I remember

I remember:
My mom taking me to see a "What happens when you smoke" video.....and she was a smoker.
The elephant puzzle my dad bought me once...when life was difficult.
Getting lice from a boy
A deer (dead) on our table, stripped of it's coat.
Yellow cabinets and swingy doors to our living room.
NOT having a phone until I was 13.....and then it was a PARTY LINE!
Food fights in the house
Being yelled at....
My dad not talking to me for a week (I called him a pig)
My dad crying as he walked me down the aisle when I was 17
My mom really being mad at me for....well, we won't chat about that.
I remember much more than that. Things best left unwritten, secrets stuck in a private vault....known only by those that experienced them.
Isn't that what makes a family? Experience and things remembered? And so I wonder, what will our children remember?
Will they remember when I yelled at them for not cleaning their rooms? Or the time I cut, with acissors, a shirt off one of the girls because she complained about it being a name brand? (She was wearing an undershirt) Or will they remember the time we had a water fight in the house? Perhaps they will remember when we danced in the rain (every chance we get) or the time I flung corn at Matty. (the little spoon looked like a perfect catapult...it was!) Will they remember mini vacations, make up lessons, walks with the dog and watching "Rear Window"? Will they remember all the meals I made and the times Matty took them out for ice cream?
What sticks in someone's mind? What gets hidden away and what gets shared? Sometimes people think that relationship is shared experience. It's not. Relationship is deeper, heart felt and strong. Relationship is scary, beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking. It's not always good....sometimes it's sorrowful. As parents, as children, as lovers, as friends....relationship takes many forms. Each one is different and each one is a choice. It isn't always easy to "love" the children. They make choices and decisions that we don't agree with, decide to test out their wing strength. It's hard to watch....and sometimes hard to support. As a wife, I choose to love my husband. Every day! Some days I choose to not support him, choose to be selfish, choose to be "childish". I'm not proud of it, but it's truth. But I do love him....every day. As a friend, there are some friendships I just let go. Not worth the effort I think it takes. Again, not a proud moment...but honest.
I remember:
Staying up all night with a feverish or icky sick child
watching Disney movies until I thought I would get cavities from all the sweetness
Going to Disneyland with my loved ones
Reading "Peter and the Starcatchers"
Endless trips to the library, zoo and discovery center
tights with holes, plaid skirts and "elevated" hair
heartbreak
Watching the "little bit" go to first grade
And so much more.....
.......and so much more......
....and even more.
I know there is more to come, more to hide away. More to laugh at, more to love with and more to pray is unwritten. More to hope they forget, more to pray they remember.


I remember meeting a man....who loved me even though I came with 4 children and who loved those children.....

Lemons and Life

"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Huh. Really? I want to live in that world. The one where you just make lemonade and move on. I wish my glasses were rose colored and I lived in "Perfectville". I wish I had enough sugar to make lemonade. I wish I wasn't feeling so sour about now.
We just found out that Matt has been demoted. Not really because of a job he didn't do right, but because of the way numbers work out in the system. I know....God is in control. Yet, with this demotion comes a decrease in pay. I don't see it. I don't see how we will be able to get the girls the clothes they need, how we will pay our bills and how we will survive. I KNOW, I KNOW! God is in control. My heart knows this, but head can't wrap itself around it. I know He knows the girls' needs. I know He sees us all the time. I know He doesn't sleep. But it doesn't "feel" like He's aware. I feel so.....lost.
I feel upside down and backwards. It's funny. My bible study this morning was about trusting God in the "non" miracle times. To know that He's behind the scenes, working things out on our behalf. To remember He loves us all the time, not just in "Major Miracle" times. We've seen our share of those, too. Right now, it just seems like we're stalled. I feel forgotten.
Yet, I am reminded by a friends pray and offer of love that we are not forgotten. And our dog isn't either. I had forgotten that he was going to need care in these lean times, but God didn't. He provided a way for him to be fed. God saw Murphy. He sees my sorrow and the "rending" of my heart. He sees and bottles my tears and knows my husbands sadness. I'm sure He knows that Matty feels like somehow he failed....like he isn't the perfect hunter/gatherer. I don't feel that way. To me, Matty is a great man, a solid provider and a man who loves God. And I love him.
Regardless of my head feelings, my heart knows that God has this. There isn't one thing that has ever happened in my life that He isn't aware of. Some, I daresay, have even been orchestrated by Him. (some I chose and He blessed me through) I know we will come through this....stronger and more co-hesive perhaps. But no matter what, it is all designed by God. And as the inheritor of His kingdom and the love of His life I know He will watch over, protect and get us through. I just have to grasp it, hold tighter and fall backwards.


Lemonade is sweet, sticky and a smidge sour.....a lot like life.