A letter to my daughters.

On the night I got broken open, I felt like I would die. I could not breathe. My heart longed for easier days, younger days. Days when I was all you needed, all you wanted. Days of laughing late into the night, days of playing "taxi", days of boyfriend meet and greets, days of getting ready for dances, movie nights and a full house. I love you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 I mourn those days. 

 I knew life couldn't be like that always. I knew that those sweet little girls, with their individual spirits and minds, would grow up. Gone are the impish smiles, the lit up face when you looked at Dad or me. Gone are the quiet talks, the shed tears on my shoulder. Gone are the moments that only you and I would share, each one individual and special. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 I knew I would fail you. I knew, someday, you would tell me all about how I did it. A harsh word. One less picture. A nosy question. A stepped over boundary. The desire to know the truth. The moments I forgot, the moments I was too busy. That time I missed a presentation, an important meeting or appointment. The human moment where I yelled and caused emotional wounds. And I knew all these things would be wrapped up in how you think I love you. How favored you are or not. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine.

 Here's a secret. It has nothing to do with any of it. Sometimes, I was overwhelmed. Sometimes, I needed to breathe and couldn't figure out how. Sometimes, I needed the chaos of a full house to drown out the voice that told me I wasn't worthy. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. I was louder than you because you went to 100 when I was at 10. I couldn't take a moment to chat because my hands were in egg, milk and flour as I breaded chicken. I tried to hear you, someone else was louder. I didn't understand why you were upset that you couldn't be downstairs, you were too young. I'm sorry they got mad at you for being the youngest. I'm sorry I was a different mom when you were born; I learned a lot in 12 years. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 Some of you think I'm mean, terrible and awful. I've heard it lately. Some of you question my belief in the Lord. Because, pregnant at 2 weddings and such. Pregnant at 3 weddings, dear one. Owned every ounce of sin involved. It's my sinful past...forgiven and forgotten by God, how dare YOU throw it back at me. I loved you every day, all the time, all your life and mine. 

 You girls think that just because your certain ages now, you "should" be a different way. Shouldn't lean on mom. Shouldn't need mom. Or you've replaced me with what you deem a more "worthy" version. You're wrong. I'm your mom. And if I, at 49 still need MY mom, why couldn't you need yours? I don't expect the relationship to stay the same. I expect it to grow. For us to laugh at new things, talk differently about sex, have movie nights, date days/nights, late night phone calls or even an "I love you, Mom" text. Instead, I get crickets. When I ask, I'm told to get you some dates....I do and nothing comes of it. My question is, why do I have to ask. Why can't you ask? Why can't you reach out? Why can't you call me....text me. Hear and UNDERSTAND this: I KNOW you are adults. I KNOW you have lives, jobs, children etc. I do NOT expect you to drop everything to be available all the time. What I hope for is a "Let's go to lunch mom." or an "I love you mom" or a "Hey mom, want to have a movie night?" or "Let's get together to play a game." As the days pass, my heart breaks a little bit more.

 I couldn't, if I tried, stop loving you. It doesn't matter if you've yelled things at me that hurt, or said things to sibling that you won't take accountability for. It doesn't matter that you favor dad, even though I carried you, birthed you, nursed you and loved you. He was there. It doesn't even matter that you say terrible things about me and won't honor me enough to talk TO ME about them. What's more, you see nothing wrong with what you say. The words hurt, the threats hurt, the angry looks hurt. And my heart breaks a bit more. I will never condone sinful choices. We say our piece. We get smoke and mirrors back. Make a decision. Stand on your hill. Choose to die there, if you must. BUT OWN IT. We won't stop speaking biblical truth into your lives; we love you all too much. We want so much more for you guys. We want to help you find the perfect house, the best school for children, the perfect wedding venue. All while speaking truth....and loving you. We just want time. With you, each of you, alone. Time with you and the "other" in your life. You and the littles that bring such joy to all who see them. You can't use distance as an excuse, video chat is a balm to my soul. 

 I love our grandchildren. I love our sons in law. I love the man who will be married into the family; God says to. I love my parents. I love your dad. I love God the most. But you 6, you glorious gifts given to ME by God, I LOVE YOU, EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME, ALL YOUR LIFE AND MINE. Someday, the all your life or mine will be over. Is this how you want it to be? Stretched thin, pretending behind a facade, the moments fraught with tenseness and lost time because of pride? Not me. That is not what I want, and I don't believe it's what God wants. He wants what's good for us, and the way it's been, that is NOT good of any kind. 

 My dearest, my darlings....I love you. Reach out. To me, to each other. Tomorrow isn't promised....is today how you want to live? 

 It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:2-4