I'm taking a break from the marriage stuff...honestly, things are really good right now. We're talking, not yelling. We're negotiating, not demanding. We're learning, not ignoring. We're loving each other well. So today,I thought I'd give you a little bit of me. I know, I always over share. ;) So here is Me at My Most......
Scared:
Every time I walk into a crowded room. I am so very afraid of rejection. I hide myself away, hoping someone will talk to me. When we started somewhere new, I thought this was my chance to put myself forward. Make a new start, new relationships. I find myself still on the fringes, afraid of what people think...afraid of what people say. I so desperately want to be loved and have real, deep relationships....instead, I find myself watching from the outside. I DO have some very amazing friendships...am so very blessed by them....that doesn't take away the scared-ness in relation to others.
Lonely:
Good golly! Every. Day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the quiet of my house, but I'd LOVE to go get coffee with someone, lunch or even just take a walk with another human being that I can chat with. My days are long....they can get lonely. Okay, so maybe it's not EVERY DAY...but it sure does feel like it!
Beautiful:
Hmmmm. Lately, I've been feeling beautiful quite often. That may be because Matty and I are doing so well, and he's loving me better. Plus, I've lost some weight. It's okay if you haven't noticed...I have! :)
Angry:
At any given moment, I could become unglued. Which is interesting, considering I'm reading that very book!! It doesn't take much...a toy left out, a wrapper not thrown away. Shoes left all over my house are a biggie. And I NEVER, EVER go upstairs. Because when I do...well, let's just say I win the worst mom of the year award. Every. Time.
Nervous:
Every Sunday. What if no one says "Hi" to me. What if everyone ignores me. What if no one even 'sees' me. Yup...this is what I think.
Worrisome:
ALWAYS! Worried about money, worried about food. Worried about the girls, about Matty, about grandchildren. Worried about the world ending (not so much anymore), worried about how Christmas is going to work this year. Worried about seeing our far away girls, worried about the dogs. Worried about the new little guest living in my garage...thank you, Matty for telling me that we DO have a mouse out there. Worried, Worried, WORRIED! I just worry. Our counselor did a worry "test"...yeah...I failed big time. Matty on the other hand...doesn't worry about a THING. Lucky duck.....
Joyful:
Sigh. When I think of the girls, when I think of the grandgirls. When I think about how Matty and I turned and RAN from the brink of disaster...together! When I pray, when I allow God to seep into my soul. When I can just be with my family...and just be.
Overwhelmed:
When I feel like no one is taking care of me and I'm taking care of everyone else.
Ambitious:
Right now. I'm going to step beyond my fear and talk to people. The way they respond is theirs...I shouldn't take it personally. Also, when I write. I love to write.
Redeemed:
All day, every day. I can look backwards and see how God has so very patiently waited for me to blow off the muck and enter into His arms. I can see where He's shielded me from the danger I tried to run headlong into. I can enjoy His grace, bask in His love and rejoice that I am His beloved. I can see how He has and is continuing to restore my life. I. Am. His.
Would love to hear about you at your most....it can be anything. From regretful to happy. Remember....you are loved and it's okay to be at your most anything. Today is a new day, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Walking Backwards
You ever want to walk backwards just so you don't forget where you've been? The desire to savor the view or take in the battered land you've left behind, shaking with gratitude that you no longer camp there.
We're walking backwards, every step careful.We're taking in the scene before us, imprinting in our minds where we don't ever want to go again. The war torn land around us is full of pits and sorrow, but we are sure footed. The past 2 weeks have been cautious, anxious and wonderful. I am very apprehensive about believing my husband...worried those thoughts will overtake his mind again. He is very tolerant and gentle in his loving me....reassuring me consistently. I find myself having faith in him again.
We argued yesterday. It was, I believe, a HEALTHY argument. There was no yelling, no bitter words. Yet....my fear overtook me. I had to ask him if he was thinking we'd be better off not together. He said absolutely not. Then we went through the "talk" again....he wasn't going to allow those thoughts, those things only came when it was REALLY bad and he never gave them credence anyways. My heart was settled.
Every day, I believe in him a little bit more. Not only that but I BELIEVE his words. I ask him often what makes these words different than when he said them before. He says it's because he remembered he needed me to breathe. That's good, because I remembered I loved him.
I've said it a lot through this trial: Marriage is HARD. It doesn't come with an instruction manual. Although, the Bible is a great resource. There are so many who seem to do it right...so what was wrong with us that we couldn't get it just so?? Nothing, really. Those who appear to have perfect marriages struggle too...they're just more private. Or maybe they haven't hit the hard time yet. Maybe they're in the middle of it and can't admit it. Honestly, I was confused when things first started to blow up. We loved each other, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. How could we have hit such a HUGE wall??
Well, we're human. And we're not impervious. In fact, when you start thinking you are....well, watch out. That is when you're the most vulnerable.
I've seen marriages crumble over small things, seen families torn apart over someone's choice. Someone decides they just don't like the situation they're in, they just want out. I don't believe that's where my husband was at. I believe he honestly wanted what, he thought, would be better for all involved. It didn't take much convincing for him to realize that was not better for anyone. I am so thankful to God for giving us restoration. So grateful for His continued healing. Not all marriages are healed. My heart breaks for those suddenly single mothers, the fathers that get to see their children only on weekends...the children who are no longer whole.
I pray with relief as we walk backwards into tomorrow. We aren't quite whole...but we will be. God is doing a great work in our marriage and I am so excited to share it with you all. I ache to think you may be hurting, in the midst of a war yourself. Please know that I am praying for you.
Walking backwards takes faith. Let your steps be sure, your heart be comforted. He knows the way, His hand holds yours....and mine.
We're walking backwards, every step careful.We're taking in the scene before us, imprinting in our minds where we don't ever want to go again. The war torn land around us is full of pits and sorrow, but we are sure footed. The past 2 weeks have been cautious, anxious and wonderful. I am very apprehensive about believing my husband...worried those thoughts will overtake his mind again. He is very tolerant and gentle in his loving me....reassuring me consistently. I find myself having faith in him again.
We argued yesterday. It was, I believe, a HEALTHY argument. There was no yelling, no bitter words. Yet....my fear overtook me. I had to ask him if he was thinking we'd be better off not together. He said absolutely not. Then we went through the "talk" again....he wasn't going to allow those thoughts, those things only came when it was REALLY bad and he never gave them credence anyways. My heart was settled.
Every day, I believe in him a little bit more. Not only that but I BELIEVE his words. I ask him often what makes these words different than when he said them before. He says it's because he remembered he needed me to breathe. That's good, because I remembered I loved him.
I've said it a lot through this trial: Marriage is HARD. It doesn't come with an instruction manual. Although, the Bible is a great resource. There are so many who seem to do it right...so what was wrong with us that we couldn't get it just so?? Nothing, really. Those who appear to have perfect marriages struggle too...they're just more private. Or maybe they haven't hit the hard time yet. Maybe they're in the middle of it and can't admit it. Honestly, I was confused when things first started to blow up. We loved each other, we used to be BEST FRIENDS. How could we have hit such a HUGE wall??
Well, we're human. And we're not impervious. In fact, when you start thinking you are....well, watch out. That is when you're the most vulnerable.
I've seen marriages crumble over small things, seen families torn apart over someone's choice. Someone decides they just don't like the situation they're in, they just want out. I don't believe that's where my husband was at. I believe he honestly wanted what, he thought, would be better for all involved. It didn't take much convincing for him to realize that was not better for anyone. I am so thankful to God for giving us restoration. So grateful for His continued healing. Not all marriages are healed. My heart breaks for those suddenly single mothers, the fathers that get to see their children only on weekends...the children who are no longer whole.
I pray with relief as we walk backwards into tomorrow. We aren't quite whole...but we will be. God is doing a great work in our marriage and I am so excited to share it with you all. I ache to think you may be hurting, in the midst of a war yourself. Please know that I am praying for you.
Walking backwards takes faith. Let your steps be sure, your heart be comforted. He knows the way, His hand holds yours....and mine.
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