My Oh My!

We left home a week ago to drive K to her new home. Our rig was loaded heavy with furniture,boxes and odds and ends. Her mattress was bagged up and tied down to the top of the car. We were definitely a sight to see, but really who cared?? We were on a mission.

Well. Let me tell you what....those mattress bags do not hold up. We made a pit stop to wrap the mattress with some industrial strength saran wrap type stuff. It went through the car, folks. Every time we stopped, we wrapped. It was CRAZY!

The faster we went the more air the mattress got. We joked that it would take flight like Aladdin's magic carpet. It never did...had a few close calls though. On the second day of travel we got a little smarter. We bought duct tape, tore the wrapping off, rewrapped and duct taped. Nothing went through the car this time. It was much better. It just took us a bit to figure out the correct science. We were still a sight to see, we still didn't care.

We wasted so much time figuring out the exact way to make it work. Sometimes, being a parent is like that. We worry about the wrong things, waste time on the wrong situations and forget to enjoy the little moments. By the time we've got it absolutely (we think) perfect, we've missed so many minutes.

Our journey last week was filled with amazing moments. A rainbows beginning and end, a fire we just missed being in. Lightning that painted the sky, awe inspiring situations written by God's hand.

Our journey last week was filled with sorrow. Every mile we crossed the realization that this was happening hit home. We had tears and laughter, anger and fellowship. She sobbed at the absolute that this move was. Her heart had 7 holes in it, she said. My mommy heart sorrowed. For who, I wondered, would watch scary movies with me? Who would I be able to talk make-up with, slip "Buffy" references into conversation with and who would "Ta-Da" herself coming down the stairs??

My,Oh My.

I feel like I didn't have enough moments. I KNOW I wasted some being angry. I'm not talking about just last week, I'm talking about the entire time I've been a mother. I have let moments slip away, let them disappear because I was too stubborn.

Each daughter is unique. My story with them is their own. I enjoy very different things with these very different daughters. Please don't misunderstand and assume that one can fill the role of the other.

She is mourning. Mourning the loss of her life at home. Her home is empty, she says, her house is quiet. At any given moment, she breaks down....sobbing as though she can't go forward. Her sweet husband is patient....confused, but patient. It's been hard to watch. I wanted to leave right after I got here....selfishly. I wanted to just run away, home to my husbands arms and try to slip into a new normal. At the same time, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't know how other people do it. I feel so small. Others send their children to foreign countries to be missionaries or off to far away colleges. They seem to be so much stronger...what is wrong with me, then?

Nothing. My story is different.

I have treasured memories from our journey...I have regrets of things not done, not said. I know when I get home, it'll all be good. I know God's plan for her life is unfolding the way He wants it to. I know that this is good and right. I know all these things.....my heart still sorrows. Her sorrow is palatable....I think that is the hardest for me. Because I know that no matter what, I CAN'T FIX IT. Her sorrow comes from missing 7 people. Her sorrow comes from not having the chaos that was her life. Her sorrow comes from knowing that she can't just run down the road to see her mom, dad and siblings. Her sorrow is that there are not dogs to create annoying messes.

Isn't that the way life works? She wouldn't NOT marry him, given the choice with the knowledge of what was around the corner. She wouldn't change that part...she'd just pack us with her. I've spent a lot of time writing about this change. It's been here and there and everywhere, but has now really happened. We're leaving in 2 days. She won't be coming with us.

My...Oh...My.....

What Time is it, Mr. Fox?

It's Father's Day. The tall girl came to me this morning, tears in her eyes, and said something about this being the last Father's Day at home....with her daddy. In all my worrisome ways, I've forgotten that there is someone else who is struggling. Not her....him.

She was 3 when he became her daddy. I told him when we met I had 4 daughters, he could have 2 (children). He never looked back for the escape door. Instead, he rooted himself into them. I guess I forgot because I carried her under my heart and it doesn't get much more emotional than that. But he CHOSE them.

She said once that she realized that her biological was just that. And she recognized that her daddy didn't love her because he HAD to, he chose to. He has been their daddy for so long that it doesn't seem real to me that their blood isn't the same. Funny, though, all girls got my blood type....so I guess their blood IS the same after all.

I am blessed. God took my very complicated, muddy and messy situation (that I slithered into) and showed me His grace. Matty didn't have to love these daughters, didn't have to root them so deeply in his heart. But, he did. We've heard a lot of "You're such a good man to take in all those girls." and "You're so wonderful to provide for children that aren't yours.". He looks at them like they're crazy people. Um, hello...they ARE his. There is no different treatment, no setting apart. He loves each one as though he was there from their births. (Except for walking S...ask him about that, it's funny)

I remember him and the tall girl playing "Mr.Fox" while we waited for her bus. In her sweet little voice, she'd ask what time it was....he'd answer and she'd hop towards him...blonde hair floating around her elfin face. I treasure those moments in my mommy heart. It won't be too long before she'll have a sweet aqua eyed child to play "Mr.Fox" with and she'll remember those moments too.

He's held me as I've broken down, been my strength. I've forgotten that he's not as strong with this. I've taken and not given. He needs to 'mourn' too. I need to let him.

I believe that every child is created by the one true God. I believe that before time began, He knew these daughters. Knew me, knew Matty. I believe He knew the choices I would make, knew the sorrow I would cause. And yet...He gave me grace. Undeserved favor. He knit us together, by heart, even after I decided to live in the pit. He intertwined our lives, allowed us joy and blessed me with someone who would love these daughters unconditionally.

There is nothing He doesn't see. Nothing that gets by Him. Even when I am oblivious. Friday is coming, time is short. Her life will start and ours will continue. We will all re-group and figure out the new normal. I have faith that even when she is away from her daddy's protection, she is in her Father's hands.

I need to remind her daddy that.

Remember, friends, there is one who loves you the most. His grace is sufficient, His word is truth. He is the Father that never sleeps, the Father that always protects. He weeps for us, laughs and delights in us.

Happy Father's Day.

The Ebb and Flow

Well...let me tell you! When that tide comes in it washes over me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it hurts just as much as I think that would.

Recently, I've had to let someone go. I've had to let God take over and just trust that at some point, He'll bring joy regardless of the sorrow. My heart aches so much. The crux is that I have no idea what's happened. And there are no answers forthcoming. That's the ebb and flow.

This specific relationship has been loving, strong and most certainly adventurous. It's been honest and, up until now, open. I love this person...not sure how to love them right now, though. Sigh. I'm not sure how to proceed but, lucky for me, I don't really have to. The proceeding is all His.

I've come to realize that sometimes, God puts people in our lives for small amounts of time. What we think is solid and built on a great foundation is, in reality, just being held in His hand. Doesn't mean His hand isn't solid. It doesn't mean He's dropped me. It just means that His plan is very different from what I thought was set in stone. Huh, that is quite the revelation.....one I need a constant reminder of.

There is someone that has a little more recently entered our lives. God has shown me consistently that I am to love them. Unconditionally. So I do. This person is not one that I would've ever expected to be so prominent in our lives....not one that I would've expected to take so much of my heart. (while I do love my new son in law, this is not him)

I believe that somewhere down the line, the loss of one relationship and the beginning of another have a lot to do with each other....directly connected. The ebb and flow of life continue, and I get swept away. Lost in the current, but never drowning. He makes sure of that.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He has seen from the beginning the impact that these separate (but interwoven relationships) would have on me, our family and our hearts. I am not the only one mourning the loss of relationship.....their hearts ache as well. Yet, here we go with the tide. We trust that His plan is perfect. Not built with perfect people in mind, but with us (me) at the center. We are sinners, saved by grace. He is always for us.

If you're reading, please know you're loved. I pray for you daily, wish much joy and adventure for you. I hope the ebb and flow of your life tosses you around enough to remind you that you need Him all the time.

Enjoy the waves, friends.