Adventures

Life is an adventure. You never know what might get tossed at you, what you might have to jump over or what dragons you may have to slay. But that's half the fun. Most of the enjoyment comes from the anticipation, the "butterflies", the adrenaline.
Well, this year of our life has been no less adventurous. Join me, friends, as I recount our (said in loud, magnified voice) "2011 ADVENTURES....."

-Broken hearts...we've had them this year. We've had a girl have her heart broken and one who broke a few herself.
-Job demotion....first a threat, then reality. A blow to my man for sure, but he rebounded well
-Disneyland!! AGAIN! We were there for Chellsei's 16th birthday....how much more fun could a party be??
WELLL!- They can be pretty fun! We had a "Fabulous 50's" surprise for Chellsei and a "Swashbuckling" pirate surprise party for Kaily...I do LOVE those theme parties. Chellsei looked at her friend laying on the floor and said "Why are you here?" before she understood it was HER party. Silly girl.
-Murphy continues to eat everything....including small terracotta pots full of dirt. And he had mites. And he ate his bed. And....he is so SPOILED!
-Hillary came to visit...with her boyfriend....who she lives with. EEEEK! That was a hard one. "How 'bout them Broncos?" became our favorite saying, when things got tense...as in "When will you marry our daughter" tense. We sent him Bronco shirts for Christmas. :D
-One broken arm in a pink cast.
-One Savannah elected to student council...pretty fabulous!
-One drummer girl.
-One senior getting "senioritis"....and frantically applying to college.
-Kidney infection...pretty recent and very painful...I am soaking up the love.
-Only rearranged the house 3 times, didn't touch his stereo system once. That was a good thing...I think he might've locked me in the closet if I had.
-Celebrated 11 years of marriage. Looking forward to more!
-Kaily realized that her mom is right on a few things...such as boys who play guitar and write angry songs. She is immortalized. Might not be in the best way, but he sure gave her the "power".
-Got to see one of the biggest Holiday films at a screening...for FREE! I love free! AND got lots of tea on "Starbucks Free Tea" day. Hooray for tea for free!
-Made new friends, got family pictures done and generally just grew.

We've had alot go on this year. Some good, some not so good and some just down right terrible. Yet, we've weathered it well. We've gotten through the tears, the giggles, the yelling and even the foot stomping and door slamming. Our adventures make us a family. They are a story we get to tell, a triumph to overcome and a journey to be had.
Thank you all for journeying with me this year. I have shared my heart, my anger, my joy and my sorrows. Through it all, I have prayed. Every adventure is mapped out by God. His plan. There have been times when I haven't spoken to Him as often as I "should". Yet...He is there, loving me. His plan doesn't change just because I am stubborn. (really, I am stubborn...i know, I don't seem to be)I am so excited to be His, so excited to live in this adventure written just for me.

So, Merry Christmas. Have a wonderful New Year. Remember, He was born to die so we could live....


The most wonderful adventure awaits....He is coming.

Worthy

I see my children. I see how amazing and beautiful and talented they are. i see their insecurities, their aching hearts and their swollen eyes from hidden tears. I see how much they want to belong with the "right" people. I've seen those "right" people tolerate my child, I've seen them avoid my child, I've seen them placate and pretend around my child. I've seen my child LONG to just be included, to be wanted, to feel like she is worthy.
I remember wanting those same things. I remember sitting alone at lunch, reading a book so I would look busy. Yet inside I was longing to be accepted, to have someone call my name and ask me to sit with them. I wanted so badly to be a part of something I believed was so grand. It never happened. The only attention I got was male and we all know how that ended up. I wanted to be accepted and have friendship with the girls. I wanted to go places on weekends, get rides home and be able to talk about the same thinks everyone else was talking about. I didn't want to be lonely.
I tell the child/ren that the rest of life isn't like high school. That the things that matter now, won't in a few years. That friendship takes time to build and high school isn't the place to build it. Those friendships that survive are the exception. Not the rule. However, I am still lonely. I am still waiting for people to ask me over. Still waiting to be "accepted". Entering into a new social setting is hard for me. I am never sure if it's my perception or if there is truth in my thoughts. I want to be wanted....
God has blessed me with a few very good friends. And I am thankful. I need to lead by example with this child. I'm just not sure how. My heart hurts for her, aches all the time because I see the sadness behind her eyes. She is so amazing, so gifted and so beautiful. She is such a marvelous creation. God has plans for her that I can't even fathom....plans for her good. My sorrow has always been in their loneliness. I remember so well that subtle pain that took root in my heart when I was lonely. It breaks my heart to think of them hurting. Breaks my heart to think of them trying so hard to be worthy when they don't have to try at all. The people they are trying to be worthy for will not matter in 2 years. They will grow up, lead their lives and have children (if God so blesses them). These daughters were born worthy to be princesses. They were created by His hand, breathed to life by the King. They have no need to look for acceptance when the One who loves them is the Lord. I so want them to KNOW this. To grasp it and not let go. To remember that there is never a reason to be lonely when you are in the company of your Father....and He is holding your hand. He will not let you fall, child. He will not let you go.


If you've been on either side of the table, remember that God loves us all the same. We are the same, you and I. Created and loved, all for a purpose.

Crooked and Upside Down

Christmas has hit my house! As Kaily says "Christmas threw up in my house". I think it looks lovely....even with the angel crooked on the tree. But that is pretty much my life. Crooked and upside down.
Just last night, Ashley broke her elbow. I've had sick kids, a always working, barely there husband and the dog had mites. His medicine cost more than his visit! Even had one daughter immortalized in a not so fabulous poem.....posted on facebook!(I broke my facebook fast to hunt the boy down)
Yet....I've also had lots of hugs from those sick kids, lots of snuggle time. Been able to watch all the girly movies I want because Mattys at work. Had a fabulous Thanksgiving and had a great, endorphin rushed night of shopping. Ate at Denny's at 2 a.m. and went to the Cheeecake Factory for a post Thanksgiving lunch....they bought me dessert! Something icky was in my food....hooray for free dessert! As for the mites, well....that's the only thing still on my bad list.
It's easy to recount all the "horrible" things in my life, to be the downtrodden and soggy. It's easy to mope and whine (I'm guilty) and allow myself to roll in the muck. And I feel like I've done that lately. I've been cranky, sad and overrun. I have allowed my circumstances to affect my spirit. And I don't want to be that.
The Lord is good all the time. He has my whole life all mapped out and I was created for His plan. I stray away from that plan and He is still waiting, loving me and holding me. There is nothing that happens in my life, soggy or not, that He isn't aware of. And I've let go of that. He reminds me daily, and I still insist on carrying everything. Silly me. His back is strong, mine is broken.
So as we go into December, I am reminded of His love. I am reminded of His birth, of the innocent baby born to die.....for me. I had a horrible October. I had an iffy November. December has got to be the best yet. And even if it's not, I will try to remember that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

Sometimes crooked and upside down is good. It allows me to see things from a different angle......sometimes even keeps me walking straight.

It's time to be thankful. And so here it is: My first annual "I'm Thankful" blog.
I'm thankful that:
~ Against all odds Murphy has NOT eaten my new couch (he has, however, eaten a billion pairs of socks)
~ the girls are healthy (at least for now)
~ my friend loved me enough to bring me a Starbucks card when she was "in the neighborhood"
~ Harley's arm has healed....now if she would just stop trying to be a stunt girl, life would be PERFECT (HA)
~ Emily is 18 and prayerfully headed off to college next year (t.v. room anyone?)
~ Hillary got to come visit
~ there will only be FOUR girls left before Matty and I are empty nesters
~ Chellsei has learned to play the drums and the people at church love her even when she messes up
~ Savannah made student council at her new school....they needed leadership kids and thought of her
~ Kaily can talk honestly and openly about her "perfect" imperfection
~ Matty has a job
~ I got to go to Disneyland AGAIN!
~ I can wear mary jane shoes with skull buckles
And now some things I'm thankful FOR:
Bathrooms
Logan
Heat
Chocolate
Turkey
Sweet Potatoes (YUMMY)
Party in my mouth Pizza (ask Kaily)
Blank stares (free, by the way)
Clothes
Books
Hair color
"Twisted Disney Princesses" (google it for a surprise...you will never see Disney princesses the same. I like Aurora)
Things I'm not thankful for:
Speedos (ICK)
spiders
flies
the color purple (pffffttt Matty)

While this isn't my most witty or thought provoking blog, this is me. I have a crazy mind and I'm a bit bizzare. But that is OK....it's what you all love about me, I know it!
Have a fabulous Thanksgiving, cyber friends. Be thankful for everything...and remember the One who allows us to have it all. He is the all.....and to Him I am most thankful.

In the Whole Wide World

In this whole wide world, there is only one of me. I know some of you out there are sighing in relief....could you imagine TWO of me?? Pretty frightening, I know.
Yet, in this big wide world we constantly conform. We wear what the ads tell us to wear.. We buy the "right" food. We do our hair just so. We essentially become lemmings. And do you know what lemmings do? They follow eachother off cliffs. And DIE! I do NOT want to be a lemming.
Having 6 daughters, I have insight into what girls think. Being a girl myself didn't help at all. All 6 of our daughters are so very different. They all having different levels of conformity. For one girl, the fact that she wears clothes is as lemming-ish as she gets. Otherwise it's all stripy tights and shorts and hats. Another girl doesn't consider herself a rodent. But she is. She always has been. She's the one who wants what's advertised. She wants to be "that" girl and wear "those" clothes. We always knew what to get her for birthdays and Christmas. Whatever was popular and in the moment. The little girls are still developing, still learning. I am teaching them not to conform.
I will admit that in our household we don't care. We like pictures of zombie princesses. We don't care if the girls go as "dead" prom queens for Halloween. We don't care if they see pictures of art from the renaissance period. We don't care if they wear mismatched socks and mismatched earrings. We like skeletons. We like monster dolls. We don't care if they wear spider hats to church and dress as superheros. Life is fleeting, quickly moving. If we care about all those little things we miss the HUGE things. If we spend all our time worrying about conforming, worrying about other people and what they think, we miss the FUN. I would rather have our daughters remember when we had a water fight in the house than remember our house was perfect. I want them to remember "when spiders came to play". (see picture album of same name on facebook)
In this whole wide world, we forget the important things. We concern ourselves with stuff that is inconsequential. Things that won't matter tomorrow. I say use the good plates. If one gets broken, it's OKAY. There is nothing more important than family. I say write on the windows with washable marker. Key word is washable and it keeps kids busy. Even teens. Take baths in colored water, throw impromptu parties and color your hair....a "fun" color. Stop conforming, world! God created YOU to be YOU not to be the lady next door. Don't be a lemming. There are enough of them in this whole wide world.

If you guess correctly who the 2 girls are, I will give you candy.
ps.....don't go off the cliff, the lemmings are liars.

When the Bough Breaks

......The cradle will fall. That's how the nursery rhyme goes. It's actually a pretty demented song. Babies in trees, limbs breaking, cradles (with baby) falling. Yet also fairly accurate.
Everyday, I feel like a cradle has "fallen". I feel like I didn't catch it, didn't even try. They hurt. They make choices. They walk a smidge away from the "safety zone". And what do I do? Watch. And pray. And sometimes yell. And sometimes cry. Sometimes, I throw my hands up and wait for the inevitable. The sorrow and the angst. That's the hardest. Watching as they walk up to the axe murderer and ask him to pretty please not kill them. Or they run away in high heels.
And then I say things. Sometimes, those things cause wounds. I don't mean to. I'm just scared for them. However once the words are out, that is pretty much it. I can't shove them back into my mouth, can't pretend I didn't say them. So I don't. Instead, I apologize and try and explain my fear and my sorrows. There are some things they expose themselves to that I wish I could erase from their minds. Wish I could take on for them. These things cause me no end of hurt FOR them, no end of sorrow. With all my blustering, they just don't get that. The weight is enormous.

It's times like these that I just look up at the Lord and wonder at His mercy and grace. I wonder that we constantly are talking to axe murderers and He is oh so patiently loving us. Patiently watching and waiting to take our burdens. I am so grateful that His words don't cause wounds. I am so thankful that He allows for my tears and my fears. (poetry in motion) The super grand thing is that He is that same way with the girls. And for that I am super duper thankful. No amount of wind can shake us out of the tree that He holds....we will never fall.


I no longer run in high heels.....it's a health hazard.

Things not said

Have I told you I love you? I do, you know. I believe everyone that reads my blog is brought to it by God. He loves you, therefore I love you. Does that mean anything to you?

The phrase "I love you" is whispered in the dark, shouted across a crowd, softly spoken in a hospital room and in our girls' case, said everytime they get off the phone with whoever. It's said numerous ways in countless languages by mass amounts of people. Its lost its charm, its meaning.
With every "I love you" is something that's not said. Maybe it's said because it's expected, out of "duty". Maybe it's said because there's nothing else to say. Perhaps it's habitual, part of a routine. What I don't say to Matty when I say I love him is that I have CHOSEN to love him on this day, any given day. Sometimes, when I say it to the girls it's said grudgingly. Reminding myself that I do indeed love them. I say it to my dad....he says nothing back. It's that nothing said that I know he does love me.

We don't tell the people in our lives all the things we think. We ask someone how they are doing all the while thinking of who we will talk to next. Often, I think it would be nice if we just said "Give me the short version, 5 words or less". It would save feelings and time. Isn't that what we're looking for? Easier ways to NOT talk to people? Because our time is so precious....so many important things to do. Because really, that's what we're doing. We don't say the things we want to. We give the "right" answers, tell the "right" stories and zoom away. We laugh at the right times, cry at appropriate moments and show fear when it's called for. What we don't say sometimes speaks volumes about who we are.

And most of the time, things not said are the sweetest moments. A look across the room, a snuggle from a teen age girl. A laugh over gatorade. A feather pillow fight, watching "grown up" girls play barbies. A touch on my shoulder, a surprise tea. Sometimes, words aren't needed. Silence can be warm, comforting and bring a closeness. And that's all good.

When I ask you how you are, I want your true answer. I won't say I love you unless I mean it. I promise to listen when you need it and be honest when you ask me something. I promise to sit in silence with you. I do love you. You are amazing, brought here by God. And that is the truth....and should be said.

Beautiful

When did I decide that society could tell me how to be beautiful? Why do I let those pictures in magazines and in the mall dictate what makes me beautiful? And why on earth do I look at those faceless mannequins and want to be as thin as them?! Because, in a sin saturated world, I feel not good enough.
When I was a teen I thought I was fat. at 14 I was 5'7 and a size 5. I thought I wasn't pretty, thought I needed to be better. I believed what t.v. and magazines and songs said. And I believed I wasn't good enough. It's pretty sad when at almost 39 these things still seep into my brain, convincing me I am just not right.
About 6 years ago, I was a size 8 and weighed 140 lbs. I think about that and I cry. Because guess what! That is not me anymore. And I, silly me, believe I am no longer beautiful.
There is always a diet craze, a weight loss fad and some skinny girl that sits next to you at the movies, church or wherever. You would think as a mom of girls I would feel differently. And I do. For them....there are different rules for the girls. I encourage their individuality. I encourage odd dressing, colored hair and multiple earrings. I encourage them to remember that they are formed in God's image, and when He looks at them all he sees is their beautiful hearts....along with their beautiful faces. This encouragement has led to some people to think they're odd ducks. Strange beings and "different". (insert hand motion from "Fantastic Mr.Fox") But that's ok...they are PHENOMENAL! But me....I'm just ordinary.
I have an eating disorder. I can't track what I eat because I'll quit eating. I've been this way since I was young. I know this about myself. And now you know it about me too. I know...I am made in God's image too. Shaped and formed and loved no matter my size. (Which I correlate to my beauty) I know these things in my heart. I just can't grasp it in my heart....so when did I decide society could dictate my beauty? When I was a young girl, and everyone around me was prettier, thinner and more put together. As a grown up, it still feels that way sometimes....and I'm stuck with teenager feelings as a grown up woman. How does it change? Well, I keep praying. I listen to what I tell the girls and I remember that I am not the only woman to feel this way. I remember that to God, I am PHENOMENAL. Cause I am....

This blog is a way for me to talk to you. So if you (whoever you are) have felt/done/been anything I have ever written about, I want you to know....it's ok. You're not alone. Not everyone admits everything...I'm just trying to do what God says. And He loves you.

I'm just a girl

Good morning, world. It's me again. After 5 hours of sleep, my internal clock went off and I dragged myself out of bed. And I started thinking. I know....it's crazy. Thinking so early in the morning.
Last night at about 11:15 p.m. I took the teens in my house and made a McDonalds run. The young adult taking our order was very sweet.....he was also flirting with me. Emily looked at me in surprise.
SURPRISE? As in, "OH MY GOODNESS! my mom is flirt worthy" surprise. Um, excuse me?! Of course I am. Yet, I realized how odd it is for them. And I think they forget I'm just a girl. They forget that I wasn't born this age and they forget that I actually had a life before them. And I like to be flirted with. (you know you do too!) I like to look pretty and more than that to know someone else thinks I look pretty. (Yes, Matty....I know you think I look pretty) I still get giddy when I see that cute boy looking at me.....(Matty). And it's still confidence boosting when the McDonalds guy flirts with me.
As a girl, confidence wanes. My self esteem takes a hit when I'm feeling "less than" and there are just some days I feel so icky about me. As a girl, my weight has gone up and down (up right now). When that happens, my confidence level fluctuates as well. I feel good, I feel bad. When my kiddos talk about how their friends all like to come over to our house, I feel great. I feel like I've done something right. When the girls are sad and feeling "less than" I commiserate. But here's the thing....THEY DON'T BELIEVE ME! They believe I was born almost 39 with no life experience. And how could I possibly understand?? EEESH! I am JUST a girl.
I get the same fluttery emotions, the same desire to know I'm pretty. The same ups and downs in my thought process. And it's fun to know I'm "flirt" worthy. It's also fun to see the look of surprise on the girls' faces when they realize I'm being flirted with. I asked Matty if he notices when someone flirts with him. He said no. So it leads me to the question: Does anyone else notice? Is he just oblivious to what happens? Am I an attention hog that only survives with flirty-ness?
Hmmmmm, nope. I don't think so. I ignore the flirters. I don't flirt back (not intentionally) and I don't dress for anyone but Matty and me. I honor God with my dress and my attitude. But sometimes, I think it does the girls good to remember that I am just a girl.....and not as old as they think.


Matty is oblivious. That's just him. But believe you me.....those women get no where NEAR my husband. I can spot a flirter a mile away and I have no problem going a different direction.

However....

Good Morning! It's been a long couple of days at our house. Matt got demoted (which means less pay), the tall girl broke up with her boyfriend (who she met at church camp) and one girl is sick. I haven't slept in 2 days. HOWEVER, I have not had a breakdown....not really.


Remember when I said some time ago that the girls were "off the market"? No boyfriends, only courtship stuff? Well, we broke the rule for the tall girl. And we liked her boyfriend. He was so sweet to her! Respected us and the rules we laid out.  Respected her and the boundaries she set for herself. Then, sad day, she broke up with him. She felt like he was more invested than she was in the relationship. We have a rule for the boys our girls date....if they, at any time, feel as though they no longer want relationship they need to tell the girls right away. And so we told the tall girl he deserved that same respect. 
He thanked her for being honest and said he would stay her friend. She was crying. She doesn't like hurting people. From now on, no boyfriends for her. However, I REALLY like him.  The girls bring these boys into their lives, which in turn brings them into ours. And we like them. Then they are gone. Sigh.


Matt got demoted. His confidence is shaken, his manhood on the line. I know he feels like he has let us down, done something wrong and is "less than".  And of course you had me saying things like "I asked you if......". I'm quite positive that did not make him feel better. Since the first initial shock, things have settled into  "git 'er done" mode. We've made plans (tentative) and have been praying. Alot. I know that the Lord has plans, I know that nothing happens without first being brought to the Father. I know we will be ok. However, things will be tight, money will be scarce and there won't be alot of frivolous expenditure. And that's ok. It's going to be creative living. We will find all the free things to do in Boise!


It's easy to try and wallow. To Eeyore it up and be all "Poor me" and "Why us?". It's easy to go crazy with the "what ifs" and look at situations that maybe won't even be a situation. It's easy to ignore that this was a plan. However, I have been called to do the opposite to all those things. This is a plan. Not mine, but His. And who am I to wallow? We still have each of our children, our home and eachother. We are healthy (except Chellsei who is nursing a cold). We have friends and a church home where, I believe, we are loved.  And we have a Father, who loves us continuously and in His very own words says His plan is for our good and not to cause harm.
While I did cry, I also prayed. And yesterday, my bible study was on Job. Go figure. And I am reminded, AGAIN, that God has this. What the world means for evil, the Lord means for good. I intend to enjoy the good.




The tall girl asked if her not being invested in the relationship meant she had a problem with commitment. I told her no....she's only 15, she doesn't have to commit....she has to grow up first.

So Much More

What if you weren't who you thought you were? What if one moment changed everything you ever knew about yourself? What if your whole self was an illusion, a figment of who you truly wanted to be?
We've all had them....defining moments that change our lives. We live under the possibilities of things going our way, life giving us what we want. But what happens when you get what you want and aren't sure what to do with it? What do you do when your reality isn't as wonderful as the dream? I see "perfect" people: perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect money and house. Why does their reality seem so much MORE than mine?
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea.....there is nothing wrong with any of the children, Matty and I are still firmly married and all the bills are paid. Even the dog is healthy. However, I had a thought today. About reality and how it is seldom what we think it will be. I realized I had had my time. I've found a spouse, had children and am pretty much a grown up. But for our girls, it's all just beginning. They will have regrets, sorrows, joy and "butterflies". They will flirt, have broken hearts, break hearts and survive. They will cry, laugh and perhaps grieve. And some of it will be done without me. I started thinking the other day about "Strawberry Milk" boy. Wondered how he was. I thought about the boy in high school whose heart I really broke....and wondered if he had been repaired. I started thinking about who I was at 14 and wondered if anyone remembered me like that. Had I made a lasting impression? Other than a hurtful one? Did I make a difference? Part of me wants to be remembered....I remember them and have no idea who they are as grown ups. Who can say that about me? What if there are things left to say, apologies to be given?

What if who I am isn't who I was supposed to be? My time was thrown away, frivolously discarded like I had an inordinate amount of it. That's what I don't want for the girls...I don't want them to waste their moments. I want each moment of their lives to be sweet, enjoyed and embraced. I want them to know that who they are becoming is who God intends them to be. I don't want them to be sorry for not doing something and I want them to be grateful for the things they get to do.
Every moment in my life has been defining. Some for the worse, most for the better. I have lived a life....definition to definition.....moment to moment. And I can see where those moments changed something. At 15 on the ferris wheel....at 16 getting married out of necessity.....at 19 getting married for stability.....at 27 deciding to end a marriage.....and finally being hopelessly in love for the first time and marrying my best friend. And now, at almost 39, watching the girls begin to grow, realizing there is so much more to this life thing.

Everything I have done, been through and have said has shaped me. I am who I am....maybe not who I was supposed to be, but I believe I am so much more.

Mommyism

There is an unwritten rule that as a mother you just accept your children. You must be patient, must me tender and must at all times be the sane one. Yesterday I broke those rules. I was not patient, not tender and most assuredly NOT sane. In short, I had a breakdown. Yesterday was an "It's hard to be a mommy" day.

I didn't want to be a mommy. I wanted to have my breakdown in peace. Wanted to cry, yell and stamp my feet. Wanted to vent without the girls getting sullen, without having to worry about their teenage feelings. Truthfully, I wanted to be the kid. For just a little bit, I wanted to be the one without responsibility. Didn't happen. Know why? Cause I'm the MOMMY! And mommies can't have breakdowns.

Well, why NOT? I say "Mommies Unite!" We should have one whole day where we get to be the "kid", get to stamp our feet and holler like crazy about how no one understands us. We should be able to ignore our cel phones. Stop wearing the weight of our worlds on our backs....in short be able to breathe. WITHOUT someone shouting the word "MOM" at the top of their lungs.

Every mommy has a point. You know the one. It sends you over the edge, causes you to question your reasoning for having children in the first place. You think to yourself "Good gracious....WHAT was I thinking?!" Some women are just beginning. And it's oh so sweet. It's a wonderful journey you've begun....talk to me in 5 or 6 years. The journey is still sweet....it's just a little different. And then comes the teen years. (cue horror scream) With girls, it's always a party....yelling here, slamming door there....insert eye roll every other word. Petulance becomes the norm and the words "You don't care!" are spoken often. Tears happen almost as if scripted and my sanity goes right out the window.

Please don't get me wrong. I love our children, LOVE each one! There are just some days that it's hard to be a mom. Hard to shove my own emotions down, hard to ignore my own door slamming instinct. And when it happens, the girls act like I've done something so horrible, so awful they will never recover. And to that I say WHATEVER!
There will probably never be a "mommy" day. (Mother's Day just masquerades as one) Won't be a day where all the moms can just breathe, commiserate and enjoy a "no kid zone". But i say, go with it. When it happens, close your eyes and breathe. And remember, someone you know has probably already been where you are. And they survived. I will too and so will you.

It's not all like that. It's one day and it's ok to admit if you feel this way....chances are someone else is just waiting for one of us to admit it.

The "Club"

There is a club amongst teen girls. It's the "Have a boyfriend/Don't have a boyfriend" club. I remember it well. And I belonged to the "have" side. It seems I didn't find myself complete unless I had a boyfriend. I even made a few up. Well, one. He was a real guy, just not really my boyfriend. I wanted to belong, wanted to feel like one of "those" girls. Pretty, I wanted to feel pretty. And loved, I wanted to be loved. And I just wanted to be...them.

And so, I was a "have". However, that didn't change my social status. It just gave me male company.

Guess what?! The club still exists! Only now it's more brutal. Now, I'm the mom....and I'm trying to convince these girls that they don't need completion. That they don't need approval and that they are so very LOVED. Yet, no matter how much I tell them these things, they seem to CRAVE the same things I did at that age. From the very beginning, I talked with them. Tried to bolster their confidence, build self esteem and show them physical love. Things I felt I had missed. Things I wanted.
That's not even the whole of it....I think it all goes back to the "club". They want peer acceptance, peer recognition. We have one daughter who will probably always have a boyfriend....until she gets married of course. She is content to flirt, giggle and coo and have the boys eating out of her hand. Then there's another girl who is convinced she will NEVER have anyone to love her. Convinced that high school is it, the be all end all. She has no concept that the world is right out the door, waiting with patience for her to begin her life. And then there is the tender hearted one. The one who is positive she's going to get married, but searching so hard for her husband NOW. Her heart is anxious, troubled and full of frustration. She sees the flirt "get" the good guy and she is in angst. She believes that all that will come her way are the "needy" boys. I remind her that God knows her heart, knows her list for what she wants her husband to be. She made a promise to not kiss anyone except her husband and I truly believe God is honoring that by not allowing her to meet the "good" guy. He is protecting and honoring her dreams.

I see girls flip into and out of relationships like they are shaking off water. (me) I see girls invest so much of themselves into a boy they lose who they are.(also me) I see girls who bank on a boy and settle with him because they just want. (again....me) Some of these girls are mine....by birth and by "adoption". I love these girls.....so very much. I wish all of them would have a 'Cinderella' moment. I wish that belonging to the "club" would really make a difference in their lives. But it won't. No matter how much he tells her he loves her, it isn't the truth. The truth is a boy doesn't know HOW to love a girl at this age....doesn't know how to cherish her and even protect her. There may be a few exceptions (I've met some) and i know every girl thinks she is the exception. The fact is, only God will love her they way she cries to be loved. Only God will accept her as she is and protect her her whole life. She is His bride....if only she would grasp it.

The "club" will always exist. It will always be a show of peer status, acceptance and worthiness. Girls will always judge a girl based on her "boyfriend-ness". They will deem her worthy or not. In the "club" they will laugh and make jokes about why she doesn't have one. It appears that our 3 teens are in varying stages of the "club". The flirt really doesn't care about having a boyfriend. If she does great, if not that's ok too. The almost grown up one wants one, but can't see past the right now....can't see any further than high school. And the tender girl....well, she REALLY wants to know her forever right now. She doesn't want to wait, doesn't want to be patient. She wants to belong to the "club" the most.
I have paid my dues, lived my life, searched for my forever and come out of the pit to tell about it. I belonged to that "Club" long enough to know that it really doesn't matter. I am worthy in God's eyes, beloved and nurtured. Who cares what others think?


I am a child,friend, mother, sister, friend and wife. More than that I am the bride of Christ and a beloved disciple. That's the "club" I belong to...
"Beloved, let us love one another for love is from God...." 1 john 4:7 (first half)

Isn't it funny...

The way things happen sometimes surprise me. I mean, I continually plan my life, map my days and schedule appointments. That should hold some water right? Whatever! Life constantly changes around me. Things happen I don't expect, like Little Bit breaking her arm. And the dog eating my couch. And the girls growing up. (O.K. I should expect that one) I just think it's funny that I think I have any control at all.
And truly, what do I want to control? Weeeeeeeell, my husband, children, dog and all my days. I want to make a decision and not have anything sidetrack me, nothing to get in the way and everything to go according to plan. Because I do have a plan. And it's a good one! BUT....life hardly ever goes according to MY plan. I've talked alot about time moving quickly, life going forward faster than I can run. It seems to be a theme lately.
Perhaps it's because Emily is almost 18. And next year will be in college. And Hillary lives far away and is constructing a life for herself.....without me to hug and love on her. And good gracious! she's marrying age! (by that I mean she can get married) I could be a grandma. And my grandchildren will be raised far away! EEK! (rabbit trail)
Back to subject at hand....I think this thought of life going so quickly is odd because deep down I seriously questioned if our children really ever would be adults. Whether they would ever truly be self sufficient and capable. I figured they would always be at one age or another, but I never really believed they would LEAVE ME. Isn't that funny??!
UGH! So next year, Emily will be in college and Chellsei (who I can't believe is a JUNIOR this year) will be a senior. Kaily will, gulp, be a junior. In 3 years, we could have only 2 children in the house. What a bizzare thought. It will be so quiet.
I am reminded, it's not my plan. And that these girls are only on loan. We have been blessed to be their parents. The only thing I can count on is that Someone loves them more than I do. That Someone has it all figured out and can look at the entire film strip of our lives.....and He's got it.
I can't even talk about Savannah and Harley growing up. Right now they are still in little girl mode. Except Savannah just started showing interest in doing her own hair saying "This looks cute, huh mom?!" I know that just around the corner is a time when they will all be living the lives God intends....and Matt and I can get to the business of being "empty nest-ers". Could be fun.....


I have had 6 eight year olds....Harley is the baby. Not a single broken arm in the bunch. One slide, our last 8 year old and a movie night later = 1 broken arm cuddled in a pink cast.
Isn't it funny?

I remember

I remember:
My mom taking me to see a "What happens when you smoke" video.....and she was a smoker.
The elephant puzzle my dad bought me once...when life was difficult.
Getting lice from a boy
A deer (dead) on our table, stripped of it's coat.
Yellow cabinets and swingy doors to our living room.
NOT having a phone until I was 13.....and then it was a PARTY LINE!
Food fights in the house
Being yelled at....
My dad not talking to me for a week (I called him a pig)
My dad crying as he walked me down the aisle when I was 17
My mom really being mad at me for....well, we won't chat about that.
I remember much more than that. Things best left unwritten, secrets stuck in a private vault....known only by those that experienced them.
Isn't that what makes a family? Experience and things remembered? And so I wonder, what will our children remember?
Will they remember when I yelled at them for not cleaning their rooms? Or the time I cut, with acissors, a shirt off one of the girls because she complained about it being a name brand? (She was wearing an undershirt) Or will they remember the time we had a water fight in the house? Perhaps they will remember when we danced in the rain (every chance we get) or the time I flung corn at Matty. (the little spoon looked like a perfect catapult...it was!) Will they remember mini vacations, make up lessons, walks with the dog and watching "Rear Window"? Will they remember all the meals I made and the times Matty took them out for ice cream?
What sticks in someone's mind? What gets hidden away and what gets shared? Sometimes people think that relationship is shared experience. It's not. Relationship is deeper, heart felt and strong. Relationship is scary, beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking. It's not always good....sometimes it's sorrowful. As parents, as children, as lovers, as friends....relationship takes many forms. Each one is different and each one is a choice. It isn't always easy to "love" the children. They make choices and decisions that we don't agree with, decide to test out their wing strength. It's hard to watch....and sometimes hard to support. As a wife, I choose to love my husband. Every day! Some days I choose to not support him, choose to be selfish, choose to be "childish". I'm not proud of it, but it's truth. But I do love him....every day. As a friend, there are some friendships I just let go. Not worth the effort I think it takes. Again, not a proud moment...but honest.
I remember:
Staying up all night with a feverish or icky sick child
watching Disney movies until I thought I would get cavities from all the sweetness
Going to Disneyland with my loved ones
Reading "Peter and the Starcatchers"
Endless trips to the library, zoo and discovery center
tights with holes, plaid skirts and "elevated" hair
heartbreak
Watching the "little bit" go to first grade
And so much more.....
.......and so much more......
....and even more.
I know there is more to come, more to hide away. More to laugh at, more to love with and more to pray is unwritten. More to hope they forget, more to pray they remember.


I remember meeting a man....who loved me even though I came with 4 children and who loved those children.....

Lemons and Life

"If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Huh. Really? I want to live in that world. The one where you just make lemonade and move on. I wish my glasses were rose colored and I lived in "Perfectville". I wish I had enough sugar to make lemonade. I wish I wasn't feeling so sour about now.
We just found out that Matt has been demoted. Not really because of a job he didn't do right, but because of the way numbers work out in the system. I know....God is in control. Yet, with this demotion comes a decrease in pay. I don't see it. I don't see how we will be able to get the girls the clothes they need, how we will pay our bills and how we will survive. I KNOW, I KNOW! God is in control. My heart knows this, but head can't wrap itself around it. I know He knows the girls' needs. I know He sees us all the time. I know He doesn't sleep. But it doesn't "feel" like He's aware. I feel so.....lost.
I feel upside down and backwards. It's funny. My bible study this morning was about trusting God in the "non" miracle times. To know that He's behind the scenes, working things out on our behalf. To remember He loves us all the time, not just in "Major Miracle" times. We've seen our share of those, too. Right now, it just seems like we're stalled. I feel forgotten.
Yet, I am reminded by a friends pray and offer of love that we are not forgotten. And our dog isn't either. I had forgotten that he was going to need care in these lean times, but God didn't. He provided a way for him to be fed. God saw Murphy. He sees my sorrow and the "rending" of my heart. He sees and bottles my tears and knows my husbands sadness. I'm sure He knows that Matty feels like somehow he failed....like he isn't the perfect hunter/gatherer. I don't feel that way. To me, Matty is a great man, a solid provider and a man who loves God. And I love him.
Regardless of my head feelings, my heart knows that God has this. There isn't one thing that has ever happened in my life that He isn't aware of. Some, I daresay, have even been orchestrated by Him. (some I chose and He blessed me through) I know we will come through this....stronger and more co-hesive perhaps. But no matter what, it is all designed by God. And as the inheritor of His kingdom and the love of His life I know He will watch over, protect and get us through. I just have to grasp it, hold tighter and fall backwards.


Lemonade is sweet, sticky and a smidge sour.....a lot like life.

Sometimes

Sometimes......
I want my life to be different...
I dream about what my children will do when they are older.....
I crave silence....
I want chaos....
I dislike my husband and don't want to be a mother.....
I can't fathom life without children....

Sometimes, I so desperately want their lives to be fantastic that I go about trying to make it that way. I so much want to protect them from the hurts of the world that I intervene and keep them bubble wrapped from experience. But really, what I'm doing is hurting them. If I do it all for them, how will they learn? What will they learn and how will they grow?
Sometimes, I talk them out of things that I think will be harmful to their emotions and I talk them into something I WANT them to have. It's sometimes subtle, sometimes not so much. And other times, I just down right steer them around something. No one and nothing is going to hurt my babies! BUT.....isn't that just life? Shouldn't they have some hurts in order to appreciate the great stuff? And if I'm doing the directing, aren't I taking over for God? Cause really WHO am I to say what should happen?? I let my wants for their lives take over...my heart is right, I'm just doing them an injustice.
This is hard for me, friends. No one wants to admit, however inadvertently, that they are hurting their children. I guess it comes down to the fact that as much as I like to pretend I have control, the only one truly in control is God. He has a plan. And,(UGH) maybe that plan involves hurts. But it certainly involves great things also. Hurt doesn't always mean harm...and clearly in His word, God's plan is for good and not harm. So I trust Him. They're His children anyways!

Sometimes.....

i dream the kids are all gone and Matty and I are in Disneyland, riding to our hearts content......

Whispers

Quick! Listen closely....hear the whispers of children growing, a moment passing, words of love on the wind. Listen to the whisper of laughter, get caught up in the joy of time moving.....around and around we go.
All around me, whispers abound. If I stand still enough perhaps I'll "see" them happen.....revel in the sound of girls giggling, dog barking and the wind blowing. I'll hear my husband say he loves me.....without him saying a word.
It has occured to me that I let to many things get in the way of "hearing". Too busy, too tired, too bored. Too hurried.....
Already one of the girls is 21....another will be 18 in September. Seems like it can't be possible. They're just kids....right?? Not so much. One is forging her own life, moving along. Growing and learning and allowing (finally) God to unfold His plan for her. Another is learning how to be an adult, slowly and sometimes painfully.(for us) Not far behind are the 16 and 14 year old girls. Sigh....too fast, too soon.
Everyday, another moment passes. I have my last "first".....whatever Harley does for the first time. Instead, I have firsts with our 21 year old. She had her first drink. Not sanctioned by mom, but STILL....it was her first. There is something wrong with your child being able to drink legally. As a parent, I think we should outlaw it. (little soap box)
Truly though, we have such a small amount of time to enjoy it. The whispers get louder, the years get shorter and time moves along. And the whole time there is a mighty whisper across my heart. One that reminds me that I do not do what I do for myself. That I do it for Him. He has been so gracious to allow me to mother these girls, to love them for now and to raise them up. He created each one with a purpose and a hope. With joy, He whispers into their hearts. With love, He plans each step. With promise, He unfolds His plan and snuggles them close. His whisper is the one I crave, the one I cry for and the one that shakes me to the core. I close my eyes and revel....stand still and listen.


Don't move.....don't talk.....just listen for the whispers: laughter, love, joy and promise....hope

The Fire Within

Enough rainbows and flowers. I'm mad. Angry and frustrated. Today is a day that nothing I do is right. When I talk to the onesI love I have to justify. I have to tread carefully and explain and exhaust myself emotionally. It colors everything. After one conversation, my attitude is not so great for the next person. The anger intensifies, grows and flourishes. Thoughts run rampant through my head. Running away, spending money and screaming very loudly seem viable options.
WHEN will they get it? When will it be enough? When will I be enough?? When I have gone to every length to protect and love and nurture....WHY isn't it enough?? Why must I constantly defend my actions? Defend every nuance of myself? WHY?!
As I sit here, listening to 80's music on Pandora, my body is relaxing....my heart rate slowing and my mind returning to sanity. There is a fire that gets lit. Anger. It's fanned by emotion, driven by pain and spread by pride. I get mad at Matty and I don't want to talk to him EVER again. I stomp, huff loudly and basically do everything I can to get noticed. Then I get MORE mad when he doesn't acknowledge me. Any of this sound familiar to anyone??
When one of my kiddos begins to tell me all the ways I have failed....or tells me how I didn't do something that I KNOW I did I get SO frustrated. That anger is fueled by hurt. How could they not remember? I did the best I could. I DO the best I can. I juggle alot of people....I'm trying my hardest to make sure no one gets lost. But in the process....I think I'm in the maze. Stuck behind a corner, struggling to catch up.
I remember so well going to volleyball games. Track meets, school conferences. Fun runs and carnivals. I remember hospital trips, doctor appointments and celebrating "womanhood". I remember broken hearts, suprise parties and loss of friendships. I remember my wedding day and when we renewed our vows. I remember the loss of one child and the successful birth of six others. I remember 6 daughters all born perfectly. Late night feedings....all day feedings in Savannah's case. I remember kittens, goldfish and dogs. I remember good grades, bad ones and all in between. Drama club, school plays and basketball games. Cheerleaders and earth patrol. I hold tight to the tears that have been shed, bottled the laughter and treasure each memory as it happens. It amazes me how I could love 6 girls so very differently yet so much the same. It amazes me how I love Matty....the way I feel he was created just for me. The other half of me. It amazes me that in this life I have been so blessed. I know I haven't been forgotten, know that deep down the girl who thinks I don't try enough KNOWS I'm doing the best I can. It hurts to restructure a puzzle...or a maze. I realize she has growing pains, is learning how to be a woman. Learning how she still fits and where her space is. I wish she would hear me. She fits in the space that is only hers. There is no fighting, no one pushing her out. It's just different. And it's right. It's what is supposed to happen. Growth, change and flourishing.
As I sit here finishing up my tirade, I am no longer angry. No longer hurting. I am reminded of how I am beloved. I want my fire within to be joy.....given by God, fanned by the Holy Spirit and driven by the Savior. I know that someday these daughters will get it. Someday they may be mothers themselves....and I know they'll get it.


I have neither run away nor spent money. I have, however, screamed very loudly.

Havoc

Last week, during my fantastic vacation with two of our girls, I was confronted by the reality of how rocks keep tumbling. And I began to wonder how someone could hold on to so much anger and resentment. How someone could claim to love someone else but be so bitter about his past. Yes, this is about one of my ex husbands. I will not bash....on this you have my word.
I have decided that Facebook is either a great tool or a tool of havoc. While I was gone, havoc was wreaked upon one of my girls who was home. Some words were said about me and Matty....unflattering things. Things that caused great sorrow in our girl. Things that caused our girl to sob. It breaks my heart that my actions so long ago have caused rocks to tumble. Yet....shall I really claim responsibility for his words? His actions? Perhaps it was my sin that began the avalanche, but when I repented and asked for forgiveness (from God and from him) was I not released? How long will the anger last, the bitterness cause a rift? He blames me for the shift in his relationship with the girls....however, that is not on me. A person makes their own decisions, chooses how to live their life. Sometimes pretends to move on, still holding on to anger, hurt and sorrow. I see their heartache, these daughters. The sorrow they feel, the frustration with broken promises and words that cause wounds. His anger to me has blinded his reality. And yet...how often do I do that? Allow something said to fester and become deep seeded? How about you? How often do you ignore someone because of a hurt or a slight? Every situation isn't like mine was 11 years ago, but I'm willing to bet we can all think of a situation where we're holding on to the madness of it all. And it's junk...stuff that causes us to lose focus....to disorient us and make us crazy. And sometimes, we hurt the innocents. For our own "gain" we hurt people we love. I believe he loves his daughters....I just think he hates me more. And for that I am sorry.
She's ok, our girl. We prayed and they called him out on it. The words still sit on his facebook page, with comments I will never repeat. Didn't hurt me, just made me really angry that these girls saw all of it. As a result, 2 of the girls defriended him. Every action has a consequence.....I took credit for this stuff for a long time as a consequence of my actions. Not anymore...I am free. Daughter of the most High King. Beloved.
I want to live better than that. Be more and love well. I will serve Him, love my husband and train up these girls. What someone else chooses to do is their business.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!

The Variables

My story is different from your story. It's full of twists and turns, sorrow and joy. That is probably where the similarities to your story end. There are numerous variables in our lives. Perhaps you like to sew.....I only sew Girl Scout patches and buttons. Perhaps you scrapbook or stamp. You couldn't get me near that stuff. Not even for money, honey! Eeeeesh!
I have 6 daughters....you probably don't. And that's ok. It's the variables that endear us to eachother. I like that.
I see people I assume have a perfect life. I assume that when they go home, their children are perfectly behaved and their husband is loving and they are perfectly coiffed and dressed. Their dog probably doesn't throw up on their bed in the middle of the night. (Murphy sleeps in his kennel every night now)I assume that the money situation is better than mine and that they do devotions every night. I actually assume that of everyone I meet. Isn't that crazy?
Imagine my joy when I find out that the children I assume are perfect are far from it. When I see someone not all put together and I realize they just argued with their spouse. I don't find joy in their sorrow, but rather in the fact that I realize my family and me (Matt may disagree) are NORMAL. That sometimes kiddos fight and husbands get cranky and I don't have to agree with him all the time. That sometimes as kids grow up they make mistakes. Not my fault....I like knowing that. We are all so different. Yet, I think sometimes that I have more in commom with others than I realize. Perhaps someone even wants to be just like ME. Wouldn't that be a kicker?? I spend my time trying to figure out how to be like "her"....I forget that God created me to be ME. In the past few years I have embraced myself better. Highlighted my hair pink, debated on a tatoo (not yet) and just enjoyed things more.
The truth is, as perfect I think everyone else is, my heart knows it's a lie. Just because something looks "just so" doesn't mean it is. I don't know anyone else's inside life. Don't know the sorrows or joys they experience on a daily basis, don't know the heartache they feel or the laughter that flows. Just like they don't know mine. I write this blog to show people that things don't always work. I hope as people read they feel a sense of normal. That they realize that normal is closer than they think.....and find a sense of belonging in there somewhere.


The only real variable i have is God....He changes everything, makes it all better. And I love knowing He loves it when I laugh.

"Past meet Present"

Remember those twisty roads of my life I've chatted about? Well, some of them have intersected. And it's the scary road, the super curvy down a steep hill road.
I have always known that Hillary is curious about her paternal family. As many of you know, Matty adopted Hillary when she was 13. She legally and emotionally and birth certificate bindingly became a Leasure at that time. However, she does know that biologically Matty isn't her dad. (He was only 13 when she was born) So curiosity reigns and fantasy rules. Recently, she has gotten in touch with her Aunt. From the "other" side.
A quick history lesson: married the said Aunt's brother when I was 17. He was 23. Him: discharged from military. Me: young with new baby moving with new husband to the backwoods of Arkansas. Begin tragic tale of abuse and sorrow. We fled in February of 1992. Moved to current location in May of '92. 3 months later: he was arrested and charged with murder of his girlfriends child. Pled no contest, served 1/3 of his sentence. No contact from that side for 19 years.
Ok, all caught up? So now, my past has met my present. I knew it would happen, knew it was only a matter of time. Facebook is an interesting portal....and sometimes I curse it! I'm not sure what to do at this intersection. Granted the child is almost 21 (whew!) And I did my best to keep her safe and unaware until I (we) felt she was old enough. But now....sigh. I feel like I have to let go. Have to let her flesh this out, ask her questions and have healing in her heart. What I WANT to do is grab her and run. Grab her and protect her from what I deem is a threat. I want to cover her in kisses and soothe her heart. But I can't do that this time....she's a grown up. We've raised her well, taught her to love the Lord. She's claimed Him as her own. I've always known she wanted to know. Wanted to find the missing pieces in her puzzle. Or at lease what she feels are missing pieces.
The thing is, I never really protected her anyway. It was all God, all the time. He has watched over her since He created her. Silly me, thinking we were her only caregivers....silly human self.
We did our best, told her the truth. I never painted that side of her biology as monsters, never spoke badly. I knew the questions built, the curiosity got stronger. I knew this day was coming. Granted the aunt isn't the "donor" but they are in close proximity.
And so what do I do now? I'm scared. But have no reason to be. Not only is God protecting me, He gave me an awesome and fearless protector on earth. (Yes, Matty, it's you)And even though her dad can't be there to physically protect her, God will. He will guide her and caution her and provide a way for her to see truth. I need to trust that. And I need to let her go....and maybe raise my hands for the ride down the mountain.


ps- I msg'd the aunt....just to let her know we have Hillary's back.

A cup of this and a cup of that....

I was driving home this afternoon thinking about love. How it's "measured". How it's given and taken. How I give and take it. I started thinking about how my view of love has changed. Started thinking how naive I was and how the reality of the world has sunk into my brain. It's not always pretty and never easy.
Love that needs no introduction begins at birth. I'm not talking about the baby. They don't love you.....they need you. They have no concept of love. I'm talking about the mommy side of things. After carrying the little person around for 9 months under my heart, I just love them. Their every breath is fantastic, every sigh note worthy. Even when they cry....nothing can change the love. I so LOVE these daughters....amazingly I just realized within the last year that's how my mom loves me! Ponder that a moment, folks. Your mom loves you.....
Moving forward in time we reach young teenage love. Sigh. Everything roses and twitterpation and flutterbys. Can you hear the swell of musack? UGH. Not reality! Teenagers have filters for everything from conversations to sex. I have to remember when chatting with our girls it's "teen filtered" and truth may not be what it seems. They think (I did) that it's FOREVER! And that they've met the ONE. And he will love them ALWAYS. Or maybe that they will love him always. They measure in notes, and whispers and hand holding. They measure in how many times he says "I love you". And when the Holy Spirit says "Nope, not him" and they decide to obey after almost 4 months, they are the ones who break the heart. The good thing is, her heart is broken too. Sometimes, it's not always what we want to do, but what we NEED to do. And that can hurt just as much. As a teen, we put people on pedestals, make them our reason for living and breathing. That's a precarious position. Those pedestals are stone and can be broken. And if you're on it's harder to get off. Teens give away their "I love you"s easily. We caution against it....doesn't mean they listen.

As an adult, most people have had their heart broken at least once. By a parent, a spouse, a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friend. Sometimes it's not about WHO the relationship is with. We become cautious, loving only when we feel worthy. Yet still, we hold something back. A little piece of ourselves, thinking we can recover if someone hurts us as long as we don't give it all. As for me, I measure. I measure Matt's love in silly ways. Like(don't laugh): wether he lets me take his nice new android phone with me to California so I can map the wait time for lines at Disneyland. He won't. STRIKE ONE! Like: Well, actually that's pretty much it right now. Good thing, because I don't know what I would do if he made it to STRIKE THREE! hahahhahaha, just kidding. I luf him. But, I still have been measuring....putting up an ideal and expectation. Do the kids do that with me? Measure how much time I do or don't spend with them and equate that to how much I love them??? I hope not! One girl asked me if love gets easier. I answered her honestly. I said NO. It doesn't. When you're young and dating, it's easy to walk away. When you've gotten married....well, you can't walk away without wounds. It's not easy to say goodbye to someone you've dated for a while, but it's devestating to leave someone you've been married to or be left by them. The sorrow from loving the wrong person can follow you. The joy of loving the right person....well that's just a gift from God. But how do you know, you may ask. Well, don't get ahead of God. He'll let you barrel right down the road into the life He didn't want for you. Pray....be willing to listen....be willing to wait. We can't measure by flutterbys, or feelings. At this stage, love is a decision. I want the girls to experience life, to be loved and to love. I want them to know joy and I want them to not measure. Sometimes, a pinch of this and a pinch of that is what's needed.....and sometimes it's ok to step outside the box and create a new ideal.

As always, the ultimate love is God. They are His brides....I pray they will honor Him.

The "Good" One

The softest sound. The sound of a daughter crying into her pillow, her sorrow palatable. My heart crying out to hers, wanting to hold her close and smack the boy who hurt her. It's the same girl, friends. And this is the boy who was worried about the "flow" of boys through her life, was worried about just being another "flowing" fellow. He wanted to be the "it". He waited almost 3 months to tell her he loved her. And I witnessed it. He held her close, whispered in her ear. I felt like I was intruding, sharing in something private. Yet here we are tonight. Her heart broken. Not sure where his is at. She feels played and like she'll never find a "good" one. Sigh. Personally, I think he lost out....big time.

BUT....there is a reason for the flow of boys in and out of her life. Minor reasons: She is careful with others hearts....she is only 15....she is able to witness, to share her love for God....which leads to the major reason:
God Himself! She is His bride! I believe He created someone just for her. But first, she has to be content with Him. She needs to lean on no other and learn to lay her burdens, cares and worries at His feet. He sees her. He knows her inside and out. He created her with a plan for her life. And He knows her distractions, mainly in boy form. I believe He is refining her. Maybe it's a silly thought, but who am I (or anyone else) to judge what refines someone?

She will remember this one. She, in her 15 heart, believes she LOVES him. Yet, for a while now, the still, quiet whisper of the Lord has been spoken into her heart. This girl has promised God she wouldn't kiss anyone unless he was her husband. The enemy had just about convinced her it was ok to give it to this boy. Amazing how the Lord's whisper got louder, how the words to a song at a concert spoke volumes and how it all fell apart just in time. The enemy strong, our God is stronger.

I wish I could say all the right things, spout wisdom like a fountain and, like always, wrap the girls in bubble wrap. I wish I could hand pick their husbands and put them in a box until they're ready for marriage. I wish I could know the future...and know if she'll ever get her kiss. I believe she will, believe God will honor her heart. But I also know that if that isn't His plan, He will give her peace. It comes down to this. God is the "Good" One. Not only that, He is the ONLY one that will ever love these daughters unconditionally and without ceasing. He will love them through sorrow and through happiness, through anger and hurt. Do I believe they will get married? Yes....but I only want that for them in God's time. And only according to HIS plan. Until then I will dry tears, snuggle them close and pray over and for them. And that's enough.

"'For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord,'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

she prays nightly for the boys who have flowed through her life....and she truly does mean more to this boy. You see, she planted the seed and God did the sowing.

Family and other people

Family: people you love without knowing why. My daughters tease me because in on child's baby book I wrote the phrase "I don't know why I love you". Of course I meant it in the way of "my love is just given without limits and knowledge"....she took it as I thought she was unlovable. (Not really, but that's what she teases me about)I have learned that there are many definitions of family. I have learned that those who are blood related aren't always family.

Example: My grandparents. They don't talk to me. I've seen them a handful of times in the last 11 years and only when something major was going on. My cousins death, my grandpa's brain surgery. Other than that, they disowned me when I married Matt. Mostly it was because he had dated my cousin (the one who died) before he dated me. And they don't like anyone who didn't stay with her. After a very horrible letter to me, our relationship ended. And so did their relationship with their son, my dad. I realized how much he loves me.....and Matty. They are bitter, angry people....sad without the true knowledge of the Lord. My grandpa in recent times has been sorrowful, yet it's hard. I am pressed to love them, so I do. In this situation, "family" is a tough word to use.

Then there are those who you love by choice. There is a man in my life who has been there since I was very young. He is my "Uncle" Dave. He's been my dad's best friend forever. I hated him. He annoyed me and I couldn't stand him. Turns out, he sold our house when I was about 3 or 4 and I was mad at him because of that. And once, when I had to take a bus with him, I would NOT sit by him. Yet as the years have gone by, I realize he loves my dad. He would do anything for him and probably me. He is family. Not by blood, but by choice. There are others like that. My friend Michelle....the girls call her "Aunt" Michelle and her hubby "Uncle" BWB. They are the "Other People"

Matty proved that family by choice is amazing when he adopted Hillary as his own when she was 13. And in the way he takes care of the other girls. Friends, he was 23 when we met, 24 when we got married. And I came with FOUR daughters. I am amazed everyday that he really chose me.
Another chose me. From the very beginning, before the earth was formed, God knew my name. He knew the names of the daughters He would allow me to have. Knew the day I would know Him. His blood paid for me. His choice made me family. I am in awe of how He loves me. In awe of the fact that He knew everything I would do, everything I would go through and every way I would fail. And He still chose me! There is no better feeling than to know I am His beloved. It's amazzzzzzzing! I am in great company in this family....and blessed to call each one my sibling in Christ. Remember that there are different types of families, but God puts each one together. You are chosen, beloved and blessed.

Freeze!

I am 38. Seeing the numbers in front of me, I am apalled. It looks so old. I don't feel old...I don't think I look old. (nobody comment please) Except right now I kind of do....my roots are showing. Terribly. But really, time is moving right along. It doesn't care that I only have 7 more months to enjoy my 8 year old. Then she'll be 9.
That same month, we will have a second adult child. Be still my heart!
As a youth, time moves slowly. You live for Christmas vacation, spring break and the joy of all joys: Summer Vacation. You whine and complain about everything you have to do in school.....good grief! I can't believe I thought high school was hard! If not for all the drama that goes on, I would go back. (not really) Once you're out of school, maybe married with children, time zooms along! Your first baby is fantastic. Every moment recorded, every milestone written down. Along comes baby 2....hmmmm, time seems to have gotten faster. In my case, babies 3,4,5 and 6 took ALL my time! Then one day, they aren't babies. They're tweens. And they say the darndest things. Ask anyone who knows Little Bit....they'll agree. Then they're teens. Then adults. Then what? I find myself with time again in every aspect of my life except with them. It refuses to slow down, stop their growing process. Time refuses to let me catch up to their emotions, refuses to let me get ahead of their hurts. It doesn't let me put bubble wrap down everywhere they will walk and learn lessons. It's almost not fair.
Time doesn't even let me stop aging while Matty catches up. He's about 31/2 years younger than me. It doesn't bother me when we're in the same decade. ie:30's. But guess what! I will be 40 in 19 months. UGH! Cause then I'm in my 40's and he's in his 30's. Makes me snivel. *whine whine* Ok, pity party over. For now. *grin*
I realized the other day that my parents are almost 60. My dad is starting to look like I remember my grandpa looking and my grandpa looks super OLD now. They don't seem any older to me, they're just my parents. But they are....their bodies tell the tale and they have doctor bills to prove it!
It seems like the older I get, the further old gets away. But when I see kids I knew as babies and they are driving, dating or even married I realize just how much time has gone by. My memory plays tricks, convinces me that time has stood still. That people are just as I remember them. Then I see them after years of remembering. And they are nothing like my memory told me. And I realize that as much as I'd like to freeze time, it won't stop or even slow down. I need to enjoy the every day with each daughter. Celebrate each age and pray continuously. I need to age gracefully (yes, mom, that does mean getting my hair dyed) and savor every moment with those I love. Life is an adventure. Time is the current....move along.


While I'm aging gracefully, I will have pink highlights....And I will enjoy my semi-cougarish status....*wink*

Teenage secrets

I have a secret. I know, I'm not a teenager. But I still have a secret. I have an eating disorder. I don't look like it now, but after I had Harley I got down to 140 pounds. From 220! With the help of not eating the pounds came off fast! It started out simple and innocent. A program through church. Watching what you eat and journaling. Well, when I would journal I would see what I was eating and counting calories. It looked like too much. So I quit. Somedays I would eat 1 chicken nugget and worry it'd get me fat. I told Matty that I ate before he got home and I wasn't hungry. The turning point for me was when I was trying to throw up (the ONLY time I ever did that) and Savannah, in her sweet tiny voice, asked "Mommy, are you sick?" from outside the bathroom door. WAKE UP CALL! So from then on I ate "normal", sometimes a little too normal. UGH! If this had been the only incident, eating disorder would've been too strong a phrase. But it wasn't. I went through it in 1999.
And before that it began when I was a teenager.....
AS a teen girl, I struggled. I thought I was fat. I didn't look like my cousin and I felt as though everyone else was thinner than me. So I didn't eat. Didn't like myself better either. But it was a secret. There are many secrets teens keep. Boys, girls....it's not gender specific. It seems like as long as these secrets aren't in our personal lives, we ignore them. As long as it's someone else's kid. But what if it is our child and we don't know it? Cutting, drugs, sex, pornography, huffing, anorexia, bulemia. These are the secrets that haunt our children, the secrets that long to destroy. They are, of course, a tool of the enemy. A weapon of the evil one's making.
There are ads, billboards and magazines that convince our daughters that they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough of have the right "body". They tell our boys that the only beautiful woman is one who is a size 1. They teach our boys that if she doesn't fit a certain bra, she's not worthy. They teach our girls that plastic surgery is the ONLY way to be beautiful. And you MUST dress just like them! Otherwise you are nothing!
If they feel bad about themselves, they hurt themselves. Cutting, eraser burns, huffing etc. What goes on in their minds that they feel to hurt themselves is the ONLY way to feel better? What hurts their heart so much that sometimes they take their own lives?
These demons that plague our children don't target specific "types". We like to think it's "those" kids, couldn't possibly be ours! But it is. It's the popular jock who's parents have lots of money, it's the homecoming queen with friends to spare. It's the computer guy with a million dollars in his future, it's the quiet girl who's headed to Harvard. It's your little girl or boy....the one you cuddled and love. It's mine....it's anyones.
As parent who love the Lord and have raised our girls to love Him also, we do have a head start. We have a Father who loves them more than we do. Sometimes, I think we think that because we have a "direct line" we get a pass on these types of things. It doesn't work that way folks. It's not all hill with no valleys. The joy is that He knows our children, inside and out. He knows what's going on. He sees them when we can't. He holds them when we don't know how....and He gives us truth when we need it. We may not want it, but we get it. Would I rather know the secrets my teens keep or have them stay hidden? I'd rather not know. With knowing comes a sense of failure, a sense of sorrow and heaviness. Yet with not knowing.....that road is one I don't want to travel. At least with knowing, I can help....pray or get help. My secret followed me into adulthood, affected my life. It's not hidden anymore and no longer has power. I realized that no matter how thin I got, I didn't love myself any more. I loved myself less. I looked good....didn't feel it. Now I just want to be healthy. I don't want secrets to destroy our children. His children.
The new "cutting" is giving oneself eraser burns. Sometimes it's done for fun. It doesn't look fun, it looks painful. It causes deep wounds, scabs and scars. I want to "tsk tsk" over someone elses child and rejoice it's not mine. But it is mine....her hand will heal, we've had a long talk and I pray it doesn't happen again. I've told her that if she feels like she doesn't know what to do, come talk to us. We may not understand, but we will love her through it. And I'm suffering under the weight of guilt. What did I do or not do? Sigh. I take comfort in knowing He loves her....nothing can snatch her away. They hurt and hold it in, not sure how to let it out.
We need to claim our children, grab them back, hold onto them and remind them Who they belong to. We need to pray and pray hard. We need to remember that it's not just the "other" kids....it can be ours too! Maybe it's just a moment in time, a snapshot of a frustrated teen, aching to find an outlet. Maybe it's an all the time and we need to pray for hidden secrets to be shown. Maybe it's just once....but that's too many times.
She's a good kid, with a heart for God.....she just needs to be reminded that she's His. We need to ask questions....and be ready for the answers. She's not the only kid and we're not the only parents. Talk about it more, tell your friends and see who else has been there....you might be suprised.

Chellsei says "Eat Skittles!"

Mrs....not Miss

There is a myth about marriage. Supposedly at 7 years, an itch hits. With this itch comes a desire to be free, a want for more and being unsatisfied with what you have. Coincidentally, my second marriage ended on our 7th anniversary. The exact day. And honestly, I couldn't tell you what that day was. Or date. I can however, tell you the day I first saw Matty. Ok, well not the date but the week. It was 4th of July week 1999. I thought he was the cutest thing EVER....with his hair bleached on top, both ears pierced and wearing baggy jeans and a tank top. Those arms! But, I digress.
My point is we sailed through that 7 year "itch" with no problems. We made it to 10 years raring to go the next 50....then things slowed down. Instead of it seeming like time was flying, it's started to seem like we've been married FOREVER. Please don't get me wrong....there is NO "itching" going on, it just feels stalled.
Do I love him? O YES! Does he love me? I believe so...and just to sound positive, YES he does love me. I've waited a lifetime to love and be loved like this. It just seems sometimes that we are up against a wall. There's alot that goes on in our household: girls, cleaning, girls, working, girls, church, girls, dog, girls and just LIFE. And I think I am distracted. I've tried to put a box around my husband, an expectation if you will. I expect him to lead and I to follow. I am called to be his helpmeet. Except...I am very strong willed. And I try to lead. Is that part of the issue? OF COURSE! Silly me.....
YET....as 2 halves of a whole, we are both responsible. He to me, I to him. I see "perfect" couples. You know, those ones who don't argue, who talk about how "perfect" life is and how they can't imagine ever having issues. Wow! I want to live with them and drink their water.
I once met a couple in the library. Older, cute and very sweet to eachother. The husband asked me if I was married. I said yes. He then asked me if I would like the assurance of being married to my husband FOREVER. ACK! I said NO that when I get to heaven I get to sit and worship at Jesus' feet. I couldn't fathom anything worse than being married forever....other than constantly having children when I'm in heaven. EEK! Plese don't misunderstand...this has NOTHING to do with not loving Matty. But marriage is a "human" thing and in heaven, all that has passed away. No tears only joy. Hooray for Jesus!
We are blessed. I am blessed to be married to my best friend, my hero. I know that the wall we are up against isn't huge, we will surpass. We just have to figure it out. He still makes me laugh....and cry. He still has both ears pierced (twice!). And he's still my Matty. That feeling of belonging happens when we're in a room together, yet seperate and his eyes meet mine. I know he'll find me wherever I go, I know I am always safe. He is my protector on earth, the one God molded for me. I just need to listen more, hear him and also stop chomping at the bit to be in charge.
(I am wrinkling my nose at that) I like to be in charge. So friends, in conclusion, I am happy to a Mrs.....glad not to be a "Miss" and glad I didn't "miss"(haha) the last 10 years. Here's to the next 10....and knowing the love of God surpasses it all and His grace is sufficent.


I want to be a jewel in my husbands crown, not the reason he's on the roof....

Truth be told

Truth be told....I am not always very wise. I make bad decisions and sometimes give bad advice. Truth be told....I yell at my husband and make my children cry. Sometimes, I shove Murphy outside and pretend he's not whining at the door. Truth be told, I sometimes go in the bathroom when a phone call comes in that I don't want to take and tell my children to say I'm in there. Which is true....just that I'm not using it. I don't want my kiddos to be liars. This my friends, is my blog on truth.

Truth is a tricky thing. If the reciever of the truth isn't interested in hearing it, it becomes skewed. Changed by a stubborn mind. Saying certain instances can cause insecurity becomes someone saying "You're insecure". Regardless of the words that were used, the words that are heard or relayed are often different. Filterd, if you will. We live that way. Filtering truth through our minds, finding fault with what someone is telling us. Refusing to hear. Sometimes, our refusal could be a safety mechanism. Protecting our hearts from a truth that hurts. Protecting someone else, maybe.

Truth is hard. Hard to hear, hard to say. And sometimes, just because we know a truth doesn't mean it's ok to share it. Truth is scary. The truth is....people get cancer, children don't have enough food, soldiers are dying and our world is ending. There are multitudes of scary truths out there. Aids, Cancer, Unplanned pregnancy, Adultrey, Murder, Child Abuse, SATAN. We coast through life, pretending sometimes that these truths don't touch us....in our bubbles. We pray against them, knock on wood and sigh in relief everytime it's someone else. We won't admit it, but it's truth.

We look for versions of absolute truth. We look in magazines, in the t.v. shows we watch, in our spouses and our children. We look in askance at our friends, our relatives and even our pastors and deacons. We search for truth that placates, comforts and brings satisfaction. We want modified truth.

Truth be told:
God created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th
God flooded the whole earth and only a boatload of people lived
Jesus was born and died
He rose again and is in heaven now
He IS coming back....that's a promise!
His grace is sufficient
I don't have to work for it, I just get it

I try to be as honest as I can. There are little lies that I tell (like the bathroom). I know I am not the only one, know I alone do not suffer from this disorder. But that's just it. We've gotten complacent and somewhere along the way have become ok with the little ones. And we filter, and we pretend.
Truth be told....


i am a sinner....i am forgiven

Winning vs Losing

I had a friend once. Don't die, it's true! Actually, there was a group of us. 3 couples. This was before divorce #2. We got together every weekend. Our kids got along. Us gals would sit and chat and laugh. The guys would do guy things. We'd play cards every week. We were inseperable. Until....I decided to wear scarlet. Then it all fell apart. Those friends high tailed it quicker than an ice cube melts on a hot summer sidewalk. It became me against them and him. Because I was the bad one. The temptress, the one dredged in sin. As the attitudes changed, my walls built up. I felt like I'd been flung into the ocean and left to die. I cried for help, but was told I was such a horrible sinner and "Are you sure you're a christian?" was asked often. I knew I was. Knew He loved me, knew He was watching and crying over my choices. And I knew Jesus was praying. But without earthly support, I ran headlong into that pit. I lost.
With Matt, everything settled down. We had Savannah and then Harley. But sometime in between the 2 girls, I saw the Mrs. of one of the couples. She had been my best friend. She ignored me. Called me the next day. Apologized with a "but....". But what??! She told me I should be sorry I'd had Savannah, that she never should have been born. Wow....I realized that with some, it was a neverending circle. No matter what I did, it would never resolve in her eyes. I would always have that letter "A". But, I hadn't lost. At that point I had won. I was forgiven, freed and had tangible proof of God's grace in the form of a child named Savannah....and the bonus was coming up.
2 Years ago, the other Mrs. from the other couple walked into my life. She had cast me out too, not spoken to me in 8 years. When I saw her, at church of all places, my heart went out to her. I hugged her. And we cried. And she asked my forgiveness. She was divorcing her husband....and hindsight had kicked in. Didn't mean she agreed with my choices that I had made, but she no longer saw me in scarlet. Which is good, cause God took that away eons ago. :D Our friendship was restored. She told me the other Mrs. had made a decision to love her no matter what, that her divorce wasn't going to seperate them. Turns out, the other Mrs. didn't want to lose another friend.
I don't blame her. I like my friends too. I have purposed in my heart to forgive her. I have asked her forgiveness, don't know if it's been given. But that is between her and God. The enemy would use that "A" to hit me upside the head, and bring to mind the words she used. I am as of right now, banishing those words. They have no place in my mind, no place in my life. I have been very honest with you, friends. And you still talk to me. So I am reminded that I am loved, and His beloved. Thanks friends, for knowing it all, and loving me anyway.


btw: The restored Mrs. is now remarried....and we still chat....And I have won.