prec·i·pice
noun \ˈpre-s(ə-)pəs\
: a very steep side of a mountain or cliff
: a point where danger, trouble, or difficulty begins
See that second definition?? That's where we're stopping today. I have a story to tell and it isn't pretty.
Remember back a couple (almost a few now) years ago when Matt lost his job? That was the beginning of sorrow for my marriage. You see, he lied about something small. He thought it was the right thing to do at the time. He thought it would do more good to lie than tell the truth. Sadly, I knew it was a lie. Thus began the "Not Trusting" phase.
Did you know you have to completely be able to trust your spouse? I mean, this is the person you've given your whole heart to...given your secrets to, your mind and body to. So, trust is HUGE. Slowly his small lie invaded every aspect of our marriage. As I quietly built my wall, he quietly slipped away emotionally. Somehow, we made it through that. Then came the next things.
My wall began being built stronger, higher. We still chatted, acted cordial. We put on a happy face when we were out....I don't think it actually hid the strain. We pretended it did. We slowly walked toward the precipice, not knowing the edge was so close.
My heart was confused, full of sorrow and discontent. I'm not even sure where he was. When the "Something" came out....I thought I would die. Little did I know that an even bigger something was waiting for me on the other side of starting counseling.
Counseling. It's been very important in our lives, but around the 3-4th time....we stopped growing. We got stuck. We started fighting so terribly. We weren't nice to each other, weren't honoring at all. We would come out of our session with renewed vigor towards "working on it", by the weekend we couldn't stand each other. Turns out there was something he was hiding.
He. Wasn't. Sure. We. Should. Be. Together.
Just typing those words, my heart stops.
We had a very emotional Friday, the day BEFORE my birthday. It was raw and full of sorrow and tears and RESTORATION. Did you read that?? RESTORATION. He was very adamant that is wasn't ME he didn't want...it was the situation. It was the way we reacted to the girls, the way we were so angry with each other, the way our words and actions hurt those around us. My head understood that, my heart not so much. All I heard was that he didn't want ME. The thing is, by the time we got to our counseling session on Friday, he had already decided that the war within his head wasn't valid. He knew at that point, and actually for a couple weeks before, that he wanted our marriage to work. However, sitting on such a thought had tainted everything else. He felt like he was lying and that we couldn't move forward until he was TOTALLY HONEST. Guess what! He was RIGHT!
When he told me that, I nearly died. My heart stopped, I couldn't breathe. He, on the other hand, COULD breathe. He was afraid that when he told me, I'd leave. I wanted to. Instead, I stayed. We cried, we talked, we mourned. In the counselor's office, he committed to me. He committed to us. He committed to our marriage, no matter what. No MATTER WHAT. He committed to truth in all things, no matter how the truth may sting....no matter how it hurts. Oh how my heart sings for that honesty! He committed to loving me more than himself. In turn, I committed to him. To not talking circles, to being patient. I committed to loving him more than myself. We've both committed to loving God the most. We were committed before, however...the fighting situation allowed for sorrow and complacency to take root. Those things no longer have a place in our marriage!
We walked back from from the precipice...holding each other, committed to not letting go. We fully recognize God in this situation. Every night, we did devotions and every devotion hit exactly what was happening. He has worked every instance for our marriage, He is for us. We're listening....and we're working. We're also loving each other.
We are here before you, asking for you to hold us accountable. Ask us how we're treating the other, ask us how we are. Ask us if we're holding up our end with God. We want to be vulnerable with you...we know we can't do this alone. (God is a given) Please pray along side us for continued healing and continued joy.
Marriage is hard. It's work. It's every day choosing to love someone. It's not allowing your heart to be hardened, your spirit to move away from your spouse. It's messy, scary and wonderful. Marriage is more than the "I Will", more than the honeymoon. It's the sickness, health, better worse thing. It's the even when you don't feel like it thing. We are sharing our story because it's real...it's raw and it's up and down. If you're feeling this way, or have had any similar experience......you are not alone. You are loved, your spouse is loved. Talk to someone, talk about it. God already knows, He is for you.
All glory to God.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
The Good, Bad and Ugly
We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging.
We had a couple of VERY ugly days last week. They were so terrible that I couldn't even be in the same room with Matty. He couldn't do or say anything right and I couldn't respond right or even be cordial. It was very, very bad. We went to counseling and started talking about our girls. All of a sudden, we were fine. I could feel my face glowing, my tone softening and my heart was open. Matty's face lit up, his words were eloquent. He even cried when talking about that one girl he used to watch football with.....he misses her so. When we got home, we were a unit again. Two halves of a whole. That was very, very good.
Until the enemy reminded me of the Something. Then I am a mess. I worry, I ponder and I wonder. Not a good thing...I allow what was beautiful to be painted ugly again. Yet...I prayed and I was okay. The Something became a something in the past.
It's not too far in the past, but every day it gets further. And every time we go to counseling, we learn something new. I realized something myself on this last visit. When we enter the room, I choose a corner of the couch to curl into and Matty sits right next to me. He always grabs my hand. We may not walk in as a unit, but we are one while we're there. It's almost like we're making sure that, even though we are upside down and backwards, we're a whole.
We started acting like we were only halves. That was part of the issue. The counselor said we need to be married like we parent....on the same page and with consistency. Makes sense. Now if only we could really do that......we're working on it.
The thing about the something: it's very damaging. We treat our marriages like they're made of iron. I'm sure some are. It's when we forget that they're not that we open ourselves up to "foxes". We allow things to creep into our hearts, our minds and our spirits. We forget to shelter our hearts and our partners. We forget to continue courting them. Did you think that just because that ring is on your finger you didn't have to try anymore??? NOPE! That's a BAD way to think.....you always need to be finding ways to love your spouse better, to stay interested in them. Notice I didn't say to keep them interested in you?? That's because if you're interested in them they'll feel loved, respected and important. They, in turn, will be interested in YOU. That is a GOOD thing!
Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get pulled into a pit. Sometimes we jump into it. I am here to tell you THERE IS A WAY OUT OF THAT PIT! If you choose to wallow....well, that's your thing. You're missing the good stuff. The pit doesn't always look like one, but it is ALWAYS quicksand.
We've chosen to love each other. And by default, we've chosen to get out of the pit the Something put us in. I'm trying. I really am. Somedays, it's really hard.
I know that He has not forsaken me. I know that He has a plan and that by this time next year we will be a restoration story so amazing it will have to be told. I believe He will have us share the Something, we're just not there yet. Until then....please know that life and marriage is full of good, bad and ugly things. It's full of amazing, scary and wonderful things. It's full of Somethings and somethings. Sometimes, it's full of nothing.
God has continuously told me not to pretend. So, here I am...not pretending. He loves you, dear one. Where ever you are, whatever you're doing. If you're in a pit or not....He is for you. Reach out for Him, He's waiting to hold your hand. And that is very, very GOOD!
We had a couple of VERY ugly days last week. They were so terrible that I couldn't even be in the same room with Matty. He couldn't do or say anything right and I couldn't respond right or even be cordial. It was very, very bad. We went to counseling and started talking about our girls. All of a sudden, we were fine. I could feel my face glowing, my tone softening and my heart was open. Matty's face lit up, his words were eloquent. He even cried when talking about that one girl he used to watch football with.....he misses her so. When we got home, we were a unit again. Two halves of a whole. That was very, very good.
Until the enemy reminded me of the Something. Then I am a mess. I worry, I ponder and I wonder. Not a good thing...I allow what was beautiful to be painted ugly again. Yet...I prayed and I was okay. The Something became a something in the past.
It's not too far in the past, but every day it gets further. And every time we go to counseling, we learn something new. I realized something myself on this last visit. When we enter the room, I choose a corner of the couch to curl into and Matty sits right next to me. He always grabs my hand. We may not walk in as a unit, but we are one while we're there. It's almost like we're making sure that, even though we are upside down and backwards, we're a whole.
We started acting like we were only halves. That was part of the issue. The counselor said we need to be married like we parent....on the same page and with consistency. Makes sense. Now if only we could really do that......we're working on it.
The thing about the something: it's very damaging. We treat our marriages like they're made of iron. I'm sure some are. It's when we forget that they're not that we open ourselves up to "foxes". We allow things to creep into our hearts, our minds and our spirits. We forget to shelter our hearts and our partners. We forget to continue courting them. Did you think that just because that ring is on your finger you didn't have to try anymore??? NOPE! That's a BAD way to think.....you always need to be finding ways to love your spouse better, to stay interested in them. Notice I didn't say to keep them interested in you?? That's because if you're interested in them they'll feel loved, respected and important. They, in turn, will be interested in YOU. That is a GOOD thing!
Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get pulled into a pit. Sometimes we jump into it. I am here to tell you THERE IS A WAY OUT OF THAT PIT! If you choose to wallow....well, that's your thing. You're missing the good stuff. The pit doesn't always look like one, but it is ALWAYS quicksand.
We've chosen to love each other. And by default, we've chosen to get out of the pit the Something put us in. I'm trying. I really am. Somedays, it's really hard.
I know that He has not forsaken me. I know that He has a plan and that by this time next year we will be a restoration story so amazing it will have to be told. I believe He will have us share the Something, we're just not there yet. Until then....please know that life and marriage is full of good, bad and ugly things. It's full of amazing, scary and wonderful things. It's full of Somethings and somethings. Sometimes, it's full of nothing.
God has continuously told me not to pretend. So, here I am...not pretending. He loves you, dear one. Where ever you are, whatever you're doing. If you're in a pit or not....He is for you. Reach out for Him, He's waiting to hold your hand. And that is very, very GOOD!
Monday, September 8, 2014
Hero Worship
I'm breaking from my current blog theme. Today, I'm talking about Hero Worship.
There has been a story in the news about an NFL footballer who was kicked off his team for abusing his wife. Like most abuse cases, rumours swirl of what she did or if it was so bad why didn't she leave. People whisper behind their hands about how she must've deserved it, his career is ruined because of her. Until video surfaced, it was her fault, she contributed to his abusing her.. Even now, some people may believe that.
We worship people. We want them to be who we see on t.v., in the movies and the songs we hear. We have favorite sports players, favorite actors, favorite singers. We enjoy favorite authors, favorite presidents. We put these people on pedestals and think they are so special. When they do something wrong we often forgive them, overlooking the act. Because, hey, they're STARS!
Before I loved a man that abused me, I was one of those "Why doesn't she leave?" people. I believed I would never stay in a situation like that.
Well. I stayed for two years. I almost died, had more bruises than could be explained. Some people that knew never said a word, looking the other way. They pretended what I said was true, I pretended it was true. I was insecure, alone and full of sadness. I walked carefully and never fought back. No matter how carefully I walked, he found a reason to hit me. Yet, I stayed.
One day, Hillary cowering behind a chair as he hit me, I decided enough was enough. I almost went back. But God always blocked that door. I am so very grateful. I'm grateful for the experience which allows me to recognize abused women. I'm thankful for His protective hand. I'm thankful we were divorced when he killed his girlfriends baby. I'm thankful he's never sought me out. I'm just thankful.
We are so quick to assume, so quick to jump to the must've happened. Women often have to prove themselves innocent when the victim....what is wrong with this world? We cast blame, assume the worst and wonder. She can't leave....she believes she's loved. And he apologizes....she believes him. I am NOT saying everyone is of one mind with this...I am saying this is common public perception.
There is a story of a woman who was going to be stoned by an angry mob. One man stepped forward in her defense. She was able to leave and she was a new woman after that.
That man is my hero. He is the Alpha, the Omega. He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. He is the one who bottles my tears and holds my hand. He hurt for me, through my time of sorrow. Then again when I put myself into a pit. He loves me, though. That I always knew. It is my hope everyone know Him as such. In the meantime, we should stop blaming, stop assuming and start listening. We should stop asking innocents to prove they are such. There is nothing that should ever CAUSE a spouse to hurt their loved one. No amount of anything.
Who are you worshiping today? Who is your "hero"?
Outside God, my hero is my husband. Even with the "Something".
There has been a story in the news about an NFL footballer who was kicked off his team for abusing his wife. Like most abuse cases, rumours swirl of what she did or if it was so bad why didn't she leave. People whisper behind their hands about how she must've deserved it, his career is ruined because of her. Until video surfaced, it was her fault, she contributed to his abusing her.. Even now, some people may believe that.
We worship people. We want them to be who we see on t.v., in the movies and the songs we hear. We have favorite sports players, favorite actors, favorite singers. We enjoy favorite authors, favorite presidents. We put these people on pedestals and think they are so special. When they do something wrong we often forgive them, overlooking the act. Because, hey, they're STARS!
Before I loved a man that abused me, I was one of those "Why doesn't she leave?" people. I believed I would never stay in a situation like that.
Well. I stayed for two years. I almost died, had more bruises than could be explained. Some people that knew never said a word, looking the other way. They pretended what I said was true, I pretended it was true. I was insecure, alone and full of sadness. I walked carefully and never fought back. No matter how carefully I walked, he found a reason to hit me. Yet, I stayed.
One day, Hillary cowering behind a chair as he hit me, I decided enough was enough. I almost went back. But God always blocked that door. I am so very grateful. I'm grateful for the experience which allows me to recognize abused women. I'm thankful for His protective hand. I'm thankful we were divorced when he killed his girlfriends baby. I'm thankful he's never sought me out. I'm just thankful.
We are so quick to assume, so quick to jump to the must've happened. Women often have to prove themselves innocent when the victim....what is wrong with this world? We cast blame, assume the worst and wonder. She can't leave....she believes she's loved. And he apologizes....she believes him. I am NOT saying everyone is of one mind with this...I am saying this is common public perception.
There is a story of a woman who was going to be stoned by an angry mob. One man stepped forward in her defense. She was able to leave and she was a new woman after that.
That man is my hero. He is the Alpha, the Omega. He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. He is the one who bottles my tears and holds my hand. He hurt for me, through my time of sorrow. Then again when I put myself into a pit. He loves me, though. That I always knew. It is my hope everyone know Him as such. In the meantime, we should stop blaming, stop assuming and start listening. We should stop asking innocents to prove they are such. There is nothing that should ever CAUSE a spouse to hurt their loved one. No amount of anything.
Who are you worshiping today? Who is your "hero"?
Outside God, my hero is my husband. Even with the "Something".
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