents were on the other side of that choice. The locusts ate well.
Now, he is dying. He doesn't remember who I am. When he was in the hospital a while back, I went to visit him every day. He didn't know me then, but it was wonderful. We chatted, he smiled at me. He loved the day Kaily came. He liked pretty girls. My heart sorrows for the years that we can't retrieve, the years that were eaten so harshly. He never really met Harley....never got to really know Savannah. Out of our girls only Emily and Hillary have true memories. I cry for knowing that even after he's gone, things won't change. The locusts get fat on bitterness.
I know that the Lord has seen this. He knows how things unfolded, indeed He allowed them. He knows the hurt in my heart, knows how I ache to be loved by my grandparents. Please understand that I am skirting the issues with them delicately. There is a lot of history that I have not covered. And will not in honor of my family.
It is the enemy's job to steal, kill and destroy. He has done well with this relationship. I know God promises to give back what the locusts eat, but also a dog will return to it's own vomit. I have no control over my grandma....she is responsible for herself. I will continue to pray. I will allow myself this day to mourn the years that are gone. I will allow this time to wish things were different. I will grieve for the grandpa that brushed my hair and introduced me to Disneyland.
I will let God do the rest. The locust may continue to eat, but I will not let them steal more from me.
His will be done. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The Silence
It's quiet in my house. The dogs are sleeping and the children are back at school. As I went about my morning, I was hit with the certainty that slowly but surely the girls are growing up. I will be 41 in a month....I am a grandmother. The realization that we have 3 daughters (essentially) out of the house hit me like a piano from the sky. We only have 3 left and one of those is graduating next year. Holy Cow....it's quiet around here!
For over half my life, I have been a mother. My days have been full of ever changing daughters, doctor appointments, crying, laughing and cleaning. Slowly, things began to change. Our pace sped up, girls got older. Before it seemed real, Little Bit started school. Believe it or not, I relished in the silence. I didn't cry when she went to school, I rejoiced.
Every year, when school lets out, I gear up for the summer. Our summers are full of adventure, loud and boisterous teens and lazy days. We go until we can't go anymore. When school starts I am giddy. The house is silent. I cherish and treasure my time with the girls, yet enjoy the time alone. And I think I'm supposed to.
We get the blessing of these children for what seems like eternity. Sometimes, we think those toddler days will never end, that they'll wear diapers forever. We think they'll never grow up to be functioning members of society, that perhaps we'll not let them see their 16th birthday. We think that we want them to stay small forever, to stay young so they never get hurt and we can protect them always. But.....we really don't.
There is such joy in seeing your girl come home from her first day at college glowing, stories of a wonderful day falling off her lips. It's amazing when you see your daughter with her daughter, and then you get to enjoy that baby without all the responsibility. There is bittersweet happy in the "last" firsts. As we get to our 5th 13 year old, we know to pull up our bootstraps....that age is tricky. We find promise in the coming years....when it's just Matty and I. We don't stop trying to protect them, but at some point they will protect us. We never want them to get hurt...sometimes a little hurt grows them. (bubble wrap and the Amish never did materialize)
In the silence, I hear the past. That's a good thing. The best thing is the moving forward, going into tomorrow with boldness. Embrace the quiet, it really doesn't last long.
For over half my life, I have been a mother. My days have been full of ever changing daughters, doctor appointments, crying, laughing and cleaning. Slowly, things began to change. Our pace sped up, girls got older. Before it seemed real, Little Bit started school. Believe it or not, I relished in the silence. I didn't cry when she went to school, I rejoiced.
Every year, when school lets out, I gear up for the summer. Our summers are full of adventure, loud and boisterous teens and lazy days. We go until we can't go anymore. When school starts I am giddy. The house is silent. I cherish and treasure my time with the girls, yet enjoy the time alone. And I think I'm supposed to.
We get the blessing of these children for what seems like eternity. Sometimes, we think those toddler days will never end, that they'll wear diapers forever. We think they'll never grow up to be functioning members of society, that perhaps we'll not let them see their 16th birthday. We think that we want them to stay small forever, to stay young so they never get hurt and we can protect them always. But.....we really don't.
There is such joy in seeing your girl come home from her first day at college glowing, stories of a wonderful day falling off her lips. It's amazing when you see your daughter with her daughter, and then you get to enjoy that baby without all the responsibility. There is bittersweet happy in the "last" firsts. As we get to our 5th 13 year old, we know to pull up our bootstraps....that age is tricky. We find promise in the coming years....when it's just Matty and I. We don't stop trying to protect them, but at some point they will protect us. We never want them to get hurt...sometimes a little hurt grows them. (bubble wrap and the Amish never did materialize)
In the silence, I hear the past. That's a good thing. The best thing is the moving forward, going into tomorrow with boldness. Embrace the quiet, it really doesn't last long.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Shattered
When a glass hits my tile floor, it shatters. If someone were to throw a rock at my window, it would shatter. When someone tells you they can't be in this relationship right now, your heart could shatter. Those shatters hurt the most. It's happened to our girls, it's happened to me. And now, it's happened to someone that isn't mine, but I hurt for.
I don't know what will happen next. Her heart hurts too, but she puts on a pretty face. She pretends everything is okay. I see his confusion, his looks of despair and sorrow. I don't know what God has in play, but it's bigger than the two of them. I do believe that God is moving in a magnificent way in his life. And that will be wonderful to watch. But for now....he is shattered.
When you give someone permission to be themselves, it takes a lot of weight off of them. It allows them to truly show who they are. That is a good thing. There is a lot of growth that needs to take place and both of them need to figure out who they really are....with God, as themselves and then perhaps, as a couple. I don't know.
What I do know is that sometimes, you can fix a shattered piece of glass. You can perhaps turn it into something more beautiful than it was, create something new and different. Sometimes, looking at it a unique way is all it takes. Just because it's shattered, doesn't mean it's broken forever.
God sees the shattered hearts. He sees the tears and the inside feelings that may be hidden. He knows motives and desires and all the things we tuck away inside ourselves. You are not hidden from Him, dear one. You may not understand, but He does. You may feel all shattered and jumbled, but on the other side of this....you'll see the beautiful creation He has waiting. Lean on Him, let Him be your guide to all things.
Through the sadness, there will be joy. Through the uncertainty, there will be steadiness. As you walk around the glass shards of the broken heart, there will be restoration. I promise. Sometimes, He allows us to shatter so we can depend on Him to create something new. Wait for it....it'll be spectacular!
I don't know what will happen next. Her heart hurts too, but she puts on a pretty face. She pretends everything is okay. I see his confusion, his looks of despair and sorrow. I don't know what God has in play, but it's bigger than the two of them. I do believe that God is moving in a magnificent way in his life. And that will be wonderful to watch. But for now....he is shattered.
When you give someone permission to be themselves, it takes a lot of weight off of them. It allows them to truly show who they are. That is a good thing. There is a lot of growth that needs to take place and both of them need to figure out who they really are....with God, as themselves and then perhaps, as a couple. I don't know.
What I do know is that sometimes, you can fix a shattered piece of glass. You can perhaps turn it into something more beautiful than it was, create something new and different. Sometimes, looking at it a unique way is all it takes. Just because it's shattered, doesn't mean it's broken forever.
God sees the shattered hearts. He sees the tears and the inside feelings that may be hidden. He knows motives and desires and all the things we tuck away inside ourselves. You are not hidden from Him, dear one. You may not understand, but He does. You may feel all shattered and jumbled, but on the other side of this....you'll see the beautiful creation He has waiting. Lean on Him, let Him be your guide to all things.
Through the sadness, there will be joy. Through the uncertainty, there will be steadiness. As you walk around the glass shards of the broken heart, there will be restoration. I promise. Sometimes, He allows us to shatter so we can depend on Him to create something new. Wait for it....it'll be spectacular!
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Finding The Other
What is it about finding "The One"? I know I was obsessed with it....looked around, wrote my story, fell into pit and finally found my "other". Other what? 1/2, self.....and on and on. I think girls become more obsessed than boys. And as young ladies, they get hit with an urgency. An urgency to quickly find the other.
We have one girl who really just wants to wait for God. But all around her, friends are pairing up and becoming all relational. I think she's feeling like a lonely fish in a big, huge pond. She KNOWS that God has a story written/yet to write. Sometimes though, it's just hard to be patient. Especially when the billboard doesn't change. She's not seeing any signs, not seeing any BIG movement on the 'fish' front. I try to encourage her....but it's hard when you just feel like you don't fit.
We have another girl that doesn't want to wait. She is constantly going out to find her other. And they come and go. They breeze in and out, her heart worse for the wear. I am always saying that she will have no rest until she is complete with God alone. She shrugs and marches on.
We have the one girl, who appears to have a classic romance, straight out of an '80's movie. But all isn't always well. The communication needs work, the emotions run high. I don't know how things will go with this one, we just wait for God to unfold the pages.
I sit and I watch. I wait for hearts to break and girls to break hearts. I watch the children scurry like ants, struggling to find the other. I watch as people get torn apart by sadness and marriages fall apart by sorrow. I ache in those stories. I watch the ones who should be together wait for God to move and wonder if in fact, He's waiting for them to do the moving. I watch the ones who shouldn't be together force themselves to fit in the same puzzle. And I watch the ones who God waits for....to see if they'll climb up out of the pit.
I get it. The urgency, the desire to be loved and the desire to know the search is over. The truth is, some of the matches won't last. Some of them are meant to be later, meant to not be at all. Sometimes, the other isn't the right one. We fit people into our box, desire them to love us and convince ourselves that it must be God's will. And sometimes, we ignore the opportunity when in fact God's will is to continue forward. It's hard, this being human. Good thing we're not long for this world! But that is another blog.
There is One that should never be an 'other'. He is the King, the Lord of Lords. He is the one who designed each one, designed each heart and each 'other'. We need to trust that He's got this. Even if finding the other takes a long time....that too is His. Don't rush it, breathe, enjoy this life and keep moving. Don't get stuck, waiting. His plan will unfold....it's just harder when all you're doing is watching the paint dry.
Be brave, be bold and go forward. His plan is divine!
We have one girl who really just wants to wait for God. But all around her, friends are pairing up and becoming all relational. I think she's feeling like a lonely fish in a big, huge pond. She KNOWS that God has a story written/yet to write. Sometimes though, it's just hard to be patient. Especially when the billboard doesn't change. She's not seeing any signs, not seeing any BIG movement on the 'fish' front. I try to encourage her....but it's hard when you just feel like you don't fit.
We have another girl that doesn't want to wait. She is constantly going out to find her other. And they come and go. They breeze in and out, her heart worse for the wear. I am always saying that she will have no rest until she is complete with God alone. She shrugs and marches on.
We have the one girl, who appears to have a classic romance, straight out of an '80's movie. But all isn't always well. The communication needs work, the emotions run high. I don't know how things will go with this one, we just wait for God to unfold the pages.
I sit and I watch. I wait for hearts to break and girls to break hearts. I watch the children scurry like ants, struggling to find the other. I watch as people get torn apart by sadness and marriages fall apart by sorrow. I ache in those stories. I watch the ones who should be together wait for God to move and wonder if in fact, He's waiting for them to do the moving. I watch the ones who shouldn't be together force themselves to fit in the same puzzle. And I watch the ones who God waits for....to see if they'll climb up out of the pit.
I get it. The urgency, the desire to be loved and the desire to know the search is over. The truth is, some of the matches won't last. Some of them are meant to be later, meant to not be at all. Sometimes, the other isn't the right one. We fit people into our box, desire them to love us and convince ourselves that it must be God's will. And sometimes, we ignore the opportunity when in fact God's will is to continue forward. It's hard, this being human. Good thing we're not long for this world! But that is another blog.
There is One that should never be an 'other'. He is the King, the Lord of Lords. He is the one who designed each one, designed each heart and each 'other'. We need to trust that He's got this. Even if finding the other takes a long time....that too is His. Don't rush it, breathe, enjoy this life and keep moving. Don't get stuck, waiting. His plan will unfold....it's just harder when all you're doing is watching the paint dry.
Be brave, be bold and go forward. His plan is divine!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
In LaLa Land
Once upon a time, a little girl had a dream. She dreamed that her prince would come one day. He would be tall, handsome and would give her everything she ever wanted. Her children would be born with nary a squall and they would be darling little angels. Hmmmmm. Well.
So, he didn't ride a horse. And while he is handsome, he isn't super tall. He tries to give me everything I want....even some things he wishes I want. Like a tool set. The children were all born squalling and as for the angel part, well those are saved for heaven.
It's so far from the fairytale dream that I (and all little girls)dreamt of. The movies show it so well. Funny thing about the fairytale, they never actually go into the ever after part. I'm quite sure those princesses (you know who they are) got quite irritated when that prince charming showed up late for dinner....with COMPANY. And I'm sure she wasn't always put together and perhaps she even watched her husband eat and wondered how on earth she could've thought he was so darn charming?! And although they don't go into the children aspect, I'm sure those kiddos were naughty a time or two.
The fairytale part is easy. It's falling in love and butterflies and talking of shared dreams. It's stolen kisses and snuggles late at night. It's a dozen roses and remembering down to the moment the important things. I think more time should be spent on the ever after.
It's not always pretty here in the ever after. It's fighting, making up, watching that one movie one more time.....even though you hate it. It's trying to figure out how you're going to pay for things, how to be in his company. It's laughing and crying. It's pulling together and making things work even when you're not quite sure you even like the guy anymore. It's choosing to love him....every day. It's him sleeping on the couch because he knows I can't sleep with him snoring like that, it's me kicking him trying to get him to stop said snoring. It's rejoicing over the first grandchild and cheering as another girl graduates. It's him buying me a tea just because.
The ever after is a place after the fairytale. Sometimes it's dark and dreary and sometimes it's lovely and a party. We're still in love and I still get butterflies. We still have shared dreams and have seen some of those come true. Sometimes the kisses aren't so much stolen as a misstep as we're drifting off to sleep and the snuggles typically last only a minute. If there's money for roses, there's something to be paid and remembering the little important things is a distant memory. But....that's all ok.
Here's the deal: You can live in LaLa land and be surprised when it all goes haywire. Or you can realize that you're marrying an actual person. A real live prince who won't always be princely. Let things change, let the fairytale go.
The reality is so much better.
So, he didn't ride a horse. And while he is handsome, he isn't super tall. He tries to give me everything I want....even some things he wishes I want. Like a tool set. The children were all born squalling and as for the angel part, well those are saved for heaven.
It's so far from the fairytale dream that I (and all little girls)dreamt of. The movies show it so well. Funny thing about the fairytale, they never actually go into the ever after part. I'm quite sure those princesses (you know who they are) got quite irritated when that prince charming showed up late for dinner....with COMPANY. And I'm sure she wasn't always put together and perhaps she even watched her husband eat and wondered how on earth she could've thought he was so darn charming?! And although they don't go into the children aspect, I'm sure those kiddos were naughty a time or two.
The fairytale part is easy. It's falling in love and butterflies and talking of shared dreams. It's stolen kisses and snuggles late at night. It's a dozen roses and remembering down to the moment the important things. I think more time should be spent on the ever after.
It's not always pretty here in the ever after. It's fighting, making up, watching that one movie one more time.....even though you hate it. It's trying to figure out how you're going to pay for things, how to be in his company. It's laughing and crying. It's pulling together and making things work even when you're not quite sure you even like the guy anymore. It's choosing to love him....every day. It's him sleeping on the couch because he knows I can't sleep with him snoring like that, it's me kicking him trying to get him to stop said snoring. It's rejoicing over the first grandchild and cheering as another girl graduates. It's him buying me a tea just because.
The ever after is a place after the fairytale. Sometimes it's dark and dreary and sometimes it's lovely and a party. We're still in love and I still get butterflies. We still have shared dreams and have seen some of those come true. Sometimes the kisses aren't so much stolen as a misstep as we're drifting off to sleep and the snuggles typically last only a minute. If there's money for roses, there's something to be paid and remembering the little important things is a distant memory. But....that's all ok.
Here's the deal: You can live in LaLa land and be surprised when it all goes haywire. Or you can realize that you're marrying an actual person. A real live prince who won't always be princely. Let things change, let the fairytale go.
The reality is so much better.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Very Confuzzling
I am confuzzled. Not sure what to write tonight. I have so much on my heart.
Such as: that girls German is here. In a month, they'll be saying goodbye. Again. And she'll be a mess until he's gone for a bit. All will be good until he comes back. Sigh, a heart wrenching circle to be sure.
Such as: Girls headed off to college. TWO of them. One a "veteran" college girl, one a newbie.
Such as: Matty's CNA school/job. Such a good thing, but still......
Such as: Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are all right around the corner.
Such as: Feeling not quite all together.
I was reading my friends blog (you know who you are) and she is having this deep, philosophical discussion about homosexuality and recent events. I am astounded at the way she is handling it. I'm not sure I would be quite the same. She is being very grown up with it all....not sure if I would show the same maturity.
We get to where we believe what we believe. And that's that. We lose sight of the why's and simply stamp our feet and go from there. They should just follow. Why?? Because we say so?? It's like our girl with the German boyfriend....she kinda, sorta expects him to be American. And no matter how frustrated she gets, he doesn't suddenly become American. Go figure. She's trying to be patient, but she's young. It'll come.
We set things up in our heads and they make perfect sense. Most of the time, I don't understand why the person I'm talking to doesn't get it. I mean, if I think it....that should be all they need, right??! WRONG! I need to remember that not only can people NOT read my mind, they also don't have to agree with me. I know that's a strange concept.
My mind and heart are so full, I just can't put it all down. I'm thinking alot, trying to figure out where I need to be and what I need to change. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and still strong. Trying to figure out how to do all that needs to be done. Trying to figure out how to not be confuzzled.
I love the Lord, He is the director of my life. He is the author of all things, the King of kings. I know that He sees me, know that He loves me. I also know that He's letting me puzzle through my confuzzlement. That's the hard part.
Hey, friend. Go, Fight, Win. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you much!
Such as: that girls German is here. In a month, they'll be saying goodbye. Again. And she'll be a mess until he's gone for a bit. All will be good until he comes back. Sigh, a heart wrenching circle to be sure.
Such as: Girls headed off to college. TWO of them. One a "veteran" college girl, one a newbie.
Such as: Matty's CNA school/job. Such a good thing, but still......
Such as: Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are all right around the corner.
Such as: Feeling not quite all together.
I was reading my friends blog (you know who you are) and she is having this deep, philosophical discussion about homosexuality and recent events. I am astounded at the way she is handling it. I'm not sure I would be quite the same. She is being very grown up with it all....not sure if I would show the same maturity.
We get to where we believe what we believe. And that's that. We lose sight of the why's and simply stamp our feet and go from there. They should just follow. Why?? Because we say so?? It's like our girl with the German boyfriend....she kinda, sorta expects him to be American. And no matter how frustrated she gets, he doesn't suddenly become American. Go figure. She's trying to be patient, but she's young. It'll come.
We set things up in our heads and they make perfect sense. Most of the time, I don't understand why the person I'm talking to doesn't get it. I mean, if I think it....that should be all they need, right??! WRONG! I need to remember that not only can people NOT read my mind, they also don't have to agree with me. I know that's a strange concept.
My mind and heart are so full, I just can't put it all down. I'm thinking alot, trying to figure out where I need to be and what I need to change. Trying to figure out how to be supportive and still strong. Trying to figure out how to do all that needs to be done. Trying to figure out how to not be confuzzled.
I love the Lord, He is the director of my life. He is the author of all things, the King of kings. I know that He sees me, know that He loves me. I also know that He's letting me puzzle through my confuzzlement. That's the hard part.
Hey, friend. Go, Fight, Win. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you much!
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