I think there is a desire by all women to know they are beautiful. As I stalked Facebook last night, I noticed multiple pictures of grown women pursing their lips into the camera, flirtatiously eyeing whoever might stumble upon them. In comparison, most of the teen girls I know have sweet pictures of themselves and their awkward prom dates. Both beautiful....however, I think one set feels as though they have something to prove.
I know. I've belonged to the 'come hither' group. There is one picture I had up once that my mom said should be reserved for my hubby only. It wasn't inappropriate, it was just the look on my face. It's a darn good picture and honestly, the Little Bit took it. It was totally unintentional. But when I posted it, I admit, I was hoping for likes and perhaps even some comments on my perceived beauty.
As I see these women's photos, I know they're hoping for some "Dang, girl...you look GOOD!" comments. And they get some. But...isn't it all smoke and mirrors? I'm quite sure they don't ALWAYS look like that. I know I don't always look like the completely put together gal you all know me to be. (hahahahhahahhaha) Now, before you get all up on your high hippity horse, please know that I am not saying it's not a good thing to put your best self forward. We all do it. But what I am saying is that, for myself, I need to remember that I don't need a gold star to look good to God. He sees past the smoke, past the mirror and into my heart.
When my goal is to catch some sweet, honeyed phrases...I kind of feel like a hussy. Every woman (even you/your wife/girlfriend/mother etc) has a desire to know that what caught her man is still what keeps her man. They desire to know they are beautiful even though they wear the badge of motherhood. They desire to know they're lovely even when they don't do their hair at 5 a.m. so you won't see them undone. They desire to know that when their make up hasn't been washed off and they're wearing sweats and a t-shirt with holes in it, you still love them. So they put up a great photo, revel in the compliments and remember that they are BEAUTIFUL. But here's the secret: You/I am always beautiful to the Creator. He sees us with the dirty shirts, dirty hair, kids hanging off our hip. He sees us crying when we're overwhelmed and laughing crazy like when things seem to be going upside down. To Him, I am beautiful. To Him, I have the grace of a ballet dancer, the beauty of the ocean. He doesn't need me to prove it by posting a picture of me looking like I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'm 40.
Having 6 very different daughters (in looks and stature), I have consistently tried to remind them that they are all wonderfully made, beautiful inside and out. When do we forget that? I say, DON'T. Hold onto the fact that YOU were created in His image. Created just the way you are. Perhaps you've gained weight, gotten thinner, gotten older, changed your hair...whatever. He sees you. He loves you. He created you. He thinks you're beautiful.
I know guys probably feel some of these ways to, but in case you haven't noticed...I'm a GIRL. I can only speak from my side of the gender.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
The Honor System
Having 6 daughters, we have had all sorts of thoughts on dating. All sorts of thoughts on (ahem) sex and marriage and such. Our thoughts are simple: honor our daughters and don't ask them for sex if you're not married to them. We know that it is a big temptation, a wildfire waiting to happen. We consistently tell the girls that inside/outside marriage, the physical feeling is the same. However, the emotional isn't. We encourage them having a 'plan' and then having a 'plan' to escape their plan. We allow dating, but we are VERY involved. We don't really allow one on one, but that is a case by case basis. We LOVE the colt girls boyfriend....he lives in GERMANY!
The reality is that sex is all around us. The t.v. shows, the music even the ads we see in the mall. Our young are encouraged to do what makes them feel good. I know I did what I wanted to do. I had no honor system for myself. And that is the key. Not only do these young men that come into our lives need to honor our girls, but our girls need to honor THEMSELVES! We have told them they are valuable, they are worthy and they deserve the very best. And when they don't seem to believe it and make choices that are contrary, my heart breaks.
Listen up....just because you're raised in a Christian home, with Christian parents and go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that you are not prey to the temptation of the flesh. You tell yourself or your kids that lie and you are just walking off a cliff. We often tell young people to "wait...because the bible says so". Ok...AND??? There is so much more to it than just that! Yes, God did say to save sex for marriage. Yes, that is what we tell our girls. However, we do elaborate. A girls emotions are so valid and so wrapped up in the pitter pats and the butterflies. They get a boost out of someone wanting them....all of them. And once they get past that initial 'I really shouldn't', it's a whole lot easier to just keep going.
Friends tell them it's ok, perhaps a favorite aunt or a trusted adult says it's alright. Our schools teach safety over abstinence. Like a wildfire, things get out of control so quickly. You get consumed. And once a relationship ends, it's easier to allow the fire with the next person. And before you think it won't happen in your family or with your kiddo, remember that the enemy is the father of lies. Like in the garden, he convinces the young ones to wallow in the pit and eat with the pigs. Not a pleasant place to be.
My goal with this entry is not to discourage, but to encourage. Maybe you come from a background where talking about sex is shameful or come from a home where your mom (HI girls!) is very open and honest. Maybe you lived a wildfire life, maybe your were blessed to heed the words of the Lord and waited. Either way, your story is so important to your children. They need to know that what they're going through isn't new, that someone has survived it. They need to know that they deserve to be honored in the best way. They need to know that God loves them the most, and know that they are so precious and important.
Please don't misunderstand....I'm not saying you don't already do that. I have just seen so much sorrow in girls in my life, girls in this world, girls I don't know. I've seen boys torn up over taking someone's future wife, seen the knowledge that what happened goes with them into their future. I've seen life created when unintended, I've seen life ended when inconvenient. The honor system is so much more than just spoken words. It's actions that back up the words. Also, I think that any MAN worth his salt will honor what we hope for our girls. We sit down with each boy our daughters date and tell them exactly what we hope/wish/dream for our girl. After that, it is up to him/them. We pray, we teach, we validate. Reality is: they have to grasp it, hold it and own it. They have to honor it.
Nothing is unforgivable....God is in the business of grace. Don't think that just because you/they choose a pit for a bit that you are beyond His grace. The grand thing is that He will reach right into the pit of mud, past the pigs, and grab you/them up and hug you/them. Without you being clean first. That is just the way He works. He did it for me, He does it for me. He is for me, who could stand against??
More than that, He honors you. He honors them. He is for you.
The reality is that sex is all around us. The t.v. shows, the music even the ads we see in the mall. Our young are encouraged to do what makes them feel good. I know I did what I wanted to do. I had no honor system for myself. And that is the key. Not only do these young men that come into our lives need to honor our girls, but our girls need to honor THEMSELVES! We have told them they are valuable, they are worthy and they deserve the very best. And when they don't seem to believe it and make choices that are contrary, my heart breaks.
Listen up....just because you're raised in a Christian home, with Christian parents and go to church every Sunday doesn't mean that you are not prey to the temptation of the flesh. You tell yourself or your kids that lie and you are just walking off a cliff. We often tell young people to "wait...because the bible says so". Ok...AND??? There is so much more to it than just that! Yes, God did say to save sex for marriage. Yes, that is what we tell our girls. However, we do elaborate. A girls emotions are so valid and so wrapped up in the pitter pats and the butterflies. They get a boost out of someone wanting them....all of them. And once they get past that initial 'I really shouldn't', it's a whole lot easier to just keep going.
Friends tell them it's ok, perhaps a favorite aunt or a trusted adult says it's alright. Our schools teach safety over abstinence. Like a wildfire, things get out of control so quickly. You get consumed. And once a relationship ends, it's easier to allow the fire with the next person. And before you think it won't happen in your family or with your kiddo, remember that the enemy is the father of lies. Like in the garden, he convinces the young ones to wallow in the pit and eat with the pigs. Not a pleasant place to be.
My goal with this entry is not to discourage, but to encourage. Maybe you come from a background where talking about sex is shameful or come from a home where your mom (HI girls!) is very open and honest. Maybe you lived a wildfire life, maybe your were blessed to heed the words of the Lord and waited. Either way, your story is so important to your children. They need to know that what they're going through isn't new, that someone has survived it. They need to know that they deserve to be honored in the best way. They need to know that God loves them the most, and know that they are so precious and important.
Please don't misunderstand....I'm not saying you don't already do that. I have just seen so much sorrow in girls in my life, girls in this world, girls I don't know. I've seen boys torn up over taking someone's future wife, seen the knowledge that what happened goes with them into their future. I've seen life created when unintended, I've seen life ended when inconvenient. The honor system is so much more than just spoken words. It's actions that back up the words. Also, I think that any MAN worth his salt will honor what we hope for our girls. We sit down with each boy our daughters date and tell them exactly what we hope/wish/dream for our girl. After that, it is up to him/them. We pray, we teach, we validate. Reality is: they have to grasp it, hold it and own it. They have to honor it.
Nothing is unforgivable....God is in the business of grace. Don't think that just because you/they choose a pit for a bit that you are beyond His grace. The grand thing is that He will reach right into the pit of mud, past the pigs, and grab you/them up and hug you/them. Without you being clean first. That is just the way He works. He did it for me, He does it for me. He is for me, who could stand against??
More than that, He honors you. He honors them. He is for you.
Friday, May 3, 2013
The Earthquake
It starts out innocently enough: I ask one of the girls why they aren't wearing contacts/makeup/etc or why they haven't done their hair. They hear "You're not good enough." That leads to a rumble. In their response, they flip a little attitude, I get a little angry at that attitude. The rumble gets louder, the earth starts to shift. Before too much time has passed, it's a yelling match. She's pretty sure I'm saying she's not good enough, I'm really saying that her confidence level goes up by 75% when her hair and makeup is done. A full blown earthquake ensues. The world crashes down around me/us.
I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!
It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.
I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.
I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.
Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.
So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.
Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.
I don't know why this is such a sticking point for me. I don't always do my hair or makeup. I don't always greet the world with my best face on. I always figure it's because of limited resources. Can't afford a haircut, can barely afford to buy box color to cover my grays!
It's not that I don't think our girls are beautiful...I DO!...but in certain girls, it changes their whole attitude when they're all put together. We have one girl who is a definite jeans and ponytail girl. However, she carries confidence like it's a backpack. No one will stand in her way! We have one girl who is always put together. She won't leave the house without being put together. Then, there is the in between girl. She is beautiful, on the inside and outside. When she is all put together, she carries herself differently. She sparkles a bit more, has more of a 'take charge' attitude. She doesn't see it. Those around her do. It's almost like she's got the superhero alter ego thing going on.
I never know how to approach it. Never know what to say. Today there is a big presentation, I thought we'd do hair/makeup stuff. Well, as the earth crumbled under my feet, I learned that was the wrong idea. It ended up with her crying, me yelling and the other girls just trying to stay out of the rubble. Certainly this was a 'Worst Mom of the Year' moment. It feels like I have lots of those. Sigh. Perhaps I need to take a class about how to have tact.
I don't think it's so much much about the makeup. I think it's more about the sparkle and confidence. This particular girl doesn't like to think that it changes things in her. It does. I think it does in everyone. I think if anyone feels like they look good, there is a certain level of confidence and personal strength that goes with that. And I can tell when this kiddo isn't feeling it! I really just wanted her to feel it today. Now i just feel defeated....and I'm sure she does too. The earthquake overtook us.
Being a mom is hard. You learn from your mother what NOT to do, and often what to do. You gain knowledge as time goes on, you learn what works and what doesn't. Most times, you learn what not to say. Sometimes, you say things innocently and they are taken completely out of context. It's when those out of context moments happen that you're left in the rubble, the earthquake having moved over you, leaving you exhausted.
So...what to do? Apologize. To everyone. (cause the fall out was more than just the one girl) Pray. Constantly. Try not to kick myself to hard. My heart hurts when they're hurt, it hurts worse when I've contributed. The hardest thing about being a mom....knowing that you're capable of hurting (emotionally) the people who you love most. Unintentional? Yes....that doesn't make it better. I just want so much for them, it doesn't make sense when they appear to not want those things as well.
Today, I will pick myself up. Dust myself off. Set about repairing what I broke and know that this earthquake won't keep us from loving each other. I will pray that there are no 'wounds' that can't heal. I will learn from this and try to have more tact and be more sensitive to their hearts. (you would've thought I'd know that by now?!) Mostly...I will love them. Nothing can change that. Not even the earth coming apart.
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