The Fire Within

Enough rainbows and flowers. I'm mad. Angry and frustrated. Today is a day that nothing I do is right. When I talk to the onesI love I have to justify. I have to tread carefully and explain and exhaust myself emotionally. It colors everything. After one conversation, my attitude is not so great for the next person. The anger intensifies, grows and flourishes. Thoughts run rampant through my head. Running away, spending money and screaming very loudly seem viable options.
WHEN will they get it? When will it be enough? When will I be enough?? When I have gone to every length to protect and love and nurture....WHY isn't it enough?? Why must I constantly defend my actions? Defend every nuance of myself? WHY?!
As I sit here, listening to 80's music on Pandora, my body is relaxing....my heart rate slowing and my mind returning to sanity. There is a fire that gets lit. Anger. It's fanned by emotion, driven by pain and spread by pride. I get mad at Matty and I don't want to talk to him EVER again. I stomp, huff loudly and basically do everything I can to get noticed. Then I get MORE mad when he doesn't acknowledge me. Any of this sound familiar to anyone??
When one of my kiddos begins to tell me all the ways I have failed....or tells me how I didn't do something that I KNOW I did I get SO frustrated. That anger is fueled by hurt. How could they not remember? I did the best I could. I DO the best I can. I juggle alot of people....I'm trying my hardest to make sure no one gets lost. But in the process....I think I'm in the maze. Stuck behind a corner, struggling to catch up.
I remember so well going to volleyball games. Track meets, school conferences. Fun runs and carnivals. I remember hospital trips, doctor appointments and celebrating "womanhood". I remember broken hearts, suprise parties and loss of friendships. I remember my wedding day and when we renewed our vows. I remember the loss of one child and the successful birth of six others. I remember 6 daughters all born perfectly. Late night feedings....all day feedings in Savannah's case. I remember kittens, goldfish and dogs. I remember good grades, bad ones and all in between. Drama club, school plays and basketball games. Cheerleaders and earth patrol. I hold tight to the tears that have been shed, bottled the laughter and treasure each memory as it happens. It amazes me how I could love 6 girls so very differently yet so much the same. It amazes me how I love Matty....the way I feel he was created just for me. The other half of me. It amazes me that in this life I have been so blessed. I know I haven't been forgotten, know that deep down the girl who thinks I don't try enough KNOWS I'm doing the best I can. It hurts to restructure a puzzle...or a maze. I realize she has growing pains, is learning how to be a woman. Learning how she still fits and where her space is. I wish she would hear me. She fits in the space that is only hers. There is no fighting, no one pushing her out. It's just different. And it's right. It's what is supposed to happen. Growth, change and flourishing.
As I sit here finishing up my tirade, I am no longer angry. No longer hurting. I am reminded of how I am beloved. I want my fire within to be joy.....given by God, fanned by the Holy Spirit and driven by the Savior. I know that someday these daughters will get it. Someday they may be mothers themselves....and I know they'll get it.


I have neither run away nor spent money. I have, however, screamed very loudly.

Havoc

Last week, during my fantastic vacation with two of our girls, I was confronted by the reality of how rocks keep tumbling. And I began to wonder how someone could hold on to so much anger and resentment. How someone could claim to love someone else but be so bitter about his past. Yes, this is about one of my ex husbands. I will not bash....on this you have my word.
I have decided that Facebook is either a great tool or a tool of havoc. While I was gone, havoc was wreaked upon one of my girls who was home. Some words were said about me and Matty....unflattering things. Things that caused great sorrow in our girl. Things that caused our girl to sob. It breaks my heart that my actions so long ago have caused rocks to tumble. Yet....shall I really claim responsibility for his words? His actions? Perhaps it was my sin that began the avalanche, but when I repented and asked for forgiveness (from God and from him) was I not released? How long will the anger last, the bitterness cause a rift? He blames me for the shift in his relationship with the girls....however, that is not on me. A person makes their own decisions, chooses how to live their life. Sometimes pretends to move on, still holding on to anger, hurt and sorrow. I see their heartache, these daughters. The sorrow they feel, the frustration with broken promises and words that cause wounds. His anger to me has blinded his reality. And yet...how often do I do that? Allow something said to fester and become deep seeded? How about you? How often do you ignore someone because of a hurt or a slight? Every situation isn't like mine was 11 years ago, but I'm willing to bet we can all think of a situation where we're holding on to the madness of it all. And it's junk...stuff that causes us to lose focus....to disorient us and make us crazy. And sometimes, we hurt the innocents. For our own "gain" we hurt people we love. I believe he loves his daughters....I just think he hates me more. And for that I am sorry.
She's ok, our girl. We prayed and they called him out on it. The words still sit on his facebook page, with comments I will never repeat. Didn't hurt me, just made me really angry that these girls saw all of it. As a result, 2 of the girls defriended him. Every action has a consequence.....I took credit for this stuff for a long time as a consequence of my actions. Not anymore...I am free. Daughter of the most High King. Beloved.
I want to live better than that. Be more and love well. I will serve Him, love my husband and train up these girls. What someone else chooses to do is their business.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!