One by one they grow up. They make choices. They listen or they don't. They slip and slide down the road. And I have to just watch.
Our relationship with our girls is unique. We've been very honest with them about the "hot button" issues. Sex, drugs, adultery, divorce.....pretty much anything we thought would cause them harm or hurt. We've chatted with them about experiences we've had, told them ugly details. We've spoken LOTS of God's grace. If you ask our girls about this, they'll tell you we've talked TOO MUCH about it all! I guess we just want them to know how special they are and how many "foxes" lurk about. We are constantly telling the girls to have a plan to escape their plan. One plan isn't enough.
I wanted so much more for them than I ever had. Which is why we started talking when they were young. I wasn't going to miss anything. I was going to make sure they all KNEW everything I didn't. And I pray. A lot. I pray my pattern of sin stop with me. Guess what!......they still make mistakes. I'm not talking physical (intimate) ones. I'm talking in general. For some reason, I thought if we educated them on all things, they would make wise choices. Hmmmm. THEY MISSED THE MEMO! And sometimes, I just shake my head and wonder where we dropped the ball.
But we didn't. We have done our best, shouted til we're blue in the face. We have reiterated and spoken truth to them. We have prayed for them, loved them and shielded them. Now, it's up to them. We still have a few we can continue to "bubble wrap", but for the most part we have 2 3/4 adult children. (Chellsei, you're the 3/4)
Sometimes, I get really happy when other christian children mess up. Because then I know we are ok. I know that if their kid did it, ours must be alright. Please don't misunderstand....I never rejoice over a lost sheep or a sheep who is blatantly going against God. I just take heart and know that it's okay not to be perfect. And that it isn't a reflection on my relationship with the Lord. And that it's not because we did anything wrong, it's just that these daughters were created with their own minds. I know, I know.....that's shocking.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do as a mom is step back. I hate having to let them get hurt....but that helps them grow. Until they have children, they won't understand. I look forward to when they do.
One by One they grow up and get a life. I may not like it, but that's the way it goes.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Not sure how to _______!
Please, fill in the blank. I have many words to fill it in with.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
Not sure how to:
Think
Pray
Go forward
Not cry
Be happy
Be supportive
Smile
Grow
Move
As many know, Matty lost his job. I can't even talk to my friends without crying. Of course, this comes on the heel of Hillary getting married and Emily graduating. And to top it off, I have *healing* second degree burns on my hand. My right hand. Sigh.
To say it's been sucky is an understatement. I don't think we have any more than anyone else, it's just happened all at once. I go to bed ok, at peace and with an understanding that God has this. Come morning, I am a big ball of worry. The money is disappearing. Unemployment is not forthcoming. The girls have need of summer clothes. And, ACK, we're planning a wedding on a ZERO budget. Let's throw doctor bills in there just for fun. Wheeeeeeeee!
In conversation with a friend over her struggles, she stated that sometimes "It's even harder to go through trials as a Christian, with Christian brothers and sisters looking on." Sometimes, those same people say well meaning, but backhanded insulting, things. I already feel like it's my fault. I feel like we have made poor financial decisions, therefore we are reaping what we've sown. I feel like we "deserve" this. Perhaps there is some sin I haven't confessed, something I should be doing "better". Then maybe Matty would have a job. Unemployment would come. And the girls' needs would be met. Funny thing is, my friend said the same thing over a completely different subject. And isn't that skewed??! We both KNOW that God has this, we both KNOW that His plan is for our future and He will take care of us. But somewhere in the grand scheme, we feel there must be more we could/should be doing.
Yesterday was communion at church. And as I sat there and meditated on the words the pastor said, I realized I was trying to control the situation. And as I sat, I released it all. I let it go. In that moment I was reminded that He really DOES have this. There is nothing that is a surprise to Him. I held onto that thought, cleared my mind of all but Him and worshiping and praising Him and just believing. And then, I was needed. I take it very seriously when God says move. So move I did. I had some very sweet time with some very sweet women. Our situations are different, but oh so similar. Our love for the Lord wasn't less, our understanding the WHY of each scenario was befuddling. And as humans, we want the WHY. We want to know it all.
Maybe in a year, I'll look back at this season with joy. I'll see and remember all the ways God moved. Maybe in a week I'll be able to talk with a friend without tears. Maybe tomorrow Matty will have a new job. And maybe a purple spotted giraffe will waltz into my living room with an orange hippo. I don't know. But if I did, I would certainly try to control it.
Someone else asked me if we had received any blessings last week. I had to think. Really hard. Because in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. Matty did. He told her about someone bringing us dinner. What a blessing that was. I don't want to miss any, don't want to be so focused on the WHY that I forget to stop and watch and be thankful. It's just a job.....
Not sure how to......
However you finish it, remember to hold tight. There is One who has it all. One who knows your/my name.....One who knows my/your heart....One who holds our tears and prays for us. What an awesome thought....what a mighty God.
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