What's Your Deal?

Here's mine. I am beloved. I am His. I am a sinner. I used to wear a giant red letter A. I am a mom of SIX daughters. Yes, I have no boys. What would I do with them??? I have been divorced twice, married thrice. (fun word, right??) I am loud, brash, intuitive, bossy (which equals good leadership skills), creative and a Disney lover. I lose it with my kids, tell my daughter how to be a mother and don't exactly love my son in law right. I'm protective, cranky, silly and just when you think you've got me figured out, I throw a curve ball at you. I like things other people overlook, I think art is just that and don't worry about the little things.

I was listening to my "Worship" playlist this morning while I did my Ruth bible study. In the bible, way after Ruth and Naomi have traveled to Naomi's home land and Ruth has forsaken everything, Ruth is referred to as the Moabitess. Well, we all know that's who she is/was. We all know the facts. So why? Well, the author then reminds us about Ruth's soon to be mother in law. Rahab. The harlot. Prostitute. That's how she's remembered in the bible. BUT it's not because they want you to reflect upon her sin. It's because they want you to reflect on her redemption. Rahab is directly related to Jesus. Rahab the harlot is DIRECTLY related to the Lamb of God, God's Son....Savior of the entire world. Take a moment to think on that.

Here's my deal: I sometimes feel like I should conform. Wear the latest "in" style, do my hair like everyone else and take up knitting. I should NEVER tell anyone my story, always sugar coat and pretend like the world is full of lollipops and rainbows. Even when it's stormy out and the lollipops melt in the rain. I sometimes feel as though I'm not good enough for other people. I mean, sometimes it seems like no one else ever sins. They always smile and are so shiny. I think underneath it all, they aren't so shiny. Anyways, when I get stuck feeling like this, God whaps me upside the head with Rahab the harlot. I wasn't a harlot, but some would construe me as such. But God reminds me that Rahab the harlot is His beloved, so much so that she is Jesus' grandmother WAY back down the line. The Redeemers grandmother! Seriously!

So where does that leave me? Sinning, scarlet letter A, pregnant at each of my weddings me? Well, it leaves me washed, white as snow, pure before my Lord. It leaves me beloved, His, held by His hands and forgiven. It leaves me 'Unleft'....not alone, not forgotten. Rahab the harlot believed. Ruth left her homeland and followed her mother in law and believed. Both women were redeemed, spiritually and physically. And years later, in these womens' lineage, a baby was born. A baby that was destined to die....to save the world. What a testament! What a joy! What grace! What a mighty God!

So, What's Your Deal? What do you hide? What part of yourself do you think no one would love you because of? Let it go, dear one. He sees you and loves you. He is so for you and when you're done trying to make your own stubborn way, He is waiting. (I know this for a FACT!) As the author of my study says, I'm a former 'bad girl'. Maybe I'll be known in His book as Erin, the wearer of the scarlet letter. Because, that is not me. It's who I was, but not who I am. My redemption is complete. And if that IS how I'm known, it's a testament to Him, to His grace and love. He brought me out of the pit.

The Big Deal: Him. No matter who you are, or who you have been, He can and will redeem you. Yell at Him, cry to Him, sing to Him....He doesn't care, He just wants YOU.

I am His big deal. He rejoices over me, loves me and provides. He is my kinsman redeemer.

3 things:
If I ever take up knitting, remind me I don't like it.
Can I make lollipop soup out of melted lollis?
AND....Why isn't the world full of rainbow slides?
Good day, friends. Enjoy it!

In a Nutshell

Children should come with instruction manuals. They should have one for every stage. A teen manual would be wonderful. Even one that just said: "Your child is normal, other people have gone through this!". I would appreciate that. A lot! What would be better is a manual on adult children.

For some reason, depending on the experience, our adult children seem to think that now is a good time to tell us all the things we did wrong. Like: not letting one child get a tattoo when she was 16, also making that same child pay for her own cell phone service (she had a job) and not getting the other girl drivers training. And seriously!...what is up with that one girl making those choices??!!

In a nutshell, children, we aren't perfect. I know that I often exude the mirage of perfection by the way my hair is perfectly coiffed, the way I am always dressed to the nines and the way every word I say is laden with knowledge and worldliness. Uh huh....that's me. However, besides all that lovely perfection (NOT), we do the best we can. We are, after all, only human.

Each girl has crawled into a nutshell. Sometimes they camp there, holding on to the tattoo that never happened or dating a new boy every month. Sometimes they hide there, pretending it's a bubble. Sometimes, it's a good nutshell. A growth shell, if you will. Sometimes, in their nutshell, they cry over most things. And I just want to shout "There's no crying in baseball!". Even though we're not playing baseball.

I don't remember when I crawled out of my nutshell, don't know when life started clicking for me differently. As I was growing up, I had bits and pieces of sanity then I would choose to crawl back into my own nutshell. I often chose the wrong way. And there are things that I look back on and see where my parents should've taken responsibility. They make much better parents as grandparents. I also see where I hold on to things (just like tattoo girl) that I should let go. Because, GASP, my parents weren't/aren't perfect either!

So here it is, the big "IN A NUTSHELL": It's all about grace. Grace you give your children when they back talk, grace they give you when you become "Mom/Dad-zilla". Grace to your partner in crime, the one you choose to love daily. Grace they give you when you get mad over nothing and make them sleep on the couch. Grace you give that person who drives crazy in front of you. Mostly, it's about Grace. The grace that God gives. The undeserved favor that He bestows so willingly, so lovingly. And all we have to do is accept Him. I can NOT do enough to gain it. In fact, there is NOTHING I can do. It's a gift. Free and clear.

I no longer live in a nutshell....a nut house, yes, but not a shell! Reach out, grab Him, my friend. He waits for you.

People are Friends, Not Playthings

People put other people in "boxes". They tend to look, assess and decide in a split second. And sometimes, they decide it would be fun to "play" with anothers life. I myself am VERY guilty of this. Not in recent years, but certainly as a selfish teen girl.

I used to push my boundaries, test the limits of another persons heart and patience. I would say horrible things, do horribler (HA, my own word) things and watch and see if my house of cards would fall down. When it didn't....well!...look out world, I was unleashed. Looking back, I have so much sorrow over the way I abused boys' hearts, and their trust. As possible, I have sought those boys out and asked forgiveness.

Recently, our colt girl broke someones heart. It was unintentional. However, sadly, this has burned a bridge that won't be built again. Her heart belongs to the far away boy....she tried to forget, to move past the one week this summer and to really appreciate this other boy. Alas, it didn't work. She didn't intend to cause him pain. She just couldn't justify their relationship while she felt that way about someone else.

This boy, the broken heart, he told her to contact him if she ever changed her mind. Sigh. Too much power for our "colt" girl. Ah, the heady rush of power. She holds his heart and emotions in her tiny hands. She could crush him. But she won't. As often as possible, I've reminded them they can not use other people as a means to justify an end. That they can not experiment emotionally with someone else just because that someone gives them the chance.

At some point, they may be the ones taken on the emotional tilt a whirl. They may be flipped upside down, thrown for a loop and taken for a ride. (I'm thinking Disneyland) But, I hope not. I pray not. I know that each daughter will be loved. I know that they will thrive and grow with their spouse. I know that along the way to find that someone they may hurt someone else in the process. I remind them that those others are precious, set aside for someone else. I remind them never to abuse the "power" one may give them. I remind them that "People are friends, not Playthings".

I am forever grateful that there is one who never plays with me. One who loves me unconditionally. One who sees and knows all I've done and all I'll do. I am His, beloved and treasured....in 'blue'.

What is Fair, exactly?

There's a song that says "when a heart breaks, it don't break even". And I believe that. And that is NOT fair. Because it should hurt equally on both sides. I broke hearts when I was a teenager. I remember embarrassing a current boyfriend as I sat with my "ex" at a football game. I actually stood up and very loudly used choice words towards him. And yet, that same boyfriend took me back. So did the "ex". At the same time. One boyfriend in high school, one boyfriend out of high school. Not fair at all.

Our 'colt' girl met someone this summer. It wasn't super amazing or remarkable. There wasn't anything very different about him. He loves the Lord and shows it. For once, our 'colt' girl was settled, her heart calm. I wish I could say it ends happily. But, it doesn't. He had to go home, which is very far away. Our girl was devastated. Unfair, I tell you....to meet someone and have no choice in where they are from.

I don't know how to end this one. My heart hurts for the young ones involved, for the unfairness of it all. For the sorrow...for the fallout that will be. There is much more story, I just can't tell it. Just know that the sorrow is much and it isn't "fair" at all. We can encourage our children to be honest, to tell the truth. We can encourage them to not throw words like "I love you" around. We can encourage them to not avoid things....they tend to think that avoidance is key. And they can pretend that nothing matters. But in the end...that's not fair. Someone will get hurt.

And when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even. Not ever. That is the greatest unfairness of it all....

I Forget

I forget numerous thing. Most notably my phone. And once a child taking a nap. Also, I forget sometimes to pick my kids up. Sometimes, I even pretend to forget things so I won't have to do them.

Recently, I read a blog by someone who opened their heart about their struggle with infertility. I was moved by their honesty, their candid words. And it led to me to remember that I forget.

I forget that there are people who would swap everything they have to have what I have. I forget that the way God has blessed me the richest is a struggle for many. I forget to see these precious gifts as such. I forget so often that each life was created, His plan.

Mostly it's when I've hollered 5 times to "Come down to dinner!", or when I've cleaned every room and given a 'fresh start'....only to find a week later it's like gnomes came through looking for treasures. I forget when grades are bad, when they inform me they have somewhere to be and it starts in 5 minutes. I forget when I'm watching ANOTHER Barbie movie and I just want to smother myself with a pillow.

I remember when I was pregnant with the tall girl. I was at a store and the cashier slowly counted the children with me. At this time, I had a step-son. As she finished counting, her eyes clouded over and she said to me "4 children and you're pregnant. You probably don't even want this one.". I looked at her in shock, quickly finished my transaction and left. My heart hurt, for both of us. After Harley was born, I had a similar experience with another gal. Her and her husband had been trying desperately to have a child. When her husband found out we had 6 daughters, he shoved his wife at me and asked me to "Please, rub off on her.". My heart ached, the sorrow in her eyes so deep, shame radiating from her face. I see it, you know. On other faces. I never know what to say.

I forget that what seemed simple for me is so hard for others. I forget that when we're pinching pennies and "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" that God has richly blessed us. It's so easy to forget.....so easy to just let myself off the hook for forgetting.

I'm not saying that now everything will be perfect, and suddenly the roses will bloom and unicorns will lolligag around my house. I'm saying that I will be more sensitive, more aware and take more time to just enjoy. Life is still going to happen and things are going to be up and down. But I will not forget that my riches come in the package of girls.

I will remember....

It's a New Year. Full of new possibilities. Full of unknown joys and unknown trials. My resolution is to remember. Remember what, you ask? Well....

I will remember that my husband doesn't think like me. I will try not to expect him to.

I will remember to enjoy the moments that Harley wants to play a game I've played a thousand times. She is only 10 for 8 more months. She reminds me all the time that she will be a "tween" come September. Sigh.

I will remember that first love is sweet....and that certain people only get ONE minute to say goodbye to their boyfriend. After that she will get yanked inside the house.

I will remember to take time to talk to my girls. Slowly, they are moving out of our home and into lives of their own.

I will remember that we raised that one girl with common sense and God. I can't make her make the choices I would....she's already made so many that I never had the sense to make!

I will remember that my body is meant to be strong. I will not get caught up in what I "should" be, but work on who God created me to be.

I will remember that my Matty likes my curves. That's all.

I will remember to be patient with the puppy. Even when I wish Murphy would eat her.

I will remember to laugh at the little things. After all, they really don't matter.

I will remember God's abundant love and provision over 2012. Sometimes, it seemed as though we had been forgotten...but He reminded me that He bottles my tears and was always there.

I will remember to call my friends. And they will remember to call me. And my parents. I will call them.

I will remember to read my bible. His word is a blueprint, a guide and truth.

I will remember to pray. And when I don't, He will remind me.

I will remember to be patient with that one girl. She is changing daily and learning about herself. I forget how hard the transition from "tween" to "teen" is.

I will remember to love my husband...he will love me.

I will remember that my granddaughters mother is not me....she has to learn things by doing. I can't do them all...even though I want to.

I will remember to hug my girls. They're squishable.

Mostly, I will remember that I am His beloved. I will cling to that, bank on it and hold it tight. And if I forget, my tattoo reminds me. In blue.

What will you remember this year?

Stolen!

I've taken (stolen) this idea from a friend:


Best Quotes of the Year! (spoken in loud, booming voice)

1)"Well, I'm not going to date him if he doesn't have any money." By Kaily, age 15.(now 16) Who has a job and is currently dating someone who has no money. She has finally stopped growing, height wise, but continues to grow emotionally and spiritually. We are proud of the woman she is becoming and look forward to seeing her become the surgeon she aspires to be.

2)"Can you take my place?!" By Hillary, near the end of her labor. We are so very excited that we are officially grandparents! We love that Hillary and Jeremy have moved here and we are able to be a part of their lives and get to see little Reya grow up! What a joy!

3)"I told them I was their first fan!" By Harley, age 10. In the spring she got to go to her very first concert and saw her favorite band. By the quote, you can tell what she told them. She continues to grow upward, and is loving being a auntie. God is key in her life and she'll tell anyone all about Him. She is still quite the character and enjoyed very much meeting Cinderella 10 times at Disneyland.

4)"I can't get it to send to your yoo-hoo account." By Matty, trying to send an e-mail to my Yahoo. Matty continues to soldier on amidst this army of girls. And while he has a son in law now, it still doesn't even up the playing field. We even got a girl puppy. He loves his new job at the hospital and really is looking forward to moving up in his chosen work.

5)"I'm not reaching into my stocking to get a bandaid!" By Chellsei, age 17. Said just a minute ago. She continues to inspire me with her wise words and is currently looking into colleges. She saw God's answer to prayer when she got to meet Hawk Nelson in person and chatted with them for 5 minutes behind the stage. We are so very proud of her and are so excited to see her grow in faith. (she stopped growing height wise a long time ago)

6)"I can't go _______________ because I'm going home for the weekend" By Emily, age 19. She was trying to surprise me....however once on facebook, it is no longer a surprise. She is doing well at University of Idaho and we are so very proud of her. Her focus is a little askew, but she'll straighten out. She currently has a boyfriend who is younger than her.

7)"Kaily has to marry 'Siah so we can be sisters." By Savannah, age 12. Her very good friend has a brother that they want Kaily to marry so they can be forever related. I told Savannah she could marry him herself and get the same result. The look she gave was priceless. She is doing great in school and her sense of humor shows itself daily.

8)"Seriously??!" Said by me, age 40. Constantly and daily. I am still flawed, trying to keep myself together and still be nice to those around me. I am a work in progress and know that God isn't done yet.....so thankful for that! My heart aches in knowing that our time is short with the girls, but so grateful that we've had them. They are all beautiful and wonderful girls, with a heart for the Lord. I am enjoying being Matty's wife....even on days we fight. ;)

So, this is it. My "Stolen" idea....I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year. I look forward to chatting with you again in 2013.

Remember, He is the reason for the season!

9)"Would love to see a picture of that baby!" By Jeri, friend. Jeriana! Look on FaceBook....pictures are EVERYWHERE! Love you!