Things We Don't Talk About

There are things, in this world, that we don't talk about. You'd like to believe that as Christians, believers in the one true God, we'd be honest with each other about our sins, sorrows and all the struggles we go through. Because then, we'd know we're not alone. But there are things we don't talk about....so we think we're alone. I've used this blog as a forum. A way to be completely honest with you. And here I am again.

I won't go into too much detail. We're not there yet. BUT...Matty and I started marriage counseling on Friday. GASP! I know! COUNSELING! Um, what EXACTLY is the big deal?

We are admitting that as a married couple (almost 14 years) WE ARE STRUGGLING. The struggle we're going through now is pretty big. Our sorrow is bigger....but we're staying married. And we're talking to someone about it. We are able to talk without judgement, talk without worrying how the other will respond. We are able to cry, laugh and be angry. This person, this counselor, listens and is FOR our marriage. Bigger than that, WE are for our marriage. Even bigger (and better), God is for our marriage.

A few blogs ago, I wrote about how I "left" Matty and he "left" me. I thought we were working through it. Turns out it was a bandaid. An easy fix....an "OH LOOK! Everything's better!". Nope. Not even close. The details are too new to share, but I believe that someday God will press us to do just that. Why? So that you KNOW you're not the only believer to struggle. I'm sure this has you speculating. You can speculate all you want.....it doesn't get you anywhere.

It's easy to look at another couple and think that you're nothing like them. Beware, your marriage is at risk. Protect your hearts, guard your spouse's. Don't get caught up in the idea that you're safe just because you're saved. Those are two very different things, my friends.

I love my husband. My husband loves me. Sometimes, we need to be reminded. Sometimes, we need a bit of help discovering how to get back "on track" and out of the complacency our lives have slipped into. It's so easy to get into a rut, same thing every day. Same conversation, new day. Same sorrows....same confusion....same struggles. Not knowing how to get back in control, the spiral getting tighter. There is always a catalyst....be aware.

You are not alone. I know that those of you that are married have not had the perfect marriage, no matter the front we see. I know that everyone one of us is a sinner....therefore there is no perfection. We need to start talking. We need to start being honest. We need to show each other the healed wounds, the victory that we have overcome the bad. We need......

Please pray for us. It's not easy, yet already some things have gotten.....non complacent. Our goal is to love each other better, remember each other more and to stay married. He is my beloved, I am his.

More importantly, we are both His.

"Its a slow fade
When you give yourself away
Its a slow fade
When black and white are turned to gray

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than youre thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking"

Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. I do not own the rights to these lyrics, am so thankful they exist.

The Learns I've Learned

I have returned. Sans a tall girl. My heart is sad yet overjoyed to see my other girls. And so very glad that life has slowed down. I wonder if it'll stay that way......

I cried. A lot. I'm still prone to bouts of tears. Not as much.

I learned some things on this journey.....

Here's ten of them:

1) I'm stronger than I think. I can drive numerous miles, drop my flesh and blood off and leave her. It wasn't easy, there were lots of tears. However, I am home and she is at her new home.

2) Bravery is something I'm capable of. I drove a LONG way, folks. It was quite an adventure...I had great adventure buddies. (buddY on the way home) C played a hippie's djembe at a truck stop. QUITE the adventurer, that one!

3) Just because Colorado has "Bear Crossing" signs (with pictures of the bears on them) doesn't mean you'll actually see a bear. Bummer.

4) Buffalo Bill is buried in Colorado.

5)Cockroaches are creepy. They scurry in the dark....when you least expect them. Eeesh!

6)Birds like my car. Really. We had at least 4 dive bomb it...2 were successful. Pretty sure they died.

7) Bugs. Windshield. Ewwwww!

8) The tall girl can cook! And it's yummy!

9) God loves me. We saw so many wonderous things....I am in awe of His love.Plus we saw hippies dancing at the rock arch. They had an "alien" van.

10)You'd like to think everything will be easier tomorrow....it isn't.

We were assaulted when we walked in. Her stuff was everywhere. You'd think it had all been packed and was being unpacked at her new home. Nope. That would be too easy. And so I learned that small things can bring tears in grown women. (not me, for the record) Sweatshirts, posters, perfume bottles...all hold tear inciting power when your best friend has left them behind.

It will take time. She'll settle, we'll settle. It's not like we're never going to see her again. It's just that this feels so permanent. And even though I had company...I had to do this on my own. Again. I've had some very emotional things that I've done with out my emotional cheerleader next to me. (Matty, in case you're curious) I'm worn.

I wouldn't take a moment back. I've had some very sweet moments with these very sweet girls. And with our son in law. He definitely isn't used to our brand of crazy and drama sends him to a happy place somewhere in his mind, but I love him. He'll get used to it. These moments are treasures. The wedding, reception, New Mexico journey....those are full of moments to be treasured and cherished. I learned I need to cherish.

We're good. Life will continue forward. I don't want to miss any moments....so I am grabbing what comes and enjoying it.


One more things I learned:
New Mexico is better than dead.....


"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you."
Christopher Robin, Pooh's Grand Adventure