My story is different from your story. It's full of twists and turns, sorrow and joy. That is probably where the similarities to your story end. There are numerous variables in our lives. Perhaps you like to sew.....I only sew Girl Scout patches and buttons. Perhaps you scrapbook or stamp. You couldn't get me near that stuff. Not even for money, honey! Eeeeesh!
I have 6 daughters....you probably don't. And that's ok. It's the variables that endear us to eachother. I like that.
I see people I assume have a perfect life. I assume that when they go home, their children are perfectly behaved and their husband is loving and they are perfectly coiffed and dressed. Their dog probably doesn't throw up on their bed in the middle of the night. (Murphy sleeps in his kennel every night now)I assume that the money situation is better than mine and that they do devotions every night. I actually assume that of everyone I meet. Isn't that crazy?
Imagine my joy when I find out that the children I assume are perfect are far from it. When I see someone not all put together and I realize they just argued with their spouse. I don't find joy in their sorrow, but rather in the fact that I realize my family and me (Matt may disagree) are NORMAL. That sometimes kiddos fight and husbands get cranky and I don't have to agree with him all the time. That sometimes as kids grow up they make mistakes. Not my fault....I like knowing that. We are all so different. Yet, I think sometimes that I have more in commom with others than I realize. Perhaps someone even wants to be just like ME. Wouldn't that be a kicker?? I spend my time trying to figure out how to be like "her"....I forget that God created me to be ME. In the past few years I have embraced myself better. Highlighted my hair pink, debated on a tatoo (not yet) and just enjoyed things more.
The truth is, as perfect I think everyone else is, my heart knows it's a lie. Just because something looks "just so" doesn't mean it is. I don't know anyone else's inside life. Don't know the sorrows or joys they experience on a daily basis, don't know the heartache they feel or the laughter that flows. Just like they don't know mine. I write this blog to show people that things don't always work. I hope as people read they feel a sense of normal. That they realize that normal is closer than they think.....and find a sense of belonging in there somewhere.
The only real variable i have is God....He changes everything, makes it all better. And I love knowing He loves it when I laugh.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
"Past meet Present"
Remember those twisty roads of my life I've chatted about? Well, some of them have intersected. And it's the scary road, the super curvy down a steep hill road.
I have always known that Hillary is curious about her paternal family. As many of you know, Matty adopted Hillary when she was 13. She legally and emotionally and birth certificate bindingly became a Leasure at that time. However, she does know that biologically Matty isn't her dad. (He was only 13 when she was born) So curiosity reigns and fantasy rules. Recently, she has gotten in touch with her Aunt. From the "other" side.
A quick history lesson: married the said Aunt's brother when I was 17. He was 23. Him: discharged from military. Me: young with new baby moving with new husband to the backwoods of Arkansas. Begin tragic tale of abuse and sorrow. We fled in February of 1992. Moved to current location in May of '92. 3 months later: he was arrested and charged with murder of his girlfriends child. Pled no contest, served 1/3 of his sentence. No contact from that side for 19 years.
Ok, all caught up? So now, my past has met my present. I knew it would happen, knew it was only a matter of time. Facebook is an interesting portal....and sometimes I curse it! I'm not sure what to do at this intersection. Granted the child is almost 21 (whew!) And I did my best to keep her safe and unaware until I (we) felt she was old enough. But now....sigh. I feel like I have to let go. Have to let her flesh this out, ask her questions and have healing in her heart. What I WANT to do is grab her and run. Grab her and protect her from what I deem is a threat. I want to cover her in kisses and soothe her heart. But I can't do that this time....she's a grown up. We've raised her well, taught her to love the Lord. She's claimed Him as her own. I've always known she wanted to know. Wanted to find the missing pieces in her puzzle. Or at lease what she feels are missing pieces.
The thing is, I never really protected her anyway. It was all God, all the time. He has watched over her since He created her. Silly me, thinking we were her only caregivers....silly human self.
We did our best, told her the truth. I never painted that side of her biology as monsters, never spoke badly. I knew the questions built, the curiosity got stronger. I knew this day was coming. Granted the aunt isn't the "donor" but they are in close proximity.
And so what do I do now? I'm scared. But have no reason to be. Not only is God protecting me, He gave me an awesome and fearless protector on earth. (Yes, Matty, it's you)And even though her dad can't be there to physically protect her, God will. He will guide her and caution her and provide a way for her to see truth. I need to trust that. And I need to let her go....and maybe raise my hands for the ride down the mountain.
ps- I msg'd the aunt....just to let her know we have Hillary's back.
I have always known that Hillary is curious about her paternal family. As many of you know, Matty adopted Hillary when she was 13. She legally and emotionally and birth certificate bindingly became a Leasure at that time. However, she does know that biologically Matty isn't her dad. (He was only 13 when she was born) So curiosity reigns and fantasy rules. Recently, she has gotten in touch with her Aunt. From the "other" side.
A quick history lesson: married the said Aunt's brother when I was 17. He was 23. Him: discharged from military. Me: young with new baby moving with new husband to the backwoods of Arkansas. Begin tragic tale of abuse and sorrow. We fled in February of 1992. Moved to current location in May of '92. 3 months later: he was arrested and charged with murder of his girlfriends child. Pled no contest, served 1/3 of his sentence. No contact from that side for 19 years.
Ok, all caught up? So now, my past has met my present. I knew it would happen, knew it was only a matter of time. Facebook is an interesting portal....and sometimes I curse it! I'm not sure what to do at this intersection. Granted the child is almost 21 (whew!) And I did my best to keep her safe and unaware until I (we) felt she was old enough. But now....sigh. I feel like I have to let go. Have to let her flesh this out, ask her questions and have healing in her heart. What I WANT to do is grab her and run. Grab her and protect her from what I deem is a threat. I want to cover her in kisses and soothe her heart. But I can't do that this time....she's a grown up. We've raised her well, taught her to love the Lord. She's claimed Him as her own. I've always known she wanted to know. Wanted to find the missing pieces in her puzzle. Or at lease what she feels are missing pieces.
The thing is, I never really protected her anyway. It was all God, all the time. He has watched over her since He created her. Silly me, thinking we were her only caregivers....silly human self.
We did our best, told her the truth. I never painted that side of her biology as monsters, never spoke badly. I knew the questions built, the curiosity got stronger. I knew this day was coming. Granted the aunt isn't the "donor" but they are in close proximity.
And so what do I do now? I'm scared. But have no reason to be. Not only is God protecting me, He gave me an awesome and fearless protector on earth. (Yes, Matty, it's you)And even though her dad can't be there to physically protect her, God will. He will guide her and caution her and provide a way for her to see truth. I need to trust that. And I need to let her go....and maybe raise my hands for the ride down the mountain.
ps- I msg'd the aunt....just to let her know we have Hillary's back.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A cup of this and a cup of that....
I was driving home this afternoon thinking about love. How it's "measured". How it's given and taken. How I give and take it. I started thinking about how my view of love has changed. Started thinking how naive I was and how the reality of the world has sunk into my brain. It's not always pretty and never easy.
Love that needs no introduction begins at birth. I'm not talking about the baby. They don't love you.....they need you. They have no concept of love. I'm talking about the mommy side of things. After carrying the little person around for 9 months under my heart, I just love them. Their every breath is fantastic, every sigh note worthy. Even when they cry....nothing can change the love. I so LOVE these daughters....amazingly I just realized within the last year that's how my mom loves me! Ponder that a moment, folks. Your mom loves you.....
Moving forward in time we reach young teenage love. Sigh. Everything roses and twitterpation and flutterbys. Can you hear the swell of musack? UGH. Not reality! Teenagers have filters for everything from conversations to sex. I have to remember when chatting with our girls it's "teen filtered" and truth may not be what it seems. They think (I did) that it's FOREVER! And that they've met the ONE. And he will love them ALWAYS. Or maybe that they will love him always. They measure in notes, and whispers and hand holding. They measure in how many times he says "I love you". And when the Holy Spirit says "Nope, not him" and they decide to obey after almost 4 months, they are the ones who break the heart. The good thing is, her heart is broken too. Sometimes, it's not always what we want to do, but what we NEED to do. And that can hurt just as much. As a teen, we put people on pedestals, make them our reason for living and breathing. That's a precarious position. Those pedestals are stone and can be broken. And if you're on it's harder to get off. Teens give away their "I love you"s easily. We caution against it....doesn't mean they listen.
As an adult, most people have had their heart broken at least once. By a parent, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend. Sometimes it's not about WHO the relationship is with. We become cautious, loving only when we feel worthy. Yet still, we hold something back. A little piece of ourselves, thinking we can recover if someone hurts us as long as we don't give it all. As for me, I measure. I measure Matt's love in silly ways. Like(don't laugh): wether he lets me take his nice new android phone with me to California so I can map the wait time for lines at Disneyland. He won't. STRIKE ONE! Like: Well, actually that's pretty much it right now. Good thing, because I don't know what I would do if he made it to STRIKE THREE! hahahhahaha, just kidding. I luf him. But, I still have been measuring....putting up an ideal and expectation. Do the kids do that with me? Measure how much time I do or don't spend with them and equate that to how much I love them??? I hope not! One girl asked me if love gets easier. I answered her honestly. I said NO. It doesn't. When you're young and dating, it's easy to walk away. When you've gotten married....well, you can't walk away without wounds. It's not easy to say goodbye to someone you've dated for a while, but it's devestating to leave someone you've been married to or be left by them. The sorrow from loving the wrong person can follow you. The joy of loving the right person....well that's just a gift from God. But how do you know, you may ask. Well, don't get ahead of God. He'll let you barrel right down the road into the life He didn't want for you. Pray....be willing to listen....be willing to wait. We can't measure by flutterbys, or feelings. At this stage, love is a decision. I want the girls to experience life, to be loved and to love. I want them to know joy and I want them to not measure. Sometimes, a pinch of this and a pinch of that is what's needed.....and sometimes it's ok to step outside the box and create a new ideal.
As always, the ultimate love is God. They are His brides....I pray they will honor Him.
Love that needs no introduction begins at birth. I'm not talking about the baby. They don't love you.....they need you. They have no concept of love. I'm talking about the mommy side of things. After carrying the little person around for 9 months under my heart, I just love them. Their every breath is fantastic, every sigh note worthy. Even when they cry....nothing can change the love. I so LOVE these daughters....amazingly I just realized within the last year that's how my mom loves me! Ponder that a moment, folks. Your mom loves you.....
Moving forward in time we reach young teenage love. Sigh. Everything roses and twitterpation and flutterbys. Can you hear the swell of musack? UGH. Not reality! Teenagers have filters for everything from conversations to sex. I have to remember when chatting with our girls it's "teen filtered" and truth may not be what it seems. They think (I did) that it's FOREVER! And that they've met the ONE. And he will love them ALWAYS. Or maybe that they will love him always. They measure in notes, and whispers and hand holding. They measure in how many times he says "I love you". And when the Holy Spirit says "Nope, not him" and they decide to obey after almost 4 months, they are the ones who break the heart. The good thing is, her heart is broken too. Sometimes, it's not always what we want to do, but what we NEED to do. And that can hurt just as much. As a teen, we put people on pedestals, make them our reason for living and breathing. That's a precarious position. Those pedestals are stone and can be broken. And if you're on it's harder to get off. Teens give away their "I love you"s easily. We caution against it....doesn't mean they listen.
As an adult, most people have had their heart broken at least once. By a parent, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend. Sometimes it's not about WHO the relationship is with. We become cautious, loving only when we feel worthy. Yet still, we hold something back. A little piece of ourselves, thinking we can recover if someone hurts us as long as we don't give it all. As for me, I measure. I measure Matt's love in silly ways. Like(don't laugh): wether he lets me take his nice new android phone with me to California so I can map the wait time for lines at Disneyland. He won't. STRIKE ONE! Like: Well, actually that's pretty much it right now. Good thing, because I don't know what I would do if he made it to STRIKE THREE! hahahhahaha, just kidding. I luf him. But, I still have been measuring....putting up an ideal and expectation. Do the kids do that with me? Measure how much time I do or don't spend with them and equate that to how much I love them??? I hope not! One girl asked me if love gets easier. I answered her honestly. I said NO. It doesn't. When you're young and dating, it's easy to walk away. When you've gotten married....well, you can't walk away without wounds. It's not easy to say goodbye to someone you've dated for a while, but it's devestating to leave someone you've been married to or be left by them. The sorrow from loving the wrong person can follow you. The joy of loving the right person....well that's just a gift from God. But how do you know, you may ask. Well, don't get ahead of God. He'll let you barrel right down the road into the life He didn't want for you. Pray....be willing to listen....be willing to wait. We can't measure by flutterbys, or feelings. At this stage, love is a decision. I want the girls to experience life, to be loved and to love. I want them to know joy and I want them to not measure. Sometimes, a pinch of this and a pinch of that is what's needed.....and sometimes it's ok to step outside the box and create a new ideal.
As always, the ultimate love is God. They are His brides....I pray they will honor Him.
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