Teenage secrets

I have a secret. I know, I'm not a teenager. But I still have a secret. I have an eating disorder. I don't look like it now, but after I had Harley I got down to 140 pounds. From 220! With the help of not eating the pounds came off fast! It started out simple and innocent. A program through church. Watching what you eat and journaling. Well, when I would journal I would see what I was eating and counting calories. It looked like too much. So I quit. Somedays I would eat 1 chicken nugget and worry it'd get me fat. I told Matty that I ate before he got home and I wasn't hungry. The turning point for me was when I was trying to throw up (the ONLY time I ever did that) and Savannah, in her sweet tiny voice, asked "Mommy, are you sick?" from outside the bathroom door. WAKE UP CALL! So from then on I ate "normal", sometimes a little too normal. UGH! If this had been the only incident, eating disorder would've been too strong a phrase. But it wasn't. I went through it in 1999.
And before that it began when I was a teenager.....
AS a teen girl, I struggled. I thought I was fat. I didn't look like my cousin and I felt as though everyone else was thinner than me. So I didn't eat. Didn't like myself better either. But it was a secret. There are many secrets teens keep. Boys, girls....it's not gender specific. It seems like as long as these secrets aren't in our personal lives, we ignore them. As long as it's someone else's kid. But what if it is our child and we don't know it? Cutting, drugs, sex, pornography, huffing, anorexia, bulemia. These are the secrets that haunt our children, the secrets that long to destroy. They are, of course, a tool of the enemy. A weapon of the evil one's making.
There are ads, billboards and magazines that convince our daughters that they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough of have the right "body". They tell our boys that the only beautiful woman is one who is a size 1. They teach our boys that if she doesn't fit a certain bra, she's not worthy. They teach our girls that plastic surgery is the ONLY way to be beautiful. And you MUST dress just like them! Otherwise you are nothing!
If they feel bad about themselves, they hurt themselves. Cutting, eraser burns, huffing etc. What goes on in their minds that they feel to hurt themselves is the ONLY way to feel better? What hurts their heart so much that sometimes they take their own lives?
These demons that plague our children don't target specific "types". We like to think it's "those" kids, couldn't possibly be ours! But it is. It's the popular jock who's parents have lots of money, it's the homecoming queen with friends to spare. It's the computer guy with a million dollars in his future, it's the quiet girl who's headed to Harvard. It's your little girl or boy....the one you cuddled and love. It's mine....it's anyones.
As parent who love the Lord and have raised our girls to love Him also, we do have a head start. We have a Father who loves them more than we do. Sometimes, I think we think that because we have a "direct line" we get a pass on these types of things. It doesn't work that way folks. It's not all hill with no valleys. The joy is that He knows our children, inside and out. He knows what's going on. He sees them when we can't. He holds them when we don't know how....and He gives us truth when we need it. We may not want it, but we get it. Would I rather know the secrets my teens keep or have them stay hidden? I'd rather not know. With knowing comes a sense of failure, a sense of sorrow and heaviness. Yet with not knowing.....that road is one I don't want to travel. At least with knowing, I can help....pray or get help. My secret followed me into adulthood, affected my life. It's not hidden anymore and no longer has power. I realized that no matter how thin I got, I didn't love myself any more. I loved myself less. I looked good....didn't feel it. Now I just want to be healthy. I don't want secrets to destroy our children. His children.
The new "cutting" is giving oneself eraser burns. Sometimes it's done for fun. It doesn't look fun, it looks painful. It causes deep wounds, scabs and scars. I want to "tsk tsk" over someone elses child and rejoice it's not mine. But it is mine....her hand will heal, we've had a long talk and I pray it doesn't happen again. I've told her that if she feels like she doesn't know what to do, come talk to us. We may not understand, but we will love her through it. And I'm suffering under the weight of guilt. What did I do or not do? Sigh. I take comfort in knowing He loves her....nothing can snatch her away. They hurt and hold it in, not sure how to let it out.
We need to claim our children, grab them back, hold onto them and remind them Who they belong to. We need to pray and pray hard. We need to remember that it's not just the "other" kids....it can be ours too! Maybe it's just a moment in time, a snapshot of a frustrated teen, aching to find an outlet. Maybe it's an all the time and we need to pray for hidden secrets to be shown. Maybe it's just once....but that's too many times.
She's a good kid, with a heart for God.....she just needs to be reminded that she's His. We need to ask questions....and be ready for the answers. She's not the only kid and we're not the only parents. Talk about it more, tell your friends and see who else has been there....you might be suprised.

Chellsei says "Eat Skittles!"