The softest sound. The sound of a daughter crying into her pillow, her sorrow palatable. My heart crying out to hers, wanting to hold her close and smack the boy who hurt her. It's the same girl, friends. And this is the boy who was worried about the "flow" of boys through her life, was worried about just being another "flowing" fellow. He wanted to be the "it". He waited almost 3 months to tell her he loved her. And I witnessed it. He held her close, whispered in her ear. I felt like I was intruding, sharing in something private. Yet here we are tonight. Her heart broken. Not sure where his is at. She feels played and like she'll never find a "good" one. Sigh. Personally, I think he lost out....big time.
BUT....there is a reason for the flow of boys in and out of her life. Minor reasons: She is careful with others hearts....she is only 15....she is able to witness, to share her love for God....which leads to the major reason:
God Himself! She is His bride! I believe He created someone just for her. But first, she has to be content with Him. She needs to lean on no other and learn to lay her burdens, cares and worries at His feet. He sees her. He knows her inside and out. He created her with a plan for her life. And He knows her distractions, mainly in boy form. I believe He is refining her. Maybe it's a silly thought, but who am I (or anyone else) to judge what refines someone?
She will remember this one. She, in her 15 heart, believes she LOVES him. Yet, for a while now, the still, quiet whisper of the Lord has been spoken into her heart. This girl has promised God she wouldn't kiss anyone unless he was her husband. The enemy had just about convinced her it was ok to give it to this boy. Amazing how the Lord's whisper got louder, how the words to a song at a concert spoke volumes and how it all fell apart just in time. The enemy strong, our God is stronger.
I wish I could say all the right things, spout wisdom like a fountain and, like always, wrap the girls in bubble wrap. I wish I could hand pick their husbands and put them in a box until they're ready for marriage. I wish I could know the future...and know if she'll ever get her kiss. I believe she will, believe God will honor her heart. But I also know that if that isn't His plan, He will give her peace. It comes down to this. God is the "Good" One. Not only that, He is the ONLY one that will ever love these daughters unconditionally and without ceasing. He will love them through sorrow and through happiness, through anger and hurt. Do I believe they will get married? Yes....but I only want that for them in God's time. And only according to HIS plan. Until then I will dry tears, snuggle them close and pray over and for them. And that's enough.
"'For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord,'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12
she prays nightly for the boys who have flowed through her life....and she truly does mean more to this boy. You see, she planted the seed and God did the sowing.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Family and other people
Family: people you love without knowing why. My daughters tease me because in on child's baby book I wrote the phrase "I don't know why I love you". Of course I meant it in the way of "my love is just given without limits and knowledge"....she took it as I thought she was unlovable. (Not really, but that's what she teases me about)I have learned that there are many definitions of family. I have learned that those who are blood related aren't always family.
Example: My grandparents. They don't talk to me. I've seen them a handful of times in the last 11 years and only when something major was going on. My cousins death, my grandpa's brain surgery. Other than that, they disowned me when I married Matt. Mostly it was because he had dated my cousin (the one who died) before he dated me. And they don't like anyone who didn't stay with her. After a very horrible letter to me, our relationship ended. And so did their relationship with their son, my dad. I realized how much he loves me.....and Matty. They are bitter, angry people....sad without the true knowledge of the Lord. My grandpa in recent times has been sorrowful, yet it's hard. I am pressed to love them, so I do. In this situation, "family" is a tough word to use.
Then there are those who you love by choice. There is a man in my life who has been there since I was very young. He is my "Uncle" Dave. He's been my dad's best friend forever. I hated him. He annoyed me and I couldn't stand him. Turns out, he sold our house when I was about 3 or 4 and I was mad at him because of that. And once, when I had to take a bus with him, I would NOT sit by him. Yet as the years have gone by, I realize he loves my dad. He would do anything for him and probably me. He is family. Not by blood, but by choice. There are others like that. My friend Michelle....the girls call her "Aunt" Michelle and her hubby "Uncle" BWB. They are the "Other People"
Matty proved that family by choice is amazing when he adopted Hillary as his own when she was 13. And in the way he takes care of the other girls. Friends, he was 23 when we met, 24 when we got married. And I came with FOUR daughters. I am amazed everyday that he really chose me.
Another chose me. From the very beginning, before the earth was formed, God knew my name. He knew the names of the daughters He would allow me to have. Knew the day I would know Him. His blood paid for me. His choice made me family. I am in awe of how He loves me. In awe of the fact that He knew everything I would do, everything I would go through and every way I would fail. And He still chose me! There is no better feeling than to know I am His beloved. It's amazzzzzzzing! I am in great company in this family....and blessed to call each one my sibling in Christ. Remember that there are different types of families, but God puts each one together. You are chosen, beloved and blessed.
Example: My grandparents. They don't talk to me. I've seen them a handful of times in the last 11 years and only when something major was going on. My cousins death, my grandpa's brain surgery. Other than that, they disowned me when I married Matt. Mostly it was because he had dated my cousin (the one who died) before he dated me. And they don't like anyone who didn't stay with her. After a very horrible letter to me, our relationship ended. And so did their relationship with their son, my dad. I realized how much he loves me.....and Matty. They are bitter, angry people....sad without the true knowledge of the Lord. My grandpa in recent times has been sorrowful, yet it's hard. I am pressed to love them, so I do. In this situation, "family" is a tough word to use.
Then there are those who you love by choice. There is a man in my life who has been there since I was very young. He is my "Uncle" Dave. He's been my dad's best friend forever. I hated him. He annoyed me and I couldn't stand him. Turns out, he sold our house when I was about 3 or 4 and I was mad at him because of that. And once, when I had to take a bus with him, I would NOT sit by him. Yet as the years have gone by, I realize he loves my dad. He would do anything for him and probably me. He is family. Not by blood, but by choice. There are others like that. My friend Michelle....the girls call her "Aunt" Michelle and her hubby "Uncle" BWB. They are the "Other People"
Matty proved that family by choice is amazing when he adopted Hillary as his own when she was 13. And in the way he takes care of the other girls. Friends, he was 23 when we met, 24 when we got married. And I came with FOUR daughters. I am amazed everyday that he really chose me.
Another chose me. From the very beginning, before the earth was formed, God knew my name. He knew the names of the daughters He would allow me to have. Knew the day I would know Him. His blood paid for me. His choice made me family. I am in awe of how He loves me. In awe of the fact that He knew everything I would do, everything I would go through and every way I would fail. And He still chose me! There is no better feeling than to know I am His beloved. It's amazzzzzzzing! I am in great company in this family....and blessed to call each one my sibling in Christ. Remember that there are different types of families, but God puts each one together. You are chosen, beloved and blessed.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Freeze!
I am 38. Seeing the numbers in front of me, I am apalled. It looks so old. I don't feel old...I don't think I look old. (nobody comment please) Except right now I kind of do....my roots are showing. Terribly. But really, time is moving right along. It doesn't care that I only have 7 more months to enjoy my 8 year old. Then she'll be 9.
That same month, we will have a second adult child. Be still my heart!
As a youth, time moves slowly. You live for Christmas vacation, spring break and the joy of all joys: Summer Vacation. You whine and complain about everything you have to do in school.....good grief! I can't believe I thought high school was hard! If not for all the drama that goes on, I would go back. (not really) Once you're out of school, maybe married with children, time zooms along! Your first baby is fantastic. Every moment recorded, every milestone written down. Along comes baby 2....hmmmm, time seems to have gotten faster. In my case, babies 3,4,5 and 6 took ALL my time! Then one day, they aren't babies. They're tweens. And they say the darndest things. Ask anyone who knows Little Bit....they'll agree. Then they're teens. Then adults. Then what? I find myself with time again in every aspect of my life except with them. It refuses to slow down, stop their growing process. Time refuses to let me catch up to their emotions, refuses to let me get ahead of their hurts. It doesn't let me put bubble wrap down everywhere they will walk and learn lessons. It's almost not fair.
Time doesn't even let me stop aging while Matty catches up. He's about 31/2 years younger than me. It doesn't bother me when we're in the same decade. ie:30's. But guess what! I will be 40 in 19 months. UGH! Cause then I'm in my 40's and he's in his 30's. Makes me snivel. *whine whine* Ok, pity party over. For now. *grin*
I realized the other day that my parents are almost 60. My dad is starting to look like I remember my grandpa looking and my grandpa looks super OLD now. They don't seem any older to me, they're just my parents. But they are....their bodies tell the tale and they have doctor bills to prove it!
It seems like the older I get, the further old gets away. But when I see kids I knew as babies and they are driving, dating or even married I realize just how much time has gone by. My memory plays tricks, convinces me that time has stood still. That people are just as I remember them. Then I see them after years of remembering. And they are nothing like my memory told me. And I realize that as much as I'd like to freeze time, it won't stop or even slow down. I need to enjoy the every day with each daughter. Celebrate each age and pray continuously. I need to age gracefully (yes, mom, that does mean getting my hair dyed) and savor every moment with those I love. Life is an adventure. Time is the current....move along.
While I'm aging gracefully, I will have pink highlights....And I will enjoy my semi-cougarish status....*wink*
That same month, we will have a second adult child. Be still my heart!
As a youth, time moves slowly. You live for Christmas vacation, spring break and the joy of all joys: Summer Vacation. You whine and complain about everything you have to do in school.....good grief! I can't believe I thought high school was hard! If not for all the drama that goes on, I would go back. (not really) Once you're out of school, maybe married with children, time zooms along! Your first baby is fantastic. Every moment recorded, every milestone written down. Along comes baby 2....hmmmm, time seems to have gotten faster. In my case, babies 3,4,5 and 6 took ALL my time! Then one day, they aren't babies. They're tweens. And they say the darndest things. Ask anyone who knows Little Bit....they'll agree. Then they're teens. Then adults. Then what? I find myself with time again in every aspect of my life except with them. It refuses to slow down, stop their growing process. Time refuses to let me catch up to their emotions, refuses to let me get ahead of their hurts. It doesn't let me put bubble wrap down everywhere they will walk and learn lessons. It's almost not fair.
Time doesn't even let me stop aging while Matty catches up. He's about 31/2 years younger than me. It doesn't bother me when we're in the same decade. ie:30's. But guess what! I will be 40 in 19 months. UGH! Cause then I'm in my 40's and he's in his 30's. Makes me snivel. *whine whine* Ok, pity party over. For now. *grin*
I realized the other day that my parents are almost 60. My dad is starting to look like I remember my grandpa looking and my grandpa looks super OLD now. They don't seem any older to me, they're just my parents. But they are....their bodies tell the tale and they have doctor bills to prove it!
It seems like the older I get, the further old gets away. But when I see kids I knew as babies and they are driving, dating or even married I realize just how much time has gone by. My memory plays tricks, convinces me that time has stood still. That people are just as I remember them. Then I see them after years of remembering. And they are nothing like my memory told me. And I realize that as much as I'd like to freeze time, it won't stop or even slow down. I need to enjoy the every day with each daughter. Celebrate each age and pray continuously. I need to age gracefully (yes, mom, that does mean getting my hair dyed) and savor every moment with those I love. Life is an adventure. Time is the current....move along.
While I'm aging gracefully, I will have pink highlights....And I will enjoy my semi-cougarish status....*wink*
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Teenage secrets
I have a secret. I know, I'm not a teenager. But I still have a secret. I have an eating disorder. I don't look like it now, but after I had Harley I got down to 140 pounds. From 220! With the help of not eating the pounds came off fast! It started out simple and innocent. A program through church. Watching what you eat and journaling. Well, when I would journal I would see what I was eating and counting calories. It looked like too much. So I quit. Somedays I would eat 1 chicken nugget and worry it'd get me fat. I told Matty that I ate before he got home and I wasn't hungry. The turning point for me was when I was trying to throw up (the ONLY time I ever did that) and Savannah, in her sweet tiny voice, asked "Mommy, are you sick?" from outside the bathroom door. WAKE UP CALL! So from then on I ate "normal", sometimes a little too normal. UGH! If this had been the only incident, eating disorder would've been too strong a phrase. But it wasn't. I went through it in 1999.
And before that it began when I was a teenager.....
AS a teen girl, I struggled. I thought I was fat. I didn't look like my cousin and I felt as though everyone else was thinner than me. So I didn't eat. Didn't like myself better either. But it was a secret. There are many secrets teens keep. Boys, girls....it's not gender specific. It seems like as long as these secrets aren't in our personal lives, we ignore them. As long as it's someone else's kid. But what if it is our child and we don't know it? Cutting, drugs, sex, pornography, huffing, anorexia, bulemia. These are the secrets that haunt our children, the secrets that long to destroy. They are, of course, a tool of the enemy. A weapon of the evil one's making.
There are ads, billboards and magazines that convince our daughters that they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough of have the right "body". They tell our boys that the only beautiful woman is one who is a size 1. They teach our boys that if she doesn't fit a certain bra, she's not worthy. They teach our girls that plastic surgery is the ONLY way to be beautiful. And you MUST dress just like them! Otherwise you are nothing!
If they feel bad about themselves, they hurt themselves. Cutting, eraser burns, huffing etc. What goes on in their minds that they feel to hurt themselves is the ONLY way to feel better? What hurts their heart so much that sometimes they take their own lives?
These demons that plague our children don't target specific "types". We like to think it's "those" kids, couldn't possibly be ours! But it is. It's the popular jock who's parents have lots of money, it's the homecoming queen with friends to spare. It's the computer guy with a million dollars in his future, it's the quiet girl who's headed to Harvard. It's your little girl or boy....the one you cuddled and love. It's mine....it's anyones.
As parent who love the Lord and have raised our girls to love Him also, we do have a head start. We have a Father who loves them more than we do. Sometimes, I think we think that because we have a "direct line" we get a pass on these types of things. It doesn't work that way folks. It's not all hill with no valleys. The joy is that He knows our children, inside and out. He knows what's going on. He sees them when we can't. He holds them when we don't know how....and He gives us truth when we need it. We may not want it, but we get it. Would I rather know the secrets my teens keep or have them stay hidden? I'd rather not know. With knowing comes a sense of failure, a sense of sorrow and heaviness. Yet with not knowing.....that road is one I don't want to travel. At least with knowing, I can help....pray or get help. My secret followed me into adulthood, affected my life. It's not hidden anymore and no longer has power. I realized that no matter how thin I got, I didn't love myself any more. I loved myself less. I looked good....didn't feel it. Now I just want to be healthy. I don't want secrets to destroy our children. His children.
The new "cutting" is giving oneself eraser burns. Sometimes it's done for fun. It doesn't look fun, it looks painful. It causes deep wounds, scabs and scars. I want to "tsk tsk" over someone elses child and rejoice it's not mine. But it is mine....her hand will heal, we've had a long talk and I pray it doesn't happen again. I've told her that if she feels like she doesn't know what to do, come talk to us. We may not understand, but we will love her through it. And I'm suffering under the weight of guilt. What did I do or not do? Sigh. I take comfort in knowing He loves her....nothing can snatch her away. They hurt and hold it in, not sure how to let it out.
We need to claim our children, grab them back, hold onto them and remind them Who they belong to. We need to pray and pray hard. We need to remember that it's not just the "other" kids....it can be ours too! Maybe it's just a moment in time, a snapshot of a frustrated teen, aching to find an outlet. Maybe it's an all the time and we need to pray for hidden secrets to be shown. Maybe it's just once....but that's too many times.
She's a good kid, with a heart for God.....she just needs to be reminded that she's His. We need to ask questions....and be ready for the answers. She's not the only kid and we're not the only parents. Talk about it more, tell your friends and see who else has been there....you might be suprised.
Chellsei says "Eat Skittles!"
And before that it began when I was a teenager.....
AS a teen girl, I struggled. I thought I was fat. I didn't look like my cousin and I felt as though everyone else was thinner than me. So I didn't eat. Didn't like myself better either. But it was a secret. There are many secrets teens keep. Boys, girls....it's not gender specific. It seems like as long as these secrets aren't in our personal lives, we ignore them. As long as it's someone else's kid. But what if it is our child and we don't know it? Cutting, drugs, sex, pornography, huffing, anorexia, bulemia. These are the secrets that haunt our children, the secrets that long to destroy. They are, of course, a tool of the enemy. A weapon of the evil one's making.
There are ads, billboards and magazines that convince our daughters that they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough of have the right "body". They tell our boys that the only beautiful woman is one who is a size 1. They teach our boys that if she doesn't fit a certain bra, she's not worthy. They teach our girls that plastic surgery is the ONLY way to be beautiful. And you MUST dress just like them! Otherwise you are nothing!
If they feel bad about themselves, they hurt themselves. Cutting, eraser burns, huffing etc. What goes on in their minds that they feel to hurt themselves is the ONLY way to feel better? What hurts their heart so much that sometimes they take their own lives?
These demons that plague our children don't target specific "types". We like to think it's "those" kids, couldn't possibly be ours! But it is. It's the popular jock who's parents have lots of money, it's the homecoming queen with friends to spare. It's the computer guy with a million dollars in his future, it's the quiet girl who's headed to Harvard. It's your little girl or boy....the one you cuddled and love. It's mine....it's anyones.
As parent who love the Lord and have raised our girls to love Him also, we do have a head start. We have a Father who loves them more than we do. Sometimes, I think we think that because we have a "direct line" we get a pass on these types of things. It doesn't work that way folks. It's not all hill with no valleys. The joy is that He knows our children, inside and out. He knows what's going on. He sees them when we can't. He holds them when we don't know how....and He gives us truth when we need it. We may not want it, but we get it. Would I rather know the secrets my teens keep or have them stay hidden? I'd rather not know. With knowing comes a sense of failure, a sense of sorrow and heaviness. Yet with not knowing.....that road is one I don't want to travel. At least with knowing, I can help....pray or get help. My secret followed me into adulthood, affected my life. It's not hidden anymore and no longer has power. I realized that no matter how thin I got, I didn't love myself any more. I loved myself less. I looked good....didn't feel it. Now I just want to be healthy. I don't want secrets to destroy our children. His children.
The new "cutting" is giving oneself eraser burns. Sometimes it's done for fun. It doesn't look fun, it looks painful. It causes deep wounds, scabs and scars. I want to "tsk tsk" over someone elses child and rejoice it's not mine. But it is mine....her hand will heal, we've had a long talk and I pray it doesn't happen again. I've told her that if she feels like she doesn't know what to do, come talk to us. We may not understand, but we will love her through it. And I'm suffering under the weight of guilt. What did I do or not do? Sigh. I take comfort in knowing He loves her....nothing can snatch her away. They hurt and hold it in, not sure how to let it out.
We need to claim our children, grab them back, hold onto them and remind them Who they belong to. We need to pray and pray hard. We need to remember that it's not just the "other" kids....it can be ours too! Maybe it's just a moment in time, a snapshot of a frustrated teen, aching to find an outlet. Maybe it's an all the time and we need to pray for hidden secrets to be shown. Maybe it's just once....but that's too many times.
She's a good kid, with a heart for God.....she just needs to be reminded that she's His. We need to ask questions....and be ready for the answers. She's not the only kid and we're not the only parents. Talk about it more, tell your friends and see who else has been there....you might be suprised.
Chellsei says "Eat Skittles!"
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Mrs....not Miss
There is a myth about marriage. Supposedly at 7 years, an itch hits. With this itch comes a desire to be free, a want for more and being unsatisfied with what you have. Coincidentally, my second marriage ended on our 7th anniversary. The exact day. And honestly, I couldn't tell you what that day was. Or date. I can however, tell you the day I first saw Matty. Ok, well not the date but the week. It was 4th of July week 1999. I thought he was the cutest thing EVER....with his hair bleached on top, both ears pierced and wearing baggy jeans and a tank top. Those arms! But, I digress.
My point is we sailed through that 7 year "itch" with no problems. We made it to 10 years raring to go the next 50....then things slowed down. Instead of it seeming like time was flying, it's started to seem like we've been married FOREVER. Please don't get me wrong....there is NO "itching" going on, it just feels stalled.
Do I love him? O YES! Does he love me? I believe so...and just to sound positive, YES he does love me. I've waited a lifetime to love and be loved like this. It just seems sometimes that we are up against a wall. There's alot that goes on in our household: girls, cleaning, girls, working, girls, church, girls, dog, girls and just LIFE. And I think I am distracted. I've tried to put a box around my husband, an expectation if you will. I expect him to lead and I to follow. I am called to be his helpmeet. Except...I am very strong willed. And I try to lead. Is that part of the issue? OF COURSE! Silly me.....
YET....as 2 halves of a whole, we are both responsible. He to me, I to him. I see "perfect" couples. You know, those ones who don't argue, who talk about how "perfect" life is and how they can't imagine ever having issues. Wow! I want to live with them and drink their water.
I once met a couple in the library. Older, cute and very sweet to eachother. The husband asked me if I was married. I said yes. He then asked me if I would like the assurance of being married to my husband FOREVER. ACK! I said NO that when I get to heaven I get to sit and worship at Jesus' feet. I couldn't fathom anything worse than being married forever....other than constantly having children when I'm in heaven. EEK! Plese don't misunderstand...this has NOTHING to do with not loving Matty. But marriage is a "human" thing and in heaven, all that has passed away. No tears only joy. Hooray for Jesus!
We are blessed. I am blessed to be married to my best friend, my hero. I know that the wall we are up against isn't huge, we will surpass. We just have to figure it out. He still makes me laugh....and cry. He still has both ears pierced (twice!). And he's still my Matty. That feeling of belonging happens when we're in a room together, yet seperate and his eyes meet mine. I know he'll find me wherever I go, I know I am always safe. He is my protector on earth, the one God molded for me. I just need to listen more, hear him and also stop chomping at the bit to be in charge.
(I am wrinkling my nose at that) I like to be in charge. So friends, in conclusion, I am happy to a Mrs.....glad not to be a "Miss" and glad I didn't "miss"(haha) the last 10 years. Here's to the next 10....and knowing the love of God surpasses it all and His grace is sufficent.
I want to be a jewel in my husbands crown, not the reason he's on the roof....
My point is we sailed through that 7 year "itch" with no problems. We made it to 10 years raring to go the next 50....then things slowed down. Instead of it seeming like time was flying, it's started to seem like we've been married FOREVER. Please don't get me wrong....there is NO "itching" going on, it just feels stalled.
Do I love him? O YES! Does he love me? I believe so...and just to sound positive, YES he does love me. I've waited a lifetime to love and be loved like this. It just seems sometimes that we are up against a wall. There's alot that goes on in our household: girls, cleaning, girls, working, girls, church, girls, dog, girls and just LIFE. And I think I am distracted. I've tried to put a box around my husband, an expectation if you will. I expect him to lead and I to follow. I am called to be his helpmeet. Except...I am very strong willed. And I try to lead. Is that part of the issue? OF COURSE! Silly me.....
YET....as 2 halves of a whole, we are both responsible. He to me, I to him. I see "perfect" couples. You know, those ones who don't argue, who talk about how "perfect" life is and how they can't imagine ever having issues. Wow! I want to live with them and drink their water.
I once met a couple in the library. Older, cute and very sweet to eachother. The husband asked me if I was married. I said yes. He then asked me if I would like the assurance of being married to my husband FOREVER. ACK! I said NO that when I get to heaven I get to sit and worship at Jesus' feet. I couldn't fathom anything worse than being married forever....other than constantly having children when I'm in heaven. EEK! Plese don't misunderstand...this has NOTHING to do with not loving Matty. But marriage is a "human" thing and in heaven, all that has passed away. No tears only joy. Hooray for Jesus!
We are blessed. I am blessed to be married to my best friend, my hero. I know that the wall we are up against isn't huge, we will surpass. We just have to figure it out. He still makes me laugh....and cry. He still has both ears pierced (twice!). And he's still my Matty. That feeling of belonging happens when we're in a room together, yet seperate and his eyes meet mine. I know he'll find me wherever I go, I know I am always safe. He is my protector on earth, the one God molded for me. I just need to listen more, hear him and also stop chomping at the bit to be in charge.
(I am wrinkling my nose at that) I like to be in charge. So friends, in conclusion, I am happy to a Mrs.....glad not to be a "Miss" and glad I didn't "miss"(haha) the last 10 years. Here's to the next 10....and knowing the love of God surpasses it all and His grace is sufficent.
I want to be a jewel in my husbands crown, not the reason he's on the roof....
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