So Much More

What if you weren't who you thought you were? What if one moment changed everything you ever knew about yourself? What if your whole self was an illusion, a figment of who you truly wanted to be?
We've all had them....defining moments that change our lives. We live under the possibilities of things going our way, life giving us what we want. But what happens when you get what you want and aren't sure what to do with it? What do you do when your reality isn't as wonderful as the dream? I see "perfect" people: perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect money and house. Why does their reality seem so much MORE than mine?
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea.....there is nothing wrong with any of the children, Matty and I are still firmly married and all the bills are paid. Even the dog is healthy. However, I had a thought today. About reality and how it is seldom what we think it will be. I realized I had had my time. I've found a spouse, had children and am pretty much a grown up. But for our girls, it's all just beginning. They will have regrets, sorrows, joy and "butterflies". They will flirt, have broken hearts, break hearts and survive. They will cry, laugh and perhaps grieve. And some of it will be done without me. I started thinking the other day about "Strawberry Milk" boy. Wondered how he was. I thought about the boy in high school whose heart I really broke....and wondered if he had been repaired. I started thinking about who I was at 14 and wondered if anyone remembered me like that. Had I made a lasting impression? Other than a hurtful one? Did I make a difference? Part of me wants to be remembered....I remember them and have no idea who they are as grown ups. Who can say that about me? What if there are things left to say, apologies to be given?

What if who I am isn't who I was supposed to be? My time was thrown away, frivolously discarded like I had an inordinate amount of it. That's what I don't want for the girls...I don't want them to waste their moments. I want each moment of their lives to be sweet, enjoyed and embraced. I want them to know that who they are becoming is who God intends them to be. I don't want them to be sorry for not doing something and I want them to be grateful for the things they get to do.
Every moment in my life has been defining. Some for the worse, most for the better. I have lived a life....definition to definition.....moment to moment. And I can see where those moments changed something. At 15 on the ferris wheel....at 16 getting married out of necessity.....at 19 getting married for stability.....at 27 deciding to end a marriage.....and finally being hopelessly in love for the first time and marrying my best friend. And now, at almost 39, watching the girls begin to grow, realizing there is so much more to this life thing.

Everything I have done, been through and have said has shaped me. I am who I am....maybe not who I was supposed to be, but I believe I am so much more.

Mommyism

There is an unwritten rule that as a mother you just accept your children. You must be patient, must me tender and must at all times be the sane one. Yesterday I broke those rules. I was not patient, not tender and most assuredly NOT sane. In short, I had a breakdown. Yesterday was an "It's hard to be a mommy" day.

I didn't want to be a mommy. I wanted to have my breakdown in peace. Wanted to cry, yell and stamp my feet. Wanted to vent without the girls getting sullen, without having to worry about their teenage feelings. Truthfully, I wanted to be the kid. For just a little bit, I wanted to be the one without responsibility. Didn't happen. Know why? Cause I'm the MOMMY! And mommies can't have breakdowns.

Well, why NOT? I say "Mommies Unite!" We should have one whole day where we get to be the "kid", get to stamp our feet and holler like crazy about how no one understands us. We should be able to ignore our cel phones. Stop wearing the weight of our worlds on our backs....in short be able to breathe. WITHOUT someone shouting the word "MOM" at the top of their lungs.

Every mommy has a point. You know the one. It sends you over the edge, causes you to question your reasoning for having children in the first place. You think to yourself "Good gracious....WHAT was I thinking?!" Some women are just beginning. And it's oh so sweet. It's a wonderful journey you've begun....talk to me in 5 or 6 years. The journey is still sweet....it's just a little different. And then comes the teen years. (cue horror scream) With girls, it's always a party....yelling here, slamming door there....insert eye roll every other word. Petulance becomes the norm and the words "You don't care!" are spoken often. Tears happen almost as if scripted and my sanity goes right out the window.

Please don't get me wrong. I love our children, LOVE each one! There are just some days that it's hard to be a mom. Hard to shove my own emotions down, hard to ignore my own door slamming instinct. And when it happens, the girls act like I've done something so horrible, so awful they will never recover. And to that I say WHATEVER!
There will probably never be a "mommy" day. (Mother's Day just masquerades as one) Won't be a day where all the moms can just breathe, commiserate and enjoy a "no kid zone". But i say, go with it. When it happens, close your eyes and breathe. And remember, someone you know has probably already been where you are. And they survived. I will too and so will you.

It's not all like that. It's one day and it's ok to admit if you feel this way....chances are someone else is just waiting for one of us to admit it.

The "Club"

There is a club amongst teen girls. It's the "Have a boyfriend/Don't have a boyfriend" club. I remember it well. And I belonged to the "have" side. It seems I didn't find myself complete unless I had a boyfriend. I even made a few up. Well, one. He was a real guy, just not really my boyfriend. I wanted to belong, wanted to feel like one of "those" girls. Pretty, I wanted to feel pretty. And loved, I wanted to be loved. And I just wanted to be...them.

And so, I was a "have". However, that didn't change my social status. It just gave me male company.

Guess what?! The club still exists! Only now it's more brutal. Now, I'm the mom....and I'm trying to convince these girls that they don't need completion. That they don't need approval and that they are so very LOVED. Yet, no matter how much I tell them these things, they seem to CRAVE the same things I did at that age. From the very beginning, I talked with them. Tried to bolster their confidence, build self esteem and show them physical love. Things I felt I had missed. Things I wanted.
That's not even the whole of it....I think it all goes back to the "club". They want peer acceptance, peer recognition. We have one daughter who will probably always have a boyfriend....until she gets married of course. She is content to flirt, giggle and coo and have the boys eating out of her hand. Then there's another girl who is convinced she will NEVER have anyone to love her. Convinced that high school is it, the be all end all. She has no concept that the world is right out the door, waiting with patience for her to begin her life. And then there is the tender hearted one. The one who is positive she's going to get married, but searching so hard for her husband NOW. Her heart is anxious, troubled and full of frustration. She sees the flirt "get" the good guy and she is in angst. She believes that all that will come her way are the "needy" boys. I remind her that God knows her heart, knows her list for what she wants her husband to be. She made a promise to not kiss anyone except her husband and I truly believe God is honoring that by not allowing her to meet the "good" guy. He is protecting and honoring her dreams.

I see girls flip into and out of relationships like they are shaking off water. (me) I see girls invest so much of themselves into a boy they lose who they are.(also me) I see girls who bank on a boy and settle with him because they just want. (again....me) Some of these girls are mine....by birth and by "adoption". I love these girls.....so very much. I wish all of them would have a 'Cinderella' moment. I wish that belonging to the "club" would really make a difference in their lives. But it won't. No matter how much he tells her he loves her, it isn't the truth. The truth is a boy doesn't know HOW to love a girl at this age....doesn't know how to cherish her and even protect her. There may be a few exceptions (I've met some) and i know every girl thinks she is the exception. The fact is, only God will love her they way she cries to be loved. Only God will accept her as she is and protect her her whole life. She is His bride....if only she would grasp it.

The "club" will always exist. It will always be a show of peer status, acceptance and worthiness. Girls will always judge a girl based on her "boyfriend-ness". They will deem her worthy or not. In the "club" they will laugh and make jokes about why she doesn't have one. It appears that our 3 teens are in varying stages of the "club". The flirt really doesn't care about having a boyfriend. If she does great, if not that's ok too. The almost grown up one wants one, but can't see past the right now....can't see any further than high school. And the tender girl....well, she REALLY wants to know her forever right now. She doesn't want to wait, doesn't want to be patient. She wants to belong to the "club" the most.
I have paid my dues, lived my life, searched for my forever and come out of the pit to tell about it. I belonged to that "Club" long enough to know that it really doesn't matter. I am worthy in God's eyes, beloved and nurtured. Who cares what others think?


I am a child,friend, mother, sister, friend and wife. More than that I am the bride of Christ and a beloved disciple. That's the "club" I belong to...
"Beloved, let us love one another for love is from God...." 1 john 4:7 (first half)