I'm not even sure. How does one really get over things that happen? How does a bible believing woman slip up so often and forget that she's already forgiven the very thing that she's complaining about?? How?!
What a word! I get asked 'how' a lot in my daily life. The girls ask me how to do something, my husband asks me how to word something. The How is very important. Yet....I can't seem to get it myself.
I find myself struggling with all the 'hows'. Yes, I've forgiven Matty. Yet....I guess I haven't. I thought I did. But then the 'hows' came up in conversation. As in "How could you (Matty) say....or do.....". And I sit in my unhappy square, struggling with the 'how'.
Funny thing is, I already know HOW. God. He's the 'how'. All through scripture, He is VERY clear. TRUST HIM. We do NOT have to lean upon our own understanding. We don't have to actually answer the HOWs that come up. He is ready and willing to carry all the burdens associated with that tiny, 3 letter word.
Well.
I always amaze myself. I am always amazed at how (HAH!) easily I want to sling those burdens up onto my back. Um, Erin, WHY? Good Golly! I don't even know. Apparently, somewhere down the line, I have decided to believe that I am not important enough for the Almighty to bother with. I have decided that I can do it myself. That's when I get stuck worrying about all the HOWs. He watches and waits; always more than willing to carry them for me. Joyful and sobering all at once.
Tonight, we had a HOW conversation. Those are never pretty. They usually entail me talking a lot, with him nodding and looking a bit glazed. Not sure it's effective. Coming off the heels of this conversation, our Little Bit got sick. That just felt like the icing on a very terrible cake. And I'm sitting here, wondering HOW I'm ever going to survive.
I'll tell you. Grace. It's new every day. His love abounds; knows no limits. There is no HOW to God. He keeps every promise, bottles every tear. I may ask Him HOW...I may even doubt. He will just love me. His arms open wide; His mercy continual.
I don't know HOW other than Him.
He is the reason my marriage is surviving, even with the HOW conversations. He is the reason our girls are growing well and we have food. I don't actually have to know HOW, I just have to trust.
What HOW are you struggling with? There isn't anything He isn't working on. Nothing He isn't seeing. He knows your heart, my heart. He knows HOW. Let Him love you through it!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Mother's Day
Mother's Day is right around the corner. Until about 7 years or so ago, I celebrated with the rest of the world. Celebrated my mom, was celebrated by my girls. Then, suddenly, I was hit by sorrow. Not mine. Others.
I had friends who wanted to be mothers...they couldn't. I knew women who longed to carry a baby, their body denying them that joy. I knew single women who longed to get married and have a family. I knew someone once who told me she would trade all her monetary riches just to have what I had; all these girls and not a lot of money. My heart ached for them.
In some forums they do this thing where all the moms stand up and get recognized. I feel hearts breaking, little pieces falling like shards of glass. What is worthy to be celebrated is suddenly heart wrenching to others. I don't believe there is ever malice; just sadness.
About 4 years ago, we had a school chat with a couple of teachers from the school our girls went to. One of those was an older never been married woman. She made reference to not understanding what it was like to be a parent, her words wistful. As we all talked about the one specific daughter, it dawned on me that even though this woman was single with no children, she was still helping to raise our girls. Now don't misunderstand....I mean she had influence over them. She was responsible for them in her class and even helped to shape some of their thought process. Overcome with gratitude, I let her know that even though she wasn't a 'mother', she was still very important; her love for students evident. Her eyes filled with tears as she thanked me.
I realized then that there are so many women in our daughters lives that deserve credit. I've tried to live that since. We (Matty and I) are their full time parents. They are out in this world, whether at youth group, school or mission trips and they interact with women. Women who love me, who love them. Women who influence them, listen to them and respect them. I am honored.
I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate....I have carried 7 babies, given birth to 6 and raised almost all of them to pretty good adults. They are all alive, self-sufficient and loving the Lord. That is worthy of partying about! I am saying that maybe, this Mother's Day, celebrate the influential women in your life. Remember those who love your kiddos; those that look longingly upon your worn out body with envy. They celebrate you....I know this. I try to remember them, whatever their story.
God is so gracious...I am so very glad that my worthiness to Him isn't based on how many children I have or how successful they are. I am so glad to know that I am valued to Him on my own.
Celebrate well, friends.
Happy Mother's Day...to my mom, to my daughter and to all the women who have influenced our daughter's worlds. You are precious to me.
I had friends who wanted to be mothers...they couldn't. I knew women who longed to carry a baby, their body denying them that joy. I knew single women who longed to get married and have a family. I knew someone once who told me she would trade all her monetary riches just to have what I had; all these girls and not a lot of money. My heart ached for them.
In some forums they do this thing where all the moms stand up and get recognized. I feel hearts breaking, little pieces falling like shards of glass. What is worthy to be celebrated is suddenly heart wrenching to others. I don't believe there is ever malice; just sadness.
About 4 years ago, we had a school chat with a couple of teachers from the school our girls went to. One of those was an older never been married woman. She made reference to not understanding what it was like to be a parent, her words wistful. As we all talked about the one specific daughter, it dawned on me that even though this woman was single with no children, she was still helping to raise our girls. Now don't misunderstand....I mean she had influence over them. She was responsible for them in her class and even helped to shape some of their thought process. Overcome with gratitude, I let her know that even though she wasn't a 'mother', she was still very important; her love for students evident. Her eyes filled with tears as she thanked me.
I realized then that there are so many women in our daughters lives that deserve credit. I've tried to live that since. We (Matty and I) are their full time parents. They are out in this world, whether at youth group, school or mission trips and they interact with women. Women who love me, who love them. Women who influence them, listen to them and respect them. I am honored.
I'm not saying we shouldn't celebrate....I have carried 7 babies, given birth to 6 and raised almost all of them to pretty good adults. They are all alive, self-sufficient and loving the Lord. That is worthy of partying about! I am saying that maybe, this Mother's Day, celebrate the influential women in your life. Remember those who love your kiddos; those that look longingly upon your worn out body with envy. They celebrate you....I know this. I try to remember them, whatever their story.
God is so gracious...I am so very glad that my worthiness to Him isn't based on how many children I have or how successful they are. I am so glad to know that I am valued to Him on my own.
Celebrate well, friends.
Happy Mother's Day...to my mom, to my daughter and to all the women who have influenced our daughter's worlds. You are precious to me.
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