Sometimes

Sometimes......
I want my life to be different...
I dream about what my children will do when they are older.....
I crave silence....
I want chaos....
I dislike my husband and don't want to be a mother.....
I can't fathom life without children....

Sometimes, I so desperately want their lives to be fantastic that I go about trying to make it that way. I so much want to protect them from the hurts of the world that I intervene and keep them bubble wrapped from experience. But really, what I'm doing is hurting them. If I do it all for them, how will they learn? What will they learn and how will they grow?
Sometimes, I talk them out of things that I think will be harmful to their emotions and I talk them into something I WANT them to have. It's sometimes subtle, sometimes not so much. And other times, I just down right steer them around something. No one and nothing is going to hurt my babies! BUT.....isn't that just life? Shouldn't they have some hurts in order to appreciate the great stuff? And if I'm doing the directing, aren't I taking over for God? Cause really WHO am I to say what should happen?? I let my wants for their lives take over...my heart is right, I'm just doing them an injustice.
This is hard for me, friends. No one wants to admit, however inadvertently, that they are hurting their children. I guess it comes down to the fact that as much as I like to pretend I have control, the only one truly in control is God. He has a plan. And,(UGH) maybe that plan involves hurts. But it certainly involves great things also. Hurt doesn't always mean harm...and clearly in His word, God's plan is for good and not harm. So I trust Him. They're His children anyways!

Sometimes.....

i dream the kids are all gone and Matty and I are in Disneyland, riding to our hearts content......

Whispers

Quick! Listen closely....hear the whispers of children growing, a moment passing, words of love on the wind. Listen to the whisper of laughter, get caught up in the joy of time moving.....around and around we go.
All around me, whispers abound. If I stand still enough perhaps I'll "see" them happen.....revel in the sound of girls giggling, dog barking and the wind blowing. I'll hear my husband say he loves me.....without him saying a word.
It has occured to me that I let to many things get in the way of "hearing". Too busy, too tired, too bored. Too hurried.....
Already one of the girls is 21....another will be 18 in September. Seems like it can't be possible. They're just kids....right?? Not so much. One is forging her own life, moving along. Growing and learning and allowing (finally) God to unfold His plan for her. Another is learning how to be an adult, slowly and sometimes painfully.(for us) Not far behind are the 16 and 14 year old girls. Sigh....too fast, too soon.
Everyday, another moment passes. I have my last "first".....whatever Harley does for the first time. Instead, I have firsts with our 21 year old. She had her first drink. Not sanctioned by mom, but STILL....it was her first. There is something wrong with your child being able to drink legally. As a parent, I think we should outlaw it. (little soap box)
Truly though, we have such a small amount of time to enjoy it. The whispers get louder, the years get shorter and time moves along. And the whole time there is a mighty whisper across my heart. One that reminds me that I do not do what I do for myself. That I do it for Him. He has been so gracious to allow me to mother these girls, to love them for now and to raise them up. He created each one with a purpose and a hope. With joy, He whispers into their hearts. With love, He plans each step. With promise, He unfolds His plan and snuggles them close. His whisper is the one I crave, the one I cry for and the one that shakes me to the core. I close my eyes and revel....stand still and listen.


Don't move.....don't talk.....just listen for the whispers: laughter, love, joy and promise....hope