The "Bad" Me

So, here is a secret: I have a "BAD" me. *GASP*....Oh the HORROR! Bad me likes to listen to non-christian music and occasionally watch "R" rated movies. Bad me wishes I could kick people who frustrate me. Bad me wishes that all her children would just GROW UP already. Bad me wants to eat chocolate all day and watch reality t.v. Those shows are like a train wreck....you just can't look away. Bad me sometimes want to run away to a desert island with nothing but herself and a Starbucks. There are other things that bad me wants to do and I have to constantly keep "her" in check. I know that being a christian, I should do better. However, I also know that it's a constant battle. Paul even said as much. We are almost always taught that if we are doing everything "right", our lives will flow perfectly. If we just wouldn't do this thing or that thing then everything will be peachy. We live in a misconception that if we keep ourselves in check, God will love us more. The truth is, there isn't anything I can do so that God will love me more. He loves me immensely. That doesn't change just because "BAD" me comes out once in a while. Sometimes, we apply the "keep in check" rule to our families. We think that if we just do "this" or "that", then the people we love will always love us. The truth is, sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes, I am downright hard to love. I know it....but I don't stop being difficult. Sometimes, it's hard to love my kids. Yet, deep down...ingrained in my soul is a love that doesn't depend on feeling. It's a love that overcomes frustration, a love that hits so hard that I can't breathe. I've had that love hit many times: with children, with Matty, with my parents and my niece and nephew....friends. It's at those times, I just look up at the Lord with awe and wonder. I realize that if I love MY earthly family in such a way, His love for me is boundless. It has no limit and no size. He will not get tired of me, He will not discard me, He will not STOP loving me. "BAD" me does not discourage the Lord, does not make Him walk away. He will nudge me, remind me that what I may be doing is not glorifying to Him. He will perhaps even discipline me. But He WILL NOT LEAVE ME. We pretend to be "perfect". Pretend that the "BAD" one is never free to roam, that we are in total control. Well, pretend all you want my friend. I'm through. Sometimes the BAD me does come out. Sometimes I make unwise choices. Sometimes I even let those choices rule me. I never excuse....just learn....and I want to continue to do so. He will continue to pick me up, dust me off and love me all the more. And for that, I am grateful. If you happen to hear of a desert island with a Starbucks on it, let me know. I'm looking to relocate.

The Circle

I have returned. Triumphant and all full of Disney memories. It was fabulous. Until we took Harley on Indiana Jones. The first day. Our very FIRST ride. Then it was not so much great. Plus, she had a cold the first few days. I really, really, REALLY wanted this to be fantastic for her.Ugh! But, we took it in stride (I only told her she had to ride Indy again about 50 BILLION times....she didn't) and moved along with our days. And it was fun. Our first day, we met Cinderella. Harley was a happy girl. It was easy to forget things. But as soon as we were back, everything piled up on me. Girl Scouts, Awana, Hillary's wedding/baby, Emily's graduation and party. Chellsei's birthday. Matty's Birthday. I feel like there is this magical circle and everyone else gets to be inside but me. I watch other people say "Hi" to each other, wait for someone to say "Hi" to me. I stand on the perimeter, waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be wanted. I have such expectation. It really isn't fair. I know that sometimes I have this force field around me, shielding me from the outside world....pretending I don't care. When inside, I'm yelling...."Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me!" And I know that is my little girl self. The insecure, not "enough" little girl who hides inside. She doesn't come out all the time. Just when I'm lonely. I feel like I try to build relationships and then after a while, they just crumble....or get like a sponge. Just kind of sit there, lukewarm and mushy. I don't like mushy. That is not who I want to be. How can I teach the girls anything if I am not learning anything?? I mean, really! And so I need to learn. I need to grow and stop letting "little girl" me take over "big girl" me. I am almost 40 years old, about to be a grandma. I should know better! However, I am also human, with emotion and insecurities. There are sometimes, I am just in your face confident and strong. Nothing will get me down. But then, the circle appears and I am once again on the perimeter. I shake it off, pretend I'm ok. But I'm not. I want to be loved, not just by Matty but by my peers. I will walk into the "Circle". I will tread quietly and carefully. I will be bold and say "Hi". I will love with the hope of being loved back. I am loved by God. And Matty. And 6 beautiful and wonderful blessing. I know I'm loved by more than that....sometimes, I just don't feel it. Perhaps I need to stop trying to "feel" it and just KNOW it. Have you ever felt on the outside of a magic circle? It would be nice to know if you've ever felt this way....then I would know that I am perhaps a little normal...no matter how "special" you all really think I am! :D