It was a fantastic Christmas. Full of laughter, tears, yelling and.....huh? Yes, I said yelling. No explanation, it's just what it was.
Our daughter flew herself home. It was an amazing Christmas gift to open the front door and see her there! And all I could say was "Your presents are in Missouri." Yes, world, that's what I said. I know, it was a moment of complete brilliance. I'm sure you are shaking your head in awe of my brilliance.
And now it's Forward into the New Year. And it's time to say goodbye to our 20 year old. Again. And this time it's different. When she left in August, it was a desperate move. A move to provide safety and haven. A move to heal. My heart broke. Over the past months, I've heard growth in her voice, in her attitude and her words. Even with some "blips" on the screen this past week, I've seen the growth. We pulled out some boxes that were packed up in 2009 and went through them. Memories abounded. Drawings, poetry....it was all there. We separated things into piles: keep, take and donate and a box for trash. Before I knew it, the donate pile had grown. And right on top were her "kitty" ears. They are a cat ear headband, camo in color with sparkly sequiny (official word, by the way) things on the inside of the ear part. She wore those for a year. Non-stop. In high school. Maybe they were her "safety". I don't know. But when I saw them, on top of the donate pile, I began to cry. She really had done some growing.....and I have missed it. I feel like I missed alot. Or maybe was just distracted. Was I the best mom? No. But I was the best I knew how to be. And with every girl, things change and I get just a little bit better at my "job". But with her, I don't get the luxury of another chance. I don't get to learn how to do it better. I learn along with her growth.....and her change. She is settled, growing and learning. Without me. And my heart aches a little. Ok, a lot. Yet, isn't this the way it's supposed to be? No one told me when I was pregnant that the hardest part would be letting them grow up....becoming adults. There is no manual, no handbook and no rule of thumb. (yes, I know the Bible is THE handbook, I'm talking about something different) There is no one who tells you how to stop the ache in a mommy's heart. I guess I have to grow too. Stop worrying about what I think I didn't do and start praying about what I can do now. I covered her in prayer before she was born, covered her during her youth and continue to do so in her adulthood. I think I just need someone to pray for me....to cover me all up as I learn how to be her mom now and let go.
It's been easy to just rearrange the puzzle and keep moving. Yet, it's really hard to have this puzzle piece fly away, into her new life so far away. I'm not sure how to do this, the letting go. It's different every time. This is the first time it's been cemented, the daughter being settled, her heart truly happy. Her home somewhere else. Maybe that's what makes this time the most different. She's not running away, she's going home. And I ache, just a little.
Side note: I kept the kitty ears.....
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, world. It's been a wild year. Kind of like Mr.Toads Wild Ride, except I'm not going to Hell. (a very real place by the way)
In this year I have:
Relived some of my past
Dealt with heartbreak in different forms
Had 1 girl join the double digit club and another hit the over 16 mark
Had another girl move away
Went to Disneyland! (woo hoo)
Hit the decade mark in my marriage!
These things can't even begin to truly describe my year....there has been unlimited drama, broken dreams and shattered hearts. Untold stories of tantrums and in detail stories of what drives me CRAZY. My own heart has weatherd storms of tears, anger and even some hatred. I have bandaged wounds, real and figuritive. I have cried in Matt's arms and laughed in them too. I have been blessed to see the daughters grow spiritually and been frustrated to see them stop themselves mid-growth. I have hit my knees in prayer and lifted my hands in worship. I have danced for my Father and encountered Him when I least expected it.
This year has been filled with laughter, joy and love. We have banded together in sorrow and in happiness. We have survived the "restructure" of our puzzle and are stronger for it. We have prayed together, memorized scripture and been seen by God.
We have had numerous teenagers wreak havoc upon our home and lived to tell the tale. We have survived Murphy....I think! We are blessed!
They (my family) have survived countless "mom" rearrangeings. The couch moved about 4 times this year, and those of you that have seen my house know that is no small feat.(it's a small house) My husbands least favorite words are "Let's paint" and I said it......a couple times. And he did it. He did all my (our) cupboards and the kitchen table, and the kitchen. All different colors! Boy, I love him! He even, bless him, survived the night I moved ALL the electronic stuff off the entertainment center and put it on a dresser.(took up less space) In my defense, all the wires were there and in their spots. I think. OOOO, was he cranky...... :D
There is so much more.....bringing Murphy home, Kaily in physical therapy, Kaily getting her first boyfriend and her first kiss. Emily's 2 year relationship ending, Chellsei having boys "flow" through her life until the flow stopped and "he" was waiting. Savannah being Mrs.Claus....and wanting to! Harley's musical gift showing itself. Matt's promotion and raise, my ALONE time. Our Disneyland trip and the joy of 5 whole days with NO children. Hillary moving to Missouri....and saying it was a good move.....watching marriages crumble, holding on to ours. Finding a church family....insisting that the cup you drink out of is important.....seeing children lick leopards (playland) and just loving life....It's been a fun, twisty, out of the box ride. I know next year will be even better...but for now, I'm just thankful for this one.
Merry Christmas world. Remember the baby that was born to die.....and the grace that came with.
In this year I have:
Relived some of my past
Dealt with heartbreak in different forms
Had 1 girl join the double digit club and another hit the over 16 mark
Had another girl move away
Went to Disneyland! (woo hoo)
Hit the decade mark in my marriage!
These things can't even begin to truly describe my year....there has been unlimited drama, broken dreams and shattered hearts. Untold stories of tantrums and in detail stories of what drives me CRAZY. My own heart has weatherd storms of tears, anger and even some hatred. I have bandaged wounds, real and figuritive. I have cried in Matt's arms and laughed in them too. I have been blessed to see the daughters grow spiritually and been frustrated to see them stop themselves mid-growth. I have hit my knees in prayer and lifted my hands in worship. I have danced for my Father and encountered Him when I least expected it.
This year has been filled with laughter, joy and love. We have banded together in sorrow and in happiness. We have survived the "restructure" of our puzzle and are stronger for it. We have prayed together, memorized scripture and been seen by God.
We have had numerous teenagers wreak havoc upon our home and lived to tell the tale. We have survived Murphy....I think! We are blessed!
They (my family) have survived countless "mom" rearrangeings. The couch moved about 4 times this year, and those of you that have seen my house know that is no small feat.(it's a small house) My husbands least favorite words are "Let's paint" and I said it......a couple times. And he did it. He did all my (our) cupboards and the kitchen table, and the kitchen. All different colors! Boy, I love him! He even, bless him, survived the night I moved ALL the electronic stuff off the entertainment center and put it on a dresser.(took up less space) In my defense, all the wires were there and in their spots. I think. OOOO, was he cranky...... :D
There is so much more.....bringing Murphy home, Kaily in physical therapy, Kaily getting her first boyfriend and her first kiss. Emily's 2 year relationship ending, Chellsei having boys "flow" through her life until the flow stopped and "he" was waiting. Savannah being Mrs.Claus....and wanting to! Harley's musical gift showing itself. Matt's promotion and raise, my ALONE time. Our Disneyland trip and the joy of 5 whole days with NO children. Hillary moving to Missouri....and saying it was a good move.....watching marriages crumble, holding on to ours. Finding a church family....insisting that the cup you drink out of is important.....seeing children lick leopards (playland) and just loving life....It's been a fun, twisty, out of the box ride. I know next year will be even better...but for now, I'm just thankful for this one.
Merry Christmas world. Remember the baby that was born to die.....and the grace that came with.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The "What Ifs"
Heavy words: What If? Looking over my life, I see numerous "what if" forks in the twisted roads I've travelled. And each road has it's own sorrows and also it's own temptations. Like: the boy I didn't marry, the man I DID marry, the time I went to visit my grandparents and the time I shouldn't have. Sure, I'm settled and my life flows pretty well. I see God's blessing every where I look and just last night I thanked Him for allowing me the priveledge to be mother to 6 of His children. BUT...What If?
What If: I had gotten back together with Strawberry Milk Boy? We had planned on having children. If we'd had a girl, her name was going to be Brittney Elisha. I would've lived in the town I'd grown up in, he never would've joined the military and maybe we still would be married. Sounds ok, huh? EXCEPT! There would be no Hillary. And would I miss her? No, cause I wouldn't know she was supposed to exist. But that's not how it went....so I do know. It went like this: I refused to get back together with him. Moved with my parents. Went to visit grandparents in Cali. Met Navy man and the rest is Hillary history.
What If: I hadn't married Navy man? Well, I would still have Hillary.....that's a bonus. I wouldn't have been abused for 2 years, wouldn't have had to flee for my life and lived in fear for years. I also wouldn't have grown, wouldn't have known I was capable of surviving and living. Also, I wouldn't be able to "see" abused women. It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty, but God blessed me through it and now He uses me to reach others sometimes.
What If: I hadn't married the Nice guy? Welllllll, I wouldn't have my "Stairsteps". And boy do I love them! I wouldn't have hurt his heart, wouldn't have "been" David. Wouldn't have been a part in his broken relationship with the 3 girls. Or have been the cause. Or have been convinced of God's total grace, because if He can love me through that and bless me afterwards He is gracious indeed. My sorrow is heavy on this road, but I am free.
What If: I hadn't worn the scarlet letter? Would Matt be a christian? I know that the girl I call grace and the one I call the bonus wouldn't be here. This road is one I don't look down. Ever. Because it's not worth it. I beat myself up, causing bruises and wounds to myself. I remind God of my sin and He says "What are you talking about, child?" When I even glimpse down this road, the enemy reminds me of where I have been and tries to throw me back into the pit. I don't let him anymore, but I have to work at it. It's easy to get caught up in the "What Ifs" of life. Sometimes, the "What Ifs" find you....Strawberry Milk Boy called a couple of years ago. And, oh, the "what ifs" flooded my mind. But not anymore....threw away his number, told my husband and checked myself out of any appearance of evil! The enemy is very real, very strong and is looking for our weaknessess. And the "What Ifs" are a weakness for anyone, everyone. What Ifs are not always so heavy. Sometimes, it's about having dessert, or a new paint color. But alot of the time, it's about the roads in our twisted lives.....just remember where you're at, that's where God is. And every road you've travelled has been one He's watched over you on.
What If: I'd had BOYS.....UGH!
What If: I had gotten back together with Strawberry Milk Boy? We had planned on having children. If we'd had a girl, her name was going to be Brittney Elisha. I would've lived in the town I'd grown up in, he never would've joined the military and maybe we still would be married. Sounds ok, huh? EXCEPT! There would be no Hillary. And would I miss her? No, cause I wouldn't know she was supposed to exist. But that's not how it went....so I do know. It went like this: I refused to get back together with him. Moved with my parents. Went to visit grandparents in Cali. Met Navy man and the rest is Hillary history.
What If: I hadn't married Navy man? Well, I would still have Hillary.....that's a bonus. I wouldn't have been abused for 2 years, wouldn't have had to flee for my life and lived in fear for years. I also wouldn't have grown, wouldn't have known I was capable of surviving and living. Also, I wouldn't be able to "see" abused women. It wasn't fun and it wasn't pretty, but God blessed me through it and now He uses me to reach others sometimes.
What If: I hadn't married the Nice guy? Welllllll, I wouldn't have my "Stairsteps". And boy do I love them! I wouldn't have hurt his heart, wouldn't have "been" David. Wouldn't have been a part in his broken relationship with the 3 girls. Or have been the cause. Or have been convinced of God's total grace, because if He can love me through that and bless me afterwards He is gracious indeed. My sorrow is heavy on this road, but I am free.
What If: I hadn't worn the scarlet letter? Would Matt be a christian? I know that the girl I call grace and the one I call the bonus wouldn't be here. This road is one I don't look down. Ever. Because it's not worth it. I beat myself up, causing bruises and wounds to myself. I remind God of my sin and He says "What are you talking about, child?" When I even glimpse down this road, the enemy reminds me of where I have been and tries to throw me back into the pit. I don't let him anymore, but I have to work at it. It's easy to get caught up in the "What Ifs" of life. Sometimes, the "What Ifs" find you....Strawberry Milk Boy called a couple of years ago. And, oh, the "what ifs" flooded my mind. But not anymore....threw away his number, told my husband and checked myself out of any appearance of evil! The enemy is very real, very strong and is looking for our weaknessess. And the "What Ifs" are a weakness for anyone, everyone. What Ifs are not always so heavy. Sometimes, it's about having dessert, or a new paint color. But alot of the time, it's about the roads in our twisted lives.....just remember where you're at, that's where God is. And every road you've travelled has been one He's watched over you on.
What If: I'd had BOYS.....UGH!
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