It's been a bit. And life has changed.
Over the past couple years, I've learned that you can grieve living children, that it's okay to not be okay and that life is going to move on, no matter what.
It's been almost 2 years since we've seen precious family. Slowly, without explanation or conversation, they just stopped being a part of us. All of us. (Dad, mom and sisters) I'm sure the boys are growing but, for me, time has stopped. In my mind, they look like they did the last time I saw them. And I'm left praying for reconciliation, knowing that God's timing is always perfect. Knowing that He sees them and I don't have to know the why of it. But it's hard, this not knowing. For a long time, I blamed myself. I examined everything I ever did as a mother. I always came up lacking in my head. God has been so good to clear that up for me. It's not about me. I still cry sometimes....and that's okay.
The losses seemed to be heavy in 2022. We left our church, friendships changed, and sorrow was a continually felt emotion. We had to figure out what we looked like now, who were we without some of the we. We had to figure out what church looked like for us and what God wanted us to do with Him. We mourned relationships, sought healing with good friends and found joy in small things. We reveled in intimate moments, joyful laughter and stronger friendships. God has been so very gracious to us and we are thankful.
2023 was a slow one, taking our time and allowing God's presence to wash over us. We recognized that our time is precious and we were a bit more selfish with it. The ache in my heart softened to a gentleness I didn't think could happen. I still missed them; I just knew that God was constantly working and moving. He sees the things I don't need to. We stepped back into a church building, followed where He said to be and allowed Him to guide and lead. We grieved the loss of our sweet Whisper girl.
The sorrow doesn't wash over me the same anymore. I'm a bit more emotional as we get closer to her birthday; I just let myself feel it and pray for her and them. We moved Harley to Florida to work at the mouse house and we just got a puppy. She's an Aussie/Retriever named Mabel. We're still figuring out where God may want us to be as far as church goes. The days feel more normal, the moments not colored by things I can't change or control.
2022 was a hard season. 2023 was a season of trying to understand and letting God bring healing. 2024 is a year of joy, knowing His goodness and mercy follow me all the days of my life. God is good all the time....even in the things I don't get to understand.
I'm resting in Him today, leaning into His promises. Settling into His arms.
"For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
And from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark."
Psalm 91:3-4
