The summer is finally over. And I am so very glad. It was a heck of a summer.
Matt went down about June. As he sat at our dining table or leaned on our counter, I found myself alone. I did things with the girls, alone. I cleaned house, picked up his "chores"...alone. I slept alone. As his pain increased and his movement decreased, my heart hardened. I got angry. Not at him, at the situation and all the ways I couldn't make it better. We had visitors from far away lands and,still, I was alone.
I prayed. I believed and expected a miracle. I cried. I yelled and whispered. I took care of everyone. And it seemed like no one took care of me. Matt got worse, I got more "wall" like. I couldn't talk about any of it...I had to be strong for those around me. Me time was a thing of the past. It was hard to see my strong husband so weak. And it was hard for him to be weak. It was hard for him to see me so alone, to stay home as we went out and about and did things he couldn't be a part of. He was alone.
Then Matt had his first surgery. He rebounded well. Life began to look normal. And then....it didn't. He went down again. And this time, I did get mad at him. I knew it wasn't his fault; I was just angry. My birthday came and went; the trip we planned was taken without him. People told me to remember the miracle God had already worked...I did remember. That didn't make this setback easier!
Matt had his second surgery and I am happy to report, as we head into fall, that he is much better. I look him over every day, almost expecting the "other shoe" to drop. I think this time, it's different. I am praying consistently for whole healing.
I recently had the honor of leading an online bible study small group and I tell you....it was much needed! Every word I read was as if it were written for me. And guess what! The next study I get the honor of leading is about anxiety. It always amazes me how God taps into my heart.
I know (and knew) that God has Matt. I know His hand touched Him and healed him. I know He continues to bring him healing....I know He has a plan for Matt that is beyond what we can see. I am so very thankful that his job is waiting for him and thankful that God has placed people in our lives that helped with heavy lifting while Matt was/is healing. I am thankful that I had friends I could say things to and have them bounce them back at me. I'm very thankful for steady surgeon hands. I am thankful for sweet texts from a sweet, encouraging friend. They came regularly and always when I needed them most.
Things are returning to normal. They're slowly heading back into "usual". Chellsei's baby is due in November, right around the corner. Kaily is visiting for a bit. Our sweet Reyasunshine is having a birthday next week. And come December, we are visiting the Mouse House.
It seems like this year has lasted a lifetime. Looking back over the summer, I can see where God answered prayer. Where His hand touched us and took care. I can see where He held back and see where He bottled my tears.
Looking back, I was never really alone.
The birthday trip: time with my dad I would never have had.
Visitors from afar: realizing how we truly have become family.
Picking up his chores: appreciating how much he really does for us
His second surgery: answered prayer. I had asked God that if he was going to have another surgery, that it would be known and done quickly. It was.
God, in His infinite wisdom, has grown me. He has given moments to cry over. Moments to laugh over and moments to learn from. He has blessed me with memories specific to this year, things that will stick and things we can hold onto. I am more for it.
It was difficult being a single parent, the "banker", the heavy and trying to make sure Matt was ok. It was a long, hard summer. But summer is over.
Welcome, Fall. Let's be friends.
