Winning vs Losing

I had a friend once. Don't die, it's true! Actually, there was a group of us. 3 couples. This was before divorce #2. We got together every weekend. Our kids got along. Us gals would sit and chat and laugh. The guys would do guy things. We'd play cards every week. We were inseperable. Until....I decided to wear scarlet. Then it all fell apart. Those friends high tailed it quicker than an ice cube melts on a hot summer sidewalk. It became me against them and him. Because I was the bad one. The temptress, the one dredged in sin. As the attitudes changed, my walls built up. I felt like I'd been flung into the ocean and left to die. I cried for help, but was told I was such a horrible sinner and "Are you sure you're a christian?" was asked often. I knew I was. Knew He loved me, knew He was watching and crying over my choices. And I knew Jesus was praying. But without earthly support, I ran headlong into that pit. I lost.
With Matt, everything settled down. We had Savannah and then Harley. But sometime in between the 2 girls, I saw the Mrs. of one of the couples. She had been my best friend. She ignored me. Called me the next day. Apologized with a "but....". But what??! She told me I should be sorry I'd had Savannah, that she never should have been born. Wow....I realized that with some, it was a neverending circle. No matter what I did, it would never resolve in her eyes. I would always have that letter "A". But, I hadn't lost. At that point I had won. I was forgiven, freed and had tangible proof of God's grace in the form of a child named Savannah....and the bonus was coming up.
2 Years ago, the other Mrs. from the other couple walked into my life. She had cast me out too, not spoken to me in 8 years. When I saw her, at church of all places, my heart went out to her. I hugged her. And we cried. And she asked my forgiveness. She was divorcing her husband....and hindsight had kicked in. Didn't mean she agreed with my choices that I had made, but she no longer saw me in scarlet. Which is good, cause God took that away eons ago. :D Our friendship was restored. She told me the other Mrs. had made a decision to love her no matter what, that her divorce wasn't going to seperate them. Turns out, the other Mrs. didn't want to lose another friend.
I don't blame her. I like my friends too. I have purposed in my heart to forgive her. I have asked her forgiveness, don't know if it's been given. But that is between her and God. The enemy would use that "A" to hit me upside the head, and bring to mind the words she used. I am as of right now, banishing those words. They have no place in my mind, no place in my life. I have been very honest with you, friends. And you still talk to me. So I am reminded that I am loved, and His beloved. Thanks friends, for knowing it all, and loving me anyway.


btw: The restored Mrs. is now remarried....and we still chat....And I have won.

Keep, Take and Donate

It was a fantastic Christmas. Full of laughter, tears, yelling and.....huh? Yes, I said yelling. No explanation, it's just what it was.
Our daughter flew herself home. It was an amazing Christmas gift to open the front door and see her there! And all I could say was "Your presents are in Missouri." Yes, world, that's what I said. I know, it was a moment of complete brilliance. I'm sure you are shaking your head in awe of my brilliance.
And now it's Forward into the New Year. And it's time to say goodbye to our 20 year old. Again. And this time it's different. When she left in August, it was a desperate move. A move to provide safety and haven. A move to heal. My heart broke. Over the past months, I've heard growth in her voice, in her attitude and her words. Even with some "blips" on the screen this past week, I've seen the growth. We pulled out some boxes that were packed up in 2009 and went through them. Memories abounded. Drawings, poetry....it was all there. We separated things into piles: keep, take and donate and a box for trash. Before I knew it, the donate pile had grown. And right on top were her "kitty" ears. They are a cat ear headband, camo in color with sparkly sequiny (official word, by the way) things on the inside of the ear part. She wore those for a year. Non-stop. In high school. Maybe they were her "safety". I don't know. But when I saw them, on top of the donate pile, I began to cry. She really had done some growing.....and I have missed it. I feel like I missed alot. Or maybe was just distracted. Was I the best mom? No. But I was the best I knew how to be. And with every girl, things change and I get just a little bit better at my "job". But with her, I don't get the luxury of another chance. I don't get to learn how to do it better. I learn along with her growth.....and her change. She is settled, growing and learning. Without me. And my heart aches a little. Ok, a lot. Yet, isn't this the way it's supposed to be? No one told me when I was pregnant that the hardest part would be letting them grow up....becoming adults. There is no manual, no handbook and no rule of thumb. (yes, I know the Bible is THE handbook, I'm talking about something different) There is no one who tells you how to stop the ache in a mommy's heart. I guess I have to grow too. Stop worrying about what I think I didn't do and start praying about what I can do now. I covered her in prayer before she was born, covered her during her youth and continue to do so in her adulthood. I think I just need someone to pray for me....to cover me all up as I learn how to be her mom now and let go.
It's been easy to just rearrange the puzzle and keep moving. Yet, it's really hard to have this puzzle piece fly away, into her new life so far away. I'm not sure how to do this, the letting go. It's different every time. This is the first time it's been cemented, the daughter being settled, her heart truly happy. Her home somewhere else. Maybe that's what makes this time the most different. She's not running away, she's going home. And I ache, just a little.


Side note: I kept the kitty ears.....

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, world. It's been a wild year. Kind of like Mr.Toads Wild Ride, except I'm not going to Hell. (a very real place by the way)
In this year I have:
Relived some of my past
Dealt with heartbreak in different forms
Had 1 girl join the double digit club and another hit the over 16 mark
Had another girl move away
Went to Disneyland! (woo hoo)
Hit the decade mark in my marriage!

These things can't even begin to truly describe my year....there has been unlimited drama, broken dreams and shattered hearts. Untold stories of tantrums and in detail stories of what drives me CRAZY. My own heart has weatherd storms of tears, anger and even some hatred. I have bandaged wounds, real and figuritive. I have cried in Matt's arms and laughed in them too. I have been blessed to see the daughters grow spiritually and been frustrated to see them stop themselves mid-growth. I have hit my knees in prayer and lifted my hands in worship. I have danced for my Father and encountered Him when I least expected it.
This year has been filled with laughter, joy and love. We have banded together in sorrow and in happiness. We have survived the "restructure" of our puzzle and are stronger for it. We have prayed together, memorized scripture and been seen by God.
We have had numerous teenagers wreak havoc upon our home and lived to tell the tale. We have survived Murphy....I think! We are blessed!
They (my family) have survived countless "mom" rearrangeings. The couch moved about 4 times this year, and those of you that have seen my house know that is no small feat.(it's a small house) My husbands least favorite words are "Let's paint" and I said it......a couple times. And he did it. He did all my (our) cupboards and the kitchen table, and the kitchen. All different colors! Boy, I love him! He even, bless him, survived the night I moved ALL the electronic stuff off the entertainment center and put it on a dresser.(took up less space) In my defense, all the wires were there and in their spots. I think. OOOO, was he cranky...... :D
There is so much more.....bringing Murphy home, Kaily in physical therapy, Kaily getting her first boyfriend and her first kiss. Emily's 2 year relationship ending, Chellsei having boys "flow" through her life until the flow stopped and "he" was waiting. Savannah being Mrs.Claus....and wanting to! Harley's musical gift showing itself. Matt's promotion and raise, my ALONE time. Our Disneyland trip and the joy of 5 whole days with NO children. Hillary moving to Missouri....and saying it was a good move.....watching marriages crumble, holding on to ours. Finding a church family....insisting that the cup you drink out of is important.....seeing children lick leopards (playland) and just loving life....It's been a fun, twisty, out of the box ride. I know next year will be even better...but for now, I'm just thankful for this one.

Merry Christmas world. Remember the baby that was born to die.....and the grace that came with.

The "What Ifs"

Heavy words: What If? Looking over my life, I see numerous "what if" forks in the twisted roads I've travelled. And each road has it's own sorrows and also it's own temptations. Like: the boy I didn't marry, the man I DID marry, the time I went to visit my grandparents and the time I shouldn't have. Sure, I'm settled and my life flows pretty well. I see God's blessing every where I look and just last night I thanked Him for allowing me the priveledge to be mother to 6 of His children. BUT...What If?
What If: I had gotten back together with Strawberry Milk Boy? We had planned on having children. If we'd had a girl, her name was going to be Brittney Elisha. I would've lived in the town I'd grown up in, he never would've joined the military and maybe we still would be married. Sounds ok, huh? EXCEPT! There would be no Hillary. And would I miss her? No, cause I wouldn't know she was supposed to exist. But that's not how it went....so I do know. It went like this: I refused to get back together with him. Moved with my parents. Went to visit grandparents in Cali. Met Navy man and the rest is Hillary history.
What If: I hadn't married Navy man? Well, I would still have Hillary.....that's a bonus. I wouldn't have been abused for 2 years, wouldn't have had to flee for my life and lived in fear for years. I also wouldn't have grown, wouldn't have known I was capable of surviving and living. Also, I wouldn't be able to "see" abused women. It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty, but God blessed me through it and now He uses me to reach others sometimes.
What If: I hadn't married the Nice guy? Welllllll, I wouldn't have my "Stairsteps". And boy do I love them! I wouldn't have hurt his heart, wouldn't have "been" David. Wouldn't have been a part in his broken relationship with the 3 girls. Or have been the cause. Or have been convinced of God's total grace, because if He can love me through that and bless me afterwards He is gracious indeed. My sorrow is heavy on this road, but I am free.
What If: I hadn't worn the scarlet letter? Would Matt be a christian? I know that the girl I call grace and the one I call the bonus wouldn't be here. This road is one I don't look down. Ever. Because it's not worth it. I beat myself up, causing bruises and wounds to myself. I remind God of my sin and He says "What are you talking about, child?" When I even glimpse down this road, the enemy reminds me of where I have been and tries to throw me back into the pit. I don't let him anymore, but I have to work at it. It's easy to get caught up in the "What Ifs" of life. Sometimes, the "What Ifs" find you....Strawberry Milk Boy called a couple of years ago. And, oh, the "what ifs" flooded my mind. But not anymore....threw away his number, told my husband and checked myself out of any appearance of evil! The enemy is very real, very strong and is looking for our weaknessess. And the "What Ifs" are a weakness for anyone, everyone. What Ifs are not always so heavy. Sometimes, it's about having dessert, or a new paint color. But alot of the time, it's about the roads in our twisted lives.....just remember where you're at, that's where God is. And every road you've travelled has been one He's watched over you on.

What If: I'd had BOYS.....UGH!

The "Apples"

I realized something about myself. I am as shallow as a mobsters grave in Vegas. While I've always known I can be snobbish, I totally realized I am SHALLOW! I think I should've outgrown that at about 20 years of age. Didn't happen. Remember those boxes the girl whose name they never have puts people in? Well, she's an apple. And I am the tree. I package people up, nice and tidy. Sometimes, with a bow on top. Where her stuff is a coping mechanism, mine is just pure and not so lovely shallowness. EEK! What a horrible thing to realize.
I want our "apples" boyfriends to be handsome, their friends to be popular and their lives to flow well. I want them to live the charmed life. And I equate that with "beautiful" people. What I want to is why? Is it because our world is undunated with advertisements about what makes you beautiful? Is it because the women on tv and in movies are a size 2 or sometimes smaller? Is it because all the men have abs to die for? According to everything I see and read, they're all perfect. And I am not....however, i believe our "apples" are close. *wink*
Another "apple", Juliet, craves the attention of boys. She wants to be loved by someone. She's concerned that her looks aren't good enough, that her figure isn't just right and that her hair is too thick. She is trying to find her value in a boy's eyes......thankfully not his arms! Again, I am the tree that the apple didn't fall far from.
We do have one daughter who has "fallen" into my shallowness grave. The confident one. She is very sure of herself, knows who she wants to be and where she fits in this world. Until this year, she wore glasses and didn't wear makeup. Regardless of this, she was still very confident. But she liked a certain boy. A boy that didn't fit the "mold" of what I wanted her to like. Now, I kept my mouth shut....honest. However, at the end of summer the contacts went in, the makeup went on and that boy went out the window. She found her "groove".....and never looked back. I don't think the boy realized what happpened, she just quit talking to him. That's my shiny apple, from me....the tree.
The oldest "apple" has a lot of insecurity. Searching for love, acceptance and struggling to still take care of everything. I feel as though I failed the most with her. I tried to be a good mom, but she so anxiously wants my approval and banks so much on my opinion. I can make the most innocent comment and it's taken to heart and flung back at me. She remembers things much different from the way they happened. Yet, even in all this....I see me, the tree. (I am a POET! HELLO!)
We have two apples that have yet to come to "fruition".....I'm hoping that all the things I don't like about myself will not grow in them. As for all the "apples, I want them to be strong, sure and confident. I want them to know their value and worth is in the hands of the One that loves them all the time. That with Him, they need no human man's approval. They are brides of a Bridegroom above all else....He sees them, knows them and LOVES them immensly. And, guess what friends! He loves me that way too! Even with my shallow grave self. I am going to be aware of my shallowness and pray it away.....and I will know I am prepping the way for these daughters to do the same.


ending thought: how many bodies are buried in Vegas?
I'm going to stop "burying" people in my mind, stop killing them with my shallowness...

Infatuation

That is a loaded word. I see it in our girls, the way they like a boy. Or in the younger ones, the way they like a certain toy. Sometimes in my husband. He likes NCIS....and guns....and a holster for his gun. Drives me crazy. Rod Stewart had a song called "Infatuation". Anyone remember that?
Mostly, I see it in me. It's odd, the things that infatuate me. Years ago, I loved that show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Owned every season and couldn't get me away from it. Mostly, I liked "Spike". Bad boy vampire with bleach blonde hair. Sigh...I couldn't help it. He was HOT! (sorry hubby...FYI hubby was well aware of my crush) I would watch it daily. Guess what happened? God told me to stop watching and to get rid of every season. WHAT??! So I did. I didn't want to. It was like taking off my arm. Ok, not really....but STILL! Sigh. That was 5 years ago. To this day, I haven't watched an episode. I want to, even tried to watch one on Hulu. Funny thing: that show was down that day.
Other things that infatuate me: the color red, skeletons (leftover from Buffy days?), Dancing with the Stars and Jack Vettriano, an artist. I tend to like odd things. Things that others would say are really strange. But that's ok. I think infatuation can be healthy, as long as it doesn't turn into obsession. God is a jealous God....He should be our obsession, our passion and our focus.
I've realized lately that the things that infatuate me take up too much of my time. I have a lot of "ought to"s in my life. I need to realize that the things I "ought to" do are the things I CAN do. Things I get the priveledge to do. I CAN love my husband for the rest of our lives. I CAN read my bible every day. I CAN exercise and eat right. It's ok to enjoy my infatuations. It's not ok to put them first and begin an "ought to" lifestyle.
There are other things I am infatuated with: Harley's smile, Chellsei's sparkle, Kaily's free thinking, Emily's nurturing, Savannah's joy and HIllary's growth. And I love, love, loveeeeee my Matty. And I am infatuated with my God. He is truley an awesome God. I love that He loves my joy, that He loves me so much He gave me things to enjoy.I CAN worship Him every day, talk to Him and rave over Him. Not only can I, but I will. Hopefully every day. But if I get distracted, I know He still loves me. He's just waiting for me to come back around. And sometimes, He nudges. It may be a sacrifice on my end (what I think is a sacrifice), but it's always worth it. His presence is my reward.

sidenote: Matty's hair was bleached when I met him.....Sigh....

Let's do the Time Warp

Do you hear that? Listen close....it's the sound of my girls being wrapped in bubble wrap. Or at least their hearts. Another heart semi broken. This time, it's the girl whose name they never have. They weren't together very long. They just clicked. And he's very nice and I believe he really likes her. Alot. However, there was just one thing they didn't exactly agree on. God. And that's a biggie. So they're just friends....for now.
I wish I could just freeze time. Rewind. Start over. There are so many things I would do differently. I would still love Michael Jackson (duh!) and love the color pink. I would rethink stirrup pants (UGH) and still LOVE Duran Duran. Other than that, I wouldn't change my teen years. They shaped me, molded me and showed me who NOT to be.
In regards to my girls...OOOO, there is much to do differently. I would play many games, not be too tired and I wouldn't save every paper from school. (a whole tote of school work YEARS old) Hillary is our oldest. She is still our trial girl. Everything we do, and how we respond to her, is brand new to us. With our Bonus, everything is old hat. It almost isn't fair. I told our Juliet that the bonus is our 6th eight year old. We kind of know what to expect now. And what to do. Unfortunetly for Hillary, she is our 1st twenty year old! And most times, we are CLUELESS! She's in a good place now...learning lessons in a loving home. I miss her much.
If I could go through a time warp, I would stop Juliet from dating Romeo. Tonight, when the girl whose name they never have's ex called, Juliet looked at me. Tears in her eyes, she asked if I thought they would get back together. I said probably. Crying, she asked (softly) why that couldn't have happened with her. My heart wept for her. I realized that the brave face she's had since the break up is just that. Brave. She worries all the time about a husband...worries that Romeo was the only boy who will ever love her. If I could rewind, I would zap her with confidence, a truth that as long as she's God's it's all under control! I can't go back, though. So I will help her go forward.
The girl whose name they never have....she is sad. Sigh. If I could go back on this one, would I? No. It was short, sweet and maybe will be again. I only know that I am praying for this boy. Praying that God become part of his life in a big way. The girl, she knows what God's will was with this. She said the Holy Spirit was on her and conviction rode her mind. She knows it's better as the boy's friend. But that doesn't hurt less. As I cuddled her in front of the meat department in Albertsons, my heart cried for her. And I was proud. She listened to God, and that's not easy at 15.
No time warps for me. No matter how many times I hum the tune...Just life lessons. It's just harder for me this time around. I thought mine hurt. Nothing hurts like watching your children hurt.

BTW: I pray daily for Romeo too....he misses my Juliet. If these kids can get it together with God, nothing will stop them. And the hurt will be replaced with joy.