So Much More

What if you weren't who you thought you were? What if one moment changed everything you ever knew about yourself? What if your whole self was an illusion, a figment of who you truly wanted to be?
We've all had them....defining moments that change our lives. We live under the possibilities of things going our way, life giving us what we want. But what happens when you get what you want and aren't sure what to do with it? What do you do when your reality isn't as wonderful as the dream? I see "perfect" people: perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect money and house. Why does their reality seem so much MORE than mine?
Now before anyone gets the wrong idea.....there is nothing wrong with any of the children, Matty and I are still firmly married and all the bills are paid. Even the dog is healthy. However, I had a thought today. About reality and how it is seldom what we think it will be. I realized I had had my time. I've found a spouse, had children and am pretty much a grown up. But for our girls, it's all just beginning. They will have regrets, sorrows, joy and "butterflies". They will flirt, have broken hearts, break hearts and survive. They will cry, laugh and perhaps grieve. And some of it will be done without me. I started thinking the other day about "Strawberry Milk" boy. Wondered how he was. I thought about the boy in high school whose heart I really broke....and wondered if he had been repaired. I started thinking about who I was at 14 and wondered if anyone remembered me like that. Had I made a lasting impression? Other than a hurtful one? Did I make a difference? Part of me wants to be remembered....I remember them and have no idea who they are as grown ups. Who can say that about me? What if there are things left to say, apologies to be given?

What if who I am isn't who I was supposed to be? My time was thrown away, frivolously discarded like I had an inordinate amount of it. That's what I don't want for the girls...I don't want them to waste their moments. I want each moment of their lives to be sweet, enjoyed and embraced. I want them to know that who they are becoming is who God intends them to be. I don't want them to be sorry for not doing something and I want them to be grateful for the things they get to do.
Every moment in my life has been defining. Some for the worse, most for the better. I have lived a life....definition to definition.....moment to moment. And I can see where those moments changed something. At 15 on the ferris wheel....at 16 getting married out of necessity.....at 19 getting married for stability.....at 27 deciding to end a marriage.....and finally being hopelessly in love for the first time and marrying my best friend. And now, at almost 39, watching the girls begin to grow, realizing there is so much more to this life thing.

Everything I have done, been through and have said has shaped me. I am who I am....maybe not who I was supposed to be, but I believe I am so much more.