The wind is blowing. It's blowing right through my life, shaking things up. Seems like money gets better, then suddenly it's gone. Seems like the kids do well, then suddenly there's a crisis. The winds of change aren't always welcome in my house. I tend to batten down the hatches, gather my chicks and pray that nothing changes at all. I want it all to stay the way it is now. Even with no money and with the girl troubles.
Guess What??! Change happens without my permission. Emily will head back to college, Chellsei will go to college for her freshmen year (ACK!...someone hug me!)and Savannah will be an official middle schooler. 13 is right around the corner for her. Harley hits tween age and Hillary continues to mother Reya and Reya continues to grow. Kaily, (sigh) will study for her SAT's and apply to college for the 14/15 school year. Medical school, folks. Our girl wants to be a surgeon.
Often, when the winds blow, we get scared. We like our rabbit hole. We like our comfort zones and our safety nets. We like to think that the way things are is the way things will be. We make plans and expect to follow them through. But the truth is, there is no plan that truly is our own. And sometimes, He likes to have the wind blow a smidge harder.
My mommy heart is aching. 2 girls moving on, a 3rd getting ready to in a year. My grandma heart rejoices in our grandgirl, yet I know her mommy's heart sorrows every day she gets older. Watching Reya, I don't have the same "please don't change" moments. Every day is a joy to see her grow. But with our own girls....PUH-LEASE....don't let that wind blow through my life! I haven't yet been successful in slowing time down, but that doesn't stop me from trying.
It's funny that it bothers me so much. I am constantly changing my house. There are days Matty comes home and looks around and says "Oh. You rearranged. Again.". Yes, I do it a lot. I also like to paint. (okay, Matty paints, I watch) I'm not against change, I'm just against the change happening with my family life. And therein lies the problem.
I. Am. NOT. In. Charge.
That phrase deserved it's own paragraph. Those winds are going to keep blowing, the change is going to keep happening and my life will get richer and fuller because of it. I need to remember that just because the girls are doing what God intends, (or not, depending on the girl)it doesn't mean that my life is losing anything. In most cases, I'll gain something. Even if it's just experience in a situation.
He IS in charge. His plan is perfect and unfolding in His time. I don't have to like how things change. Don't have to even agree with it. But I do need to trust in Him...and believe that all things will work according to His will. His word says that if He is for us, then who could stand against? More true words were never spoken.
As I finish up, I leave you with these words:
A BEAR ALMOST ATE SAVANNAH. (dumb wind)
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
In The Beginning
Chatting with an old friend the other night over Facebook, I asked if I had always wanted, or talked about wanting, children. The answer was yes. Looking back, I realize that's very true. The little bits and pieces of my life that I do remember all involve wanting to be a mommy. Maybe it's because I wanted to be loved and I thought that a child would love me all the time. (Um, that is true....BUT there are times they don't act like it!) I'm not saying my parents didn't love me or that God didn't love me. I just didn't grasp what that love was all about.
In the beginning, there was me. I was a pretty girl. I liked the boys and boy did they like me. I was the girl I warn our girls not to be. Getting pregnant at 16, I felt fulfilled. When she was born, I was young and scared. At 17, I was ill prepared to be a mother. When I had the 2nd girl at 20 (almost 21), I wasn't any more prepared....just not as young. Still scared. There is something scary about getting handed a baby and all of a sudden you realize that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. All decisions that are made, all choices, all STUFF....it's all on YOU. ARGH!
Girls 3 and 4 were born within 17 months of each other. Apparently I wasn't feeling loved enough. Actually, having children was the only way I felt complete. I still hadn't quite grasped the whole being loved by God thing. I knew God, trusted God, WAS God's....but didn't allow that to permeate my being. (psssttt....here's a little secret: He created each daughter, so before you start thinking that there were ways to prevent those pregnancies know that in the beginning, He planned on creating them) He was so gracious to me, all these girls.
When I met Matty, I told him that I came with 4 children and I would give him 2. Of course they were girls. That's okay with me, though. Didn't know what I would do with a boy anyways! By the time the Little Bit was born, I wasn't scared. There was that momentary UM when they handed her to me and I once again realized that here was another tiny human that I would have to do right by. And despite our rocky beginning, Matty and I were very settled. I had, sometime during my "living in the pit" time, fully grasped who I was in Christ. I had allowed myself to be bathed in His love and His grace. I had reached and His hand had pulled me up and out. I was forgiven.
I realize that I was looking for His love in our children's faces. In boys' faces. I was trying to fill a hole with temporary things. Because, folks, even your children are temporary. At a certain point, you really AREN'T responsible for what they say and do. They grow up and do things on their own. They learn and love and cry and make mistakes. And I can tell and warn our girls not to be like I was because I realize it wasn't who God created me to be. In the beginning, He knew my name. He also knew the way I would travel and the choices I would make. He also, I reiterate, knew that each girl was going to be born. In fact, He chose their names as well. They were meant to be here, meant to be ours and meant to be loved. But they were never meant to be EVERYTHING, the end all, be all. He is.
God planted a desire in my heart for children. He knew what would unfold. When I began trying to write my own story, He nudged and loved and even sorrowed me. When I catch glimpses of my past, it always involves wanting children. Sometimes, I'm not sure why He thought I would be a good mother.....however, in His way, He blessed me with amazing children. His love allows me to love them better.....allows me to give grace. I am His beloved.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1
In the beginning, there was me. I was a pretty girl. I liked the boys and boy did they like me. I was the girl I warn our girls not to be. Getting pregnant at 16, I felt fulfilled. When she was born, I was young and scared. At 17, I was ill prepared to be a mother. When I had the 2nd girl at 20 (almost 21), I wasn't any more prepared....just not as young. Still scared. There is something scary about getting handed a baby and all of a sudden you realize that YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. All decisions that are made, all choices, all STUFF....it's all on YOU. ARGH!
Girls 3 and 4 were born within 17 months of each other. Apparently I wasn't feeling loved enough. Actually, having children was the only way I felt complete. I still hadn't quite grasped the whole being loved by God thing. I knew God, trusted God, WAS God's....but didn't allow that to permeate my being. (psssttt....here's a little secret: He created each daughter, so before you start thinking that there were ways to prevent those pregnancies know that in the beginning, He planned on creating them) He was so gracious to me, all these girls.
When I met Matty, I told him that I came with 4 children and I would give him 2. Of course they were girls. That's okay with me, though. Didn't know what I would do with a boy anyways! By the time the Little Bit was born, I wasn't scared. There was that momentary UM when they handed her to me and I once again realized that here was another tiny human that I would have to do right by. And despite our rocky beginning, Matty and I were very settled. I had, sometime during my "living in the pit" time, fully grasped who I was in Christ. I had allowed myself to be bathed in His love and His grace. I had reached and His hand had pulled me up and out. I was forgiven.
I realize that I was looking for His love in our children's faces. In boys' faces. I was trying to fill a hole with temporary things. Because, folks, even your children are temporary. At a certain point, you really AREN'T responsible for what they say and do. They grow up and do things on their own. They learn and love and cry and make mistakes. And I can tell and warn our girls not to be like I was because I realize it wasn't who God created me to be. In the beginning, He knew my name. He also knew the way I would travel and the choices I would make. He also, I reiterate, knew that each girl was going to be born. In fact, He chose their names as well. They were meant to be here, meant to be ours and meant to be loved. But they were never meant to be EVERYTHING, the end all, be all. He is.
God planted a desire in my heart for children. He knew what would unfold. When I began trying to write my own story, He nudged and loved and even sorrowed me. When I catch glimpses of my past, it always involves wanting children. Sometimes, I'm not sure why He thought I would be a good mother.....however, in His way, He blessed me with amazing children. His love allows me to love them better.....allows me to give grace. I am His beloved.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." John 1:1
Friday, July 5, 2013
With One Eye Covered
Whew! I had a heck of a week! During that week, I read another blog that struck a chord in me. And I realized....I'm looking at the world with one eye covered. This other blog got me thinking about what my children see when they see me. The blog was from a daughter to a mother. I thought I'd hit the same subject as a mother to a daughter.
Dear girls,
Please remember that you are beautiful. Please remember that no matter how your body may change, you are beautiful. I know I complain about my figure, know that I talk about how my dream is to be "tall, thin and blonde". But the truth is, I won't ever be that. And I need to remember that my words have an impact on you. I see it after I've had an exceptional rant. I see you glance in the mirror, perhaps thinking that if there is something wrong with my figure, there MUST be something wrong with yours. I see you quickly look over yourself, your gaze landing on your thighs. You push on them and grimace and I realize.....I do that all the time.
With one eye covered, I believe I can complain about myself and expect that it won't effect you. I expect that because you are young and beautifully built, you won't take my words and make them yours. I don't comprehend that to you, I am beautiful. You tell me all the time...and I scoff. Your dad tells me and I sigh, feeling he can't possibly mean it. And all this, you see.
The world gives you an image to behold, a model of how you should look and dress. The world teaches that you must be thin to be beautiful. And with one eye covered, it does seem like that is right. But, girls, it isn't. You, just as you are, are BEAUTIFUL. Your body will change, you will gain weight and lose weight. You will have children and your body will stretch in ways you never knew it could. You will gain weight in places you want it AND in places you don't. Through all this, YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
The world will continue to tell you that you are not built right, it will tell you that you aren't perfect. It will be lying.
I won't always have this mindset. This is my growth mindset. I will probably slip right back into my complain mode tomorrow. However, I will try to remember that you are listening. You are watching and learning. I don't want the seeds of self recrimination to take root in your mind. Don't want my image issues to become your reality. I love you so much and when I look at you, I am so proud to be your mother. I am so proud of the women you are becoming.
I will uncover my eye and truly look at the things around me. I will be cautious with my words and actions and I will claim beauty more often. I will remember that every mark and stretch on my body has been because I carried you beneath my heart. I will remember that your dad means it. I will remember that I am made in His image, as are you. He has created good things, so by deduction...I am good. ALL of me is good. And all of you is good. Good and beautiful.
Remember this when you have daughters. Remember that they love you, that to them you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Remember that you are always amazing to those little eyes. Remember they hear you.
Uncover your eyes, dear ones. Hold tight and never let go. Remember YOU are beautiful. But mostly, remember you are the daughter of the most High King.
Love,
mom
Dear girls,
Please remember that you are beautiful. Please remember that no matter how your body may change, you are beautiful. I know I complain about my figure, know that I talk about how my dream is to be "tall, thin and blonde". But the truth is, I won't ever be that. And I need to remember that my words have an impact on you. I see it after I've had an exceptional rant. I see you glance in the mirror, perhaps thinking that if there is something wrong with my figure, there MUST be something wrong with yours. I see you quickly look over yourself, your gaze landing on your thighs. You push on them and grimace and I realize.....I do that all the time.
With one eye covered, I believe I can complain about myself and expect that it won't effect you. I expect that because you are young and beautifully built, you won't take my words and make them yours. I don't comprehend that to you, I am beautiful. You tell me all the time...and I scoff. Your dad tells me and I sigh, feeling he can't possibly mean it. And all this, you see.
The world gives you an image to behold, a model of how you should look and dress. The world teaches that you must be thin to be beautiful. And with one eye covered, it does seem like that is right. But, girls, it isn't. You, just as you are, are BEAUTIFUL. Your body will change, you will gain weight and lose weight. You will have children and your body will stretch in ways you never knew it could. You will gain weight in places you want it AND in places you don't. Through all this, YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
The world will continue to tell you that you are not built right, it will tell you that you aren't perfect. It will be lying.
I won't always have this mindset. This is my growth mindset. I will probably slip right back into my complain mode tomorrow. However, I will try to remember that you are listening. You are watching and learning. I don't want the seeds of self recrimination to take root in your mind. Don't want my image issues to become your reality. I love you so much and when I look at you, I am so proud to be your mother. I am so proud of the women you are becoming.
I will uncover my eye and truly look at the things around me. I will be cautious with my words and actions and I will claim beauty more often. I will remember that every mark and stretch on my body has been because I carried you beneath my heart. I will remember that your dad means it. I will remember that I am made in His image, as are you. He has created good things, so by deduction...I am good. ALL of me is good. And all of you is good. Good and beautiful.
Remember this when you have daughters. Remember that they love you, that to them you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Remember that you are always amazing to those little eyes. Remember they hear you.
Uncover your eyes, dear ones. Hold tight and never let go. Remember YOU are beautiful. But mostly, remember you are the daughter of the most High King.
Love,
mom
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