The "Apples"

I realized something about myself. I am as shallow as a mobsters grave in Vegas. While I've always known I can be snobbish, I totally realized I am SHALLOW! I think I should've outgrown that at about 20 years of age. Didn't happen. Remember those boxes the girl whose name they never have puts people in? Well, she's an apple. And I am the tree. I package people up, nice and tidy. Sometimes, with a bow on top. Where her stuff is a coping mechanism, mine is just pure and not so lovely shallowness. EEK! What a horrible thing to realize.
I want our "apples" boyfriends to be handsome, their friends to be popular and their lives to flow well. I want them to live the charmed life. And I equate that with "beautiful" people. What I want to is why? Is it because our world is undunated with advertisements about what makes you beautiful? Is it because the women on tv and in movies are a size 2 or sometimes smaller? Is it because all the men have abs to die for? According to everything I see and read, they're all perfect. And I am not....however, i believe our "apples" are close. *wink*
Another "apple", Juliet, craves the attention of boys. She wants to be loved by someone. She's concerned that her looks aren't good enough, that her figure isn't just right and that her hair is too thick. She is trying to find her value in a boy's eyes......thankfully not his arms! Again, I am the tree that the apple didn't fall far from.
We do have one daughter who has "fallen" into my shallowness grave. The confident one. She is very sure of herself, knows who she wants to be and where she fits in this world. Until this year, she wore glasses and didn't wear makeup. Regardless of this, she was still very confident. But she liked a certain boy. A boy that didn't fit the "mold" of what I wanted her to like. Now, I kept my mouth shut....honest. However, at the end of summer the contacts went in, the makeup went on and that boy went out the window. She found her "groove".....and never looked back. I don't think the boy realized what happpened, she just quit talking to him. That's my shiny apple, from me....the tree.
The oldest "apple" has a lot of insecurity. Searching for love, acceptance and struggling to still take care of everything. I feel as though I failed the most with her. I tried to be a good mom, but she so anxiously wants my approval and banks so much on my opinion. I can make the most innocent comment and it's taken to heart and flung back at me. She remembers things much different from the way they happened. Yet, even in all this....I see me, the tree. (I am a POET! HELLO!)
We have two apples that have yet to come to "fruition".....I'm hoping that all the things I don't like about myself will not grow in them. As for all the "apples, I want them to be strong, sure and confident. I want them to know their value and worth is in the hands of the One that loves them all the time. That with Him, they need no human man's approval. They are brides of a Bridegroom above all else....He sees them, knows them and LOVES them immensly. And, guess what friends! He loves me that way too! Even with my shallow grave self. I am going to be aware of my shallowness and pray it away.....and I will know I am prepping the way for these daughters to do the same.


ending thought: how many bodies are buried in Vegas?
I'm going to stop "burying" people in my mind, stop killing them with my shallowness...

Infatuation

That is a loaded word. I see it in our girls, the way they like a boy. Or in the younger ones, the way they like a certain toy. Sometimes in my husband. He likes NCIS....and guns....and a holster for his gun. Drives me crazy. Rod Stewart had a song called "Infatuation". Anyone remember that?
Mostly, I see it in me. It's odd, the things that infatuate me. Years ago, I loved that show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Owned every season and couldn't get me away from it. Mostly, I liked "Spike". Bad boy vampire with bleach blonde hair. Sigh...I couldn't help it. He was HOT! (sorry hubby...FYI hubby was well aware of my crush) I would watch it daily. Guess what happened? God told me to stop watching and to get rid of every season. WHAT??! So I did. I didn't want to. It was like taking off my arm. Ok, not really....but STILL! Sigh. That was 5 years ago. To this day, I haven't watched an episode. I want to, even tried to watch one on Hulu. Funny thing: that show was down that day.
Other things that infatuate me: the color red, skeletons (leftover from Buffy days?), Dancing with the Stars and Jack Vettriano, an artist. I tend to like odd things. Things that others would say are really strange. But that's ok. I think infatuation can be healthy, as long as it doesn't turn into obsession. God is a jealous God....He should be our obsession, our passion and our focus.
I've realized lately that the things that infatuate me take up too much of my time. I have a lot of "ought to"s in my life. I need to realize that the things I "ought to" do are the things I CAN do. Things I get the priveledge to do. I CAN love my husband for the rest of our lives. I CAN read my bible every day. I CAN exercise and eat right. It's ok to enjoy my infatuations. It's not ok to put them first and begin an "ought to" lifestyle.
There are other things I am infatuated with: Harley's smile, Chellsei's sparkle, Kaily's free thinking, Emily's nurturing, Savannah's joy and HIllary's growth. And I love, love, loveeeeee my Matty. And I am infatuated with my God. He is truley an awesome God. I love that He loves my joy, that He loves me so much He gave me things to enjoy.I CAN worship Him every day, talk to Him and rave over Him. Not only can I, but I will. Hopefully every day. But if I get distracted, I know He still loves me. He's just waiting for me to come back around. And sometimes, He nudges. It may be a sacrifice on my end (what I think is a sacrifice), but it's always worth it. His presence is my reward.

sidenote: Matty's hair was bleached when I met him.....Sigh....

Let's do the Time Warp

Do you hear that? Listen close....it's the sound of my girls being wrapped in bubble wrap. Or at least their hearts. Another heart semi broken. This time, it's the girl whose name they never have. They weren't together very long. They just clicked. And he's very nice and I believe he really likes her. Alot. However, there was just one thing they didn't exactly agree on. God. And that's a biggie. So they're just friends....for now.
I wish I could just freeze time. Rewind. Start over. There are so many things I would do differently. I would still love Michael Jackson (duh!) and love the color pink. I would rethink stirrup pants (UGH) and still LOVE Duran Duran. Other than that, I wouldn't change my teen years. They shaped me, molded me and showed me who NOT to be.
In regards to my girls...OOOO, there is much to do differently. I would play many games, not be too tired and I wouldn't save every paper from school. (a whole tote of school work YEARS old) Hillary is our oldest. She is still our trial girl. Everything we do, and how we respond to her, is brand new to us. With our Bonus, everything is old hat. It almost isn't fair. I told our Juliet that the bonus is our 6th eight year old. We kind of know what to expect now. And what to do. Unfortunetly for Hillary, she is our 1st twenty year old! And most times, we are CLUELESS! She's in a good place now...learning lessons in a loving home. I miss her much.
If I could go through a time warp, I would stop Juliet from dating Romeo. Tonight, when the girl whose name they never have's ex called, Juliet looked at me. Tears in her eyes, she asked if I thought they would get back together. I said probably. Crying, she asked (softly) why that couldn't have happened with her. My heart wept for her. I realized that the brave face she's had since the break up is just that. Brave. She worries all the time about a husband...worries that Romeo was the only boy who will ever love her. If I could rewind, I would zap her with confidence, a truth that as long as she's God's it's all under control! I can't go back, though. So I will help her go forward.
The girl whose name they never have....she is sad. Sigh. If I could go back on this one, would I? No. It was short, sweet and maybe will be again. I only know that I am praying for this boy. Praying that God become part of his life in a big way. The girl, she knows what God's will was with this. She said the Holy Spirit was on her and conviction rode her mind. She knows it's better as the boy's friend. But that doesn't hurt less. As I cuddled her in front of the meat department in Albertsons, my heart cried for her. And I was proud. She listened to God, and that's not easy at 15.
No time warps for me. No matter how many times I hum the tune...Just life lessons. It's just harder for me this time around. I thought mine hurt. Nothing hurts like watching your children hurt.

BTW: I pray daily for Romeo too....he misses my Juliet. If these kids can get it together with God, nothing will stop them. And the hurt will be replaced with joy.