Really??

You ever walk into a room and scope out the competition? You know what I mean. You glance at every woman. You measure, size and put into a neat little box all the other females around. Some you look at and wish you were just like her! Others you get a little smug and think "I am so much better looking". Or there's that one woman, the one with the gorgeous hubby. She's not so hot and you're thinking "REALLY? He's with her???" I found myself doing that this weekend. Not over some other woman's hubby...mine is pretty hot...but over other mom's. And their kids.
I know, I know. Judge not. I've read the verse. But as I was standing the other day picking kiddos up from school, I was sizing the mommy competition. I was thinner than some, fatter than others. I dreamed about having a figure like that one, wished I was blonde. Started comparing so much, I came up completely lacking. My thighs are too big, my hair too blah, my eyes are just brown. I tell you what, when I get to heaven I want to be tall, thin and blonde. (small rabbit trail) After I beat myself up internally a while, I started looking at the kids. And I tell you....I was horrid!
If a little girl had a messy shirt or stringy hair my thought was "no way are the girls playing with that girl." If they looked unkempt the thought was the same.I actually judged children over how they look! WHAT is WRONG with me?? Have I gotten so skewed in my thinking that even children are prey to the "Let's Compare" game?? Sometimes, I think that because we are financially challenged I have something to prove. And that does distort my vision. I am so thankful that God doesn't look at me the way I sometimes look at others. I don't always sit in the comparison seat....It's just that when I do, it's very telling of my inner attitude and self. There is always someone who is uglier, fatter, thinner, prettier than me. There is always someone who is needy, alone, scared. Those children, they are just children. When my niece and nephew were still living with my drug addicted sister, you wouldn't have let your kids play with them. They were dirty, unkempt and not taken care of well. It wasn't their fault. The adult in their life didn't nurture and respect them. My mom always did my hair. I try to always do the baby's. I try to make sure that our kiddos don't look like we are financially challenged. And maybe that's what I am really looking at. When I think that there is no way my kids would play with "those" kids, I am really saying that I don't want people to think we are like them. And what does that say about me? It says I'm human....growing, changing. It says what I'm sure others have thought. I know I'm not alone. I may just be the only one bold enough to admit it in public.

It's a grand thing to be the child of THE KING....He sees these things in my heart and loves me anyway. That's what I'm going to do. Love myself, just as I am. (thighs and all) And spread His love to those around me.

Shattered Hearts

When a heart breaks, can you hear it shatter? I couldn't hear it when I broke someone elses heart. I didn't care. But now...now my Juliet's heart is broken. And I could've heard the shatter from 200 miles away. Just earlier today, he said he loved her. And I believe he does. As much as a teen boy can. He's so lost and unsure. His life is full of doubt and indecision. My heart hurts for him, too. I want to whap him upside his head and ask him what he was thinking. That's what I did to strawberry milk boy. All whap, though, no asking.
So, in my teen girlhood, I broke one boy's heart. I doubt it scarred him for life, but who truly knows? I did him wrong. Intentionally. Methodically. All without concern for his heart. It seemed to be a theme with me. I meet boy. Boy asks me out. I say yes. Lose interest. But rather than tell him right away, I line up another one. And still don't tell first boy. Apparently, 2 was better than 1. One in high school. One out. Silly, silly girl. All this is, of course, after MY heart was broken by strawberry milk boy. Does that make it ok?? Golly, NO! But I think I went into protective mode. Protect my heart. It wasn't until I met my hubby that I truly let my heart go. He made me drop every defense I had. I even gave him one of my children. But that, friends, is another story.
Our Juliet is crying. Sobbing. Her gifts from him have been bagged up. He has been removed from her facebook friends, and her relationship status is "Single". Pictures have been deleted. Jewelry has been put away. I know this isn't it for her. She is not doomed to a life of spinsterhood. I know that this is God, trying to gain her attention back. He is a jealous God and Romeo took up alot of our Juliet's thought process. I know that she can't think. I know SHE thinks this is the end of her life. But I know this is just the beginning. Maybe, Romeo wasn't in His plan to begin with. Maybe this was to teach her to be careful with others. I pray she will grow, learn and not close herself up. I pray she will not follow in my footsteps and put up a huge wall. I pray she will live...enjoy and have fun. I pray she will KNOW her value is not in Romeo's young hands, but the hands of the Almighty God. He sees her. He knows her name and He loves her much, much more than anyone on this earth. She IS the daughter of THE King. I pray she remembers that. And those of you who know her, please pray these things too. She's going to need it to heal.

I hope those hearts I broke have grown back together. I never did have the power to truly ruin lives...people just pretended I did.

The breathtaking whirlwind

Give me the beach, a drink and a chair all to myself. I've sent in my retirement, turned in my "mommy" card and taken a vacation. Of course it's in my head. I am breathless. This whirlwind called "motherhood" and "wife" has taken over. My time is not my own. Even with all the kids in school, I am inundated with "kid" stuff. There is laundry and dishes and dinner to plan. Totems to make and homework to supervise. Appointments to be gotten to and "taxi" runs to make. Birthday parties to plan and in general, troops to keep happy. Sigh.
I know, I know. It's no more than anyone else, I've made this choice myself, I am so blessed. I KNOW all those things....I'm just having a hard time "feeling" it today. I feel under water, unable to breathe and overwhelmed. I feel like I have to fix everything, and everyone's issue. I feel like running away, hence the vacation in my head. But, worry not friends. I won't fly the coop. The truth is, I know that I AM blessed. I know being a SAHM is a lifetime commitment....and I've enjoyed every year of it. And I have more years left. It's who I am. But sometimes, I want to be someone else. Tall, thin and blonde fits very well in my mind. Little umbrella's in my drinks, and no one fighting over who gets to sit next to me. No arguing over who doesn't do their chores and no one jealous over the girl who IS tall (very), thin and blonde. (She's gooooorgeous!) Everyone's room would be clean ALL the time and the laundry would be done without me having to do it! The tv wouldn't be on all the time (Sorry, hubby) and I would be able to eat ANYTHING and never gain a pound! Godiva brownie sundae...YUM. And.....well the wish list could go on and on. Would any of that really make me happy?? Probably!!! But I'm sure it wouldn't keep me happy. The honest truth is, and don't tell anyone, I am happiest in chaos. Happiest when food is cooking, music is playing and children are laughing. Happiest when we have impromptu bbqs and invite 10 people over. (Matty may not be, but he does have fun in the end) Happiest when I'm all snuggled next to the strongest man I know. Happiest when the lights go down, the house is quiet and I have a glass of wine....savoring the day.
These moments, when the whirlwind has taken my breath and I've broken down and cried to my friend, they overwhelm me. Yet, when I start my "dreaming" I am reminded how much of my dreams are my reality. God is good, His plan for my life is in full swing and I need to enjoy the ride. For now, the whirlwind subsides. I can breathe again.

I'm going to buy some little umbrellas...you never know when the beach might come to you!